Maybe Babies do Self-Wean

Julian turned 9 months a week or so ago.  At his 9 month checkup my suspicions were confirmed: he's a tiny little thing.  He's only in the 3rd percentile for weight (16.64 pounds) but 75th for height.  He's tall and skinny (he certainly doesn't get that from me!)   The doctor isn't concerned about his weight because he's continuing to grow on the same curve, but it's a little unsettling as his momma to hear he's so teeny!!!  More on that later.

Julian has 4 teeth (no new ones in a month), but he seems to be teething again.  I'm thinking the other top middle tooth is about to emerge.  Thankfully he doesn't seem too distressed about the teeth coming in - he's really an all around easy-going baby. 

 

Last night was the third night in a row that he slept all night, so I'm hoping we're on to something.  I am really ready for consistently full nights of sleep myself and I know he needs the sleep as well.  He and Lukas are still sharing a room even though we're at my parents' house - we thought about separating them, and have plenty of room to do so, but Lukas seems to like his brother in the room and they don't wake each other up so we're going to roll with it for now.  J has two lovies he sleeps with - a lion and a little bear and has totally stopped taking a pacifier (the first picture above is actually a teether!)



 

J is such a sweet little guy - and so happy. He lights up when his daddy walks in the room and adores his big brother.  His arms and legs start flailing when he sees either of them and he grins from ear to ear!

He's crawling and cruising around furniture and has just started standing without holding on to anything.  He can stand for about 5 seconds before realizing he's not attached to anything at which point he gets scared and falls down or reaches to steady himself.  I think he'll start walking any day now! 

He's eating any and everything and has a big appetite!  Last night for dinner he ate an slice of quiche and a cup of yogurt!  If you are eating around him, he'll make it known that he expects you to share!

The biggest news with J is that as of this week he's no longer nursing, which has been a hard decision for me but an easy one for him.  Julian has never been a big fan of nursing - he never comfort nursed and he refused to nurse unless he was really hungry.  For the past month or so he's been consistently less and less interested.  I would try to nurse him and he would stop after only a minute or two and push away from me.  He was done.  But I kept thinking it was too soon.  Everything you read says that babies do not self wean before a year. I nursed Lukas until he was 19 MONTHS!  So stopping at 9 months with Julian was not the plan.  But as I am continuing to learn, even though the boys look like twins, they are two very different children.  And I'm also having to remind myself that I'm not a bad mommy for doing things one way with Lukas and another way with Julian.  (Of course you knew there would be guilt, there is always guilt....).

So what was the final straw that pushed me over the edge?  This past weekend J woke up from a nap and I nursed him, a good 4-5 minutes which is actually long for him these days.  Afterwards I was holding him while I sorted empty bottles for daycare the next day and J started going nuts.  He was flailing his arms and reaching for the bottle, clearly wanting it.  So I filled it up with 6 ounces of formula to see if he'd drink it.  He did.  Plus 2 more ounces.  The kid was hungry.  Apparently he wasn't getting what he needed from me even when he was nursing.  So after some more guilt over the fact that my milk may not have been adequate for him (remember how tiny he is?  is that my fault?!?), I made the decision to listen to my little guy and stop nursing him.  Tuesday morning I nursed him for less than one minute before he pushed me away and I thought that'd be the last time.  He didn't ask to nurse or paw at my shirt the next two days, but he rarely ever had in the last 9 months - he just wasn't a big fan of the whole thing.  I think he is just too busy to stop and nurse in a dark room with his momma.  And don't even get me started on trying to nurse him under a nursing cover!  He'd rather drink a bottle in the kitchen and watch his big brother play.  Damn social second kids!

Last night I was giving him a bottle before bed and he was falling asleep as he drank.  He stopped taking the bottle and curled up on my chest with his eyes fluttering.  I convinced myself that he was asking to nurse (he wasn't), so for one last time, sitting in the white wicker chair with the purple cushion in the guest room of my parents house, I nursed him and drank in the sight and smell of my baby boy who is growing up much too quickly for my liking.  I have tears in my eyes now as I write that.  Nursing is such an emotional experience for me and I'm a bit heartbroken to be stopping, but I know he's ready.  I don't care what any La Leche follower says.  My boy was done, and as a result, so am I.  Now I just hold on to hope that my hormones don't come crashing down around me in a sea of post-weaning depression.

Back to Oversharing

As you may have noticed, I took a bit of a hiatus from the blog.  I didn't intentionally turn away from it, it just sort of happened.  Julian was born in July.  I had 12 weeks of maternity leave.  I have been back to work full time since early October.  And since about mid-October I've been on this nonstop rollercoaster of failing and sailing (you like what I did there?).

 

Post-partum hormones are for real y'all!  I mean, like whoa.  I can go from laughing and happy to sobbing and feeling pitiful in 2.2 seconds flat.  The husband is wondering where his wife went and when she's coming back.  But in all seriousness, I had a depressive spell that started around month 3 and lasted for a while (and is still hanging around on occasion).  It felt similar to my post-weaning depression I experienced with Lukas, only I was still breastfeeding, so I thought it might be postpartum.  It might have been.  I'm not sure. 

 

What I do know is that I started seeing a therapist again and I love her. I have decided that everyone should be in therapy, even if nothing is "wrong" with your life.  She didn't give me any sort of label (which is why I'm not sure if it was or was not PPD) and she didn't prescribe any meds (honestly, I was sort of hoping she'd say, here's your zoloft prescription, now be off on your merry way).  What she did do was listen.  And offer unbiased advice on how to navigate what I was feeling and experiencing. It helps that she's a working mom of 3, who also breastfed her kids, so she really can relate. I think I cried the first 30-45 minutes of our first visit as I told her what was going on in my life.  But the next week (yes, I went weekly for a while), I maybe only cried for 5 mintues when talking about how hard it is to leave a little itty bitty baby every day to go to a job. 

 

And it is hard to leave an itty bitty baby.  Period.

 

Julian still isn't consistently sleeping through the night.  So I'm sleep deprived.  I went 6 months with no more than 4 hours of sleep at any given time.  This alone didn't help the crying.  We eventually resorted to crying it out (Julian, not me), which did work after 3 nights.  Night one consisted of 2 solid hours of screaming and my getting very drunk.  It was awful, but it did work.  For a week.  And then J got sick and he's back to co-sleeping with us and nursing on and off all night long.  On the plus side, my milk supply has gone back up and I love waking up to his sweet face every morning.  And I even smile when I wake up in the middle of the night to his little hands searching for me.  But I'm tired.  Very tired.

 

So the depression has lifted and the sleep has slightly improved but I'm still having a hard time.  I'm trying to figure out how to be a good mom to these two little boys who mean the world to me.  I struggle daily with fears that I'm yet again making a bad decision by working rather than being a stay-at-home-mom for them.  I think this is a normal fear when you have an itty bitty baby.  It lessons when your child gets a little older, at least it has for me with Lukas.  But it's hard.  And I'm not 100% confident in the decision I've currently made (i.e. to continue practicing law). 

 

But I have made one change that has been hugely helpful (and which has allowed me the freedom to write about this issue on the blog): I'm no longer pretending to anyone like this isn't really, really hard.  It sort of happened by accident.  In December we were really busy at work and I was working a lot.  I was still crying a lot too.  And one day my boss stopped by to see how I was doing and I just lost it.  I was completely honest with him and told him that I was struggling with working this much and being a mom and even said that at this time I wasn't willing to put in the hours necessary.  I am not willing to give up the little time I have with the boys at night and on the weekends to work.  I refuse to do it.  I said all this very uneloquently in between huge sobs and tears.  It was not pretty.  I'm confident he thought I was going to quit.  I was seriously considered quitting.  And then a weight sort of lifted.  My worst work fear had happened.  I had had the complete and total meltdown in front of my male boss.  And nothing bad happened because of it.  (At least not yet.  If I'm going to be penalized because I admit that being a working mom is hard, well then my firm isn't the firm I think it is, nor is it somewhere I want to continue my career.)  So far, being honest about the struggle has only helped.  I've been told that it's OK to flex my time and that there is no problem with my schedule as long as I'm getting my work done.  Who'd have thunk?

