The Time is Never Right

I read another interesting article on the work-life balance conversation recently. I love this topic and know there's no one path that works for each family.  But it helps to keep talking about the issues we all face!

When we decided to move to Macon over a year ago we made the decision to put my husband's job first.  This was a hard decision (especially as I was on the cusp of making partner at my firm), but it was right for our family. He has his dream job as an Assistant U.S. Attorney. And in 8 weeks I will fully step back from my legal job. It might be until Bridget is 4-6 months old, or it might be indefinite.  I'm not sure yet.  But December 18th has been set as my last day.

I'm excited and petrified by the possibility. I'll get more time with my kids and won't have to hand Bridget over to someone else to return to a job I sometimes loathe.  I won't be sitting at a desk 8 hours a day. But I will be stepping away from a career I've spent a lot of money on and for which I'll still be paying student loans for years to come. I don't know if I can get back in the game if I completely leave and that is where the massive fear comes from. Will that time, money and schooling have been for naught? Will I regret this choice?

But what about the other things out there?  What if I devoted more hours a week to my Beautycounter business that I truly love?  What if I actually wrote that book I've been wanting to write? What if I got yoga-teacher certified or became a lactation consultant like I've dreamed? What if I find that thing that I don't even know is my thing yet?

And how will my family life change? How much stress can I take away from my husband by taking over the morning drop off so he can always get to work on time? How much stress of my own will be relieved by being able to devote our mornings to the kids rather than rushing around trying to throw myself together too? And our evenings? What will happen when I can prep dinner while the boys are at school and then actually spend time WITH them when I pick them up?  How will their behavior change when they are no longer stuck in aftercare until 5pm every day?  I am so excited by these changes. 

So why am I so afraid? Why can I not answer the question "What do you want to do once Bridget is here?"  I was asked it this morning by my boss, but I couldn't respond.  In truth we won't know the extent of Bridget's medical needs until she's here, but I used that as an excuse to not commit to anything right now.  A convenient by-product of her diagnosis.  Hey, I'm trying to find the silver linings where I can.  

Yet in my heart I already know.  I want to step away from the law. It's not my passion.  It never was.

I know what I'm giving up.  But I don't think I fully understand the potential of what I have to gain.  The timing is never right to make big changes.  I'll never feel we're financially settled to take this big pay cut. But sometimes you have to leap. Sometimes you have to trust that it will all work out.

I think it's finally time to run and do what I need to do.  I'm ready to find out who I am when I finally lay aside my lawyer's hat.  Maybe I'll put it on again one day.  Maybe that day will be sooner than later.  But maybe, just maybe, I'll never look back.

Mantra Testing

My 2015 mantra to "LET IT GO" is being challenged in a serious way.  I am so trying to roll with the flow and let life happen, but I am struggling man. The lack of control is driving me batty. I'm starting to see why people don't make new year's resolutions or intentions - once you put it out there it feels like the universe is conspiring to see how well you can play out that intention.  Perhaps I shouldn't have chosen a mantra that is also the theme song to a popular Disney movie. I mean, it didn't work out so hot for Elsa there for a while.

So what am I struggling to let go of?

Our kitchen renovation. It came to yet another screeching halt yesterday.  As a recap, the first bump came with designer #1's $6,000 design price tag. Womp womp. At which point we changed directions and found a design-build firm who only charged $500 for the design, which gets refunded back to you if you sign on with them to do your project. I've met with designer #2 over a handful of times. Measurements have been taken. Design plans drawn up. Contractors have come to the house to provide their estimates for plumbing, electrical, HVAC and flooring. All of this was supposedly coming up on budget.

Then, last week designer #2 called to tell me that we needed to increase our budget $7,000 to correct the uneven floor, or we'd have to go with laminate or some other floating floor option, which they weren't really keen on. So I asked for a meeting with the designer, the owner of the company who made this decision and also asked for a breakdown of the budget to see where all the other money was being allocated. I asked for this meeting last Wednesday, but for whatever reason they couldn't meet us until 9am Tuesday morning. Then at 8am that morning I got a call from designer #2 saying they just couldn't do the project and would refund me our money. Apparently she could not get the numbers to work the whole time, even without the $7,000 bump. I never did see a budget breakdown, so I'm still not sure what the real story is. But I took my money back, cried a tear or two of frustration and decided the husband and I can tackle being our own general contractor. This should be a fun adventure.

Then there's my j.o.b. I know, I know, ain't nobody supposed to talk publicly about their job. I get it. But the fact of the matter is that things with my legal job are totally up in the air. I'm struggling to just be chill about the whole thing. I want to know the end result. I want to know where this is going. I want to know the destination.  I am really trying to enjoy the journey, but I'm finding that difficult with all the uncertainty. And yes, there was a big thing that happened recently to shake up the uncertainty even more than it already was, but at the end of the day, I'm still employed and I still am bringing home decent money for my family. I'm trying to focus on those things and less about titles and what may transpire down the road. I know I need to let go of the fear around this and just ride it out.

I'm also trying to let go of the speed with which my Beautycounter business is growing. By all accounts I'm doing a great job. I'm only in my 2nd full month and I'm completely happy with my progress, but it's hard to not compare to the speed of some of the other consultants. I see other consultants building their team each day (we have a huge support network on facebook, so I see when someone adds a new member) and so far I haven't recruited anyone. I know in time it will happen, but it is hard to not compare and feel like your'e doing something wrong. I know they may be doing Beuatycounter as a full time job and have much more time to commit to their business than I do, but it's hard to fight off that self-doubt. I am finding that motivation is something you have to give your self on a daily basis. It comes and goes.  But I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I keep moving forward, things are good. There is no competition for growing the fastest. I know in my heart that slow and steady is the right and perfect way for me, but sometimes I lose sight of that and want it to happen now.

