What the "Experts" Fail to Talk About

So thanks to the folks who have filled out my little survey!  So far, the lead contender for an increase in air time is Being a Working Mom.  It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts on this very hot button issue, so let's check in for an update.

If you read the news (and I consider Huffington Post and CNN to be the news), then you know the whole work-life-balance/working mom/can women have it all topic has been HOT HOT HOT lately.  From Marissa Mayer to Anne-Marie Slaughter and most recently Sheryl Sandberg's new book, the issue is all over the place.  And critics are hitting it from every angle.  Except for one.  People don't seem to talk about the emotinal side of being a working mom.

It's one thing to tell women to "Lean In" at work and take on more duties.  Or to let go of the mom-guilt and stop trying to be perfect in your appearance, house and child-rearing.  And to not set yourself up to fail by say jumping off the partner track before you even have a child.  These are all easy to say in a vacuum, but in reality, they are hard things to do.  And they are impossible to do without experiencing the feelings that go along with doing these things.

One article I read today highlighted a mother who said she didn't mind missing her daughter's 4th birthday because we all turn 4 and it's just another birthday.  The author applauded this mom for taking her career seriously and not letting mom-guilt eat her up for missing her daughter's birthday.  I say bravo to that woman, but that's not for all women.  That is not me.  Nor do I ever strive for that to be me.  I never want to be OK with missing my child's birthday.  No matter the cost.  There is no work accomplishment that I can think of that would make missing my kid's birthday OK.  And if I did have to miss the birthday, you can be damn sure I'd be torn up about it and have a hard time holding back tears when someone asks how it feels to be missing a milestone. 

I don't judge this woman for being OK with missing this event in her daughter's life.  To each her own.  But what I do find offensive is the insinuation that to be a successful working mom/career woman, you have to give up on the "mom" part a little.  You have to be OK with being a little less in your mom world.  And I am not OK with that.

I don't know if women can have it all.  I don't know if I want it all.  I do know I don't want it all if it means I'm not there for all the crucial aspects of my kids' lives.  And the hard part, when you're the mom, and especially when your kids are young, is that it all feels crucial.  It is hard to miss any of it.

Some days my son still cries and clings to my leg when I drop him off at daycare.  He is 2 years and 4 months old.  The last 7 days in a row he has begged me or my husband not to leave him.  These mornings are heartbreaking.  And we are leaving him somewhere that we love, with people who have become family to us.  But he is not with his mom or his dad.  For 9 hours a day, 5 days a week he is not with one of his parents.  That is more than a 3rd of his day spent apart from us.  And he is only 2 years old.  It breaks my heart when I really think about it.

I tell myself many things to get through the hours of 8-5 when we're apart.  I tell myself that he is thriving at school.  That he is such a cheerful boy and his social skills are stellar.  I tell myself that his teachers do more with him at school than I would do at home - they draw, they paint, they sing songs.  I tell myself that he is happy and what more could I possibly want or hope for him.  I tell myself these things daily.  But I'm not sure I believe them.  Yet I keep telling myself them.  I will them to be true.  Perhaps they are.  But I have doubts and I have guilt and I have a deep fear that I'll regret the decisions I'm making today in the future.  I worry I'll feel as though I missed his childhood.  That I wasn't there enough.

And while this isn't one of those posts to boost other working mom's up and convince you that you too can do it, it is an honest post.  It is a struggle for me to be a full-time working mom.  Some days are very hard.  I miss my son when I am at work.  I have no less than ten pictures of him up in my office so I can look at his smiling face while I'm away.  I watch videos of him on my iphone while I'm eating my lunch.  I race to daycare at 5pm eager to see him, as picking him up is the best part of my day.

While the world keeps debating the "having it all" question, I hope people start talking about the feelings of it a little more.  Because I think it's important for us working moms to admit that sometimes we aren't tough like men and we do feel very strong emotions about being away from our children all day.  And I'm not ready to simply push those feelings aside in order to just lean in.  I'm pretty sure I couldn't even if I tried.  And for me, I don't want to try.

Words are Powerful

In college a "friend" once called me a "thunder-thighed lipstick lesbian" in a very mean email.  There was also an attachment to a picture of a purple ram-headed d*ldo (I still have no idea what the picture was supposed to stand for or mean.)  This was ten years ago.  You'd think I would have forgotten it by now, but the fact is I haven't.

 

If you knew me in college, you know that I was the farthest thing from a lesbian.  (Well, as long as we're not counting that one time.)  I was a bit boy crazy.  And I had a tendency to drink too much and hit on whatever boy happened to be standing next to me.  A lesbian I was not.  That part of the email I thought was just silly.  If anything I took it as a compliment because the "lipstick" part implied that I was pretty.

 

But the words before that hurt.  She called me thunder-thighed.  If you google the term it is defined as "A pejorative term for a person with large thighs, alluding to the sound of thighs hitting against each other."  Or "THUNDER THIGHS" are a fat girls thighs that are so humongous, big & fat that they clap together when they walk. This produces a loud noise which goes like "SLAP, SLAP, SLAP" , hence the "thunder" part of the word."

