All Together Now

At the request of my friend Katie, I bring to you the latest recording of your all-time favorite children's song courtesy of my beloved husband.

Did I forget to mention that Mr. Cob is German????

TTT - Water Babies

Cob here. Mrs. Swan’s month of insanity continues and so continues my ongoing series of shameless humblebrags cleverly disguised as tips. (Mom, just google humblebrag). It's summer time and you know what that means, its time to officially give up on the Cubs. Oh, and swimming, yes that’s my point swimming.


As Mrs. Cobb reminds me anytime I take a bath, I am not a strong swimmer. I don’t know why. My parents had me in swim lessons at 6 months old. You see my family has a lake house and my dad’s theory, and it isn’t a bad one mind you, was that if that kid falls in the water, we need to make sure he doesn’t sink like a stone – I need five or six seconds to jump in after him.

So though I am decidedly unstone-like (too much hair) I am not a good swimmer. I recall being in swim lessons and my younger siblings usually started at a higher level than and definitely finished all 12 levels, by the time I was even allowed me into the deep end of the pool. Talk about embarrassing. But let me should clarify. Though I am not a good swimmer, I love diving in the water and swimming around. I just get really tired, really fast, probably because I am doing it all wrong.

Mrs. Swan, was a fantastic competitive swimmer growing up. If she hadn’t torn her rotator cuff her senior year, she might have even given swimming a go in college. She is what we call a strong swimmer; I call her a show off. Nonetheless swimming and playing in the water is part of some of our fondest childhood memories. We want the same for Lukas.

So it is important to us that Lukas is at least comfortable in the water. Personally I hope he takes after Mrs. Swan in terms of ability, though both of us aren’t sure if we want him to be doing the whole swim team at 4am thing. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

So this summer’s mission is comfort. Two reasons. First, the water is a ton of fun, but sometimes kids get quite scared of it. Second, and more importantly, our family vacations involve the water, and I don’t see that changing for quite some time. With Mrs. Swan’s parents we typically go to the beach. With my parents it is the lake house, where Pop-Pop is constantly muttering about kids who sink like stones.

Our plan to make Lukas comfortable is going well, some might say swimmingly. (Yeah, roll your eyes. Whatever, you’re just jealous.) On Saturday, at grandma’s pool he tried to just walk down the steps into the water while we were still putting our bags down. It seems he is comfortable. Quite a difference, at the beginning of the summer he was very nervous around the pool.

The plan all started with running through the sprinkler. Lukas has water days at school every Thursday and while he was hesitant the first water day, seeing other kids run through it apparently told him that it was all right. He now goes nuts in the sprinkler and at the splashpark in the Old Fourth Ward of Atlanta. (If you are in ATL, check it out, it is just off North Ave., near the Masquerade. Pretty awesome).

So the sprinklers got him used to water and splashing, but it took some silliness to get him to actually enjoy going in the water with us. Initially Lukas did not like simply being held in the middle of the pool, swimming in our arms. He would get close to throwing a fit if you tried to take him off the steps at the side of the pool. We overcame that by me throwing him. No, not like that. Lukas loves to be thrown in the air and caught. I started doing this in the water and simply catching him as he meets the water. This got him used to water splashing on him and to submerging a bit into the water. Here is a tip though, make sure the kid is wearing a water shirt. I tried throwing him when he had no shirt on and catching him was darn near impossible. Apparently toddlers are very slippery.

So, he stands in shallow water, he will get thrown in the air, he tolerates swimming around in the middle of the pool with mama and dada. The last thing was going underwater. It had already happened once or twice, and it wasn’t even my fault – he usually fell over in a baby pool and went under – but it would really scare him. It would scare us too. Mrs. Swan and I had read that you should blow in his face and then just dunk him: apparently blowing in his face makes him hold his breathe. That system is all well and good, but the face blow/dunk method doesn’t give the kid much choice and at the end of the day, we weren’t convinced it was making him all that comfortable going underwater.

The solution was discovered by accident and like most of my parent breakthroughs it came about because I am a silly, silly man. I was holding Lukas and I dunked my own head, came up blowing water out my mouth and growling. He thought it was hysterical and starting point at the water saying “Dada… Dada! More… more!” So I kept dunking my head for about two minutes. I then was tired. And then it happened. He started bending his face to the water and dipping his face in. The game then became Dada tries, then Lukas tries. I am pleased to report that Lukas has since fallen over in baby pools and gone under, but he now comes up laughing, having held his breath the whole time. Success? Kind of.

One problem. When I taught him to dunk his face I would do an exaggerated inhalation. You know mouth open, audibly sucking in air. And I wouldn’t close my mouth until I started to tilt my head down. So of course, having never seen me close my mouth, Lukas started to hold his mouth open and stick his face in the water, with his mouth still open. For those of you scoring at home, this is not what we were trying to teach him. This is in fact the opposite of what we were going for. So, the new technique is to inhale, puff cheeks like some sort of chipmunk and then dunk our head. He has caught on, and is no longer trying to drink the pool.