It's just been an emotional couple of weeks. Everyone in our house has also been sick, so I know that's not helping things. I know I'm worrying my husband - he bears the brunt of it when I collapse and flip the switch from my usual positive self to walking around under the negative dark cloud that sometimes appears. I'm grateful to have him walking beside me and holding my hand when I need it the most.  

So I'm going to just keep singing along with Elsa and let the storm rage on.  And maybe for 2016 I'll go with Hakuna Matata as my mantra.  

To the Working Moms

I just realized I've shared three different articles on Facebook in the last couple of weeks about working moms. I've also had an ongoing dialogue with some other female lawyers (moms and not) about the retention (or lack thereof) of women in the legal community. And then I realized it's been a while since I've talked about my own feelings as of late about being a working mom, so I thought it'd be a fun topic for today.

I'm in my 8th year as a lawyer.  I worked full time in a large firm of over 500 attorneys up until this past July when I took a little over 2 months off to move to Macon and get settled. The plan was then to work part time remotely for my firm and go into the office in Atlanta as needed for meetings, but that plan was put on hold when I was loaned out to a corporation here in Macon where I'm currently an acting in-house counsel while their hiring freeze continues.  I'm working full time again. 

Then about a month ago I started my own business as a Beautycounter consultant. So I'm currently working 40 hours a week as a lawyer and about another 10-15 hours a week on getting my Beautycounter business up and running.  I also write as a guest blogger for the 360 Parenting website. So I'm working more now than perhaps I ever have, certainly since I've been a mom.

But the strange thing is that for the most part I am completely comfortable with the amount of time I'm working and the amount of time I'm spending with my family and on myself. I have not always been in this state of mind. (Seriously, just ask my co-workers, friends and husband and they'll tell you I was a hot mess a little over a year ago with my work-life balance. There was zero balance and I was on the verge of a breakdown most days of the week. I cried in front of my boss on more than one occasion - not my best moments - and I really did not think I could continue juggling everything.)

So why the shift?  

14 months ago, at the height of my feelings of "too muchness", I had a six month old who was wearing a helmet to correct his misshapen head. I was a nursing mom of said six month old baby working full time as a lawyer (pumping breastmilk at the office is totally relaxing and awesome, said no-mom-ever). My house was on the market. My husband was looking for a new job. I had a three year old in addition to the infant. We spent 25-40 minutes commuting from daycare to home every day. My body was not quickly bouncing back from baby and at only 6 months-postpartum, my hormones were still raging.  It was just too much.

A lot has changed since then.  Julian is now a 20 month old toddler who is running around at full speed with a round head (though admittedly the helmet would come in handy now given his proclivity for falling). I stopped nursing a long time ago. My lawyer job now ends at 4:30 every day. My house doesn't need to be spotless every morning before I leave (thank heavens for that). My husband has a job he loves with only a 10-15 minute commute. My 4 year old is at an awesome age and loving his preschool. I commute 6 minutes to work and have the world's most amazing nanny pick my boys up from school and watch them in the afternoon. I'm feeling great about my body and thanks to my nutritionist and a recently discovered thyroid issue, my hormones are chilling the fuck out. And everyone around me is very grateful for that.

So yes, my life is very different today than it was in the early months of 2014.  But I'm still working a lot. I'm still not my children's primary caregiver during the hours of 8-5. Yet I'm really OK with that. I think there are a few reasons for that. 

I'm finally doing a job (albeit as a side gig) that I am loving. I've always suspected that I'd be more OK with being a working mom if I were spending my time away from the boys working on something I was passion about, something I believed in and something that I felt was impactful. I'm getting that from Beautycounter. I don't get that as a lawyer.  Along the same lines, I'm connecting with others in a way that I don't as a lawyer. This morning before my lawyer job, I had a quick one-on-one with a girlfriend. I loved seeing her in person and getting out from behind a desk and a stack of papers. I'm a people person, and I like seeing people!

My lack of time in the car is not something to be discounted. I remember listening to a lecture a few years back from a women's law group about how to "have it all".  One of the women said she doesn't go outside of a 2 mile radius of her house. Her children's school, her office, her church, her dry cleaners, they are all within this circle. At the time I thought it was an interesting idea but one I could never implement. Well, I've drawn a 5 mile radius around our house and sticking within it as much as possible - the boys' school, my office, our grocery store. I'm not spending extra time in a car.  And it is Fabulous. (Yes, with a capital F).

We hired super nanny.  I'm not kidding, our nanny is amazing. She is great with kids and she has helped me in ways I didn't expect. She helps with things around the house (including laundry!) and runs those random errands I always seem to forget (the cat thanks her often). She helps teach the boys manners and works with L on his letters. She taught J to eat with a fork. She meets me at the tee ball field with the boys so I'm not racing around after work. She stays late so the husband and I are able to go on regular date nights and keep our marriage a priority, which is so huge for our boys. She's been a true blessing in our lives and I think every working mom deserves a helper like her, even if just for a few hours each week.

But aside from all these things, which admittedly are major changes that not all working moms may be able (even desire) to make, I think the biggest reason I'm comfortable with being a working mom right now is because of the stage my children are in. It is hard to remember that children and mommy-ing go through stages and each has its own difficulties. That first year of a child's life is so full of these stages and I really wish the United States would hurry up and pass some legislation providing maternity benefits to all mothers. A full year off, without losing your job, would be ideal in my opinion. Or being able to go back at very reduced hours after six months or so. Because that first year is filled with so many emotions and sleepless nights and teething and feeding issues and bonding time and hormonal craziness. Did I mention the sleeplessness? I really believe that the legal community and other industries are going to continue losing out on kick-ass workers because that first year of being a mom is so difficult for many of us.