 

I maybe weighed 125 pounds in college.  I was a size 4.  I was a swimmer growing up and had an athletic build.  But I did not have huge legs.   True, I weighed more than the waif-thin girl who said these ugly words to me.  And I wish I could've let her comment role off my chest, but the truth is that ever since she said the words I've been very self-conscious of my legs.  Part of me thought she was right.  I don't like to wear too short of skirts because I think my thighs are big.  And I hate my knees.  The intention of this girl in saying these words to me was to hurt me.  And she did.  And now it's time to let it go.

 

I think it's funny that this girl has tried to friend me on facebook multiple times over the past few years. I always decline the request.  Perhaps she doesn't even recall saying these words to me.  But that's the thing about words.  Once you say them, you can't take them back.  They're out there.  And you may not think the words you say will have an impact on another person.  But they very well may.  So be careful with your words.  As my mom always told me growing up, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

 

But the wonderful thing about words is that they can be used to uplift us as well.  If you do have something nice to say, SAY IT.  A kind word or words of encouragement can strengthen someone who is struggling.  Your words can boost the confidence of someone who is doubting themselves.  They can put a smile on someone's face.  And you just never know when your words might impact someone so greatly that your words stay with them for years. 

 

Be careful with your words, but also be generous with the kind ones.

Keep the Old

"Make new friends, but keep the o-l-d; one is silver and the other gold."

Who knew that song from my childhood would ring so true for me in my adult life?

I'm not the best at keeping in touch.  Some might say I despise talking on the phone.  I'd much rather meet in person and see the person I'm talking to.  The phone can be so, impersonal.  My husband would say that I have this weird phobia of talking on the phone.  But that's mainly just with people I don't know.  Still, I'm not much of a phone person.  I love to write and so I stay in touch with some far away friends via email.  But some friends aren't big on the email front.  So weeks can quickly turn into months and sometimes years before we connect.  And life gets in the way.  Pesky life.

Luckily, true friendships aren't sustained by the amount of times you talk on the phone.  Or even by the frequency with which you see each other or the knowledge you have of one another's current life.  True friendships run deep and truly are golden.

The past weekend, after a three and a half year hiatus, I was reunited with one of my best friends from college, Erin.  In the 9 years since graduation and her moving back to Texas we have seen each other less than a handful of times.  Once for a quick 2 hours of cocktails while she was in town for a photography shoot.  The second almost five years ago for her wedding.  And three and a half years ago for my own nuptials.  In between these visits I've gone to law school and become a lawyer and she has changed career paths completely from photography to education and we both have had babies - a little girl for her who is already one and my little man who is almost 19 months old.  A lot has changed in 9 years. 

I have changed in 9 years.  If I were to meet my 22 year old self today, I'm pretty sure I'd hate her.  At the very least I wouldn't want to be her friend.  She was a very different person than the woman I am today.  And so flying in to Texas last Thursday night I was a little nervous about whether my 31 year old self and Erin's 31 year old self would have anything in common.  Would our friendship sustain?  Or were we both two completely different people without a shared thread?

I quickly realized that we were both changed from the last time we'd seen each other.  For one, we were both mothers and that changes a person to her core, no matter how hard you protest.  It's an organic change but an awesome one as well.  We were both more mature and different in many ways, yet even though a lot of time had passed, after a few awkward minutes, we picked back up as if we'd just shared a glass of wine the night before.

Over the weekend we caught up on each other's lives.  We learned about who each is today.  We got a peek into one another's marriage.  We held each other's child and watched over them as if they were our own.  We laughed.  We drank wine.  We made new memories.

I know that we won't suddenly start talking on the phone on a regular basis.  And we probably won't see one another again for a few years.  But I wouldn't trade her friendship for the world, for it really is gold.

A Reminder...

I'm not sure I have the words to adequately express what I want to say, but I'm going to try my best.

This morning was the CURE Childhood Cancer's Lauren's 5k/2k run and picnic.  Our friends Emily and  Chris organized a team to fund-raise and run in memory of their son Marco who died from a rare form of brain cancer this past Fall.  Marco was only 9 months old.  His time here was far, far too short.  Team Marco raised over $10,000 for childhood cancer research and the morning was a wonderful way to honor Marco's life and support his parents.  Emily and Chris hope to make it an annual event.  We'll be there every year that we can.  I sincerely thank all those who donated to my fundraising efforts.

On the 30 minute car ride to the event I said to Mr. Cob that I was glad we were doing the run.  He said he agreed.  And then we both started tearing up remembering why we were running.  Then I started crying again as we drove up to the parking lot.  People were wearing tee shirts encouraging a little boy or girl to fight through his or her cancer.  Others had on shirts "in memory" of another child, and again I was reminded of why we were there.  We were running because our friends' baby boy had died of cancer.  I could only imagine how Emily was holding up.  My heart was heavy especially for her this morning.  Since September she's been a mom without a baby.  There are no words to make that fact better.