 

It's still hard, but it feels more manageable now that I'm proceeding in an honest way.  I'm not having to fake a happy face every single day or act like I don't have kids where work is concerned.  The fact of the matter is that I am a mother. I am also a lawyer.  And I am not the same lawyer now that I am a mom.  It took me two kids to fully realize this.  I am not going to worry about what people think when I leave the office a 4:30 to pick up my children.  I'm going to say I am taking my son to his orthotist appointment or his physical therapy appointment (oh yea, did I mention that Julian has torticollis and plagiocephaly and has been wearing a helmet for 8+ weeks?) rather than tell my colleagues I have "an appointment".  And when daycare is closed, I am going to take the day off rather than plunk my kids in front of the TV for 8 hours while I continue working.  Work can wait.  My kids cannot.  End of story.

 

So that's what I've been up to. Life is beautiful and motherhood is amazing.  I love these boys with all my heart.  But I'm also a complete mess and struggle every day to figure out what the hell I'm doing.  And it would help if I could zip up my old jeans, which I can't.  (Not even close).  At least I'm honest about it all.

The Post that Vanished

So, some of you may have seen the below post on Tuesday of this week.  It was up for a few hours and then was mysteriously taken down.  And by mysteriously taken down, I mean I removed it.  I posted it without thinking too much about the consequences and about the fact that I was doing the one thing I try not to do: announce/elude to something on the blog before I've told my family and close friends.  So I wanted to take down the post and at the very least,talk to my mom.  Turns out she saw the post in the two hours it was up.  And the post wasn't even news to her - as I should've known, even across the country in California, she's known something has been going on with me.  Then after I removed the post, something didn't feel right.  I felt like I was hiding by choosing to stop writing, and that's not what I'm about.   In the event that other women are going through something similar, I've decided to keep writing and to open up about what's going on.  But before that, the vanished post:

TTT: Know Your Limits

This post is framed as a tip so that I don't miss a Toddler Tips Tuesday post.  But it's more of an admission and an explanation.


The truth is that I am overextended right now. 


Everything feels like "too much" and something has got to give.  Right now, the thing to give is going to be this blog. 


I love writing and I love sharing my parenting journey with all of you, but lately it is feeling like yet another obligation and a burden. 


I try to be as genuine as possible on this blog and I haven't been totally forthcoming lately, so rather than continue to pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows, I'm going to stop writing publicly on the blog for a while.  The post-weaning depression did not go away on it's own.  It got worse.  So I'm sure that has something to do with my overwhelmed feelings of late.  But I'm not prepared to share that personal aspect of my life just yet. I'm dealing with it and I hope to talk about that at some point, just not right now.


I'm continuing again to struggle with the pulls of being a mom and wife and lawyer.  So for the time being, rather than put extra energy into keeping up this blog, I'm going to focus on my family and try to figure some things out.  And I think I need to sort these things out privately, rather than in a public venue, regardless of how few people read this blog.


So thank you for following over the past few years.  I plan on writing again and picking this blog back up, I'm just not sure when that will be.  It could be next week, or it could be in a year.  At this point, I'm not sure.

So, let me explain.  The biggest things has been the fact that the post-weaning depression was real and really did not go away.  Here's the post I wrote a few weeks ago, but chickened out rather than posting:

Weaning Depression: Full Disclosure

So I have been debating whether or not to write this post. My general rule is not to post anything on the blog that could cause a phone call from my mom or close friends asking me something along the lines of "why did I learn about this from your blog?". This post will cause those phone calls. If you're reading this and you don't know about this yet, I'm sorry. I just haven't been up for talking about it.



The sadness, despair and tears after weaning didn't stop. Four weeks later, they were still there. It all came to a head last week. I couldn't stop crying at work. As in, had the door shut all day and just sobbed at my desk. Nothing was wrong, yet I couldn't stop crying. Everything seemed horrible and amplified. I called Mr. Cob at one point and cried to him and said that I just couldn't do it anymore. Everything was too hard. Work was too much and I just felt like I was failing. He told me to call the doctor. I promised I would, but was lying. Luckily, my phone rang shortly thereafter. A woman I consider my mentor called me and asked how I was doing. I said fine and she said "you don't sound fine." And the flood gates opened. And I told her how I just felt like I was constantly on the verge of a panic attack. How I was sobbing for no reason. How it just felt like too much. And she said she understood and that she'd had similar issues after weaning. And she convinced me to hang up the phone and call my doctor. Like, right now. So I did. I called my OB and talked to the nurse and explained what was going on. She talked to the doctor and then called me back saying the doctor was calling me in a prescription for an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. And she gave me the name of a few therapists.

So I filled the prescription and have been taking it for a week. I was more depressed and sad the first two days. Part of me felt completely defeated for not being able to deal with this on my own. A part of me worried what my family and friends would think. A part of me worried it wouldn't help.


Day 3 I woke up feeling better. I haven't cried uncontrollably for no reason. I haven't had the horrible anxiety. I haven't felt lost or sad. I finally am starting to feel like me again.


And tomorrow morning I go to see a therapist. As a wise woman recently told me, a little therapy is good for everyone.

I don't want to take medicine for a long time, but I was to the point of struggling to function at work and get through my day. So I'm glad I called the doctor. I'm trying not to feel embarrassed. But for some reason I am. Even writing this post, I question whether I'll actually post it for the world. Actually, it's not the world I'm concerned about. It's those I'm close to.


So for now, the truth is that I am taking an antidepressant and I'm seeing a therapist.  These are big, personal things that I have very mixed emotions about.  But if I'm going to keep writing this blog, then I must keep being honest and right now, Zoloft and therapy are my truth.  Thankfully, they are also working.  More on that soon....

Weaning & Depression

So I've been doing research the past couple of days on weaning and depression.  As it would turn out, this is not an uncommon occurrence (see a relevant Huffington Post article here and one on a blog I follow, Cup of Jo here).  Thankfully, a friend of mine sent me the Cup of Jo article a couple of months ago when I first mentioned to her that I thought Lukas might start weaning sometime in the near future.  But then his nursing apathy went away and I continued breastfeeding him until two weeks ago, more or less forgetting about the article.

I was well aware of postpartum depression, as my doctor had warned me about it and asked me at my follow-up appointment how I was doing and told me the signs to look out for.  But no one, until I read the Cup fo Jo post, had warned me about post-weaning depression.  It seems to be a sort of delayed-PPD.

Aside from being sad the first 10 days post breastfeeding, I was my normal self.  Then something happened on day 11.  The sadness was overwhelming.  Day 12 followed with more intense sadness and an deep sense of loss.  I found myself crying at my desk at work for no reason at all.  Nothing was "wrong" but I couldn't stop sobbing.  I then realized that perhaps these emotions were weaning-related.  After more online research, I learned that there are other moms who have experienced the same feelings that I'm currently experiencing.  Yesterday I was not feeling as much sadness and depression as I was feeling anxiety.  It comes and goes, but twice yesterday I had to stop what I was doing and recall the hypnobirthing breathing from my pregnancy class (slow inhale for count of 4, slow exhale for a count of 8).  I was able to calm down and avoid a full on panic attack, which I feared was imminent.  And today, two weeks in, I feel OK.  But I have had restless sleep the past few nights and was up for a few hours last night tossing and turning, when I'm usually a very sound sleeper.  Perhaps another effect from weaning.

It helps to know there is a reason that I feel "off" right now.  My hormones are shifting.  My hormones are to blame.  I keep telling myself this and it is helping me to stay centered and not freak myself out.  But I simply do not feel like myself.  From what I've read, things should get back to normal within 2-4 weeks of weaning (I'm hoping for 2 weeks, as that would be today).  But if it seems to get worse or lasts more than a month, I'm going to call the doctor.  Right now I'm just thankful it's not a deep depression, but just a mild feeling of sadness and melancholy.