So, is Lukas a fish? No, he is a little boy. Does he like to swim? I think so. Most importantly for us, he seems to not panic anymore if he ends up underwater. I suppose the take away point I got from all of this is that if you can make something that is scary, like going underwater, seem silly, even fun, it goes a long way to getting your child to see there is nothing to be scared of. So be a goofball.

TTT- Stay in Touch

Cob here.  I was initially concerned about my idea for this week's toddler tip since it is about Skype and I thought that if you are reading an online blog, odds are you know all about Skype.  However, I learned that Swans are Nesting has a significant number of print subscribers.  Apparently, Mrs. Swan has hired a number of paperboys in select cities who hand deliver her posts.  On days when Mrs. Swan has a couple of ideas (or drinks) in her, these paperboys need to leave class and Mrs. Swan provides them with a forged note from their parents.  Suffice to say, it turns out that there are many of you who will be reading this who have not heard of Skype.  It also turns out that many of those same people don't know what a computer is, but maybe my description of Skype will encourage you to finally give in and purchase an Interweb Box Machine (IBM).¹

                Skype is a free program that you can download off the web (just google or Bing! It) that permits you to make video phone calls to anyone else who has Skype.  All you need to do is download the program, set up an account and you are good to go.  Wait… you also need a camera...  and a computer, print subscribers.  Also, the other person needs a Skype set up.

That's right.  The future has arrived.  Every movie about the future featured video phone calls, like Back to the Future (fun!) and 1984 (bad!).  My experience with Skype has been more like Back to the Future than 1984 and it is great for our family.  My parents are in Chicago, so they do not get to see Lukas very much.  So are my brother and sister.  My brother in law (Mrs. Swan's brother if you are scoring at home) is in California, along with our nephew STU! (that's how Luke says it).  The ability for them to see Lukas and for Lukas to see them routinely is invaluable.  No, it is not the same as seeing him in person, but anyone who asks my parents, or STU!, would say it is definitely worth it.

If you think your family members might be reluctant or if they are not good with computers ("The internet is a series of tubes!") you can kind of force Skype on them, assuming they already have a computer. Newegg.com, Amazon.com, and even Best Buy have deals on webcams, and sometimes you can get a set of two or three, so you can pick up cameras for everyone you care about and want to Skype with.  That is what we did with my parents (though they are more computer savvy than most); we bought a two pack of cameras and gave one to them for Christmas. 

Now those of you who already know about Skype have probably fallen asleep by this point.  To some of you, this is yesterday's news.  However, I do have some tips and uses for Skype that I would like to share with you.  First, if you are buying a new laptop, and can afford the laptop with the built in camera, do it.  Here's why.  Sometimes Lukas wants to show Nana and Pop-Pop a new toy in his room, he will sprint from the living room, where we are talking, to his room.  He will not wait for the computer set up to be moved.  With a built in webcam – you can chase him to his room, doing your best to keep him on camera.  Also, when you get to his room, you can simply put the computer down and continue recording; with an separately plugged in webcam the process is a bit more difficult.

Second, having family and friends on the computer can help you get stuff done around the house.  No, you can't turn on the Skype and go wash your car, or paint the fence, but hear me out.  Sometimes, when I have to make dinner and Mrs. Swan is working late or out with friends, it sure helps to have Nana and Pop-Pop available to talk and entertain Luke.  He loves it when Nana sings itsby bitsy spider, and let's be honest, the hand gestures (brought to you by Skype) make that song.  It's a little light on plot – SPOILER ALERT – he goes up the spout again.  Many times that song, or the wheels on the bus (much richer plot, IMO), buys me some time to make his dinner.  Also, Lukas is particularly cute at dinner, offering Nana and Pop-Pop (that is, the computer screen) bites of olives or strawberries and basically showing off by how well he can spoon yogurt onto his shirt.  So I don't think I am out of line in saying that Nana and Pop-Pop like babysitting a little bit while I am making dinner.

If you live more than a few hours from grandpa and grandma, Skype can really help share the magic moments of your life with those you wish could be there with you. So consider this post my ringing endorsement of Skype.  In the words of Chicago legend Ferris Bueller "[Skype], it is so choice.  If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up."

[1]  Full Disclosure:  Most, if not all, of this first paragraph is a lie.  You're welcome!   

TTT - Choices

Cob here. So two weeks in a row with some Toddler tips. Have you been able to figure out that June is Mrs. Swan’s busy month (one of them at least).

Mrs. Swan: Cob. Cob? Cob! COB!

Me: *snort* Uh, I’m up! I’m up.