As I've mentioned, we hope baby #3 will be more than just an idea sometime later this year, but my biggest hesitation is going through that first year again. Infants are so adorable (as I was reminded when holding my dear friend's 4 month old this past weekend), but being a new mom is hormonally and emotionally taxing.  And I'm worried about going through that again and trying to keep my wits and my day job. I know it is only a phase, but it was harder for me the 2nd time around than the first, so what will the 3rd time around be like? And I feel like I'm upending the apple cart when I finally feel like I've hit my groove. But my mind's made up. God-willing the boys will get a sibling in 2016. And I'll figure it out when the time comes.

So for you working mommas out there struggling through that first year, you CAN do it.  You can, because you are. It doesn't have to look pretty. You don't have to be perfect. And your skinny jeans don't damn well need to fit any time soon.  Just take it one day at a time. And remember that you are a great mom! Even if you occasionally cry in your male boss's office. Just blame it on the hormones sister!

Our Two Lawyer Marriage

Only three days into the reboot of our two career household and the bickering and side-eye rolls have begun. I hate that this is the reality, but it is. Don't read anything into this, or take it the wrong way. To be clear, our marriage is solid. We're deeply in love and neither of us is going anywhere. But that doesn't change the fact that marriage is hard and requires work. As into this man as I am, we're not Mr. and Mrs. Sunshine every day. So let's not pretend we are.

I think this is at the front of my attention because we've just had a shift in dynamics.  For almost two months, he has worked full time and I have stayed at home with the kids. My sole responsibility has been caring for our children (a full time job, for sure) and tending to our house. There were no legal clients for me to worry about, or a long to-do list of work and home that pulled me in different directions.

Just the kids and home. This included the grocery shopping, the cooking, the cleaning and the organizing. We never had a conversation delegating these tasks to me, it just happened. I could go to Kroger at 11am on Tuesday, while a full time 9-5er could not. I could start dinner at 4:30 and have whatever culinary creation I was up to making plated by 5:30. We even had time to play outside or go for a family walk before the baby's 6:30 bedtime rolled around. The bathrooms got wiped down during nap time and the washing machine was constantly running. And while I am about as far from a domestic goddess as one can get, I had no resentment towards my husband for having to do all these things. It honestly didn't cross my mind that he should be doing them. I took it on as my job.  Simple as that.

But then I went back to work full time. And the rushing and the feeling of never enough time is back. I hate that feeling. And suddenly I find myself jumping down my husband's throat for no reason at all.  And the poor man doesn't really have a chance. He asks what he can do to help with dinner, but I snap that I've got it, when I could really use a hand setting the table or chopping some vegetables. I am cold to him when our baby wants his dada and refuses to come to momma, as if this daddy stage is something he has caused. Yet I see the sadness on his face as he's rocking our boy before bed because his wife has tears in her eyes over something he has no control over. I feel like his questions about the nanny are accusations of things I'm clearly screwing up. I blame him for not letting the dog out in the morning which resulted in an accident and then nitpicked his use of the steam cleaner to clean the carpets.  I think you get the point.

There must be a connection between the uptick in disagreements and the reemergence of my job. When both spouses are working outside the home (and you have children), no one is really off the clock until the kids are in bed. You leave your office job and you come home and have to do all the home things. You have to cook dinner, clean the house AND spend quality time with the kids, when you're all tired and cranky after having had a full day already. It's clearly a recipe for disaster (at least for us).  And left unchecked for too long, I can see how the wheels can fall off a marriage over time.

So what to do? For me, the first thing is to apologize and admit that I'm a massive part of the problem. (Ok, so maybe I am the problem. Maybe.) And then I need to prioritize. What's important? For me, my discontentment is coming from feeling like I have no time with my boys now that I'm working again. Going from all day with them to just a few hours, is a stark difference. But if I'm going to continue with all this honesty, I'll admit that all day with two small children (especially in a town where you don't know anyone), is hard and lonely. Sure I had large quantities of time with my boys, but the quality was less than I'd like to admit. I took for granted the time with them. I didn't plan our days, I turned on the TV and I wasn't a "yes" mom who did tons (or any) of creative, educational, Pinterest-inspired activities. But now that I'm having to cram my time with them into a few short hours, I feel saddened and defeated. It's as though I've accepted that it's not enough time, so why even try? (Ugh, I hate realizing these things about myself!)  And why I take this out on the husband, I have no idea. My working is not something he pushed for - he is supportive of my career, but he is 100% on board with a full shift if that's what I decide at any given time I want.

So how do I spend the quality time with the boys in just a few short hours, while needing to also cook dinner, bathe them and tend to the home? For one, I can stop making dinner such a production. I think I worry too much about what I'm serving rather than focusing on who I'm breaking bread with! Family dinner should be more about the family than the dinner.  And then I need to give my boys my undivided attention - that means turning off the cell phone.  But that also means turning off the mental to-do list and setting aside anything that doesn't involve the boys. The dishes can be done after 7:45, but my boys can't stay up until then, so they dishes can wait.  Also, I can accept help when it is offered and set aside my criticism over the way the help is delivered. My way is not the only way.

I know it is going to take us some time to get used to my working again. I know I'll get used to my job and we'll find a new routine and a rhythm that works for all four of us. I also know when I'm in the wrong and when an apology is owed.  So love, this one's for you. I'm sorry I've been such a miserable wife the past day or two. I've obviously got some things to work on....

SAHM No More

My ten weeks of being a full time stay-at-home mommy came to an abrupt end today. Well, not exactly abrupt. I knew it was coming. But it felt abrupt. Yesterday I was mommy. That was my only hat. Today I stepped back into my lawyer heels and kissed my babies goodbye and it was hard and strange and felt kind of wrong, but also kind of right. I can't decide how I really feel about it.  I think it's still too new.