So if you're a nursing mom, or might be one day in the future, just be aware that you may have some issues when you stop nursing.  I think it is important for more women to be aware of the possible connection between weaning and depression and know what to look for.  Talk to your doctor.  Research online.  Reach out to friends who have weaned.  Just know that this is normal and there's nothing wrong with getting help if you're feeling depressed.  Lord knows I plan on it if I feel myself slipping into any sadder of a place. Hopefully my hormones are starting to regulate themselves, but if not, I'm calling the doc.  And there is nothing wrong with that. 

If you've stopped nursing, I'd love to hear from you.  Did you have any issues?  How long did they last?  If you don't want to comment, please email me at thenestingswans@gmail.com

I'm a "Wean-ee"

Weaning Day 12.

My current thoughts. WARNING, they're not all coherent...

1. Days 1-10 were easy. Aside from the guilt. And the emotions. Physically they were easy.

2. Day 11 I woke up leaking milk (glamorous, eh?) and I felt like my boobs were going to explode. I was in serious pain. The pain lasted all day.

3. Day 12 the hormonal craziness started. Tears. Unexplained sadness. Sobbing. I feel like I'm losing control and I have no idea why. I think it's all related to the weaning.

4. Other "side effects" I have at the moment: fatigue, headache, nausea, leg cramps, itching, tender boobs and dizziness. Like I said, I feel like I'm going crazy.

5. I wish I hadn't stopped nursing. I feel like I made a mistake. I don't know why I feel this way. Lukas hasn't asked for milk/to nurse in days. Now he asks for moo milk (the kind from a cow). He isn't mad at me or showing any signs that he misses nursing. Yet I still feel sad and like I made the wrong decision.

6. Lukas still wants momma to put him to bed at night. We thought having Mr. Cob do bedtime would help Lukas transition away from nursing easier. But we quickly realized that by my stopping nursing AND simultaneously not putting him to bed anymore that he may have felt like I was deserting him. He would wail and cry out for me. After a couple days we realized he just wanted momma. Not my milk. So I took to doing bedtime again and he hasn't cried at all. Lesson learned for weaning future kids.

7. My boobs are quickly shrinking. Boo.

8. My stomach has also been shrinking. I feel like my body is suddenly letting go of all the bloat and the excess fat it was holding on to while I was nursing. A nice positive in a sea of negatives. At least I look thin.

9. I've been starving the past couple of days. No clue if this has anything to do with weaning.

10. I miss it.

Everybody DOES Wean

This time 19 months ago I was exhausted in bed at the hospital wishing my little dude would hurry up and arrive.  Eventually, after many many hours, he did. My life changed in more ways than I can count the day that Lukas was born, but there has been one constant in my life since his arrival, until exactly one week ago.  Aside from about 5 days when I was away on various trips alone, every day for the last 18 months and three weeks I have breastfed Lukas.  And a week ago it ended.  I've been hesitant to write this post as I was unsure of the finality of my decision to stop, but at this point I think it is safe to say we are done. 

I have very mixed emotions about this particular change in my mom life. 

First and foremost, I am sad.  Our nursing time was our bonding time.  I could tune out the rest of my world and just sit with my baby and focus on him.  It was how I started every day.  And it was our way of reconnecting after spending each workday apart.  It was my way of comforting him when he was upset or scared.  It was my way of feeding him and helping him grow.  It was our time to snuggle before putting him down to sleep each night. It was one of the ways we said I love you. But mainly, it was our time to be together.  And for the loss of all those things, I am so, sincerely, depressingly sad.  I have tears growing as I write this. I'm mourning what feels like a loss. I'm questioning my decision.

I'm also harboring a lot of guilt.  (You knew there would be mom-guilt.)  There's always mom-guilt, it seems.  So yes, another emotion I'm feeling, is guilt.  I didn't expect to feel such strong guilt for stopping breastfeeding after nursing well beyond the "recommended" minimum time (6 months to a year).  I've nursed longer than most moms in the United States (57% of moms have stopped by 6 months and 78% have stopped by a year), yet I still feel guilt for stopping.  I know I've been in the minority "extended breastfeeding" group for the last 6 months and my brain tells me that I've done so much good for Lukas for nursing him as long as I have.  But my heart feels the guilt at stopping.  The guilt I feel isn't because I think I haven't nursed him long enough.  Yet I feel guilt.  I feel guilty that I didn't follow "child-led weaning".  I didn't let Lukas fully decide when our nursing relationship would end. I noticed his cues (some mornings he would rather read than nurse and some nights he'd go in the crib without wanting to rock and he didn't ask to nurse if my mom or Mr. Cob put him to bed), and I interpreted these cues as the push I needed to make the decision to stop.  But I feel guilty because while I know that Lukas isn't nutritionally dependent on nursing, I fear I'm stopping him from something he enjoys and wants to continue doing.  I did not wait for him to completely stop asking to nurse or to lose interest.  When it comes down to it, I decided to stop.  I mother-led our nursing relationship to its end.  And for that I feel extreme guilt.  Especially this morning when he asked me to nurse and I chose to say no.  For a second, before I could distract him with cheese in the kitchen, he looked confused about my telling him no.  He didn't look sad, just confused.  But quickly he forgot and went about devouring his cheese.  But in keeping it real, I feel that I have to tell you about the guilt.  Because it is so there.

So why did I stop?  If I feel such sadness and guilt, why the decision to stop?  I'm sure I'll get judgement from pro-extended nursing moms for this, but the answer is that I was done. It was time.  I wanted my body back.  And it was getting a bit painful to nurse.  I think my milk supply had dropped dramatically due to my few days here and there of no nursing when Lukas just wasn't interested, so when he would nurse he wasn't getting much milk and I guess he was sucking harder in an attempt to get the milk flowing.  This was simply causing me discomfort and I stopped looking forward to our nursing sessions.  I wanted to snuggle with my boy, but not necessarily nurse him.  And I want to have some time where my body is just mine again before giving it over to another baby.  I was pregnant for 9 months and then nursed for almost 19, so if my math skills are right, my body hasn't been just "mine" for over 2 years.  And I wanted it back.  I also feared that the longer I kept nursing Lukas the harder it would be to stop.  With each day he is learning new words and maybe this is cowardly, but I didn't want to wait until he could clearly articulate his desire for milk and his displeasure with not receiving it.  I also do think Lukas was more or less ready to stop.  He hasn't asked for milk most morning this week - instead he asks me to read to him or to "eat".  He's growing up and that means our relationship is changing.  He doesn't need me in the way he did for that first year.  My baby is becoming a little boy.  This is hard for me to accept.  I'm crying now writing that.  My heart is heavy.  But I think this is the right decision for me and for Lukas.

I will always cherish my days of nursing him.  I'm so happy that I got over my initial negative thoughts on the subject and was willing to try it.  I'm lucky that we had such a long nursing relationship and that it worked for us.  And I know there will be days that I will miss it.  I will miss rocking with him in his room at 3 in the morning nursing him.  But it is time to move forward, and as the saying goes "Everybody weans."

You ARE enough & So am I

Ok, so I didn't really want to write this post, but the more I read comments about the TIME Magazine cover photo showing Jamie Lynne Grumet breastfeeding her nearly 4 year old son, the more I felt compelled to share my thoughts.  I have more to say on the picture and topic than I could fit in 180 characters on twitter, or in a comment to another article.

TIME Magazine cover

So, I have mixed emotions about this photo.  For one thing, bravo to the TIME Magazine marketing department.  You got people talking (hello Twitter and Facebook - is there anyone who has not heard about the cover yet?) and I for one cannot wait to read the actual article.  So job well done from the marketing standpoint.  The photo definitely grabs your attention.  I'd really love to hear from any mother that has nursed her child in this position, I mean really?  I'm a little surprised the author would want to have this particular photo taken.  It sensationalizes breastfeeding and as an extended breastfeeder myself, I don't think this photo does anything to make people more comfortable with the practice.  More on that in a minute.

I HATE the title of the article.  "Are You Mom Enough?"  The answer for every mother out there (except for the drug addicts, child abuser, etc.), is F*CK YES, regardless of whether you breastfed for an hour, a day, a month, a year, ten years or not one single time.  You are mom enough.  Period.  This headline simply fuels the mommy wars.  And for that alone, it enrages me.  We need to stop comparing ourselves to other moms and judging each other.  Most moms are doing the very best they can and they should be applauded, not made to feel inadequate because they don't breastfeed or co-sleep. 

