The Time is Never Right

I read another interesting article on the work-life balance conversation recently. I love this topic and know there's no one path that works for each family.  But it helps to keep talking about the issues we all face!

When we decided to move to Macon over a year ago we made the decision to put my husband's job first.  This was a hard decision (especially as I was on the cusp of making partner at my firm), but it was right for our family. He has his dream job as an Assistant U.S. Attorney. And in 8 weeks I will fully step back from my legal job. It might be until Bridget is 4-6 months old, or it might be indefinite.  I'm not sure yet.  But December 18th has been set as my last day.

I'm excited and petrified by the possibility. I'll get more time with my kids and won't have to hand Bridget over to someone else to return to a job I sometimes loathe.  I won't be sitting at a desk 8 hours a day. But I will be stepping away from a career I've spent a lot of money on and for which I'll still be paying student loans for years to come. I don't know if I can get back in the game if I completely leave and that is where the massive fear comes from. Will that time, money and schooling have been for naught? Will I regret this choice?

But what about the other things out there?  What if I devoted more hours a week to my Beautycounter business that I truly love?  What if I actually wrote that book I've been wanting to write? What if I got yoga-teacher certified or became a lactation consultant like I've dreamed? What if I find that thing that I don't even know is my thing yet?

And how will my family life change? How much stress can I take away from my husband by taking over the morning drop off so he can always get to work on time? How much stress of my own will be relieved by being able to devote our mornings to the kids rather than rushing around trying to throw myself together too? And our evenings? What will happen when I can prep dinner while the boys are at school and then actually spend time WITH them when I pick them up?  How will their behavior change when they are no longer stuck in aftercare until 5pm every day?  I am so excited by these changes. 

So why am I so afraid? Why can I not answer the question "What do you want to do once Bridget is here?"  I was asked it this morning by my boss, but I couldn't respond.  In truth we won't know the extent of Bridget's medical needs until she's here, but I used that as an excuse to not commit to anything right now.  A convenient by-product of her diagnosis.  Hey, I'm trying to find the silver linings where I can.  

Yet in my heart I already know.  I want to step away from the law. It's not my passion.  It never was.

I know what I'm giving up.  But I don't think I fully understand the potential of what I have to gain.  The timing is never right to make big changes.  I'll never feel we're financially settled to take this big pay cut. But sometimes you have to leap. Sometimes you have to trust that it will all work out.

I think it's finally time to run and do what I need to do.  I'm ready to find out who I am when I finally lay aside my lawyer's hat.  Maybe I'll put it on again one day.  Maybe that day will be sooner than later.  But maybe, just maybe, I'll never look back.

Mantra Testing

My 2015 mantra to "LET IT GO" is being challenged in a serious way.  I am so trying to roll with the flow and let life happen, but I am struggling man. The lack of control is driving me batty. I'm starting to see why people don't make new year's resolutions or intentions - once you put it out there it feels like the universe is conspiring to see how well you can play out that intention.  Perhaps I shouldn't have chosen a mantra that is also the theme song to a popular Disney movie. I mean, it didn't work out so hot for Elsa there for a while.

So what am I struggling to let go of?

Our kitchen renovation. It came to yet another screeching halt yesterday.  As a recap, the first bump came with designer #1's $6,000 design price tag. Womp womp. At which point we changed directions and found a design-build firm who only charged $500 for the design, which gets refunded back to you if you sign on with them to do your project. I've met with designer #2 over a handful of times. Measurements have been taken. Design plans drawn up. Contractors have come to the house to provide their estimates for plumbing, electrical, HVAC and flooring. All of this was supposedly coming up on budget.

Then, last week designer #2 called to tell me that we needed to increase our budget $7,000 to correct the uneven floor, or we'd have to go with laminate or some other floating floor option, which they weren't really keen on. So I asked for a meeting with the designer, the owner of the company who made this decision and also asked for a breakdown of the budget to see where all the other money was being allocated. I asked for this meeting last Wednesday, but for whatever reason they couldn't meet us until 9am Tuesday morning. Then at 8am that morning I got a call from designer #2 saying they just couldn't do the project and would refund me our money. Apparently she could not get the numbers to work the whole time, even without the $7,000 bump. I never did see a budget breakdown, so I'm still not sure what the real story is. But I took my money back, cried a tear or two of frustration and decided the husband and I can tackle being our own general contractor. This should be a fun adventure.

Then there's my j.o.b. I know, I know, ain't nobody supposed to talk publicly about their job. I get it. But the fact of the matter is that things with my legal job are totally up in the air. I'm struggling to just be chill about the whole thing. I want to know the end result. I want to know where this is going. I want to know the destination.  I am really trying to enjoy the journey, but I'm finding that difficult with all the uncertainty. And yes, there was a big thing that happened recently to shake up the uncertainty even more than it already was, but at the end of the day, I'm still employed and I still am bringing home decent money for my family. I'm trying to focus on those things and less about titles and what may transpire down the road. I know I need to let go of the fear around this and just ride it out.

I'm also trying to let go of the speed with which my Beautycounter business is growing. By all accounts I'm doing a great job. I'm only in my 2nd full month and I'm completely happy with my progress, but it's hard to not compare to the speed of some of the other consultants. I see other consultants building their team each day (we have a huge support network on facebook, so I see when someone adds a new member) and so far I haven't recruited anyone. I know in time it will happen, but it is hard to not compare and feel like your'e doing something wrong. I know they may be doing Beuatycounter as a full time job and have much more time to commit to their business than I do, but it's hard to fight off that self-doubt. I am finding that motivation is something you have to give your self on a daily basis. It comes and goes.  But I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I keep moving forward, things are good. There is no competition for growing the fastest. I know in my heart that slow and steady is the right and perfect way for me, but sometimes I lose sight of that and want it to happen now.

It's just been an emotional couple of weeks. Everyone in our house has also been sick, so I know that's not helping things. I know I'm worrying my husband - he bears the brunt of it when I collapse and flip the switch from my usual positive self to walking around under the negative dark cloud that sometimes appears. I'm grateful to have him walking beside me and holding my hand when I need it the most.  

So I'm going to just keep singing along with Elsa and let the storm rage on.  And maybe for 2016 I'll go with Hakuna Matata as my mantra.  

To the Working Moms

I just realized I've shared three different articles on Facebook in the last couple of weeks about working moms. I've also had an ongoing dialogue with some other female lawyers (moms and not) about the retention (or lack thereof) of women in the legal community. And then I realized it's been a while since I've talked about my own feelings as of late about being a working mom, so I thought it'd be a fun topic for today.

I'm in my 8th year as a lawyer.  I worked full time in a large firm of over 500 attorneys up until this past July when I took a little over 2 months off to move to Macon and get settled. The plan was then to work part time remotely for my firm and go into the office in Atlanta as needed for meetings, but that plan was put on hold when I was loaned out to a corporation here in Macon where I'm currently an acting in-house counsel while their hiring freeze continues.  I'm working full time again. 

Then about a month ago I started my own business as a Beautycounter consultant. So I'm currently working 40 hours a week as a lawyer and about another 10-15 hours a week on getting my Beautycounter business up and running.  I also write as a guest blogger for the 360 Parenting website. So I'm working more now than perhaps I ever have, certainly since I've been a mom.

But the strange thing is that for the most part I am completely comfortable with the amount of time I'm working and the amount of time I'm spending with my family and on myself. I have not always been in this state of mind. (Seriously, just ask my co-workers, friends and husband and they'll tell you I was a hot mess a little over a year ago with my work-life balance. There was zero balance and I was on the verge of a breakdown most days of the week. I cried in front of my boss on more than one occasion - not my best moments - and I really did not think I could continue juggling everything.)

So why the shift?  