I don't like to write about work too often. It's in bad form, or something like that. But the reader's digest version of my work story is this. I took a leave of absence from my job at the end of July so I could move and get settled here in Macon. Then the plan was to start back part time from home, but continue with my same job and same clients, just 100% telecommuting and only part time. And then a weird thing happened - my firm was approached about an opportunity in Macon. A company (a firm client, just not a client I had worked for before) needed a loaner lawyer (there is actually a word for this arrangement: "secondment", who knew!) while they had a hiring freeze. One thing lead to another and as of today, I'm working full time in this company's office - I'm still employed by my firm, but my only client is this company. So I am sort of an in-house counsel, just being paid by my firm who in turn bills the client for my time.  It's all very strange.

So I'm learning a new job. I have a new "boss" who is also technically my client and I don't exactly know how this is going to work and how I'm supposed to act. I miss my co-works from my firm - I had two really good friends at work and I loved seeing them every day. But my 5 minute commute (yes, really!) is pretty incredible and the company is great as well.

My in-laws are here watching Julian this week and then our new nanny will start next week (we finally found someone, I don't think I mentioned that yet). I really like her and have high hopes for a great relationship, but I'm still nervous. She'll watch J all day and she'll watch both boys when Lukas gets out of school mid-afternoon. Thankfully Lukas seems to be loving his new preschool and is making friends. He's yet to say he doesn't want to go in the morning. He also seemed totally fine with mommy going back to work today. And Julian was happy to see me when I got home (although his happy screams of "DADA, dada" upon seeing me were kind of offputting...we think dada might just be his choice word when excited, or maybe I'm totally deluding myself).

I missed the boys while I was at work today, but not in the way you miss a 14 week old infant when you go back to work after maternity leave.  I missed them in the way that you miss anyone you love when you're away from them. Does that make sense?  I'm hoping that the very short commute and my work schedule (the plan is 8-4:30) will give me the best of both worlds - I continue lawyering and providing for my family (the 66% family income decrease was not easy, especially when you take into account the major student loans we both still have) and I get home earlier than I did in Atlanta and can use the extra time to focus on Quality time with the boys (yes, I capitalized the q). I plan on instituting a phone free zone from the moment I get home from work until both boys are in bed to help ramp up the quality.

I know today was just day 1.  And I know that my job is yet another change in a laundry list of changes going on in our house (with the new nanny being yet another change), so I need to be patient. I just sort of had hoped I'd come home today feeling either elated to be back at work and loving the "new" job or feeling totally miserable and heartbroken about being away from the boys. But I ended up somewhere in between.  And so continues my rollercoaster ride of being a working mom.

Mommy Failure

We're still in a major adjustment period.  That's what I've decided I'm calling this time where I feel like I'm drowning and have to work at putting forth a positive attitude. I'm failing at the positive thing most days. Somehow it helps me to know that I'm trying.  Like as long as I continue to be aware that I should be happy and blessed and positive, then eventually I'll feel those things and this negative 'tude I have floating around in my head will disappear.

I'm not constantly negative. I'm not about to jump off a bridge or anything. But I'm not feeling like I fit in here yet. I'm lacking friends and I'm struggling with the version of myself that I have become while on this sabbatical from work.  I think that is the biggest issue. I'm not the mom I thought I would be if I were a SAHM.

For almost 4 years I've felt guilt for working full-time and longed for more time with my children. I have that time now, and I end every day feeling like I totally, completely fucked up. I raise my voice more than I'd like to admit.  I don't have things planned for the kids to do. I turn the TV on every.single.day. I don't get them out and to the park on a regular basis.  I haven't met anyone for them to play with.  I'm not practicing Lukas' letters or doing hardly any educational activities with him. And it is all these things that I am not doing (or doing, when it comes to the yelling part), that make me feel like a shitty mom. I have this amazing opportunity to spend time with my boys and I feel like I am not making the most of it.

I know I am being harder on myself that I deserve. And I'm not giving myself recognition for all the things I am doing.  I'm cooking them good, healthy homecooked meals THREE times a day.  Something I've never done. And I'm cleaning up after those three meals (I've decided I spend half my day cooking or cleaning). I'm reading lots of books with them.  I'm giving lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles.  I'm saying lots of "I love yous".  I'm drawing with Lukas.  I'm rocking Julian before each nap.  I'm here.  My boys are with their momma.

I also know that it takes time to get settled in a new place and it takes time to form a routine and make friends. I just feel like we're moving at a snail's pace.  Lukas does start school in a week or so and I know that will help.  He does well with a routine. And he's excited to start school and meet new friends.  And Julian just rolls with the flow. I love seeing his silly smile and hearing his laugh all day long.  And my heart just melts when I feel his arms wrap around my legs when I'm standing in the kitchen cooking.

I do adore getting to spend more time with them.  I just wish I could get it together to make it more quality time.

So for all my working-mom friends, know that the grass is always greener.  Or as my old therapist used to say, the grass is always browner.

Ok, enough of my Debbie Downer for today.  It's the husband's birthday so my almost-4 year old and I are going to bake a cake.  From scratch.  Lord help us.

The Problem with Women

There are lots of articles out there about why women aren't in the higher ranks of the legal community.  Why there aren't as many female partners, never mind female equity partners.  Well, the answer is simple.  Women.  We are the problem.  And the backstabbing of one another, to be exact.  Rather than take an opportunity to lift another female attorney up and help her along the way, too often women don't celebrate each other's accomplishments.  Or women will refrain from offering support when support is needed in what is still largely an old boys' club.  The most deplorable offense is taking a stand AGAINST a fellow female attorney because she is asking for something that you didn't get (or perhaps weren't even strong enough to request yourself).