Aside from the shocking photo and the horrible title, I'm happy that TIME is running an article that includes a discussion about extended breastfeeding.  At least it gets people talking.  I don't follow all of  Attachment Parenting's principles - Lukas slept in a crib in our room his first 3 months, we did not co-sleep.  Although, there were a few months when he was a bit older that he spent more nights sleeping with us than in his own crib and I might consider co-sleeping with future children.  I do love baby wearing as evidenced by my collection of baby wearing devices - we have a Baby Bjorn, an Ergo, a Moby Wrap and a baby sling - but I also have a stroller and don't think the baby needs to be worn at all times.  We also sleep trained Lukas with the Ferber method (aka crying it out), so we are all for letting a baby cry sometimes.  The closest I come to Attachment Parenting is the fact that at 18 months, I am still breastfeeding Lukas every day.  So if the article is about Attachment Parenting, I probably won't agree with all of it.  But when I read the part on extended nursing, I'll probably be nodding my head right along.

Most people are surprised when they hear that I am still nursing my 18 month old toddler.  So let me tell you how we got to this point.  Because I never in a million years would have thought this would happen.

Before I was pregnant and even considering having a child, I was disturbed by breastfeeding.  I had not been breastfed, I had no friends who had babies yet and I had very little exposure to, or knowledge about, breastfeeding.  But I had some pretty strong feelings on the subject, and I have no idea where they come from.  Society, perhaps?  Regardless, I remember being repulsed (yes, repulsed) by a mom nursing her toddler without any sort of nursing cover in the middle of  a room full of people at a party at my brother's house.  And I knew in my heart that breastfeeding would NOT be for me when the time came.

Fast forward a few years.  My nephew was born and I was around a breastfeeding mom on a regular basis.  And for some reason, maybe because it was my nephew, it didn't bother me to carry on a conversation with my sister-in-law while she nursed the baby.  Looking back, this is probably when my thoughts on nursing began to shift.  If only slightly.  I still firmly believed that breastfeeding was not for me, but became more comfortable with others who made that choice.

And then I got pregnant.  And nothing changed.  I still did not have a desire to breastfeed.  But my husband had strong feelings on the topic.  He had been breastfed as a baby and always assumed his wife would nurse his children.  (I guess we never had that conversation before he proposed...)  And then I had two really good friends who gave birth while I was pregnant and they were breastfeeding.  And at some point, I begrudgingly agreed to give it a shot.  I told my husband that I would at least try, but made no promises about how long it would last.  That was good enough for him. 

So I took a breastfeeding class (if I commit to something, I like to jump in with both feet), bought a Medela double electric breast pump, nursing tanks and bras.  My mom friends gave me breast pads, lanolin, a boppy, and other things I'd never heard about that I apparently needed to succeed at breastfeeding.  And no, this natural thing is not always as easy as you might think and requires props and support.  Lots of support.

Finally Lukas was born.  And he latched on right away.  Day 1 of nursing was easy and successful.  Day 2 was a disaster highlighted by Lukas screaming the ENTIRE day.  He nursed on and off all day, but screamed in between feedings.  The nurses offered to give him a bottle of formula, but I'd read about "nipple confusion" and didn't want to start off on the wrong foot.  Day 3 we learned at the pediatrician's office that Lukas was not getting enough to eat and had lost way more than 10% of his birth weight, which is the benchmark for concern.  We were sent home with a bottle of formula and encouraged to give it to him.  So on Day 3, my baby got a bottle of formula (gasp).  On Day 4 my milk finally came in.  Hallelujah (and hello p*rn star boobs)!  And from Day 4 on, with no sign of nipple confusion from the one bottle, the little man drank nothing but breastmilk.  We were lucky because it worked for us.  Unlike my friends, I never got thrush or mastitis.  My nipples never tore off and he never bit me.  He figured our how to get the milk and I was there whenever he needed it. 

I was surprised by my feelings about breastfeeding once I was actually doing it.  I loved it.  I bonded with my baby and felt empowered that I was actually making food for him.  I was keeping my baby alive.  With milk that I made!  How amazing is that?  And nursing always comforted him.  There was not one time in the early weeks when he'd cry and not be comforted by nursing.  I felt like I was cheating because I could always stop the crying.  I always knew how to make him happy.  And I was extremely taken aback by the euphoric feelings I had about nursing.  It's hard to adequately put into words the joy that I get from nursing.  The baby was getting good nutrients and I was happy.  It was a win-win for us both. 

One of the best parts about breastfeeding is that food for your baby is always ready.  If you are with your baby, he can eat within a few seconds of showing signs of hunger.  No preparing a bottle or heating the milk.  I have nursed my son in the car, in the middle of a busy food court, on an airplane, on the beach, in a sling while a repair man was working on our house and many other places.  I always use a cover or excuse myself to another room unless I am around close family or friends. It's not that I'm ashamed of nursing my son and I'm actually comfortable nursing in public now, but don't feel the need to expose everyone around me to my boobs or baby.  Nursing may be a natural thing, but it's also a special, private bond between me and my baby that I don't want all the world to see.  (I'll probably be criticized for saying that by some pro-nursing moms, but it's honestly how I feel and what I do.  And I think it's important for people to know that not all extended nursing moms want to be all "in your face" about it.)

When my son turned 12 weeks old I went back to work full time.  At that point I was committed to nursing until he was at least 6 months old and wasn't going to let my job derail that plan.  I'm a lawyer in a large(ish) national law firm and there were women in my office who had pumped before me, so at first I just followed their lead and pumped in the handicapped bathroom in our office.  After a few offensively smelling visits, I went to HR and demanded a private, non-bathroom place to pump and thus our office's lactation room was born. (Sometimes you just have to ask for what you want.)  Three times a day (at 10am, 1pm, and 4pm) I left my office, hooked up to my pump and pumped milk for Lukas to have at daycare the next day.  I didn't love pumping, but it was a necessity in order to keep on nursing Lukas when I was home with him. And every Monday, and as often as possible, I would actually go to daycare and nurse Lukas during my lunch.  I'm lucky that our daycare has two nursing rooms, specifically for this purpose.  Being able to actually nurse him in the middle of my busy day was one of the most helpful things in transitioning back to work from maternity leave.  I also used the nursing rooms as soon as I got to daycare after work to reconnect with my boy.  For me, being able to nurse him after being away from him for 8 hours made the time I was away from him OK. It helped me still feel physically close to him.  I know nursing isn't necessary to have this bond, but for us, it certainly helped.

Lukas consumed only breastmilk until just shy of his 6 month birthday, at which point we gradually added in baby food.  The nursing continued pretty steadily until about 10 months and I was still pumping 3 times a day at work.  As his food intake increased, his milk needs decreased.  Around 10.5 months I dropped down to pumping only 2 times a day but still nursed him in the morning, after work and before bed, and as often as he liked on the weekends.  Eventually a month later I only pumped once a day at work and Lukas started drinking cows milk with his meals.  In my head I was gradually reducing the pumping in preparation to wean him at a year.

Then he turned a year old and nothing changed.  My baby didn't suddenly start speaking in full sentences and stop needing his momma.  He was still this little baby boy who was gaining independence, but always checked back in with me or looked to make sure I was nearby watching him.  He always wanted to nurse if I offered.  And I had no desire to stop.  So I made the decision to keep going "for a little bit."

That's when the comments started.  When people found out I was still nursing after a year they would roll their eyes and ask why.  Didn't he bite me, they'd ask?  What does he need milk for at this point?  So I stopped really talking about breastfeeding and only mentioned I was still nursing if someone directly asked.  I knew very few people who breastfed past a year and felt like I was in uncharted waters.  Part of me started feeling guilty because I thought that maybe it was wrong or detrimental to Lukas.   I mean, if it was a good thing, wouldn't more people be doing it?  Well, as the past six months have continued, I've had to get over all my hang ups, because I've realized that I simply am not ready to stop breastfeeding my son and neither is he.