I ran the 5K alone this morning - Mr. Cob stayed at the finish with Lukas and Emily and some other friends.  We were running late so I barely made the starting line in time and wasn't able to meet up with Chris and the others from Team Marco who were also running the 5K.  So I put my headphones on and started the race.    And then as I was running, I began crying again.  The race course was lined with signs and pictures of children, both alive and fighting, or others who were no longer here with us.  The signs had words from loved ones telling their babies to fight and how proud they are of them.  Or others remembering a 20 month old girls beautiful smile.  A man in front of me had a shirt on that read "Growing up is hard enough without cancer."  It all was very powerful.

I'm not sure if it would have had the same effect on me if I didn't have a child of my own.  Or one who was only 3 weeks older than Marco.  But the first thing I did when I finished the race was hug my little guy.  And thank God that he is here with me and he is healthy.

Then I got angry.  Angry at all the mommyblogs out there who write about how difficult their days are raising their kids.  The Huffington Post made one blog Mommastery go viral with the author's post, Don't Carpe Diem, about how she doesn't like people telling her to enjoy these moments with her kids.  And one of the top 25 Mommy Blogs out there, Motherhood, WTF regularly posts about how her son is driving her crazy.  I know these blogs are meant to be cathartic for the writers, and to make other moms know that they're not alone.  And I get that.  This mom thing can be really hard.  But this morning I was just thinking about how Emily and Chris would LOVE to have a difficult 5 year old boy to fight with every day.  And I wondered where the love went from these moms.  Are their posts overly exaggerated for effect?  Or do they really not enjoy most days with their kids?  I don't know exactly what I'm trying to get at.  I guess I just feel like people take their lives for granted.  We take our loved ones for granted.  But the only certainty in life is death.  We just don't know when.

So rather than complaining about our kids and finding their faults, I wish all moms could step back for a second and remember that our kids are a miracle.  Remember that feeling you had the very first time you laid eyes on your child.  Hug them.  Laugh with them.  Play in the dirt and ruin your clothes with them.  Love them.  Always and wholeheartedly love them.  Because they're not guaranteed to be here forever.

A parent should never have to bury their child.  But sometimes that is God's plan.  And if your baby were to leave this Earth tomorrow wouldn't you want to know that you spent most of your days with them showering them with love? 

I know I'm not perfect and don't always find love in the mundane tasks of motherhood.  But this morning was a wake up call for me.  I am lucky to have a healthy child.  Hopefully I'll have many years on this Earth with him, but in case I don't, I plan on making the most out of each day I do get with him.  Life is a gift and being a mom is the best thing in the world.  Hug your babies tight and give them extra kisses tonight and every night.  You just don't ever know when that kiss will be the last one you give.

I Do Struggle

Ok.  I'm ready to talk about it.

I've been hiding behind pictures of my insanely cute little guy for a week or so now.  The truth is that I've been having a rough time the past few weeks with the whole working mom gig.  So much so that I had a mental breakdown last week and found myself in a puddle of tears at the kitchen table.  I feel like I am failing at everything.  My son doesn't get enough of my time.  He says a new word every hour it seems and I'm missing it.  The teachers at daycare are there hearing him speak.  Not me.  Not his mom.  I'm worried I am going to look back on this time years from now and regret choosing to work rather than stay home and raise my son.  (Here I go again with the mom guilt.  I know.  I need to let it go, but I can't.  That's been the struggle.)  Why did I decide to have a child if I'm not the one with him 24/7? The guilt is slowly choking me to death.  I hate the mom guilt.  But I fear its real and the constant nagging feeling in my stomach is finally taking over.  I think I've made the wrong decision.

I've also been in a lawyer rut. That statement alone starts to go against my "don't blog about work policy", so I'll stop with saying this: I just don't love the law some days.  But there's that whole 12 years of schooling plus 4 years of college and then additional 3 years of law school.  And the diplomas sit on my wall staring at me.  And the student loans haunt my nightmares.  Should I really just throw away my career, my education and stick my husband with all MY student loan debt so I can stay home with Lukas and "raise" him, which let's be honest, I might hate. 

Then two weeks ago it finally hit me over the head.  It is time to quit.  It is time to sell my briefcase and pencil skirts and trade them in for jeans and an apron.  I was done.

I quickly looked at the numbers and realized that financially we could survive on Mr. Cob's income alone.  And by survive, I mean have about $750 every month for food, gas, diapers, haircuts, toiletries, the dog and cat and any additional "life" costs that arise.  Fine, whatever.  We can do it.  A lot of people make it work on a lot less. I can give up shopping completely.  I can give up going out to lunch or dinner with friends.  I don't need to drink coffee or get bikini waxes.  All that matters is that I am home with Lukas.  Mommy will be raising him and all will be right in the world.  All he needs is me and all I need is him.