 

Case in point: A good friend of mine is pregnant with her first child.  Her firm's maternity policy (if we can even call it that) is 6 weeks of paid leave.  That's it.  So on day 43 she is expected to return to the office and pick right back up.  On day 43, when she will likely still be bleeding from her recovering postpartum vagina.  On day 43 when she likely won't even have gone in for her first postpartum obstetrician appointment.  On day 43 when her body has healed just enough to possibly have sex again for the first time postpartum. On day 43, when she is finally getting the hang of this nursing thing.  On day 43 which the La Leche League says is too soon to introduce a bottle if you want to have a successful nursing relationship.  On day 43, when her baby is unlikely to be sleeping more than 4-5 hours at a time (and that's if he's a good sleeper).  On day 43, when her hormones will still be a hot mess (and she'll possibly be suffering from postpartum depression, or the baby blues).  On day 43, when that baby who she loves dearly, finally looks at her and smiles for the first time after 6 weeks of giving all she has to meet his every need.  That's the day she's expected to go back to work. 

 

It is simply ridiculous.

 

I've told this dear friend as much and how I don't believe I could've left either of my children at 6 weeks.  It was hard enough to pull out of the driveway at 12 weeks.  She had already thought it would be tough to do, so she approached the partner she reports to and requested an additional 6 weeks of UNPAID leave. He then took her request up to the rest of the partners and she was just told that her request was denied.  Even though she's put in 7 years of service, they wouldn't allow her the standard (which is already too little) 12 weeks of maternity leave that most other firms in town offer.  This alone would've been bad enough.

 

Here's the kicker:  He told her that the reason the partners wouldn't grant her request was because one of the female partner swayed them against it.  SHE had only taken 6 weeks, so why should my friend need any more?  So that was that.

 

I don't have adequate words to describe how awful I think this is.  And my friend, she is just beaten down.  And I don't know what can be said to help her.  So her options at this point are to either quit or leave her newborn baby when he is 6 weeks old.  To go be a lawyer, with old men and women who won't stand together.

 

And this is why women aren't succeeding at the same rates as men. Period.

 

So what can we do?  Simple.  We can support each other.  We can understand that my decisions may be different from yours.  We can recognize the value in helping one another along.  We can lift up, rather than beat down.  We can set aside any "wrongs" we feel we've endured and help others to avoid those same pitfalls.  We can do whatever we can to help bring back the village. 

 

So the next time you have an opportunity to help another woman, think of how you would want to react if this woman was your sister, or your mother, or your aunt, or better yet, your daughter. Because one day, it will be your daughter, and don't you want her to have every opportunity out there.  Don't you want her to be supported and encouraged along the way?  I don't even have a daughter, but I know that I want to live in a world where women love one another and stop tearing each other down.  Perhaps I picked the wrong profession for compassionate women, but I know enough amazing female lawyers to know that is not the case.  I know plenty of women who go out of their way to do whatever they can for the advancement and success of others.  It is just unfortunate that all it takes is one bitter woman to ruin it for the rest of us.

 

So I beg you, women of the law, let us start standing together and stop this nonsense.  Our own happiness shouldn't be dependent on another's failure.  And there are men out there who want to support us, but why should they if we can't even support each other?

WAHM, of sorts

So we're still moving to Macon.  We don't know exactly when or where (house/neighborhood wise) we're going.  We have an appointment with our realtor next week to look at some more potential houses, which is exciting!  I plan on documenting the house hunt on the blog.  But more on that as it actually gets underway.

I have an update on my job situation and it's actually really exciting.  I will be more or less quitting (for lack of a better word) in about a month.  At that time I'll be unemployed and not working, like, at all.  So it's like a maternity leave without a newborn.  But with a big move.  But without legal work.  Hooray!  So I'll take about 6 weeks to move to Macon, get settled in (you know, find the grocery store, hook up the TV/internet/phone, find and enroll the boys in school, unpack), and get a home office up and running.  (All of which I realize can't happen until we actually buy a house. Details, details.)  And then sometime after Labor Day I'll start working with my firm again, but on a contract basis.  The details are still fuzzy and I'm not sure how much work I will be doing, but it is so exciting for a multitude of reasons. 

1.  A paycheck!  While we can make it on Mr. Cob's new government salary (thanks only to the much lower cost of living in Macon), it would be tight.  So my still bringing in some sort of paycheck is very exciting to us.  If I didn't bring anything in, our income would be going down by 66%.  Yes, SIXTY PERCENT LESS money coming in the door.  That's no chump change.  That's a whole LIFESTYLE change.  Thankfully, Macon is opening the door to that lifestyle change and we're grabbing hold, but it's still nice to have some of my money coming in the door.  Especially considering most of our family lives a plane ride away and the last time I checked flights were only getting more and more expensive.

2.  I continue getting to use my law degree and feel like those student loans weren't for naught.  I was not ready to walk away from my career.  Sure, there are days I hate it and moments I wish I'd never gone to law school in the first place, but for the most part I like having a career and making my own money.  I actually enjoy drafting legal documents and love marking up other people's documents (perhaps I should've been a school teacher given my love of the red pen?!).  So this arrangement allows me to continue being a lawyer without having to go find a new firm, which was a very scary prospect for me.  I've been with my firm for 11 years - for a year before law school, as a summer associate, and then the past 6.5 years!  I like my firm and my co-workers, so I'm happy to continue working with them.

3.  I get more flexibility, which is something I've craved since Julian was born.  There's no denying that the past 8 months have been hard for me with the juggling of work and motherhood. The long commute from the suburbs has only made that worse and most days I get home from work and have to put Julian to bed as soon as we walk in the door.  I'm getting very little time with him (and Lukas for that matter).  Working from my house on a part-time basis will give me back some of this wasted time.  No showering in the morning.  No commuting.  My productivity will increase and I can use that time to actually play with my boys.