We now typically only nurse in the morning after Lukas wakes up and before bed in the evening.  In the morning he wakes up happy and he asks for milk.  I've tried giving him milk from the refrigerator, because he does drink cows milk with all his meals, but in the morning he prefers "momma milk". At night, he does not fall asleep nursing, as he did when he was a baby. He nurses until he's done, then we rock and he gives me a kiss goodnight and he goes in his crib wide awake. He is able to fall asleep on his own without nursing, so it's not a sleep crutch. It is simply something he likes and something I enjoy as well.

And yes, he can ask for it.  So I know what some of you are thinking: "If he can ask for it, he's too old".  Well, I think that the fact that he can ask for it has nothing to do with whether or not he is "too old."  Does he need breast milk to "thrive" as he did when he was an infant?  Arguably no, he does not because nutritionally he gets his main nourishment from table food.  But who am I to say he doesn't need my milk to prosper as the bright, happy, silly boy he is?  I have no idea why he has the disposition he has, but maybe nursing has something to do with it and I'm just not ready to stop doing something he loves especially when he is, in fact, thriving.

And so at 18 months old, I have no plan of stopping any time soon.  About a month ago Lukas seemed to lose interest and we went a few nights and mornings where he would rather read a book than nurse.  I cried and told my husband that if Lukas was done, then that was OK.  So the next night I started our bedtime routine and gave him a glass of water rather than offer to nurse and wouldn't you know, he asked for milk.  And has asked just about every morning and night since then.  So the nursing continues.

I've read that the natural weaning age for humans is between 2 and 7 years old.  I can't imagine nursing a 7 year old, but I'm not going to judge anyone who does, especially since I didn't previously imagine myself nursing a toddler.   I don't think our extended breastfeeding makes me a better mother, nor do I think it makes me a bad mother.  It is simply what has worked for us.  And I'm not going to set any timeline for me and my son to stop breastfeeding, but  I will be sad when our nursing time is over, whenever that may be.

So in a way, I think I should thank the TIME magazine authors for their cover picture/story on breastfeeding, because it pushed me to write about my experience with extended nursing, which is something I've been hesitant to put out there.  But I don't think the sensationalism aspect was necessary.  I don't nurse my toddler in the middle of the day at the park (or ever standing up) and I don't feel the need to tell everyone I know (despite this blog post) that I am still nursing my son.  I hope the actual article in TIME is better than the title and the cover picture.  And I hope by sharing my "breastfeeding story" that I will help to change someone's negative view on extended nursing.  It's probably not for everyone, but it's working for me.

And even if I'd never nursed him at all, I would undoubtedly be mom enough.  And so are you.

TTT - Make a Friend

My Toddler Tip for this Tuesday is more of a mom tip than a toddler tip.  So forgive me.  But take my advice.

Find some like-minded-mom friends and get together with them often.

When you birth that sweet little baby, your life changes.  The pregnant woman and the new mom who emerges from the delivery room are two different people.  At least for me they were.  And as much as you tell yourself that you won't let having a child change you, it does.  So don't fight it.

But that also means that your friendships might change. If you're lucky, you'll have a close friend who gives birth around the same time as you, so you can talk about poop together.  But if not, make a new mom friend.  And don't be shy about it.  Don't let your insecurities get in the way of striking up a conversation at the park or at daycare drop off or in the diaper aisle at Target.  

Having a network of mom friends is a mom's saving grace.

And if you're a working mom, find some other career-driven mommas and befriend them.  You may think they don't have time to add a new friend to their already busy schedule, but odds are that if they're a working mom, then they're pretty good at the juggling act.  And while I don't know from experience, I'm guessing SAHMs find  solace in mom-friends just as much as working moms.  Middle of the day play dates anyone?

If you're lucky, you'll find some working mom girlfriends who will meet you after work for a glass of wine and help you solve the problems in "your world" while the kids are still playing at daycare.  It's open until 7pm for a reason!

Being a mom can be a hard job.  Having other women to help you through it is crucial.  They'll make you feel better about your kid being the biter of the bunch when they share that their kid throws things.  They'll give you a hard time about giving in to your toddler's demand for "momma milk" while reassuring you that you'll know when you're ready to stop nursing.  And best of all, they'll laugh with you through the journey.

So the next time you have an opportunity to make a new mom friend, get over yourself and say hello.  You just might make a life-long friend.

Toddler Tips Tuesday - Flying

Last week I shared my tips about traveling through the airport with kids.  Since then I learned of a product from Go-Go-Babyz called the gogo Kids Travelmate that is also aimed at helping parents navigate the airport with ease.  I haven't tried the Travelmate myself, but it sounds like a great idea, so check out their site!

This week's tip is about managing a flight with your toddler.  Most airlines allow your toddler to fly for free before they are two  years old.  My little man is 16 months old, so we're planning on milking this free flying for another 8 months.  But there's a catch: they sit on your lap. (Disclaimer: the safer option is probably to buy an extra seat and bring your convertible car seat on the flight for your toddler to sit in.  We've never done this and I'm not in any way qualified to tell you how best to safely fly with your kid.  The best tip I can give is to follow whatever flying advice your pediatrician offers you.  Also, some airlines claim to have reasonable "infant fares", but when I recently called Southwest Airlines to inquire about purchasing such a seat for Lukas on an upcoming flight this summer, I was told that the "infant fare" was MORE expensive than the online fare.  So, yea, that doesn't exactly help from a monetary standpoint. So if you choose to not purchase an extra seat for your bambino, hopefully my tips will help, but they should in no way stand in the way of your talking to your pediatrician about safe flying tips. And yes, if you didn't know, I am a lawyer.  Why do you ask?)

If you have met a 16 month old boy, you will recall that they are very, very busy.  So the thought of keeping Lukas contained for FIVE hours on a flight was putting me into near panic attacks for the few days leading up to our flight.  I had convinced myself that we were in for five hours of torture.  Or rather that our neighbors on the flight were in for five hours of hell.  But our flight was full and there were no upgrades available.  My first traveling tip is to upgrade to business class if at all possible - the extra room is worth the extra money in my opinion. But since an upgrade wasn't an option, all I could do was arm myself with as much toddler distractions as possible and pray that Lukas would fall asleep at some point, sooner rather than later, preferably.

Toddler plane distractions fall into two categories: food and books.  They're both crucial for a cross-county flight.

Food: I don't know about you, but my kid loves to eat.  Given the right food, we can waste a good hour eating. But when thinking about food for the flight, I was concerned about Lukas dropping his food on the ground and then the ensuing breakdown because I wouldn't give him the food from the gross airplane floor.  So I opted for GoGo Squeez Apple Sauce - it's kind of like go-gurt (which, honestly, grosses me out, but for some reason the apple sauce doesn't...) - Lukas could hold on to the packet and suck up the apple sauce.  He loves it!  And I love the fact that it's 100% fruit and has no sugar added.  So he was at least eating something healthy. The other food we brought was a not-so-healthy snack, but a favorite of toddlers worldwide: Goldfish.  Lukas loves goldfish.  And in an effort to not have them all over the airplane, I bought a Munchkin Snack Catcher, which was worth the $4.50 I spent at Target.  Lukas could hold the cup and grab fish as he wanted them.  It was a huge hit. On the flight home, we filled it with Ritz crackers, which were a good idea in theory, but are really messy and more of the crackers ended up on the floor than in his mouth.

I also brought water in a sippy cup and milk in my boobs.  If you're nursing, you already know that it helps soothe a crying baby, and that's especially true on a plane.  But I have to admit, that I still get self conscious and nervous about breastfeeding him in "public" (and by public, I mean under a nursing cover or blanket with absolutely zero boob exposure whatsoever).  You'd think I'd be over that by now, but in all honesty, I'm not.  But I did it anyway and I don't think anyone noticed.  If anything, they would've noticed the fact that I had a sleeping baby within five minutes of his hiding under his blanket. And while we're on  the topic of sleeping babies on a plane, another necessity is a small pillow (thanks Greer!).  We stuffed a small pillow in a regular pillow case and sewed a ribbon on the case so that we could tie the pillow case to my diaper bag.  The pillow helped Lukas sleep comfortably stretched out over our laps.