So I took my budget in hand as ammo and told Mr. Cob, I need to quit my job.  Now.

I probably should've approached him with more of a plan, or more sobbing.  Let's just say I surprised him and his initial response was not "ok love, whatever you need".  And at that moment, I knew what I needed without a question or doubt in my mind.  I'm a mother who needs to be with her child.  At any cost.

Or so I thought.

Mr. Cob and I agreed that we'd need to try out this new budget for a while and see how it works in reality.

And then I let it all sink in and started imagining this "new life." 

This new life would have Mr. Cob as the sole breadwinner and his career would take the spotlight.  Right now, we share the spotlight.  We make career choices together, but if I stop working, then I started to worry that I'd lose a bargaining chip.  Hum, I realized I'm not sure I'm prepared for that.  My dad's job took us all across the country when I was growing up.  I know my mom wasn't happy about some of the moves over the years and I don't want that to be me.  I don't want to be stuck following my husband wherever his job my lead us.  And I'm not implying that Mr. Cob wouldn't consult with me or that we wouldn't make future decisions together.  It's just that if my job is still in play, then I'm assured a spot at the table.

Then we met some friends out for dinner.  And then we talked about how that'd have to stop if I quit working.

And the brunch out the next day would be a thing of the past as well.

And Lukas' excitement about going to school to see his little friends would go away too since school would be out of the budget.

And then I spent the day with a dear friend who works part time and spends two days a week home with her toddler.  And we talked honestly about how staying home with kids is hard and doing it day in and day out can be exhausting, especially if you no longer have the money to do the fun things you enjoy doing with them.  And then I read some more blogs from moms who stay home with their kids. (Interesting that there are many lawyer turned stay at home mommies out there...) One told me to get ready to embrace McDonalds and having your kids watching Sesame Street, Dora the Explorer and any other cartoon that will give you a break.  The blog also said to embrace drinking wine and ignoring your kids.  Because apparently that's what you have to do to make it through the day as a stay at home mom.

Maybe this is not what I want.  Maybe it's not even what's best for Lukas.

I realized if I quit working then there's no money left for vacations or flying to visit relatives who live a plane ride away.  That wouldn't be better for Lukas.  That wouldn't be better for me.

And Lukas, he is THRIVING right now.  He is a happy kid with an infectious laugh and huge smile.  All. The. Time.  Am I really going to risk screwing that up by changing his whole world so that I can stay home with him.  (Because of course, his staying at home with me is the best thing for him.  Period.  End of story.  I can teach him better than any school.  Right?  Maybe it's not).  He seems to be doing just awesome with the power combination we currently have going of school-mommy-daddy rearing. Why mess with something that is clearly working?

And then we went and spent thousands of dollars renovating our backyard and driveway.  Nope, we wouldn't be able to do any more house improvements if I stopped working. 

There was more to think about than just my emotions.

So after talking to Mr. Cob about the ins and outs of what this "new life" would look like and talking to my amazing working mom friends and my own mom, I've made the decision to continue on as a working mom.  I think it's best for Lukas.  I think it's best for me.  I just needed Mr. Cob to agree that if I need to be a stay at home mom, then we could make it work.  I think I needed to know it was an option if I really really wanted it.  And I needed to take some time to evaluate how life would change if I did stay at home and I don't think the grass would be greener.

But I also don't want to have the mom guilt for another 18 plus years.  So I'm letting it go.  I'm not going to allow myself to get bogged down in the guilt any more.

I'm a working mom.  I love my kiddo.  And it's OK that he's at daycare 8 hours a day.

I know this won't be the last time I go through this exercise.  I know there will be other days where I cry and question my decision.  And maybe in the future the outcome will be different.  But for now, I'm going to hold on to my high heels and keep going with this juggling act.

So now you know what's been on my mind lately.  Nothing big.  Just life.

New Do?

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow.  I'm long overdue.  As in I was scheduled to last get it cut on December 8th and cancelled that appointment.  So I probably had it cut two months before that, which puts me around the beginning of October (or earlier...).  So if my math skills are correct, that means it has been almost six months since I've cut my hair.

Remind me why am I admitting this to anyone?

So yeah, I need a hair cut.  I had planned on continuing to grow it out.  You see the reason I haven't cut it in 6 months is that I'm growing it out again.  (See how I just made a legitimate excuse for my lack of beauty routine?)  BUT, I'm getting to that "I hate my hair why would I ever think it'd be pretty long" stage of hair hate.

And then thanks to Pinterst I found this picture:

And now I want to chop it all off so that I look like this. I mean so that I look like me but with this hair.  Isn't it fabulous?

But the downside is that I wouldn't be able to pull it up in a ponytail.  But I think I'm going to do it.  Maybe. 

Thank you for indulging my self-involved beauty post of the day. 

Thoughts????  Should I go for it or keep on growing it out???

P.S.  Did you know they use meat to make cheese? Calf Stomach, to be exact.  Me neither, until today.  Also, my blog giveway is still open until midnight tonight - enter now!