4. I get time to move without having to worry about hurrying back to work.  I think that's pretty self explanatory.

There are some downsides to the arrangement, sure, but the positives outweigh the negatives.  I'm so excited my firm is working with me and allowing me to continue to be a part of the team.  Granted, I won't be an associate any longer and am therefore off the partnership track, but for me and for my family, the track isn't the number 1 priority.  I think so many lawyers focus on one way of doing it and my impression is that there's a certain stigma associated with being a "contract attorney".  But that's fine.  Being able to continue practicing law while also honoring what is best for my family is what is important to me.  And for the time being, I've found a way to do that!

Back to Oversharing

As you may have noticed, I took a bit of a hiatus from the blog.  I didn't intentionally turn away from it, it just sort of happened.  Julian was born in July.  I had 12 weeks of maternity leave.  I have been back to work full time since early October.  And since about mid-October I've been on this nonstop rollercoaster of failing and sailing (you like what I did there?).

 

Post-partum hormones are for real y'all!  I mean, like whoa.  I can go from laughing and happy to sobbing and feeling pitiful in 2.2 seconds flat.  The husband is wondering where his wife went and when she's coming back.  But in all seriousness, I had a depressive spell that started around month 3 and lasted for a while (and is still hanging around on occasion).  It felt similar to my post-weaning depression I experienced with Lukas, only I was still breastfeeding, so I thought it might be postpartum.  It might have been.  I'm not sure. 

 

What I do know is that I started seeing a therapist again and I love her. I have decided that everyone should be in therapy, even if nothing is "wrong" with your life.  She didn't give me any sort of label (which is why I'm not sure if it was or was not PPD) and she didn't prescribe any meds (honestly, I was sort of hoping she'd say, here's your zoloft prescription, now be off on your merry way).  What she did do was listen.  And offer unbiased advice on how to navigate what I was feeling and experiencing. It helps that she's a working mom of 3, who also breastfed her kids, so she really can relate. I think I cried the first 30-45 minutes of our first visit as I told her what was going on in my life.  But the next week (yes, I went weekly for a while), I maybe only cried for 5 mintues when talking about how hard it is to leave a little itty bitty baby every day to go to a job. 

 

And it is hard to leave an itty bitty baby.  Period.

 

Julian still isn't consistently sleeping through the night.  So I'm sleep deprived.  I went 6 months with no more than 4 hours of sleep at any given time.  This alone didn't help the crying.  We eventually resorted to crying it out (Julian, not me), which did work after 3 nights.  Night one consisted of 2 solid hours of screaming and my getting very drunk.  It was awful, but it did work.  For a week.  And then J got sick and he's back to co-sleeping with us and nursing on and off all night long.  On the plus side, my milk supply has gone back up and I love waking up to his sweet face every morning.  And I even smile when I wake up in the middle of the night to his little hands searching for me.  But I'm tired.  Very tired.

 

So the depression has lifted and the sleep has slightly improved but I'm still having a hard time.  I'm trying to figure out how to be a good mom to these two little boys who mean the world to me.  I struggle daily with fears that I'm yet again making a bad decision by working rather than being a stay-at-home-mom for them.  I think this is a normal fear when you have an itty bitty baby.  It lessons when your child gets a little older, at least it has for me with Lukas.  But it's hard.  And I'm not 100% confident in the decision I've currently made (i.e. to continue practicing law). 

 

But I have made one change that has been hugely helpful (and which has allowed me the freedom to write about this issue on the blog): I'm no longer pretending to anyone like this isn't really, really hard.  It sort of happened by accident.  In December we were really busy at work and I was working a lot.  I was still crying a lot too.  And one day my boss stopped by to see how I was doing and I just lost it.  I was completely honest with him and told him that I was struggling with working this much and being a mom and even said that at this time I wasn't willing to put in the hours necessary.  I am not willing to give up the little time I have with the boys at night and on the weekends to work.  I refuse to do it.  I said all this very uneloquently in between huge sobs and tears.  It was not pretty.  I'm confident he thought I was going to quit.  I was seriously considered quitting.  And then a weight sort of lifted.  My worst work fear had happened.  I had had the complete and total meltdown in front of my male boss.  And nothing bad happened because of it.  (At least not yet.  If I'm going to be penalized because I admit that being a working mom is hard, well then my firm isn't the firm I think it is, nor is it somewhere I want to continue my career.)  So far, being honest about the struggle has only helped.  I've been told that it's OK to flex my time and that there is no problem with my schedule as long as I'm getting my work done.  Who'd have thunk?

 

It's still hard, but it feels more manageable now that I'm proceeding in an honest way.  I'm not having to fake a happy face every single day or act like I don't have kids where work is concerned.  The fact of the matter is that I am a mother. I am also a lawyer.  And I am not the same lawyer now that I am a mom.  It took me two kids to fully realize this.  I am not going to worry about what people think when I leave the office a 4:30 to pick up my children.  I'm going to say I am taking my son to his orthotist appointment or his physical therapy appointment (oh yea, did I mention that Julian has torticollis and plagiocephaly and has been wearing a helmet for 8+ weeks?) rather than tell my colleagues I have "an appointment".  And when daycare is closed, I am going to take the day off rather than plunk my kids in front of the TV for 8 hours while I continue working.  Work can wait.  My kids cannot.  End of story.

 

So that's what I've been up to. Life is beautiful and motherhood is amazing.  I love these boys with all my heart.  But I'm also a complete mess and struggle every day to figure out what the hell I'm doing.  And it would help if I could zip up my old jeans, which I can't.  (Not even close).  At least I'm honest about it all.