Mrs. Swan: Seriously, its 7:30, I just put Lukas to bed, how are you already asleep?

Me: Look I read a lot of stuff today… Perez Hilton had an exclusive interview with J. Beib’s kitten, Professor Chiltonton. I am beat.

Mrs. Swan: Okay, well, I’m in a bind and despite my instincts, I was hoping you might have some more tips or thoughts… no dick jokes.

Me: Well… I did have one idea… hmmm, no dick jokes though, so… let’s just post this recipe I saw in Decent Homekeeping last week. It was the winning recipe for gazpacho at the 14th annual Northeast Georgia Pudding Jamboree and Tepid Soup-Off.

Mrs. Swan: Just go back to sleep, I’ll figure something out.

Me: Great.

So I went back to sleep, but I awoke some 8 hours later, at 3 in the morning with a cry. “Epiphany!” Mrs. Swan then cried out as well, also excited at my brilliant idea.

Me: I got it! I can write that post. No need to break out the Gazpacho recipe!

Mrs. Swan: What?! Ah, Fine… Jesus.

Choices. That is this week’s tip. Through my research (read: Trial and Error), I have learned that one way to manage Lukas’ tantrums is to give him a choice. Doctors might call this preventative medicine. Those same doctors might also tell me “you can’t let a 19 month old make choices for himself or he will be some kind of pantless cupcake addict.” To that I would say, “Listen doc, these are not real choices, it is the illusion of a choice. Yes doctor, I trick my child, a little bit. It is good for him, I think.”

Choices. It is apparent that Lukas, despite his small stature, believes himself to be nearly a full grown person. We have come realize that when Lukas needs to do something he doesn’t want to do, the best way to prevent a tantrum is to offer him an option; the thing he doesn’t want to do, or something worse. It was the same reason I hung out with persons of questionable moral character in college – I looked a heck of a lot better considering the alternatives. Eh Mrs. Swan? In all seriousness though, choices have really helped and it empowers the little guy to a certain degree.

We first noticed this when it came to clothes. See, the little nudist began to protest against clothes and the social conventions associated with them. So one day Mrs. Swan got out three shirts, each of them somewhat acceptable, and simply asked him what shirt he wanted to wear. He chose and then we put it on and he didn’t complain that much. Amazing. We continued this practice.

Food as well. Our pediatrician told us that one way to get around this picky eating problem was to give him a couple of options on his plate. At first, we gave him one thing he liked and three things he didn’t. He basically just ate the thing he liked. Game on. Next we gave him four things he kind of liked and out of either acceptance, or confusion, he tended to eat three or four things. Now we give him four options and include in it some of his favorites (strawberries) and for some reason he tends to eat some of the stuff her doesn’t like (i.e., green foods). Success, via the scientific method (Note: I am only a recreational scientist).

Probably the greatest example of the power of choices was today:

Mrs. Swan: Luke, do you want to take a bath?

Luke: Yeh!

Me: Did he just say…

Mrs. Swan: You want to take a bath?

Luke: Yeh! (begins taking off shirt – gets stuck on head – falls on his butt)

Baths have been few and far between the last two or three weeks. He has been crying through most of them and the baths were more like glorified sponge baths rather than proper baths, with Lukas standing and crying (no booty immersion) and with Mrs. Swan asking him to sit down for five minutes until eventually just scrubbing him while he stands. Tonight, bath time was a pleasure, like it used to be.

Admittedly, things are easier now that he can say “Yeh!” and “Nooooo.” And bear in mind we are not complete idiots – he doesn’t get to choose everything and sometimes we have to put our foot down – but I would be remiss if I didn’t note how much giving him some choices has helped. So the next time you see us in public, and Lukas is wearing Purple, Red, Yellow, and Brown, don’t blame me, blame him. It was his call. As for my outfit…well I get to choose my clothes too… and there is nothing you can do about it. If Lukas gets to choose, I do too!

Toddler Tips Tuesday: The Dad Perspective

For this week's edition of "Toddler Tips Tuesday" we have a guest writer - my man, Mr. Cob.  I hope you enjoy his tip(s)!

Cob here.  So Ms. Swan said to me the other day “wow you are a great Dad.  How do you do it?  Though you are truly the most handsome,funny, brawny, gorgeous, hilarious, and strong man this side of the Mason-Dixon,and surely most of that is from your fine gene pool, you must have some tips you can offer the rest of the common men out there to help them become such great dads.  Can you please share them next Tuesday.”

“998, 999, 1000… Sure,” I said putting down the fifty pound dumbbells, “I think there are a couple things that I do that other people might find helpful.”