Books:  Buy this book if you're flying with a toddler any time soon:  First 100 Words by Bright Baby.

available on Amazon.com

Lukas spent two hours looking at the pictures in this book.  Actually, he looked at the pictures and said "what's that?" about 100 times in 2 hours.  I'm sure everyone around us was sick of hearing me say "elephant", "dump truck", "airplane", "orange" etc.  But I imagine they'd rather here us talking than him crying.  I cannot stress enough how awesome this book was for flying.  We would not have had an enjoyable flight without it.  I am sure of that.  And I have Mr. Cob to thank for the book - he picked it up at Costco the day before our flight.

Also, before you take off, make sure a diaper and wipes are easily accessible, as well as the food and books.  Take a deep breathe and don't worry.  What's the worst that could happen?  You're stuck with a screaming baby on a plane for a few hours.  Sometimes babies cry.  Sometimes babies cry on a plane.  If that happens, with any luck you'll never see the people on your flight again.  And if you get desperate, you can always buy you're neighbors a stiff drink!  But hopefully, with enough food and books, your neighbors will compliment you on your well behaved baby upon arriving at your destination.

Anyone else have any other tips for managing a flight with a toddler?  I'd love to hear what other mom and dads do to keep their little ones occupied while flying the friendly skies!

A Year Later

Today marks the 365th day that I've been back at work since my maternity leave ended.  In many ways it is hard to believe a full year has passed.  In others, it feels like yesterday that I cried my way to work that first day back.  If I had my shit together enough, I'd do a comparison of Lukas then versus Lukas now.  But the reality is, I haven't cracked open his baby book in months and he's changed in more ways than I could count.  So instead, lets talk about me.

Here are the things that I would never have thought would be true about myself a year ago, but are in fact true:

1.  I'm still breastfeeding Lukas.  I tend to not make this fact known and avoid the topic if it comes up, or just fail to mention it.  But I think I'm doing a disservice to other moms who are currently, or who are thinking about, nursing past the year mark.  I really thought a year would be it.  But then November 8th came and went, and nothing changed.  I still wanted to continue and Lukas showed no signs of disinterest, so we continued.  And to be honest, I don't have any plan about how long I'll keep nursing him.  I've read a lot of research on nursing toddlers, mainly in an effort to arm myself against people who think its wrong, and I could give you the information I've learned, but I've come to the realization that I don't need to defend my decision.  It's my decision.  He's my son and it's working for us.   And I'm not going to change what I'm doing based on other people's opinions.  And for any moms out there with questions, I'm happy to talk more about it and think maybe it would help remove the stigma if more moms talked about it.  From my own experience, I can say that I think the continued nursing has helped keep Lukas healthier - he's only had one "sick" visit to the pediatrician since he was born (almost 15 months now) and has somehow avoided almost all of the bugs that have hit his friends at daycare.   And if his social development has been delayed because of my nursing him this long, then I don't really want to know what his non-delayed social development would be.  He can be soothed in other ways than nursing, he can put himself to sleep without nursing, and he doesn't lift up my shirt in public demanding the boob.  He doesn't take a pacifier or drink from a bottle.  So far, I've seen zero negative effects from the "prolonged" nursing.  And, apparently I'm more passionate about this than I even realized.

2.  I like being a working mom.  I don't particularly like the days when I get home after 7pm and only have 10 minutes with my little man, such as tonight.  But most days are not like today.  He is learning so much at baby school and he has fun with his little friends.  Tonight, when Mr. Cob picked him up, Lukas saw Mr. Cob, smiled and then ran away from him and kept playing with his friends.  He's happy.  What more could I want?  And for me, well, I really like having my cup of coffee in quiet.  I enjoy the adult conversation I have on a daily basis with my co-workers.  I like the challenging work and client interaction.  I like getting dressed up in heels every day.  I like that I worked hard for my degrees and am using them.  (Lord knows I am still paying for them, so there's that too.)  Also, one thing I have learned about myself is that I am much more efficient and productive when I have a full plate.  And for me, I'm more present in whatever it is I'm doing, whether it be acting as "mom" or as "lawyer" or as "wife" or as "friend".  I think being a working mom has helped me prioritize my life and approach it differently.

3.  I don't envy stay at home moms -  When I was on maternity leave, I did.  I was jealous of moms who were able to stay home with their babies.  But now, I see how hard it is to be a SAHM.  You are expected to have a full time job (raising the children), while also keeping the house spotless, pack lunches, cook dinners, balance the checkbook, exercise, do all the laundry, etc. etc.  And the reality is, when I'm home on the weekends with Lukas, he requires ALL of my, or Mr. Cob's, attention.  There's little time to get anything else done unless he's napping.  And quite frankly, when he's napping I really just want to sit my tired butt on the couch and do nothing.  Since I'm not a SAHM, I feel like people are more forgiving about the house not always being clean, or the laundry not being folded.  But it seems that SAHMs are expected to do it all and are judged if they're not.  On the flip side, I do realize I miss out on some of those "moments" with the my little guy.  But for me, for now, I don't want to trade in my briefcase for the SAHM gig.

4.  The stretch marks don't bother me.  I have stretch marks from my massive weight gain while pregnant.  I didn't really notice them as they were happening (denial, perhaps?), but they're on my hips, legs and booty.  I consider myself a somewhat vain person, but honestly, they don't both me at all.  When I see them I smile because they make me remember being pregnant with Lukas.  It's amazing what the female body can do and so what if I have a few reminders from growing a new person.  I wasn't a model before the baby and I'm not a model now.  A few stretch marks aren't anything to cry about, or obsess over.  Now, I'm pretty sure I'll cry when my boobs deflate post-nursing, so I'm not totally over the vain-thing.

5.  I have found my passion.  I was meant to be a mother.  I didn't know this until I had Lukas.  In fact, before he was born I worried I would be a horrible mother.  I didn't think I'd know how.  I'd made enough dumb choices on my own over the years and was convinced I'd screw him up immediately, if not sooner.  I also had a lot of inward discontentment because I felt as though I hadn't yet found that "thing" in life that I was meant to do.  (No, no, lawyering never gave me that feeling.)  But since having Lukas, I've realized that I am passionate about being a mother.  There is nothing in my life that I have felt so comfortable doing or felt so happy doing.  And since becoming a mother, all the other areas of my life have improved, and I have grown as a person.  I am happy with the woman I have become.  And I truly do feel joy every day.  I attribute most of that to becoming a mom.  It's the best thing in the world.  At least for me.

Lukas' First Birthday Letter

Today is my baby boy's FIRST BIRTHDAY!  I can't believe it.  Here he is a year ago - the day he was born:

 And here he is today:

(and one family photo from this past weekend)...

This year has gone by so fast and so slow at the same time.  I've cried more in the past two days than I anticipated - I'm very emotional about my little baby growing up.  It's true what they say, it goes so fast!

And in what I hope to make a yearly tradition to Lukas and all my future kiddos, here is my birthday letter to my son on his first birthday:

My dearest Lukas,

Today you turned one year old!  I can hardly believe that a year has passed since I first laid eyes on you.  At 2:50pm on Monday, November 8, 2010 you, my sweet son, entered this world.  And you stole my heart that very same minute.  The instant love and joy that I felt upon meeting you was the happiest moment of my life.  And without a doubt, the past year has been the happiest of my life.

I remember being so nervous riding in the car home from the hospital with you.  Daddy was driving and I was sitting in the backseat staring at you the entire ride.  We got you home and I was so happy and so scared at the same time.  You were just this tiny little guy, but you were our guy and we loved you more than we imagined possible.  Grandma Kae and Grandpa Paul were home waiting for us to arrive and they stayed a week helping us learn how to become parents.  Grandma Sip Sip and Grandpa Up lived only 35 minutes away, so they came by often in those first weeks to help mommy and daddy care for you.