A 5 Day a Week Battle

It's happening again. I'm feeling a strong pull to turn in my briefcase and this 9-5 gig. Last Monday I emailed my BFF and told her we needed to talk because I'd made a very important decision that morning and I wanted her to non-judgementally tell me if I was crazy. Our schedules made it so we didn't have that talk until Thursday over a glass of wine (her) and orange juice with a side of pear-gorgonzola flat bread (pregnant me). She patiently waited for me to dive in to my newest self-centered world problem, as good friends do. But when it was time to tell her what my big "decision" was, I started it out with, well I think I've changed my mind already. She laughed and knew what my big decision (or lack thereof) was without me even having to tell her. (If you haven't figured it out yet: I had decided that I was going to quit my six-figure lawyer job for the SAHM gig, without actually running the idea by my husband. But by the very next day there was no way I was going to do that.)


I just keep changing my mind. Daily. Sometimes hourly.

This constant juggling act is hard.  I know parenting is hard and I don't think everything magically turns to gold the minute you trade in your career for full time domestic goddess-ness.  But I can't help but wonder if we would all be happier if that were the decision I made.

I don't know if Lukas' recent reluctance to get out of bed in the morning and say goodbye to us at school is because he is two, or because he really would rather be at home with mommy.  I don't know if his fear of my leaving his room before he falls asleep at night is because he is two, or because he truly needs to spend more time with his mommy.  I do know that prying him off my leg and handing him over to his teacher when he cries and begs me not to go is torture for me.  I know that listening to him plead with me not to leave his room at night is heart wrenching and most nights I don't leave until he is sound asleep.  I know I am the parent and I should not be letting a two year old dictate his bedtime routine, but the guilt of the matter is eating me up.  I can't help but feel like he wants to read one more book and rock for one more minute and then sit in my lap and cuddle before bed because he feels like he doesn't see me enough during the day. 

On a good day I'm with him 15-20 minutes in the morning and then 2.5 hours at night (30 minutes of which are spent in the car and another 30 I'm preparing dinner and an hour of which is spent doing the bedtime thing).  I want more time.  I need more time with him.

So emotionally the decision is easy.

Financially and logistically and realistically there is a lot more to it.  There are the thousands of dollars of debt that I still have to pay back from law school loans.  There is the financial hit that our family would take.  There would be the change in lifestyle.  There would be a reduction in money to travel and visit family.  There is the juris doctor diploma hanging on my wall that I'm not sure I want to give up just yet, if ever.  There is the sense of identity I have with being a lawyer.  There is the unknown aspect of being a stay-at-home-mom.  There is the worry of being wholly financially dependent on my husband and putting that pressure on him.  There is the fear of stepping away from a great job that I may never be able to get back.  There is the worry of what if something happened to my husband in the future and I wasn't in a position to support our family anymore.  There is another mouth to be fed in less than 4 short months.  There are all the positive aspects of daycare.  There is the security that comes with a two-income household.  There are just a lot of unknowns.

I've decided it's best to not make any rash decisions while pregnant.  Pregnancy hormones are real man.  Like whoa.  I know I'm hyper sensitive and hyper emotional right now.  I know this in my head.  It's just conveying that to my heart that is the daily struggle.

A Peek: Rub-a-Dub-Dub

So, let's chat about soaping up, shall we?

What I'm curious about: When do you shower and do your hair?  At night?  Every morning?  Do you pee in the shower? And if you shower at night how do you not have the dreaded bed head look every day?  And the little ones.  Do you give them a bath every night? Every other night?  Or do you shower with them say on the weekends?  On the days you don't bathe them, do you wipe them down with a wash cloth and soap?  How do you get the dirt out from under their nails on non-bath nights?

For me, I shower every.single.morning.  Unless it's the weekend and then I might shower sometime in the afternoon, or not at all if we have no plans to see anyone.  I've tried to shower at night but my hair just looks a mess the next day and I spend all day feeling unclean.  I wish I could get over the hump because showering at night sounds SO appealing.  Mainly because you could sleep in an extra 20-30 minute.  But for now, it's not for me.  I have recently started washing my hair every other day (which is huge after being a wash every single day no matter what sort of girl for years), so that helps cut down on the getting ready time.  I can even push it out a third day if I use dry shampoo, but more times than not I'll end up washing my hair the third day for fear of looking really greasy.

Can I tell you a secret?  Most days I don't wake up until 7am or 7:30.  And some days I feel really guilty about that.  I always thought you had to wake up early when you have little kids.  But if Lukas is still sleeping, I'm still sleeping.  Mr. Cob and I don't have a fancy bed, but it is ridiculously comfortable and sucks you in.   Most mornings we each hit snooze on our alarms until the last possible minute.  I am really not a morning person anymore.  On our average morning Mr. Cob is awake and showering before I get up.  Then I get Lukas up and dressed while the husband dresses.  And my boys are both out the door around 7:30.  And the house is all mine.  Some days I make myself breakfast and watch TV.  Other days if I need to get to work for a meeting, I'll race upstairs and hurry to get showered and dressed myself.  On a good day I've showered and dried my hair before Lukas wakes up, so I only have about 10 minutes to finish up before they leave (10 minutes is all it takes to do my makeup (I could probably use some pointers in that department) and throw on a dress - my go to work outfit).  My mornings alone at home are one of my guilty pleasures.  I also know they are very short lived with a new baby on the way.  Soon enough we'll be hanging out at 6am. That is, if he lets me sleep in...

Oh and yes, I pee in the shower.  I don't understand why you'd waste water by flushing the toilet mere seconds before getting in the shower and just doing your thing in there.  Mr. Cob found this habit of mine repulsive when he first learned of it years ago.  Now, he's a convert.  It's liberating, trust me.