14 months ago, at the height of my feelings of "too muchness", I had a six month old who was wearing a helmet to correct his misshapen head. I was a nursing mom of said six month old baby working full time as a lawyer (pumping breastmilk at the office is totally relaxing and awesome, said no-mom-ever). My house was on the market. My husband was looking for a new job. I had a three year old in addition to the infant. We spent 25-40 minutes commuting from daycare to home every day. My body was not quickly bouncing back from baby and at only 6 months-postpartum, my hormones were still raging.  It was just too much.

A lot has changed since then.  Julian is now a 20 month old toddler who is running around at full speed with a round head (though admittedly the helmet would come in handy now given his proclivity for falling). I stopped nursing a long time ago. My lawyer job now ends at 4:30 every day. My house doesn't need to be spotless every morning before I leave (thank heavens for that). My husband has a job he loves with only a 10-15 minute commute. My 4 year old is at an awesome age and loving his preschool. I commute 6 minutes to work and have the world's most amazing nanny pick my boys up from school and watch them in the afternoon. I'm feeling great about my body and thanks to my nutritionist and a recently discovered thyroid issue, my hormones are chilling the fuck out. And everyone around me is very grateful for that.

So yes, my life is very different today than it was in the early months of 2014.  But I'm still working a lot. I'm still not my children's primary caregiver during the hours of 8-5. Yet I'm really OK with that. I think there are a few reasons for that. 

I'm finally doing a job (albeit as a side gig) that I am loving. I've always suspected that I'd be more OK with being a working mom if I were spending my time away from the boys working on something I was passion about, something I believed in and something that I felt was impactful. I'm getting that from Beautycounter. I don't get that as a lawyer.  Along the same lines, I'm connecting with others in a way that I don't as a lawyer. This morning before my lawyer job, I had a quick one-on-one with a girlfriend. I loved seeing her in person and getting out from behind a desk and a stack of papers. I'm a people person, and I like seeing people!

My lack of time in the car is not something to be discounted. I remember listening to a lecture a few years back from a women's law group about how to "have it all".  One of the women said she doesn't go outside of a 2 mile radius of her house. Her children's school, her office, her church, her dry cleaners, they are all within this circle. At the time I thought it was an interesting idea but one I could never implement. Well, I've drawn a 5 mile radius around our house and sticking within it as much as possible - the boys' school, my office, our grocery store. I'm not spending extra time in a car.  And it is Fabulous. (Yes, with a capital F).

We hired super nanny.  I'm not kidding, our nanny is amazing. She is great with kids and she has helped me in ways I didn't expect. She helps with things around the house (including laundry!) and runs those random errands I always seem to forget (the cat thanks her often). She helps teach the boys manners and works with L on his letters. She taught J to eat with a fork. She meets me at the tee ball field with the boys so I'm not racing around after work. She stays late so the husband and I are able to go on regular date nights and keep our marriage a priority, which is so huge for our boys. She's been a true blessing in our lives and I think every working mom deserves a helper like her, even if just for a few hours each week.

But aside from all these things, which admittedly are major changes that not all working moms may be able (even desire) to make, I think the biggest reason I'm comfortable with being a working mom right now is because of the stage my children are in. It is hard to remember that children and mommy-ing go through stages and each has its own difficulties. That first year of a child's life is so full of these stages and I really wish the United States would hurry up and pass some legislation providing maternity benefits to all mothers. A full year off, without losing your job, would be ideal in my opinion. Or being able to go back at very reduced hours after six months or so. Because that first year is filled with so many emotions and sleepless nights and teething and feeding issues and bonding time and hormonal craziness. Did I mention the sleeplessness? I really believe that the legal community and other industries are going to continue losing out on kick-ass workers because that first year of being a mom is so difficult for many of us.

As I've mentioned, we hope baby #3 will be more than just an idea sometime later this year, but my biggest hesitation is going through that first year again. Infants are so adorable (as I was reminded when holding my dear friend's 4 month old this past weekend), but being a new mom is hormonally and emotionally taxing.  And I'm worried about going through that again and trying to keep my wits and my day job. I know it is only a phase, but it was harder for me the 2nd time around than the first, so what will the 3rd time around be like? And I feel like I'm upending the apple cart when I finally feel like I've hit my groove. But my mind's made up. God-willing the boys will get a sibling in 2016. And I'll figure it out when the time comes.

So for you working mommas out there struggling through that first year, you CAN do it.  You can, because you are. It doesn't have to look pretty. You don't have to be perfect. And your skinny jeans don't damn well need to fit any time soon.  Just take it one day at a time. And remember that you are a great mom! Even if you occasionally cry in your male boss's office. Just blame it on the hormones sister!

Our Two Lawyer Marriage

Only three days into the reboot of our two career household and the bickering and side-eye rolls have begun. I hate that this is the reality, but it is. Don't read anything into this, or take it the wrong way. To be clear, our marriage is solid. We're deeply in love and neither of us is going anywhere. But that doesn't change the fact that marriage is hard and requires work. As into this man as I am, we're not Mr. and Mrs. Sunshine every day. So let's not pretend we are.

I think this is at the front of my attention because we've just had a shift in dynamics.  For almost two months, he has worked full time and I have stayed at home with the kids. My sole responsibility has been caring for our children (a full time job, for sure) and tending to our house. There were no legal clients for me to worry about, or a long to-do list of work and home that pulled me in different directions.

Just the kids and home. This included the grocery shopping, the cooking, the cleaning and the organizing. We never had a conversation delegating these tasks to me, it just happened. I could go to Kroger at 11am on Tuesday, while a full time 9-5er could not. I could start dinner at 4:30 and have whatever culinary creation I was up to making plated by 5:30. We even had time to play outside or go for a family walk before the baby's 6:30 bedtime rolled around. The bathrooms got wiped down during nap time and the washing machine was constantly running. And while I am about as far from a domestic goddess as one can get, I had no resentment towards my husband for having to do all these things. It honestly didn't cross my mind that he should be doing them. I took it on as my job.  Simple as that.

But then I went back to work full time. And the rushing and the feeling of never enough time is back. I hate that feeling. And suddenly I find myself jumping down my husband's throat for no reason at all.  And the poor man doesn't really have a chance. He asks what he can do to help with dinner, but I snap that I've got it, when I could really use a hand setting the table or chopping some vegetables. I am cold to him when our baby wants his dada and refuses to come to momma, as if this daddy stage is something he has caused. Yet I see the sadness on his face as he's rocking our boy before bed because his wife has tears in her eyes over something he has no control over. I feel like his questions about the nanny are accusations of things I'm clearly screwing up. I blame him for not letting the dog out in the morning which resulted in an accident and then nitpicked his use of the steam cleaner to clean the carpets.  I think you get the point.

There must be a connection between the uptick in disagreements and the reemergence of my job. When both spouses are working outside the home (and you have children), no one is really off the clock until the kids are in bed. You leave your office job and you come home and have to do all the home things. You have to cook dinner, clean the house AND spend quality time with the kids, when you're all tired and cranky after having had a full day already. It's clearly a recipe for disaster (at least for us).  And left unchecked for too long, I can see how the wheels can fall off a marriage over time.

So what to do? For me, the first thing is to apologize and admit that I'm a massive part of the problem. (Ok, so maybe I am the problem. Maybe.) And then I need to prioritize. What's important? For me, my discontentment is coming from feeling like I have no time with my boys now that I'm working again. Going from all day with them to just a few hours, is a stark difference. But if I'm going to continue with all this honesty, I'll admit that all day with two small children (especially in a town where you don't know anyone), is hard and lonely. Sure I had large quantities of time with my boys, but the quality was less than I'd like to admit. I took for granted the time with them. I didn't plan our days, I turned on the TV and I wasn't a "yes" mom who did tons (or any) of creative, educational, Pinterest-inspired activities. But now that I'm having to cram my time with them into a few short hours, I feel saddened and defeated. It's as though I've accepted that it's not enough time, so why even try? (Ugh, I hate realizing these things about myself!)  And why I take this out on the husband, I have no idea. My working is not something he pushed for - he is supportive of my career, but he is 100% on board with a full shift if that's what I decide at any given time I want.