You nursed from day one and are still nursing today, 365 days later.   In the first month or two, you ate ever 2-3 hours and we spent most of our days sitting on the couch while you nursed.  I credit nursing as a huge factor in our bonding.  You loved skin-to-skin contact and sleeping on mommy or daddy's chest.  As you've grown over the past year, you slowly dropped the amount of milk you needed, but you still enjoy nursing and it is the one thing that can soothe you immediately if you're ever upset.  You sleep in your own room all night long and then when you wake up in the morning, daddy goes downstairs to get you and brings you to our room and we begin every morning laying in mommy and daddy's bed cuddling and nursing.  We end every day rocking in the glider as you drowsily nurse to sleep.  It gives me so much joy to share this special time with you buddy.  I'll be sad when the day comes that you decide to wean.  But I have precious memories, especially from the middle of the night when the whole rest of the house is silent and its just you and me.  It makes me smile just thinking about our bonding time.

You have been a happy baby from the get-go.  You rarely cried as a little infant and your smile and dimples are infectious!  Everyone we meet comments on how smiley and happy you are.  We picked your name, Lukas, because it means "brings light" and you have lived up to that name and then some.  You bring so much light to everyone's life, especially mommy and daddy's life.  Your eight teeth shine through when you smile these days and your laugh is so sweet.  You laugh with your whole body and without embarrassment.  You love music and begin dancing, or shaking your head or pumping your arms in the air whenever you hear music being played.  Some of your favorites right now are "Little Puppy", Mumford & Sons (thanks to daddy), "When Ducks Wake up in the Morning" and Renee & Jeremy for nighttime.  I sing to you every night before bed - usually the Night Mantra: I will be your home, I will be your guide, I will be your friend, always on your side.  Sleep now in your room, quiet of the night, surrounded by the moon, until you see the light.  I sing this over and over again and you seem to relax when you hear it, even despite mommy's bad singing voice.  You just light up when a song comes on the radio and if you're upset in the car, all I have to do is play your favorite Primrose Music class CD and you start clapping your hands and kicking the seat.  I keep joking that you're going to be a professional dancer when you grow up!

You discovered your voice a few months ago and you love hearing yourself talk!  You are always babbling about something.  Right now you can say: Dada, Momma, Dog, Cat, Duck, Look/Book and your favorite "UP" as you raise your hands in the air, or stand up.  You know that a dog barks and can mimic his sound.  Grandpa Paul taught you that cats hiss, so you hiss when I ask you what a cat says.  You LOVE your puppy Wrigley and you're growing to really like your kitty Bailey.  Surprisingly, she seems to like you, even though she doesn't like most people.  You know where your nose is and can point to other people's noses, you know where your hair is and we're learning about our ears.  You love fans and get very excited whenever you see one and start hooting like an owl!  You clap your hands and if you hear the word "clap" in a song you start clapping your hands.  You're a smart little guy!  You started walking around 10 months old and are now running around - momma's having a hard time keeping up with you!  You like to climb up the stairs and we're working on teaching you to go down the stairs backwards with our "knees please!"  You're getting the hang of it.  You have NO fear and like to climb on the couch and have taught yourself how to get down from the couch.  You love the water and ran straight for the ocean and the big waves a few weeks ago at your first big beach vacation.  You love being tossed high in the air and laugh loudly when daddy plays with you.  You have a great appetite and eat just about anything you're offered.  Your favorite foods are macaroni & cheese (you eat it and loudly say "Mmmmm"), yogurt, sweet potatoes and cheerios. You eat often, but you're so busy that you are a skinny little thing!

It is a true joy being your momma.  I love you more than I ever knew was possible and I love watching you grow and learn every day.  Thank you for the happiness that you have brought to our lives.

I love you sweet boy.  Happy First Birthday, buddy!

Love, 

Momma

Side Effects of Daycare

When people find out you're pregnant, after the initial questions: When are you due? How have you been feeling?  Are you finding out the sex?  Have you picked a name? I found that many people asked me if I was planning on returning to work.  After my response was yes, the next question that came was one I came to detest: What are you doing about childcare?  Or if they were more direct, the question was framed more like: So, you're getting a nanny, right?  Well as anyone who has read my blog before knows, no, I did not get a nanny.  When he was exactly 14 weeks old, Lukas started daycare.  As it would turn out, people are quite opinionated about daycare.  Especially older generations, as I've found they just don't seem to think kids should be sent to daycare.

I was a little nervous at first about daycare myself, especially since my childhood revolved around my mom  who stayed home with me and my brother.  Taking care of us was her career.  She was passionate about it and she's an amazing caregiver.  The closest I ever came to daycare was attending the after school program in elementary school for an hour or two until my older brother finished with school.

But for my child, I made the difficult decision to return to work as an attorney and "send him to daycare".  Gasp, I was going to have other women raising my child.  I know what some people think of this decision.   They are entitled to it.  But I am happy with my decision and my experience with daycare has had many pleasant surprises that I was not expecting.

(I should point out that Lukas is attending a new, in-town daycare/school and we pay a pretty penny for this care.  The cost rivals that of college tuition.  In fact, annually it costs more than what I paid for my law school tuition each year.  I realize that this fact alone sets my experience with daycare apart from many people who send their kids to "daycare".  Primrose is more of a "private school for babies", but in the end, Lukas is getting cared for during the day, so it's still "daycare".)

The first thing that I wasn't expecting from daycare was for the "strangers" who are taking care of him every day to become an extended part of our family.  His teachers and the administrators at Primrose spend more time with my son than most of my family.  They may not have the same kind of love for him that my family does, but they love him.  And we love them.  One of his two original teachers left a few months ago to start another job that allowed her more time with her young children, and I've missed her and was genuinely sad to see her go.  But we've stayed in touch (thanks to facebook) and have had one play date and another planned this weekend.  Another one of his teachers is leaving this Friday and she will be just as missed.  These women are such a huge part of my life and Lukas' life.  They are not strangers by any definition of the word.  They are amazing, patient and loving caregivers who I feel 100% confidence in caring for my son.

When I first went back to work, I felt like I was a horrible mother.  How could I possibly choose to return to work over staying at home devoting all of my time to raising my son?  There was a lot of doubt and we won't even talk about the guilt.  But over the past 8 months I've realized that I am a better mother because I work outside of the home.  I am fully present with Lukas when I am with him.  I devote all of my attention to him and whatever game we're playing, book we're reading or song we're singing.  I don't take the time I do spend with him for granted, and I think I would if I were not working.  I believe I would see taking care of him as another chore, another thing to do.  Instead, I really engage with him and cherish the time I am home with him in the mornings, evenings and weekends.  And they do more with him at baby school than I would at home - painting and drawing, reading lots of books, singing, dancing, learning sign language and gaining social skills by interacting daily with the other babies. I think he's getting the best of me as a mom and the best from daycare.  The combination is proving to work and so far he's an extremely happy baby, which is really all I could hope for at this point.

The last thing I wasn't expecting from daycare was making new friends.  I have had the joy and privilege of meeting some hilarious women in the other moms in Lukas' class.  It's nice to have other mothers who understand the frustrations of nursing and the questions about continuing to work.  These ladies know what I'm going through at any given time, be it juggling being a mom, working and being a wife; dealing with horrible diaper rash; projectile vomiting; not sleeping.  You name it, if it is baby related, they've likely experienced it.  I find that at the end of each work day I don't just look forward to picking up Lukas, I also have the added bonus of seeing friends.  The "boys club" as our boys have been dubbed, will all be together in the same class for at least another 6 months and I'm so glad because that means the moms will all get to be together for that long too.  It's not easy making new girlfriends, so I consider myself lucky to have met these women and be able to call them friends.

So the next time I'm pregnant and someone asks what I'm doing about childcare, I'm going to happily tell them that my baby will be going to daycare baby school at Primrose.

Me, Me, Me

Enough about the little dude for a minute.  Let's talk about me.  (Egocentric? Yes.  It happens.)

So what have I been up to?  (I'm assuming you've been wondering this. No?  Ok, well, whatever.  Just go with it.  Or stop reading.  Either way.) 