Ok and now on to bathing the little man.  Full disclosure here: I worry some days that Lukas is the dirty kid at school.  (That might also be part of my inferiority complex at our school where many days I feel like we don't belong because these the moms and dads drive such fancy cars, dress their kids in designer duds, have huge diamond rings and are all probably better off than we are.  Not that I notice. Sorry, where was I?)  I don't think you can tell Lukas hasn't been bathed every night, but it still worries me. I try to give him a bath every other day, but it's just really hard during the week.  And he has super sensitive skin that gets really dry if he's in the bath too often. It's not that he hates the bath, he loves it.  It's just another thing to do at night and some days it's 7:50 before I could even think to get him in the tub, so I tend to wait until he must bathe.  Like when he gets Fig Newton in his hair like last night.  I wish he would shower, which seems to be a much quicker process than the bath with all the bubbles and toys, but Lukas hates water in his eyes and over his head so showers are out.  It's possible he once went four days between baths.  But I won't admit anything.

And no, I don't usually clean him down with soap and water and a wash cloth on his non-bath nights.  Occasionally, if I remember, I'll wipe him down with a baby wipe during a diaper change.  Yes, a clean wipe.  (Which by-the-way are also great for taking off eye make up, getting stains out of clothes and wiping down your counters/toilet seats.)  If his hair is wild in the morning I'll throw some water on it and run a comb through his hair.  And let's not talk about brushing his teeth.  Not because we don't do it, just because I know you don't care.  OK?  Ok.

A baseball cap is also good for hiding dirty hair.   So I've heard.

As for the dirt under his nails, I've decided this is a little boy honor badge and no longer worry about it.  New dirt just piles on minutes after a good scrubbing anyway.  But if you're trying to be all fancy for your in-laws or some hoity-toity friends, an old toothbrush and soap works wonders for that "I do bathe my child regularly look".  If that's your thing.

Ok, so now it's your turn to answer my questions and give us a peek into your hygiene routine. Leave a comment or join the Linky Party and link up to your own blog post on the topic!

What the "Experts" Fail to Talk About

So thanks to the folks who have filled out my little survey!  So far, the lead contender for an increase in air time is Being a Working Mom.  It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts on this very hot button issue, so let's check in for an update.

If you read the news (and I consider Huffington Post and CNN to be the news), then you know the whole work-life-balance/working mom/can women have it all topic has been HOT HOT HOT lately.  From Marissa Mayer to Anne-Marie Slaughter and most recently Sheryl Sandberg's new book, the issue is all over the place.  And critics are hitting it from every angle.  Except for one.  People don't seem to talk about the emotinal side of being a working mom.

It's one thing to tell women to "Lean In" at work and take on more duties.  Or to let go of the mom-guilt and stop trying to be perfect in your appearance, house and child-rearing.  And to not set yourself up to fail by say jumping off the partner track before you even have a child.  These are all easy to say in a vacuum, but in reality, they are hard things to do.  And they are impossible to do without experiencing the feelings that go along with doing these things.

One article I read today highlighted a mother who said she didn't mind missing her daughter's 4th birthday because we all turn 4 and it's just another birthday.  The author applauded this mom for taking her career seriously and not letting mom-guilt eat her up for missing her daughter's birthday.  I say bravo to that woman, but that's not for all women.  That is not me.  Nor do I ever strive for that to be me.  I never want to be OK with missing my child's birthday.  No matter the cost.  There is no work accomplishment that I can think of that would make missing my kid's birthday OK.  And if I did have to miss the birthday, you can be damn sure I'd be torn up about it and have a hard time holding back tears when someone asks how it feels to be missing a milestone. 

I don't judge this woman for being OK with missing this event in her daughter's life.  To each her own.  But what I do find offensive is the insinuation that to be a successful working mom/career woman, you have to give up on the "mom" part a little.  You have to be OK with being a little less in your mom world.  And I am not OK with that.

I don't know if women can have it all.  I don't know if I want it all.  I do know I don't want it all if it means I'm not there for all the crucial aspects of my kids' lives.  And the hard part, when you're the mom, and especially when your kids are young, is that it all feels crucial.  It is hard to miss any of it.

Some days my son still cries and clings to my leg when I drop him off at daycare.  He is 2 years and 4 months old.  The last 7 days in a row he has begged me or my husband not to leave him.  These mornings are heartbreaking.  And we are leaving him somewhere that we love, with people who have become family to us.  But he is not with his mom or his dad.  For 9 hours a day, 5 days a week he is not with one of his parents.  That is more than a 3rd of his day spent apart from us.  And he is only 2 years old.  It breaks my heart when I really think about it.

I tell myself many things to get through the hours of 8-5 when we're apart.  I tell myself that he is thriving at school.  That he is such a cheerful boy and his social skills are stellar.  I tell myself that his teachers do more with him at school than I would do at home - they draw, they paint, they sing songs.  I tell myself that he is happy and what more could I possibly want or hope for him.  I tell myself these things daily.  But I'm not sure I believe them.  Yet I keep telling myself them.  I will them to be true.  Perhaps they are.  But I have doubts and I have guilt and I have a deep fear that I'll regret the decisions I'm making today in the future.  I worry I'll feel as though I missed his childhood.  That I wasn't there enough.

And while this isn't one of those posts to boost other working mom's up and convince you that you too can do it, it is an honest post.  It is a struggle for me to be a full-time working mom.  Some days are very hard.  I miss my son when I am at work.  I have no less than ten pictures of him up in my office so I can look at his smiling face while I'm away.  I watch videos of him on my iphone while I'm eating my lunch.  I race to daycare at 5pm eager to see him, as picking him up is the best part of my day.

While the world keeps debating the "having it all" question, I hope people start talking about the feelings of it a little more.  Because I think it's important for us working moms to admit that sometimes we aren't tough like men and we do feel very strong emotions about being away from our children all day.  And I'm not ready to simply push those feelings aside in order to just lean in.  I'm pretty sure I couldn't even if I tried.  And for me, I don't want to try.