So how do I spend the quality time with the boys in just a few short hours, while needing to also cook dinner, bathe them and tend to the home? For one, I can stop making dinner such a production. I think I worry too much about what I'm serving rather than focusing on who I'm breaking bread with! Family dinner should be more about the family than the dinner.  And then I need to give my boys my undivided attention - that means turning off the cell phone.  But that also means turning off the mental to-do list and setting aside anything that doesn't involve the boys. The dishes can be done after 7:45, but my boys can't stay up until then, so they dishes can wait.  Also, I can accept help when it is offered and set aside my criticism over the way the help is delivered. My way is not the only way.

I know it is going to take us some time to get used to my working again. I know I'll get used to my job and we'll find a new routine and a rhythm that works for all four of us. I also know when I'm in the wrong and when an apology is owed.  So love, this one's for you. I'm sorry I've been such a miserable wife the past day or two. I've obviously got some things to work on....

SAHM No More

My ten weeks of being a full time stay-at-home mommy came to an abrupt end today. Well, not exactly abrupt. I knew it was coming. But it felt abrupt. Yesterday I was mommy. That was my only hat. Today I stepped back into my lawyer heels and kissed my babies goodbye and it was hard and strange and felt kind of wrong, but also kind of right. I can't decide how I really feel about it.  I think it's still too new.

I don't like to write about work too often. It's in bad form, or something like that. But the reader's digest version of my work story is this. I took a leave of absence from my job at the end of July so I could move and get settled here in Macon. Then the plan was to start back part time from home, but continue with my same job and same clients, just 100% telecommuting and only part time. And then a weird thing happened - my firm was approached about an opportunity in Macon. A company (a firm client, just not a client I had worked for before) needed a loaner lawyer (there is actually a word for this arrangement: "secondment", who knew!) while they had a hiring freeze. One thing lead to another and as of today, I'm working full time in this company's office - I'm still employed by my firm, but my only client is this company. So I am sort of an in-house counsel, just being paid by my firm who in turn bills the client for my time.  It's all very strange.

So I'm learning a new job. I have a new "boss" who is also technically my client and I don't exactly know how this is going to work and how I'm supposed to act. I miss my co-works from my firm - I had two really good friends at work and I loved seeing them every day. But my 5 minute commute (yes, really!) is pretty incredible and the company is great as well.

My in-laws are here watching Julian this week and then our new nanny will start next week (we finally found someone, I don't think I mentioned that yet). I really like her and have high hopes for a great relationship, but I'm still nervous. She'll watch J all day and she'll watch both boys when Lukas gets out of school mid-afternoon. Thankfully Lukas seems to be loving his new preschool and is making friends. He's yet to say he doesn't want to go in the morning. He also seemed totally fine with mommy going back to work today. And Julian was happy to see me when I got home (although his happy screams of "DADA, dada" upon seeing me were kind of offputting...we think dada might just be his choice word when excited, or maybe I'm totally deluding myself).

I missed the boys while I was at work today, but not in the way you miss a 14 week old infant when you go back to work after maternity leave.  I missed them in the way that you miss anyone you love when you're away from them. Does that make sense?  I'm hoping that the very short commute and my work schedule (the plan is 8-4:30) will give me the best of both worlds - I continue lawyering and providing for my family (the 66% family income decrease was not easy, especially when you take into account the major student loans we both still have) and I get home earlier than I did in Atlanta and can use the extra time to focus on Quality time with the boys (yes, I capitalized the q). I plan on instituting a phone free zone from the moment I get home from work until both boys are in bed to help ramp up the quality.

I know today was just day 1.  And I know that my job is yet another change in a laundry list of changes going on in our house (with the new nanny being yet another change), so I need to be patient. I just sort of had hoped I'd come home today feeling either elated to be back at work and loving the "new" job or feeling totally miserable and heartbroken about being away from the boys. But I ended up somewhere in between.  And so continues my rollercoaster ride of being a working mom.

The Problem with Women

There are lots of articles out there about why women aren't in the higher ranks of the legal community.  Why there aren't as many female partners, never mind female equity partners.  Well, the answer is simple.  Women.  We are the problem.  And the backstabbing of one another, to be exact.  Rather than take an opportunity to lift another female attorney up and help her along the way, too often women don't celebrate each other's accomplishments.  Or women will refrain from offering support when support is needed in what is still largely an old boys' club.  The most deplorable offense is taking a stand AGAINST a fellow female attorney because she is asking for something that you didn't get (or perhaps weren't even strong enough to request yourself).

 

Case in point: A good friend of mine is pregnant with her first child.  Her firm's maternity policy (if we can even call it that) is 6 weeks of paid leave.  That's it.  So on day 43 she is expected to return to the office and pick right back up.  On day 43, when she will likely still be bleeding from her recovering postpartum vagina.  On day 43 when she likely won't even have gone in for her first postpartum obstetrician appointment.  On day 43 when her body has healed just enough to possibly have sex again for the first time postpartum. On day 43, when she is finally getting the hang of this nursing thing.  On day 43 which the La Leche League says is too soon to introduce a bottle if you want to have a successful nursing relationship.  On day 43, when her baby is unlikely to be sleeping more than 4-5 hours at a time (and that's if he's a good sleeper).  On day 43, when her hormones will still be a hot mess (and she'll possibly be suffering from postpartum depression, or the baby blues).  On day 43, when that baby who she loves dearly, finally looks at her and smiles for the first time after 6 weeks of giving all she has to meet his every need.  That's the day she's expected to go back to work. 

 

It is simply ridiculous.

 

I've told this dear friend as much and how I don't believe I could've left either of my children at 6 weeks.  It was hard enough to pull out of the driveway at 12 weeks.  She had already thought it would be tough to do, so she approached the partner she reports to and requested an additional 6 weeks of UNPAID leave. He then took her request up to the rest of the partners and she was just told that her request was denied.  Even though she's put in 7 years of service, they wouldn't allow her the standard (which is already too little) 12 weeks of maternity leave that most other firms in town offer.  This alone would've been bad enough.

 

Here's the kicker:  He told her that the reason the partners wouldn't grant her request was because one of the female partner swayed them against it.  SHE had only taken 6 weeks, so why should my friend need any more?  So that was that.

 

I don't have adequate words to describe how awful I think this is.  And my friend, she is just beaten down.  And I don't know what can be said to help her.  So her options at this point are to either quit or leave her newborn baby when he is 6 weeks old.  To go be a lawyer, with old men and women who won't stand together.

 

And this is why women aren't succeeding at the same rates as men. Period.

 

So what can we do?  Simple.  We can support each other.  We can understand that my decisions may be different from yours.  We can recognize the value in helping one another along.  We can lift up, rather than beat down.  We can set aside any "wrongs" we feel we've endured and help others to avoid those same pitfalls.  We can do whatever we can to help bring back the village. 

 

So the next time you have an opportunity to help another woman, think of how you would want to react if this woman was your sister, or your mother, or your aunt, or better yet, your daughter. Because one day, it will be your daughter, and don't you want her to have every opportunity out there.  Don't you want her to be supported and encouraged along the way?  I don't even have a daughter, but I know that I want to live in a world where women love one another and stop tearing each other down.  Perhaps I picked the wrong profession for compassionate women, but I know enough amazing female lawyers to know that is not the case.  I know plenty of women who go out of their way to do whatever they can for the advancement and success of others.  It is just unfortunate that all it takes is one bitter woman to ruin it for the rest of us.

 

So I beg you, women of the law, let us start standing together and stop this nonsense.  Our own happiness shouldn't be dependent on another's failure.  And there are men out there who want to support us, but why should they if we can't even support each other?