A Year Later

Today marks the 365th day that I've been back at work since my maternity leave ended.  In many ways it is hard to believe a full year has passed.  In others, it feels like yesterday that I cried my way to work that first day back.  If I had my shit together enough, I'd do a comparison of Lukas then versus Lukas now.  But the reality is, I haven't cracked open his baby book in months and he's changed in more ways than I could count.  So instead, lets talk about me.

Here are the things that I would never have thought would be true about myself a year ago, but are in fact true:

1.  I'm still breastfeeding Lukas.  I tend to not make this fact known and avoid the topic if it comes up, or just fail to mention it.  But I think I'm doing a disservice to other moms who are currently, or who are thinking about, nursing past the year mark.  I really thought a year would be it.  But then November 8th came and went, and nothing changed.  I still wanted to continue and Lukas showed no signs of disinterest, so we continued.  And to be honest, I don't have any plan about how long I'll keep nursing him.  I've read a lot of research on nursing toddlers, mainly in an effort to arm myself against people who think its wrong, and I could give you the information I've learned, but I've come to the realization that I don't need to defend my decision.  It's my decision.  He's my son and it's working for us.   And I'm not going to change what I'm doing based on other people's opinions.  And for any moms out there with questions, I'm happy to talk more about it and think maybe it would help remove the stigma if more moms talked about it.  From my own experience, I can say that I think the continued nursing has helped keep Lukas healthier - he's only had one "sick" visit to the pediatrician since he was born (almost 15 months now) and has somehow avoided almost all of the bugs that have hit his friends at daycare.   And if his social development has been delayed because of my nursing him this long, then I don't really want to know what his non-delayed social development would be.  He can be soothed in other ways than nursing, he can put himself to sleep without nursing, and he doesn't lift up my shirt in public demanding the boob.  He doesn't take a pacifier or drink from a bottle.  So far, I've seen zero negative effects from the "prolonged" nursing.  And, apparently I'm more passionate about this than I even realized.

2.  I like being a working mom.  I don't particularly like the days when I get home after 7pm and only have 10 minutes with my little man, such as tonight.  But most days are not like today.  He is learning so much at baby school and he has fun with his little friends.  Tonight, when Mr. Cob picked him up, Lukas saw Mr. Cob, smiled and then ran away from him and kept playing with his friends.  He's happy.  What more could I want?  And for me, well, I really like having my cup of coffee in quiet.  I enjoy the adult conversation I have on a daily basis with my co-workers.  I like the challenging work and client interaction.  I like getting dressed up in heels every day.  I like that I worked hard for my degrees and am using them.  (Lord knows I am still paying for them, so there's that too.)  Also, one thing I have learned about myself is that I am much more efficient and productive when I have a full plate.  And for me, I'm more present in whatever it is I'm doing, whether it be acting as "mom" or as "lawyer" or as "wife" or as "friend".  I think being a working mom has helped me prioritize my life and approach it differently.

3.  I don't envy stay at home moms -  When I was on maternity leave, I did.  I was jealous of moms who were able to stay home with their babies.  But now, I see how hard it is to be a SAHM.  You are expected to have a full time job (raising the children), while also keeping the house spotless, pack lunches, cook dinners, balance the checkbook, exercise, do all the laundry, etc. etc.  And the reality is, when I'm home on the weekends with Lukas, he requires ALL of my, or Mr. Cob's, attention.  There's little time to get anything else done unless he's napping.  And quite frankly, when he's napping I really just want to sit my tired butt on the couch and do nothing.  Since I'm not a SAHM, I feel like people are more forgiving about the house not always being clean, or the laundry not being folded.  But it seems that SAHMs are expected to do it all and are judged if they're not.  On the flip side, I do realize I miss out on some of those "moments" with the my little guy.  But for me, for now, I don't want to trade in my briefcase for the SAHM gig.

4.  The stretch marks don't bother me.  I have stretch marks from my massive weight gain while pregnant.  I didn't really notice them as they were happening (denial, perhaps?), but they're on my hips, legs and booty.  I consider myself a somewhat vain person, but honestly, they don't both me at all.  When I see them I smile because they make me remember being pregnant with Lukas.  It's amazing what the female body can do and so what if I have a few reminders from growing a new person.  I wasn't a model before the baby and I'm not a model now.  A few stretch marks aren't anything to cry about, or obsess over.  Now, I'm pretty sure I'll cry when my boobs deflate post-nursing, so I'm not totally over the vain-thing.

5.  I have found my passion.  I was meant to be a mother.  I didn't know this until I had Lukas.  In fact, before he was born I worried I would be a horrible mother.  I didn't think I'd know how.  I'd made enough dumb choices on my own over the years and was convinced I'd screw him up immediately, if not sooner.  I also had a lot of inward discontentment because I felt as though I hadn't yet found that "thing" in life that I was meant to do.  (No, no, lawyering never gave me that feeling.)  But since having Lukas, I've realized that I am passionate about being a mother.  There is nothing in my life that I have felt so comfortable doing or felt so happy doing.  And since becoming a mother, all the other areas of my life have improved, and I have grown as a person.  I am happy with the woman I have become.  And I truly do feel joy every day.  I attribute most of that to becoming a mom.  It's the best thing in the world.  At least for me.