I'd say that right now I'm still identifying most with the title of "mom".  I feel like I'm finally comfortable in this roll and actually good at it.  I like taking care of Lukas, I like every aspect of being a mom so far.  Even the dirty diapers, laundry and other mundane tasks.  Mothering is definitely one of the things I was meant to do in this life.  I'd be lying if I said I don't get frustrated, mainly when I'm in the middle of trying to soothe a teething boy or cleaning the poop out of the tub, but even those are things that I find joy in.  Because they're all for this little guy.  And he's just so cute and in this great stage of learning and changing so much right now.

But I said we weren't here to talk about him.

I'm still working full time.  I'm now in my 5th year as a lawyer, at the same firm I started with out of law school.  Most days I love my job.  The people are what make it great.  My boss is understanding and respectful of the fact that I have a family, and because of that, I have a more positive outlook towards work and don't mind working in the evenings and weekends, if need be.  I leave work at 5 on the dot most days, which gives me a few hours with Lukas in the evenings.  But it's hard to juggle work and home life, especially when I'm busy.  I've been getting in the office around 8 every day, working until 5 and then about every other day I end up working a few hours at night after Lukas goes to bed.  This leaves little time for housework, leisurely activities, friends and even Mr. Cob.  Time management and trying to do everything I want to do is the hardest part of being a working mom.  I usually feel like I'm neglecting someone or something in my life.  Often, that someone is myself.  I'm having a hard time fitting in exercise time, which is something that I enjoy doing and something that makes me feel good about myself.  And if I do find time to exercise, that's time that I'm not able to spend with Mr. Cob.  And time with him, especially alone, is hard to come by these days.  I still don't know how some women do it all, and make it look easy.  Because it's not.  But I'm trying to figure it out as we go and not beat myself up in the process.

While I can't find too much time to exercise, I have managed to lose ALL of the baby weight.  As in all SIXTY FIVE plus pounds of it.  And then some.  (But let's not mention the fact that I've lost a ton of muscle tone too...).  I was doing Weight Watchers, and am still signed up for it, but have been bad about keeping track of my points the past two weeks.  WW definitely helps you realize what you are eating and change your habits as needed.  But the other reason I swear I've been able to get rid of this weight is because I'm still nursing.  I really believe it's helped me get the weight off.  I'm almost at the 11 month mark of breastfeeding and plan on continuing until Lukas is one and then cutting back or stopping altogether.  I've heard that your body drops another 5ish pounds once you stop nursing, so that'll be a nice plus at the end.  I would like to tone up and get some muscle definition back, as well as work out a few times a week.  Now with the cooler weather coming in, I can take Lukas out in the jogging stroller and hopefully get back in to running.  And it really does feel great to fit back in my clothes again.  It may have taken 9-10 months to drop the weight, but that's how long it took me to gain the baby weight and I'm not a crazy celebrity non-eating woman, so I'll take the 9-10 month time frame.  And the best part, I not only have my old, thinner body back, but I now have boobs to go with it.  Maybe I'll never stop nursing...Just kidding.  Maybe.

Well that's enough about me for now.  I'm sure I'll write about the little guy again soon.  I just can't help myself.  I'm obsessed.

Back in Balance

Luckily my woe-is-me moment of last week was fleeting and I snapped back into seeing life with rosy glasses rather quickly.  I'm blaming my slip into the blahs on the hormones.  Yup, I'm still blaming the hormones.  (I'm still breastfeeding, so the hormones that went insane while I was pregnant have yet to restablize.  My new plan is to continue nursing until I get pregnant again so that I can continue blaming the hormones for any of my strange behavior for the next few years.  I'm only half kidding...)

How can I not have a smile on my face with this silly dude in my life????

I was also reminded this weekend how great of friends and family I have.  Friday night after work I spent a few hours with my parents, grandma and Lukas.  I love that they are close and I really love that my grandma is staying in Georgia for the foreseeable future (I haven't told y'all this have I?  Hum, Ok, well tack that on to the blog posts I need to write. Here's the would-be-title: "Grandma J is not going back, back to Cali, Cali!" (which is really a factually wrong title since she never lived in Cali, but you'll overlook that in the interest of a catchy blog title, right? Thanks.)).  I also had a long talk with my brother this weekend and while he did move back, back to Cali, Cali (am I annoying you yet?), I'm glad we've stayed close, though I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish on a daily basis that he and Stuie lived around the corner.  Maybe one day.  Maybe I'll move back, back to Cali, Cali (yup, I've now annoyed myself.  I'll stop now, I promise.  And no, we have no current intention of moving across the country.)  I love my family. 

And my friends rock too.  We caught up with a handful of friends this weekend and it was good for my soul.  Everyone left our house after a cookout yesterday and I turned to Mr. Cob and said "We have some really good people here."  And he agreed.  I love my people.  Thanks to all of you who are my people.  You mean a lot to me!

Little Dude Update

Lukas turned 8 months old last week.  (At what point do we stop getting excited about him turning another month older?  Oh, you've already lost excitement, you say?  Well he's not your kid, so yea, I can see that.  But it's a big deal to me as his momma.  But I see the silliness of it all.  You'd look at me as if I were an alien if I said that I turned 362 months old last week.  But I digress.)

So what's the little dude up to at 8 months?  Here are some (mostly) unconventional notes for the baby book.

- He did his first pull up yesterday.  Yes, you read that right.  He was in his crib at school, reached up to top of the crib and PULLED UP so that his feet were dangling and he was pulled up.  We do indeed have a climber on our hands.  A mini Hulk, if you will.  I'm now taking bets on how much longer before he climbs right on out of his crib.  I think 10 months will be the magic age.  Pray that I'm wrong.

- He has SIX teeth.  I think he gets this from my side.  I was an early teether.  He has two bottom teeth and four upper teeth.  They're big honkers.  Yes, I refer to them as "honkers" on a regular basis.  I can't explain it. 

- He's for real crawling.  I know, I know I proclaimed a while ago that he was "for real" crawling, and he was, or so I thought.  His belly was still sort of on the ground until a week ago.  He now is on all fours crawling.  Or actually, he's on all threes with one of his feet on the ground. It's odd.  I admit.  But it works and he's fast.  You really cannot take your eyes off him, or he'll be gone.

- He's been on a sort of bottle strike lately and not drinking his entire bottle at school.  He's averaging 3 four ounce bottles again (he was at 6 ounces in each bottle).  I suppose this is because he's eating more and more.  And we bumped him up to the stage 3/chunky baby food.  He's now even eaten chicken (baby food chicken bytheway: gross, gag, yuck) and more fruits and veggies than I can keep track of.  He loves yo-baby yogurt and cheerios.  And we're still happily nursing, so my year long goal is looking attainable for now.  And yes, he has bitten me with those teeth.  It hurts.  Enough said.

- He's still a generally really happy baby but will certainly let you know if he's upset or wants something.  The kid has a great set of lungs.

- We're in the middle of sleep training, and it's going pretty good.  The first night he cried for 47 minutes, then 40, then 20 and then Sunday night he decided to throw a big protest party.  I sat on the screen porch, beer in hand, watching him scream on the monitor for over an hour.  64 minutes to be exact.  It's like he was testing me.  But I didn't give in.  He eventually wore himself out and fell asleep and didn't wake up until 6am Monday morning when he was all smiles.  (Yes, a huge part of me feared that he would hate me, but he didn't. Thank God.)  And you know what happened next?  Monday night he cried for a minute, Tuesday night he cried for 2 minutes and last night he cried on and off, but not very enthusiastically for 20 minutes before he was out for the next 11 hours.  So while I totally resisted this, I'm happy that my little guy is learning to soothe himself to sleep and that we're all getting some shut eye.  The key for anyone trying the "your baby won't hate you" sleep method ("cry it out" sounds so bad, I like my name much better) is to have the video monitor near you but turn the sound completely off and go somewhere in your house where you can't hear the baby.  It's the only reason we made it through.  Beer helps too.  And wine.

- The little dude is happy at day care, loves his teachers and friends and even waves to me and blows kisses when we leave.  Ain't he cute?!