WAHM, of sorts

So we're still moving to Macon.  We don't know exactly when or where (house/neighborhood wise) we're going.  We have an appointment with our realtor next week to look at some more potential houses, which is exciting!  I plan on documenting the house hunt on the blog.  But more on that as it actually gets underway.

I have an update on my job situation and it's actually really exciting.  I will be more or less quitting (for lack of a better word) in about a month.  At that time I'll be unemployed and not working, like, at all.  So it's like a maternity leave without a newborn.  But with a big move.  But without legal work.  Hooray!  So I'll take about 6 weeks to move to Macon, get settled in (you know, find the grocery store, hook up the TV/internet/phone, find and enroll the boys in school, unpack), and get a home office up and running.  (All of which I realize can't happen until we actually buy a house. Details, details.)  And then sometime after Labor Day I'll start working with my firm again, but on a contract basis.  The details are still fuzzy and I'm not sure how much work I will be doing, but it is so exciting for a multitude of reasons. 

1.  A paycheck!  While we can make it on Mr. Cob's new government salary (thanks only to the much lower cost of living in Macon), it would be tight.  So my still bringing in some sort of paycheck is very exciting to us.  If I didn't bring anything in, our income would be going down by 66%.  Yes, SIXTY PERCENT LESS money coming in the door.  That's no chump change.  That's a whole LIFESTYLE change.  Thankfully, Macon is opening the door to that lifestyle change and we're grabbing hold, but it's still nice to have some of my money coming in the door.  Especially considering most of our family lives a plane ride away and the last time I checked flights were only getting more and more expensive.

2.  I continue getting to use my law degree and feel like those student loans weren't for naught.  I was not ready to walk away from my career.  Sure, there are days I hate it and moments I wish I'd never gone to law school in the first place, but for the most part I like having a career and making my own money.  I actually enjoy drafting legal documents and love marking up other people's documents (perhaps I should've been a school teacher given my love of the red pen?!).  So this arrangement allows me to continue being a lawyer without having to go find a new firm, which was a very scary prospect for me.  I've been with my firm for 11 years - for a year before law school, as a summer associate, and then the past 6.5 years!  I like my firm and my co-workers, so I'm happy to continue working with them.

3.  I get more flexibility, which is something I've craved since Julian was born.  There's no denying that the past 8 months have been hard for me with the juggling of work and motherhood. The long commute from the suburbs has only made that worse and most days I get home from work and have to put Julian to bed as soon as we walk in the door.  I'm getting very little time with him (and Lukas for that matter).  Working from my house on a part-time basis will give me back some of this wasted time.  No showering in the morning.  No commuting.  My productivity will increase and I can use that time to actually play with my boys.

4. I get time to move without having to worry about hurrying back to work.  I think that's pretty self explanatory.

There are some downsides to the arrangement, sure, but the positives outweigh the negatives.  I'm so excited my firm is working with me and allowing me to continue to be a part of the team.  Granted, I won't be an associate any longer and am therefore off the partnership track, but for me and for my family, the track isn't the number 1 priority.  I think so many lawyers focus on one way of doing it and my impression is that there's a certain stigma associated with being a "contract attorney".  But that's fine.  Being able to continue practicing law while also honoring what is best for my family is what is important to me.  And for the time being, I've found a way to do that!

The Swans are Swimming

And by swimming, I mean moving.  We've finally figure out where we're going after this little jaunt at my parent's house.  And it's not where I would've thought a month or so ago.  We're heading about 100 miles south of Atlanta... to Macon!  Bizarre turn of events, I know.

So it all started a few months ago.  Maybe February.  After the end of the sequester all of the United States Attorney offices in the country posted job announcements - all the offices needed lawyers and they wanted to fill the positions while they had money in their budgets.  Being an assistant US attorney (a federal prosecutor for the United States for you non-law folks) has been one of Mr. Cob's goals for a few years now.  So we talked and decided he should apply. He picked a few offices all over the country, sent in his resume, cover letter and writing samples, and then we sat back and waited.  And waited some more. 

Would fate bring us back to his home of Chicago or close to his parents in Grand Rapids?  Maybe closer to my brother in San Diego?  The US Virgin Islands would be a nice change of pace.  Or perhaps our current home, Atlanta, would call and we could continue on with our regularly scheduled life while Mr. Cob put away the bad guys.  We were open to any possibility, figuring we'd make a final decision once it was in front of us - no use cutting off potential jobs because of location before you're even offered something, right?  Detroit was the only city I was really hesitant about even considering, but he assured me there are some upsides to the city?  Admittedly, I secretly hoped someone else called before Detroit. 

So for months we just waited and Mr. Cob continued applying as more jobs opened up.

Then he got a call from Savannah and we got all excited and hoped we'd be moving to the beach.  Unfortunately that didn't work out.  A month or so later, San Antonio called and I fell in love with the idea of canals and everything being bigger in Texas (margaritas included, right?).  A great interview followed by a few weeks of waiting ended in another rejection.  At this point, Mr. Cob was getting a bit down.  It seemed his dream job wasn't going to happen.  It'd been months since he sent out his initial batch of resumes.  A few other "you were one of hundreds of well qualified applicants but unfortunately we cannot offer you an interview at this time" letters came in the mail.  Hope was running out.

But the flip side of not getting a call was staying in Atlanta and continuing with our life here.  We love our life here.  We love our friends and I have a great job.  We love the boys school and my parents are here.  At the end of the day, we always knew we'd be happy to live the rest of our lives here in the A.

And then the Middle District of Georgia called.  And an interview was scheduled.  For my 33 birthday no less.  So he went to Macon and thought the interview went well.  A few weeks later they called back and asked him to come down for a second interview.  He felt confident after the second interview, but wasn't ready to get excited.  We'd done the excitement thing before and feared another round of rejection.  I didn't even look at houses online this time (oh the restraint!).  And then we found out they called his references, and we started to get excited.  Then last Wednesday he got the call that has changed the course of our life: he got his dream job and I couldn't be prouder to be his wife!

He called me before formally accepting the offer and without even considering the alternative, I said yes.  Of course, yes.  This is a HUGE opportunity for him and there was no way we weren't going to take it.  There were (and still are) a lot of unanswered questions, but I knew that we had to jump.  It's what you do when you're married and your spouse needs your support.  I'm not sure what this means yet for my job/career - I realize it means it will now be taking a back seat to his career, but that's OK.  This decision is the best for our entire family.  We'll figure out my job as we go.  I know there are a lot of feminists who will think I am wrong for more or less walking away from a lucrative career, especially when you consider I'm leaving a few months before potentially being put up for partner.  But like I said, it's not just about me.  I'm in talks with my firm to try to work something out - part time or contract work, and hopefully that will work out.  But maybe it won't and maybe that means another door will open.  I no longer know the path my career will take, but I've decided that a fork in the road doesn't necessarily mean I'll hit a dead end.

I'm nervous about moving to a city where I know next to no one.  I'm leaving a huge support network here of great friends, and even harder to leave are my parents.  I know this won't be an easy transition.  I know it will take time and effort for me to make friends.  I know it could be isolating moving and staying home with two small children should that be my fate.  I know I am going to be have to put myself out there, which is scary.

But I also know that everything is going to work out.  I'm so excited for this adventure with my husband and our boys.  I'm excited to find our next house and make it a home.  I'm excited to explore a new town and hopefully fall in love with all it has to offer.  But yes, I'm also scared as hell.  Change is frightening, but change can also be amazing.  So here's hoping this change is for the best!

The First Year

I can't recall the date, or even the month, or really even what year it was, but sometime after Lukas turned 1 but before I was pregnant with Julian, a close friend and I met for drinks at some random bar at Atlantic Station.  No, now that I think about it, I was pregnant with Julian because I ordered an orange juice (great memory I've got here, really).  Anyway, we were sitting at the bar and I was eating a flat bread pizza and we were talking about working and life and trying to find the balance.  And in that conversation I remember discussing with her how it is a bad idea to make any major life changes in the first year of your baby's life.  And the one I was talking about specifically was work.  And more precisely, not quitting it.  I don't recall what lead to this conversation or where I was in my emotional well-being (or lack thereof) at the time, but this conversation has been ringing in my ears lately.