2012 Intentions

You thought that since it was over a week since the new year and I hadn't yet written anything about resolutions then clearly I hadn't made any this year.  Nope, not the case.  I always make resolutions at the beginning of a new year.  Some years they're more ambitious than others.  And, usually I fall off the wagon around week 2 or 3.  But I always make them.  For one reason.

I. Love. Starting. A. New. Year.

I get really excited when January 1 rolls around each year.  Magically, at the stroke of midnight on December 31/January 1, everything is wiped clean and you're given a fresh start.  I know, I know, there's nothing "magical" or special about January 1 and if I really wanted to change things in my life, I could start on any random day of the year.  The third Tuesday in May could be the first day of the rest of my life.  But for me, I get all giddy about the first of January.  And this year was no different.

I sat on the beach in Florida the morning of January 1st and wrote down my intentions for the year.  I'm calling my resolutions "intentions" so that I don't feel like I've failed if I don't stick with them.  This way, even if I veer off course, I can look back at my list and remember what I had set out to concentrate on this year and get back on the right path.  With resolutions, when your resolve fades away, you can feel like you already failed so there's no sense in continuing with the resolutions.  (Or is this just me?)  I realize this might be silly, but here's to hoping I can keep my 2012 intentions at the forefront of my mind this year.

The reason I've delayed in writing this post is because I keep going back and forth on whether or not I feel like sharing my list with the few family members who read this blog world.  But I figure why not.

So here is my list:

1. Eat more fruits and vegetables each day.
2. Make my marriage a priority (this sounds more complicated than the intention is. I promise, it's not - just take my word on this one...)
3. Detach from my cell phone/computer/facebook - be fully present in interactions with my family and friends
4. Make exercise a regular part of life - dance with Lukas, walk Wrigley, do a yoga DVD, run, etc.  And don't feel defeated if I exercise for only a short period of time. 
5. Live more frugally - cook meals, bring lunch to work, etc. (this coincides within intention #1 and has been a huge success so far thanks to the January meal plan Mr. Cob and I created, and have stuck to for 10 days!)
6. See love in everyone and express love in all actions - don't judge, don't assume
7. Stop searching for outward validation.  I am amazing.

So there is the list.  I could (and might) write a post about each intention and the background behind it.  But for now, that's my list.

Here's to a fabulous 2012 filled with good intentions.

Advice that Isn't

There are many aspects about being a woman that I love.  But cattiness and judgement between other women is not one of them.  And worse yet, is judgement from other moms. 

I was on facebook the other day and saw a post from a college sorority sister that read something like this: hey facebook mommy friends, any advice for this new working mom?  Some days are really hard.  My response:  You can do it! It is really hard at first, but I promise that it does get better! My biggest advice is to not feel guilty and don't let other people's opinions make you feel bad. And cry when you need to :). Some days will be worse than others - but know there are lots of other working moms out there who can relate and are here to help!

I thought my advice was what I would've wanted to hear last February when I returned to work when I had a 12 week old at home/daycare.  It was upbeat and encouraging, yet understanding and hopefully made the recipient know she's not alone in her feelings.  And there is no sugar-coating it.  Return to work after having a baby is really, really hard.  I cried.  A. Lot.  But it did get better.  And eventually I got into a routine and everyone in our house is happy (some days more than others).  I made it through the first couple of months because I had a lot of people behind me and other working moms giving me advice and encouragement along the way.

What I luckily did not get, at least not to my face, was someone telling me that I was making the wrong decision.  That maybe it was hard because I should instead be at home with my baby.  But sadly, my facebook friend, received such "advice", if you can even it call it that.

One comment was to the effect of "It never gets easier."  This is not helpful to the new working mom, in any way. Whatsoever.  And for most working moms that I know, it's just not true.  It does get easier.  It takes time, but it does.  I still have days where I cry in the middle of the day at work because I wish I was at home with Lukas.  But those days are usually after I've been on vacation with him (and with my husband and away from all the responsibilities of day-to-day life), and/or are having an awful day at work, and really I'd rather be anywhere else.  It does get easier.