 

The first year with a new baby is hard stuff.  There's the lack of sleep; the teething; the uncertainty of what you're doing; the worry; the breastfeeding and leaky boobs and plugged ducts; the never-ending flow of laundry; the changing postpartum body and daily question of what in my closet fits today; there's a lot of poop; sometimes there's colic; did I mention the lack of sleep?; there's runny noses and daycare sniffles; and it's all wrapped in a shiny bow of postpartum hormones.  This is hard stuff without the added layer of working outside the home.  (And I don't say that to incite any mommy war on SAHM vs. working mom, they're both rough, but for purposes of this blog post and my life, I can only give the working mom perspective on this one, um-kay?) 

 

I remember the first year with Lukas was hard for all the above-mentioned reasons.  And I think a first baby comes along with its own brand of difficulty that lucky you don't experience the second time around because you are just a bit more relaxed.  You know it all works out and the baby will do what the baby will do regardless of your good intentions.  But this working mom thing has been equally as hard the second time around.  And I'm trying to remember that conversation with my friend about not making major changes in the first year of a baby's life.

 

When the baby is itty bitty, it's hard to hand them over to someone else every day and be apart from them.  I don't think it matters who your caregiver is - I adore Julian's teachers at Primrose and have all the faith in them to take care of him and love him.  I honestly wouldn't feel any "better" about being away from him all day, every day if he were being watched by my mom or even my husband.  It's the fact that I, his mommy, am not with him for the majority of our day. There are plenty of days where I sit in my office staring at his pictures and ask myself why I'm doing this.  Being apart is just hard on the heart when they're so tiny. 

 

And the breastfeeding.  Oh the breastfeeding.  Actually, its the pumping while working that is a pain.  Having to stop working 2 or 3 times a day, hook up to my machine and literally milk my boobs like a cow, is disruptive to getting work done and frustrating because my body has decided it can't make enough milk to keep up with my little guy's eating schedule, so I have to supplement with formula anyway.  I often wonder why I bother continuing to breastfeed if he's getting formula, but I can't seem to get over the hump and quit.  Perhaps I'm worried about the hormonal shift that comes along with weaning and the possible post-weaning depression that might await me again.

 

And I'm tired.  Julian is still not consistently sleeping through the night.  I'd say he's 50/50 for sleeping all night long versus waking once a night to eat.  So half of my days at work have me feeling like a zombie and I'm sure it takes me twice as long to do anything due to the lack of sleep.  I'm not at my most efficient, that's for sure. 

 

I could really use a 25th hour in the day.  Preferably spent working out for 30 minutes and playing with the boys for 30 minutes, as most of my days don't allow enough time for those important activities.  I wish I had more time.  I want more time with the boys.  I want more time for myself.  I want to fit in my jeans again.  I want to go running outside and blare my crappy music loudly.  I want to go to a yoga class. I want to make Julian laugh and hear him yell MAMA MAMA MAMA over and over again.  I want to read books with Lukas.  I want to pretend to be superwoman while he runs around the house in his Spiderman outfit.  I want to make a floury mess in the kitchen while cooking dinner with Lukas.  I want to dance around the house holding on to both boys.  I want to do this every day.  But there's just not enough time between 6:15 when we get home from work/school and 7:45 when its bedtime for the boys.  1.5-2 hours an evening isn't enough time.  And this is the working mom struggle I'm yet again feeling so strongly.

 

I know it will lessen as my baby becomes a toddler.  I know that from experience this time, which is more than I knew when Lukas was an infant.  But juggling it all is hard.  And sometimes I just feel like all the balls have fallen on the ground and that I'm a complete failure.  But even worse is the constant wonder and worry if I'll look back on this time and regret the choices that I've made.  Maybe playing in the kitchen is more important than the kitchen you're playing in.  I know that my career is more than just the money I make and the things that money allows us to buy.  I've worked hard to be where I am.  The degrees and debt say this is true.  If it weren't for the degrees and the debt I think it'd be a lot easier to walk away and decide that time with my children supersedes everything else.  I just don't know.

 

For now, I keep telling myself that it is the quality rather than the quantity of time with the boys that matters.  I think there is truth to that, but I also think it's partially something I say to get myself to accept being away from them all day.

 

I think that I just never realized how truly strong my love for my children was going to be.  I didn't know how life altering having them would be.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.  Those two boys have changed me.  And there is nothing in my world as important as the two of them.  So I just hope I'm doing what's best for them.  Which is what is at the root of my questioning - what is best for them?  And is it the same thing that is best for me?  I have absolutely no idea.

Back to Oversharing

As you may have noticed, I took a bit of a hiatus from the blog.  I didn't intentionally turn away from it, it just sort of happened.  Julian was born in July.  I had 12 weeks of maternity leave.  I have been back to work full time since early October.  And since about mid-October I've been on this nonstop rollercoaster of failing and sailing (you like what I did there?).

 

Post-partum hormones are for real y'all!  I mean, like whoa.  I can go from laughing and happy to sobbing and feeling pitiful in 2.2 seconds flat.  The husband is wondering where his wife went and when she's coming back.  But in all seriousness, I had a depressive spell that started around month 3 and lasted for a while (and is still hanging around on occasion).  It felt similar to my post-weaning depression I experienced with Lukas, only I was still breastfeeding, so I thought it might be postpartum.  It might have been.  I'm not sure. 

 

What I do know is that I started seeing a therapist again and I love her. I have decided that everyone should be in therapy, even if nothing is "wrong" with your life.  She didn't give me any sort of label (which is why I'm not sure if it was or was not PPD) and she didn't prescribe any meds (honestly, I was sort of hoping she'd say, here's your zoloft prescription, now be off on your merry way).  What she did do was listen.  And offer unbiased advice on how to navigate what I was feeling and experiencing. It helps that she's a working mom of 3, who also breastfed her kids, so she really can relate. I think I cried the first 30-45 minutes of our first visit as I told her what was going on in my life.  But the next week (yes, I went weekly for a while), I maybe only cried for 5 mintues when talking about how hard it is to leave a little itty bitty baby every day to go to a job. 

 

And it is hard to leave an itty bitty baby.  Period.

 

Julian still isn't consistently sleeping through the night.  So I'm sleep deprived.  I went 6 months with no more than 4 hours of sleep at any given time.  This alone didn't help the crying.  We eventually resorted to crying it out (Julian, not me), which did work after 3 nights.  Night one consisted of 2 solid hours of screaming and my getting very drunk.  It was awful, but it did work.  For a week.  And then J got sick and he's back to co-sleeping with us and nursing on and off all night long.  On the plus side, my milk supply has gone back up and I love waking up to his sweet face every morning.  And I even smile when I wake up in the middle of the night to his little hands searching for me.  But I'm tired.  Very tired.

 

So the depression has lifted and the sleep has slightly improved but I'm still having a hard time.  I'm trying to figure out how to be a good mom to these two little boys who mean the world to me.  I struggle daily with fears that I'm yet again making a bad decision by working rather than being a stay-at-home-mom for them.  I think this is a normal fear when you have an itty bitty baby.  It lessons when your child gets a little older, at least it has for me with Lukas.  But it's hard.  And I'm not 100% confident in the decision I've currently made (i.e. to continue practicing law). 

 

But I have made one change that has been hugely helpful (and which has allowed me the freedom to write about this issue on the blog): I'm no longer pretending to anyone like this isn't really, really hard.  It sort of happened by accident.  In December we were really busy at work and I was working a lot.  I was still crying a lot too.  And one day my boss stopped by to see how I was doing and I just lost it.  I was completely honest with him and told him that I was struggling with working this much and being a mom and even said that at this time I wasn't willing to put in the hours necessary.  I am not willing to give up the little time I have with the boys at night and on the weekends to work.  I refuse to do it.  I said all this very uneloquently in between huge sobs and tears.  It was not pretty.  I'm confident he thought I was going to quit.  I was seriously considered quitting.  And then a weight sort of lifted.  My worst work fear had happened.  I had had the complete and total meltdown in front of my male boss.  And nothing bad happened because of it.  (At least not yet.  If I'm going to be penalized because I admit that being a working mom is hard, well then my firm isn't the firm I think it is, nor is it somewhere I want to continue my career.)  So far, being honest about the struggle has only helped.  I've been told that it's OK to flex my time and that there is no problem with my schedule as long as I'm getting my work done.  Who'd have thunk?

 

It's still hard, but it feels more manageable now that I'm proceeding in an honest way.  I'm not having to fake a happy face every single day or act like I don't have kids where work is concerned.  The fact of the matter is that I am a mother. I am also a lawyer.  And I am not the same lawyer now that I am a mom.  It took me two kids to fully realize this.  I am not going to worry about what people think when I leave the office a 4:30 to pick up my children.  I'm going to say I am taking my son to his orthotist appointment or his physical therapy appointment (oh yea, did I mention that Julian has torticollis and plagiocephaly and has been wearing a helmet for 8+ weeks?) rather than tell my colleagues I have "an appointment".  And when daycare is closed, I am going to take the day off rather than plunk my kids in front of the TV for 8 hours while I continue working.  Work can wait.  My kids cannot.  End of story.

 

So that's what I've been up to. Life is beautiful and motherhood is amazing.  I love these boys with all my heart.  But I'm also a complete mess and struggle every day to figure out what the hell I'm doing.  And it would help if I could zip up my old jeans, which I can't.  (Not even close).  At least I'm honest about it all.

What the "Experts" Fail to Talk About

So thanks to the folks who have filled out my little survey!  So far, the lead contender for an increase in air time is Being a Working Mom.  It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts on this very hot button issue, so let's check in for an update.

If you read the news (and I consider Huffington Post and CNN to be the news), then you know the whole work-life-balance/working mom/can women have it all topic has been HOT HOT HOT lately.  From Marissa Mayer to Anne-Marie Slaughter and most recently Sheryl Sandberg's new book, the issue is all over the place.  And critics are hitting it from every angle.  Except for one.  People don't seem to talk about the emotinal side of being a working mom.

It's one thing to tell women to "Lean In" at work and take on more duties.  Or to let go of the mom-guilt and stop trying to be perfect in your appearance, house and child-rearing.  And to not set yourself up to fail by say jumping off the partner track before you even have a child.  These are all easy to say in a vacuum, but in reality, they are hard things to do.  And they are impossible to do without experiencing the feelings that go along with doing these things.

One article I read today highlighted a mother who said she didn't mind missing her daughter's 4th birthday because we all turn 4 and it's just another birthday.  The author applauded this mom for taking her career seriously and not letting mom-guilt eat her up for missing her daughter's birthday.  I say bravo to that woman, but that's not for all women.  That is not me.  Nor do I ever strive for that to be me.  I never want to be OK with missing my child's birthday.  No matter the cost.  There is no work accomplishment that I can think of that would make missing my kid's birthday OK.  And if I did have to miss the birthday, you can be damn sure I'd be torn up about it and have a hard time holding back tears when someone asks how it feels to be missing a milestone. 

I don't judge this woman for being OK with missing this event in her daughter's life.  To each her own.  But what I do find offensive is the insinuation that to be a successful working mom/career woman, you have to give up on the "mom" part a little.  You have to be OK with being a little less in your mom world.  And I am not OK with that.

I don't know if women can have it all.  I don't know if I want it all.  I do know I don't want it all if it means I'm not there for all the crucial aspects of my kids' lives.  And the hard part, when you're the mom, and especially when your kids are young, is that it all feels crucial.  It is hard to miss any of it.

Some days my son still cries and clings to my leg when I drop him off at daycare.  He is 2 years and 4 months old.  The last 7 days in a row he has begged me or my husband not to leave him.  These mornings are heartbreaking.  And we are leaving him somewhere that we love, with people who have become family to us.  But he is not with his mom or his dad.  For 9 hours a day, 5 days a week he is not with one of his parents.  That is more than a 3rd of his day spent apart from us.  And he is only 2 years old.  It breaks my heart when I really think about it.

I tell myself many things to get through the hours of 8-5 when we're apart.  I tell myself that he is thriving at school.  That he is such a cheerful boy and his social skills are stellar.  I tell myself that his teachers do more with him at school than I would do at home - they draw, they paint, they sing songs.  I tell myself that he is happy and what more could I possibly want or hope for him.  I tell myself these things daily.  But I'm not sure I believe them.  Yet I keep telling myself them.  I will them to be true.  Perhaps they are.  But I have doubts and I have guilt and I have a deep fear that I'll regret the decisions I'm making today in the future.  I worry I'll feel as though I missed his childhood.  That I wasn't there enough.

And while this isn't one of those posts to boost other working mom's up and convince you that you too can do it, it is an honest post.  It is a struggle for me to be a full-time working mom.  Some days are very hard.  I miss my son when I am at work.  I have no less than ten pictures of him up in my office so I can look at his smiling face while I'm away.  I watch videos of him on my iphone while I'm eating my lunch.  I race to daycare at 5pm eager to see him, as picking him up is the best part of my day.

While the world keeps debating the "having it all" question, I hope people start talking about the feelings of it a little more.  Because I think it's important for us working moms to admit that sometimes we aren't tough like men and we do feel very strong emotions about being away from our children all day.  And I'm not ready to simply push those feelings aside in order to just lean in.  I'm pretty sure I couldn't even if I tried.  And for me, I don't want to try.

Some Days This is Really Tough

It's hard to relate to a 2 year old.  I wish I knew what his cries always meant.  I wish I knew where his tantrums were coming from.  I wish I could convince myself that what happened this morning didn't really happen.  Because it's days like today where I am convinced I am doing it wrong.  That I should in fact be home with my little guy.

He woke up happy enough.  He jumped up in bed the second he heard me open his door.  He greeted me with "momma, I pooped."  Strangely enough, he did not, but I thanked him for letting me know.  He asked to see daddy, so we climbed the stairs and he ran to give daddy a hug.  Daddy told him to go back downstairs and let momma get him dressed for the day.  And this is when the morning went downhill.

Back in his room he unzipped his jammies and held on to me as he kicked his feet out.  And then he sort of lost it as I took his diaper off.  He rolled on the floor naked saying "no mommy" and kept picking up the new diaper and throwing it.  I tried to divert his attention by asking him if he wanted to throw the dirty diaper in the trash (something he usually loves to do).  He just kept saying no mommy.  And then he half heartedly hit me on the face.  Hitting = automatic 2 minute time out.  He marched his little naked tush and sat on the stairs.  Afterwards he said he was sorry, we gave hugs and kisses and said I love yous.  And then it went down hill again.

Back in his room he asked to throw away the dirty diaper.  The one I had already thrown away while he was in time out.  Screams.  Sobs.  Hot tears.  Somehow I was able to get a new diaper and clothes on him as he screamed and cried.  Daddy tried to reason with him, to no avail.  So I did the only thing I could think, I hugged him and we rocked for about 5 minutes.  I just kissed his head and hugged him tight.  Eventually he calmed down and let me hold him and snuggled in to momma.

It was time to leave for school, so I carried him to the kitchen and gave him some string cheese for the ride.  A few more tears where shed with the realization that we were out of waffles.  But daddy did his best to convince him to go.  Usually when my boys leave in the morning they both stop to hug and kiss me at the door, but Lukas didn't want mommy.  He cried harder when daddy told him to hug me.  I said it was OK.  That they should just go.