Another comment, which was the impetus for me writing this post said something along the lines of "It was really hard for me and I never became comfortable being away from my child. I love being home now and realize how precious this time is and how fast it will go. Something to consider?"  This comment made me want to jump through the computer and yell at this person.  It took all of my constraint to not post a comment in response and start an all out comment war on my friend's wall.  What got me the most was the end.  Something to consider?  As if this new working mom hasn't considered this.  I'd bet that just about EVERY new mom who plans to return to work at least CONSIDERS if only for a moment (or much longer) staying at home with her new baby instead of going back to work.  And a new mom reaching out to other moms for advice on juggling working and being a mom, certainly does not need someone else to remind her that she could get rid of this problem by quitting her job and staying at home with her baby.  If I'd read this piece of "advice" a week or two after returning to work from maternity leave, I would have immediately lost my shit.  At that point I was considering every second, of every day how I could figure out a way to be a stay-at-home-mom.  And I sure as hell didn't need someone else asking me if I'd considered it, especially since it was not an economic possibility for my family at that time, or even now.  And regardless of the reason a mom has for returning to work, financial or otherwise (call me crazy, some women LIKE working), putting into question another mother's decision is not your place, or helpful in any way.

Why that woman couldn't have said something encouraging and left it at that is baffling to me.  You are entitled to your opinion, but you might want to weigh when and how you express it.  And what is right for you, may not be right for the next person. 

So my advice to anyone offering advice to a new working mom, be kind with your words.  Say something loving and empowering to her.  Women have fought hard for rights of equality in the workplace and for the right to CHOOSE what to do with her career and her family life.  So don't judge someone when she chooses to be a mom and a working woman.  Love her.  Cheer her on.  And wish her strength and success.   

Email is Out?

I heard on the radio recently that email is becoming the "old" way of communicating and that you can't expect someone to respond to your emails.  Rather, twitter, facebook and texting have taken its place.  Now call me old-school, but I just think this is ridiculous.  Perhaps its because I sit at a computer all day long and a very large part of my job involves emailing back and forth, but I just can't believe that most people don't respond to their email and would rather communicate via facebook or text.

Am I completely wrong here?  Do you respond to facebook messages or text messages before emails?  What is your favored mode of communication?

Admittedly, I have found myself facebook messaging people lately.  But I think this is due to not knowing someones email address.  So I can see where facebook is becoming a means of staying in touch, but my go-to is not a facebook message, it is an email.  And twitter as a way of staying in touch is just silly to me.  My obsession with twitter lasted all of about 10 days and I now don't ever really log-on. I never really "got" it.  I need more than 180 characters to say anything.  I'm wordy, what can I say.

Seriously though, do y'all prefer texting or facebook over email?????

Simply Unimaginable

I had prayed I wouldn't have to write this post.  But sometimes the power of prayer just isn't enough.  God has different plans.

My friends Emily and Chris lost their 9 month old son Marco this morning.  Within a little over two weeks he first showed signs of being sick, was diagnosed with cancer and passed away.  It is not fair.  He was such a sweet soul with a beautiful smile.  He was just a little baby.

There are no words to make this "better" or spin this tragedy.  I'm trying to stay positive, but that's very hard to do when you can't make sense of something.  I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, but today I don't know what that reason is.  God works in mysterious ways, but I'd like to ask him "why?" on this one. 

I pray that Marco's momma and daddy have strength to get through unimaginable time.  Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts and send them love.

Please hug and kiss on your family a little tighter and a little longer than usual tonight.  Make that phone call to whoever it is you've been holding off calling for whatever reason.  Say you're sorry to whoever you've wronged.  Reach out to that friend you haven't been in touch with.  Be kind to both neighbor and stranger alike.  Call your momma just to tell her you love her.

Life is truly precious and too often we take it for granted.

Sweet Marco, I know you're an angel in Heaven now, safe in the arms of God.  You will be missed by so many.

When Did This Happen?

As I walked passed the Crate & Barrel storefront I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the store window and had to do a double take.  Who was this woman in a dress and high heels pushing a baby in a stroller?  I recognized the dress and high heels part; my everyday outfit pre-baby.  But the stroller and baby part made me stop in my tracks.  I had one of those "when did this happen" moments? 

It feels like yesterday that I was a college student living in the sorority house juggling drinking and studying, nary a care in the world.  A lot has changed since then and I'm not that same woman anymore.  She's definitely a part of my life and has shaped me into the person I am today, but thankfully, she and I are no longer the same person.

Somewhere along the way I grew up.  I suppose at some point we all do.

I can't pinpoint an exact time when this happened.  It's been gradual and the icing on the cake was probably having a baby.  The day Lukas was born was the day I stopped being selfish and putting myself before everything else.  He had to come first.  And I've learned a lot about myself and changed a lot since he was born.

I'm no longer timid about speaking my mind, especially when it comes to my son.  Before Lukas, if I was concerned about a situation or feeling like something was off, my typical reaction was to just let it slide.  Someone else would take care of it, I'd rationalize.  I didn't want to be the source of trouble.  But in the past two months, I've found myself picking up the phone to call Lukas' school and express my concerns about one situation and walking into to the administrator's office to speak directly about another.  Two things I would have gotten extremely nervous about before.  But now I didn't hesitate at all, even though Mr. Cob at first was concerned that I was becoming "that parent".  It is my responsibility to protect Lukas and speak up for him, since he cannot.  That is my job as his mother.