I stood at the door as they walked down the front path.  Lukas started sobbing again and mumbled something about mommy.  At first we both thought he was saying "no mommy".  But eventually we both realized he was yelling "I want to stay with mommy".

And this is when my heart broke a little.

Being a working mom is awful some days.  Today would be one of those days.

UGA Law 5 Year Reunion

This year marks 5 years since I graduated law school.  This means I've known the friends I've made in law school for 8 years.  Since I was 23 years old.  These "law school friends" are arguably some of the best I've made my entire life.  They've been with me through really hard times (the first year of law school comes to mind...finals...the bar exam...to name a few).  They've also been with me through some of the happiest times of my life (meeting my now husband...celebrating with us at our wedding...throwing me my baby shower...supporting me as a new mom....and this list could go on and on).

These women are my sisters.  I love them more than I could ever express.  And I am impressed and awed by them all.  I am lucky to have them as friends.

We all met in Athens this weekend to celebrate 5 years of lawyering 8 years of friendship.  What I recall of the weekend was fabulous.  We drank too much wine.  We laughed.  We reminisced.  A tear or two may have been shed.  We shopped.  We laughed some more. 

I'm always sad the day after spending a weekend with my ladies because I know it'll be months before we're all back together again. And while I may often regret having gone to law school, I'd do it all over again because I can't imagine not having you girls in my life!

Until next time....

My Mental Health Update

Because I just can't help but overshare, I'm back to talk about my mental health.

I feel like me again.  Actually, I started feeling like me again within a few days of starting on Zoloft.  I suspect this was the medication working.  My anxiety lessened.  My constant fear of failing at everything in my life lifted.  And most important, the immediate screaming voice inside my head urging me to make a sudden major life change finally shut up.  I no longer need to change everything in my life at that very moment.  And that was how I was feeling before I started on the antidepressant.

I do think the medicine is to thank for the quick fix and lifting the dark veil that I was swimming under.  But I also think the therapist helped me sort out things in my head.  And things were quite muddled in my head.  I yet again felt like I was doing my child a disservice by working.  I had convinced myself (again) that he was better off with me than in school all day long.  Finally after talking to my therapist, I realized the root of my problem: I had somehow developed the notion that the only way to be a good mom was to ONLY be a mom.  I was telling myself that I was already failing because I was not devoting all of my time and energy into being a mom.  I wasn't taking this mom thing seriously because it wasn't all I was doing.  I really thought that I wasn't a good mom since I had another title other than "mom".

My therapist helped me see the flaw in this reasoning (if you can even call it that).  Being a good mom is not dependent on being "just" a mom.  I can be a good mom AND also be a lawyer.  And perhaps, some of the things that make me a good mom are because I'm more than "just mom". 

We talked about the reasons I thought I'd be happier staying at home with Lukas.  And we talked about what the reality of that change would look like day to day.  We talked about the difficulties my SAHM friends tell me they have and my fears that I'd have those same difficulties, plus some.  We talked about how happy Lukas really is at school and how he's developing socially and why I think I need to change his environment when he really is thriving.  We talked about the fact that I'm jealous of my stay at home mom friends, but at the same time I'm thrilled to go to work and be an "adult" most days of the week.  We talked about how I love the people I work with and how my boss is amazing.  We talked about how I'm lucky to have female mentors at my firm who are mothers and are paving the way for more mom-partners at the firm.  We talked about what all I've done to get to this point in my career and whether or not I could really leave it behind to "just" be a mom.  We talked about what is really important to me and she helped me discover that I really do want more kids sooner rather than later even though that might slow my career a little.  We talked about my friendships and how friendships change when one friend becomes a mom and jumps into that new life when the other friend is still childless and unattached.  We talked about effectively communicating with your spouse. 

We're continuing to talk.

Before getting a therapist for myself, I didn't know the benefits of having one.  But now I think everyone really can benefit from some therapy.  And you might be surprised by the things that come out of your mouth when you're talking to an unbiased third party.  I know I was.

This whole experience has been a big lesson for me.  I realized that I was worried about what people would think about my decision to take an antidepressant and see a therapist.  I didn't want anyone to know.  I was worried about being judged.  I even went so far as to decide to stop writing this blog because I didn't want you all to know what was really going on in my head and my life.  I wanted to keep up the appearance that I have it all together.  That I was "doing it all".  

But instead of being judged, I was embraced and reminded that I'm not alone.  Other moms go through these exact same feelings of insecurity and questioning.  And for those of you that have and continue to reach out and share your own experiences and troubles with being a mom, I thank you. 

You’re Not Alone: Trying to Do It All

My new post on DrZ is up!  Please check it out and leave a comment, like, and/or share!  Being a working mom is not an easy gig!  Enjoy!

You’re Not Alone: Trying to Do It All

Therapy Has Been Good

I need to say a big thank you to my amazing readers, friends and family.  I didn't give y'all enough credit.  I thought I would be judged for admitting the truth about my struggles and for the course of action I'm taking to deal.  But I should've known that there would be no judgement.  The response to my last post was only that of love.  And understanding.

I was honestly shocked by the emails, texts and messages I received.  As it would turn out, I'm not alone in this.  Some of my friends who I have always thought had it "totally together" admitted to struggling with anxiety or depression, or both.  Others shared that they too were taking antidepressants.  And yet others shared the fact that they were in therapy and wished me well in my own.  This outpouring of support has been amazing.  So thank you to all of you who have shared your own honest, personal stories with me.  It means more than I can tell you.

I've had some insightful conversations over the past week that have truly helped me put things in perspective.   Some with friends.  Others with my fantastic therapist.  I realized that while I have always thought myself to be very open and honest on this blog, I tend to put a positive spin when writing about whatever it is I'm going through.  Perhaps without even realizing I was doing it.  I try to find the happy in everything.  I do believe happiness is a choice and most of the time I choose to be joyful and see the glass half full.  Or my writing portrays that.  I think in a way I've wanted to believe I could do it all with a smile on my face.  I wanted to hide the struggle and the questioning.  I wanted to give others hope that they could do it too.  I was putting pressure on myself to have it all together.  And that's just not what was going on.


The past few months have been a perfect storm of "too much" in my little life.  I stopped nursing Lukas, which alone was a highly emotional experience for me.  Mix in the change in hormones.  Add on extreme pressure at work, being at least 2 men down on our team for a few months, and my busiest month of billing in five years.  Throw in worry about my mom being sick (she's fine, we've thankfully just learned) and her and my dad going away on an extended trip.  A good mom-friend moved away.  All combined with feeling like I wasn't spending enough time with Lukas or my husband and never catching up on the laundry, the grocery shopping, phone calls with friends or partaking in my favorite hobby (writing).  The result was just an emotional meltdown.


I am thankful that the antidepressant worked so quickly.  I am thankful it was there to get me over the hump. I wish I hadn't waited so long to call my doctor to get the prescription.  I wish I had listened to my girlfriends when they urged me to call my OB.  Next time I will know not to wait so long.  Next time I won't allow myself to feel "defeated" for not being able to handle my mental health on my own.  Modern medicine is a gift and sometimes it is needed.  This time, in this instance, it was totally needed.


I'm starting to feel more like myself again.  I hope/think my post-weaning hormones are getting back to normal.  I no longer feel an immediate urgency to change something in my life.  My need to make a rash life shift has gone away.  Thankfully I didn't act on my swinging emotions without giving myself time to figure out what I really want.  I'm not sure what that is yet.  But I'm going to keep trying to figure it out.


In the meantime I'm going to give myself a break.  I'm going to take off all the pressure and just roll with life and see where we go.

TTT - Can I Get a Hand?

In this week's episode of Toddler Tips Tuesday, we're going to talk working mom tips.  This may seem obvious to everyone else, but in case it's not (and because I don't have the brain capacity to come up with some earth shattering tip at the moment) here is my tip for this Tuesday: ask for help when you need it.

June is historically my busy month at work.  This June is no different and due to some unavoidable circumstances my group is down a few key players right now, which makes this busy month even busier for me.  In a nutshell, I have more work than I can possibly keep up with.  But I'm doing the best I can and weeding out most extracurricular activities (hence the lack of blog posts).

Today marks my 9th day in a row at the office.  Meaning that I worked IN THE OFFICE both Saturday and Sunday this week.  Our daycare isn't open on Saturdays or Sundays, so that meant I needed to make arrangements for Lukas.  My parents kept him Friday night through Saturday afternoon and then Mr. Cob kept him all day Sunday.  Working all weekend also meant that I couldn't run any of the usual weekend errands.  But my boys did the grocery shopping for the week and Mr. Cob took Lukas on the scheduled play date.  Mr. Cob folded all the laundry and took care of the yard.  He's been making dinners or taking us out to eat.  My mom even sent us home with food and a girlfriend fed my boys on Sunday afternoon.

A year ago I would've been really upset about missing both full weekend days with my little guy and husband.  I would've wondered why I'd had a baby when I had to put him in day care all week and not even get to spend every waking hour with him on the weekends.  I certainly would have felt extreme guilt about not "raising" him myself.

While I wouldn't go so far to say that I love working all weekend, I now know that  I'm not a bad mom for being a working mom who has to work long hours and sometimes all weekend. How do I know this?   In the 24 hours that my mom watched Lukas this weekend she taught him how to say circle, "momma work", and noodle.  She convinced him to eat fruits that I can't get him to touch and she also taught him to jump into the pool. When I walked in my parent's house Lukas looked up at me, smiled and yelled MOMMA, but continued to read on the sofa with my mom.  He was happy to see me, but was clearly continuing to thrive without me.  


On Sunday, Mr. Cob didn't keep the same strict schedule with Lukas that I usually set.  He took a nap an hour later than usual and he gave him some snacks I wouldn't have chosen.  But Lukas was happy and still went to bed on time without a fight that night.  We have different parenting styles, but both work equally well.  (A fact I have to periodically remind myself.)  And my husband loved spending the entire day with his son without having to compete (my word) with me for Lukas' attention.  What can I say, he's a momma's boy, but I know it can be hard for Mr. Cob to hear Lukas always ask for me instead of him, and the least I can do is step out of the way once in a while.  


So instead of looking at my "lost weekend" with mommy guilt (as I would have a year ago), I now see the weekend for what it was: I gave Mr. Cob the gift of daddy time and my mom the gift of grandma time.  And it's OK that other people were doing the things that I "should" have be doing myself.


I'm not a bad wife for not being able keep up the house, always watch our son, iron my husband's shirts and make breakfast, lunch and dinner with a smile.  I'm a good mom and wife for helping to financially support our family and continue to succeed in my chosen career path.  I'm a good mom and wife for maintaining an identity that is important to me other than "mom" and "wife".  I'm a good mom and wife.  Period.

I think as moms and wives we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves and feel as though our little world will fall apart if we're not always there holding it together.  But we need to give ourselves a break and know that the world will continue to spin, with or without us.  We need to accept the help when it is offered.  And more, we need to ask for help when we  get in over our heads and are having trouble continuing to swim.

You're Not Alone

Have you ever been up at 3 o’clock in the morning, rocking your teething baby to sleep for the third time in two hours?

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No More Faking It

Warning, I realize the title of this post is probably misleading.  While I chuckle at the thought of a post about orgasms, or lack thereof, this is not that post.  Sorry to disappoint.  Or, if you're related to me, you're welcome.

After over four and a half years of practicing law, I finally feel like I know what I am doing in my little world of transactional banking law.  Instead of faking confidence on a phone call, I finally have it. Real confidence.  I came to that realization this week, and it's a good feeling.  Although I'm not going to revel in it too long, because history is sure to repeat itself and the ground always shifts when my feet finally feel firmly planted.  But for now it feels good.

My client called and said he was having problems with a deal and could I please call the other party's counsel to discuss the issue.  Sure, I said, I'm happy to do so.  (As attorneys, we are in the service industry and making your clients happy is the name of the game.  Unhappy client = no work = no money.  This is important to remember.).  So he sent me the contact information and I looked up the other lawyer online, as I always do.  I like to see who's going to be on the other end of the phone.  This is usually a mistake.

Male.  Much older.  Partner.  Great.

I geared up for the possible puffed-out-chest thing that some older male lawyers like to pull on a young female and dialed the number.  And the next thing I knew, it was as if I was over my body listening to myself talk calmly and intelligently, convincing this other attorney that my way was the right way.  There was no shred of an insecure, nervous new attorney talking.  That woman doesn't exist in me anymore.  And it feels really good.

Now if only I could keep this composure when talking to my 16 month old son when he's having a meltdown.  That requires true negotiating skills that I'm not sure I've acquired yet.  Let's hope I make some serious strides in that area before the little man turns 2...

Am I Lying to Myself?

I sometimes wonder if I'm just lying to myself about the "fact" that I do not want to be a stay-at-home-mom.  And on days like today, I'm pretty sure it's just this elaborate lie I've convinced myself is true in order to not have a mental breakdown.  Because if I'm being honest, today I wanted nothing more than to stay at home with my little guy.

I knew this would happen.  It always does after a vacation.  I've spent the last ten days with my guys.  I loved every minute with them.  We had so much fun and I got baby hugs and kisses all day long.  Lukas is in such a fun stage where everything is so interesting to him and he is constantly learning about the world. Am I missing this by being at work all day?  Am I going to look back and regret this?  I've told myself that its not the amount of time that we spend together, but that we make the most of the time we do spend together.  Quality over quantity.  But is this complete bullshit?  Am I just deluding myself into believing this lie?

It didn't help that on our trip we were with my nephew and my brother.  Lukas and Stuart were so sweet together and I was so happy seeing them play.  I was also sad because I know it's only a few times a year now that they'll be able to play together.  But it was time I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

The happiness captured in this picture is how I want to always feel.  Sheer joy.  And you're not even seeing the joy that is in the face behind the camera.  You can be sure I had a huge smile on my face.

And this one.  The boys playing at the park together.  Wherever one went, the other was right behind.

 And the petting zoo - they both couldn't get enough of feeding the goat.  A memory I'll keep forever.

So I know part of my sadness this morning was not just about being apart from Lukas, it was also due to the  reality of being back home and away from family.  I cried the minute our car pulled out of the driveway at my aunt's house as I was waving to Brent and Stuart.  I'm tearing up now just thinking about them and our trip.  I wish we lived in the same city.  Perhaps one day we will again.

This morning was especially bad because Lukas wouldn't let go of me when we got to school.  He now does this thing where he curls up his legs and refuses to put his feet on the ground if I'm holding him and he doesn't want me to put him down.  He just clings on to my neck and starts crying.  I couldn't just leave him.  So I stayed for a while.  Eventually though, I knew I had to go. His teacher came over and held him while I left.  He was reaching out for me and screaming the entire time.  I cried.  It is one of the worst feelings as a mom - to see and hear your child cry out for you and still walk away.  It goes against every maternal instinct.  But I had to leave because I work, and this is what I've signed up for right now.  But it was terrible.  And I felt like a bad mom, yet again.  The feelings of guilt and questioning came rising up to the surface.

I made some quick comment to Keri, the school owner, as I was leaving about how hard it is to leave when your little man is begging you to stay.   She smiled and gave me an understanding look and encouraging word.  I left and drove to work in tears.  By the time I sat down at my desk and loaded my computer, I had an email from Keri waiting for me.  She wanted to let me know he was happy and already smiling rather than crying.  And she sent me this picture to prove it.

This is why I love Primrose and Keri and the whole crew there.  And so while I am questioning whether or not I'm a liar, I at least feel confident that Lukas is at a great place.  Even if he's not with his momma.  They care enough to make sure I know he is smiling after I leave.