I have also found that I'm not quite as narcissistic or self conscious since becoming a mother.  I'm that person who always look at myself in anything resembling a mirror.  It's a bad habit I picked up along the way.  I generally care about how I look and try to present myself as nicely as possible in public.  But I also used to really care about the number on the scale and feel somewhat self conscious in a bathing suit.  While I still tend check myself out in windows, elevator doors and picture frame glass, I don't have such a critical eye anymore.  I definitely don't have the same toned body I once did, but when we go to the pool now, while I don't sport my tiny bikini, I do wear my tankini proudly and not give a second thought to the size of my thighs.  I figure I have this adorable, healthy little boy that people are looking at instead of me anyway.  I'm also proud and amazed at what my body has done in the past year.  So while I do still want to tone up and lose a few more pounds, I'm at a place where I'm totally happy with my body.

Life also seems much more precious now.  It's not worth fretting over whether all the dishes are in the sink or the weeds are all pulled.  Or whether we have the latest gadgets or cars.  There will always be someone with a bigger house, a nice car and fancier shoes.  We may not eat at the hippest restaurants or go out to the newest bars, but I wouldn't trade my current state of home life and my amazing family for anything in the world. 

I'm not sure exactly when I became this woman, sometime between saying I do and rocking my baby boy to sleep, but I like her and am happy she's here.

A Break from the Videos

While it's easy to fill up blog posts with videos of Lukas, I figure its time to shift gears for a moment and actually put down some words.  It's also time to shift from being baby-centric.  I do have a life outside of baby, kind of.

I think I've mentioned before that I have some amazing friends.  Well I feel the need to say it again.  I have amazing friends.

I spent the weekend in Chapel Hill celebrating my friend Katie's wedding.  Kate and I met in law school, where we also met some other great ladies.  I spent all weekend laughing with them, retelling stories and creating new memories.  I love being with them.  But the day after, once we've all left to go back to our respective cities, I'm filled with a little bit of sadness.  I miss my girls already.  I wish we all lived in the same place.

I wish I could just hop in the car and go visit Carey and McKinley.  I'd love to have regular playdates with her and Lukas and get to watch them really grow up together.  Instead I'll watch her grow up via pictures and visits three to four times a year, if I'm lucky.  I wish I could be there in a month when Carey goes back to work, to meet her for lunch and give her a real hug, because she'll need it.  But a phone call and lots of emails will have to suffice.

I wish I could meet Erin for brunch on Sunday to hear the latest on her love life.  I wish we could meet for drinks after work (and laugh as she pulls her own coozy out of her purse) and cheers her in person for kicking ass at her job.  If she lived here I know I'd have a regular work out partner to walk with or play tennis together. 

And I'd love to spend more time with Ally.  We spent all weekend in New Orleans laughing together and pondering life's "important" questions.  She was always willing to go back to our house whenever I needed to pump, whether we were in the middle of Burbon Street or about to go shopping.  She was there when I needed a friend, even if it meant misssing something more fun. And then again this weekend, I just found myself constantly laughing with her and smiling.  Thankfully Nashville isn't too far away, but it's still not down the street.

I wish you girls lived here.  If there's anything I can do to make that happen, just say the word.

I am blessed to have great friends here in Atlanta too.  Katie is here.  If she and her new hubby ever move away, I'll cry.  I'd be so sad not to be able to meet her for a martini and talk about everything and anything that's go on.  She is one of the few people I can say anything to.  No matter what.

And Lauren and T are here.  It's so nice to have couple-friends who Mr. Cob and I see regularly and who I'm so close with.  And it makes me smile knowing our babies are growing up together.  And to have other working momma friends to lean on here.

 I think you're blessed if you have one good, true friend in this life.  I'm not sure what I did to deserve so many amazing women to call my friends.  But my life is better because of them.  And for that, I will always be grateful for going to UGA law school.  Always.

Why You Should Blog

You should start a blog.  Seriously.  Even if you think you have nothing to say, you do.  And people will read it.  We all need 5 minute breaks from work during our day.  And lets be honest, people LOVE reading about other people and what goes on in their lives. It's the voyeurism fetish in all of us.  And for some reason, I think we like reading more about people we don't stay in touch with than people we do.  Perhaps because we don't need to read about the people we talk to on a regular basis.  OH whatever, I read friends' blogs who I talk to on a weekly basis.  I also stalk people on facebook.  It's true.

I have a point. I promise.

Here is why you should start a blog:  You will realize that whatever crazy thing you're going through, someone else is going through it too, and then you will let out a huge sigh of relief.  Ahhhh.

Case and point (or is it "case in point"? No clue.  I digress) - A friend whose baby was born a few days after Lukas emailed me yesterday and said she's having the same debate about starting her babe on foods.  I now don't feel so silly for having this internal struggle.  Apparently it's normal.  Does that make me normal?  Surely not.

So while you should start a blog, you should also comment on people's blogs.  It will help their self esteem and sense of normalcy.

That's my advice for the day.