So here we are.  Let me first say that in our parenting of Lukas, Ms. Swan is certainly the person doing the heavy lifting right now.  Most notably, up until the last week or so she almost exclusively handled the bedtime duties – as we are starting to wean Luke, I have now taken over the night time duties. And to be perfectly honest, the only real thing that I think I do well as a father is act as Ms. Swan’s foil. 

I understand that children, especially toddlers, need consistency and certainly mom and dad need to be united in the way they handle certain issues (tantrums) that arise. But I think the most valuable thing I offer, and that any dad or partner can offer their mate is, where appropriate, being the antithesis of your partner.

Ms. Swan has been nurturing and been a lot closer to Lukas than I have.  This is true both physically and to a certain degree emotionally.  Though he sometimes calls out for Da-Da, make no mistake, he wants his Ma-Ma more.  And that is ok.  As a result, Ms. Swan is sometimes reluctant to let Lukas try new things and to trust him to not hurt himself.  I am not. It is not because I am lazy or inattentive – it is because I feel that in order for him to truly learn something, he needs the opportunity to try and fail without the aid of a safety net. For example, I have always let Lukas walk around outside and explore things on his own more regularly than Ms. Swan. No, I don’t let him just walk in the street, but if we are going to a store or walking a few blocks some place, I let him try to walk it himself, rather than carrying him.  As a result, he not only has good motor skills, but when we put him down to walk around he doesn’tjust run off as fast as he can – as if he is worried he may not get a chance to walk around outside again – he is more controlled and tends to simply walk along with us.

Another example is plates and silverware.  Several months ago I notice Lukas was being particularly picky with his meals.  Ms.Swan and I both thought he was being a picky eater, but I decided, without talking to Ms. Swan about it, to give him his food on an adult plate with a small, but metal, fork.  Clearly upped the danger a bit but I kept an eye on him.  And he actually ate a bit more.  I trusted him and we learned that the problem was not entirely the types of food that was offered to him, but that he wanted to eat more like his mom and dad.

Finally, sometimes I am the bad cop.  As a father, but really as a spouse, you need to be ready willing and able to say no to your child in situations where your spouse has difficulty saying no.  Every parent has certain things that we struggle with and it is the responsibility of your partner to help you with those moments. One example is bath time.  I have a hard time with bath time.  I don’t like fighting with him to take a bath and if it wasn’t for Ms. Swan putting up with his flailing and yelling, I think he would be one filthy kid.  Conversely, I am there for Ms. Cobb at the two moments when she feels the most guilty about making tough decisions for Lukas, in the morning and at bedtime. Though we have not had many tantrums in recent months at school, there was a time when Ms. Swan hated dropping him off because of how badly he cried.  And I hated it too.  But I knew that it was my job to bear the brunt of that horrible experience because every time Ms. Swan dropped him off and he cried, she cried and had serious doubts about her decision to keep working.  To force her to encounter this reminder of her tough decision every morning, before going to work, wasn’t fair to her. 

Similarly, we have started weaning Lukas and while Ms. Swan could continue the night time routine and just say no to Lukas’ request for milk, the resulting tantrums were taking a rather large emotional toll on the Swan's nest.  So in steps me, the bad cop,refusing milk and enduring the screams. I don’t like it and I wish I could just let him stay up or let him nurse, but it is my job to help Ms. Swan with this one.  So we rock, he cries, we read, he screams, he goes in the crib and I pretend to sleep on the floor.  It is a long, tough game, but it is getting better.  I know nursing has been, and will always be, a very special thing to Ms. Swan and that she misses it everyday.  This is the least I can do to help, since I don’t have boobs.

So was this a tip?  Idon’t know.  It might be common sense to most of you, but the thing I try to be most conscious of is looking at those things that my spouse struggles with the most, that cause her the most pain,the most mommy guilt, and I try to do that for her.  And so, for this Tuesday that is my advice to you, whether you are a dad or a mom.

Mr. Cob's 2011 Christmas Letter

[BACKGROUND: For the past four years, Mr. Cob and I have sent out a Christmas letter and picture to our friends and family.  This year was no different.  The letter is always filled with footnotes - it's Mr. Cob's signature style.  After a request to post it for those not on our "official" Christmas card list, I decided to share it with my loyal readers.  I hope you've had a wonderful Christmas, and spending time with your family.  This year has been especially joyous for me.  Seeing Lukas and my nephew play and dance together has been the highlight of my year.  Without further ado, the letter...]

Dearest Family and Friends:

Hello this is the Swans sending you season’s greetings and yet another letter filled almost entirely with fabrications and half-truths.(1)  In our last episode, Lukas had just been born (November), and Mrs. Swan and Mr. Cob… well to be honest, last year Lukas was born. That’s about it really.(2) If you are even marginally competent at math, you will realize that this year’s letter will mostly focus on the first year of Lukas’ life, or as doctor’s call it “his first year.”

So let’s get some of the housekeeping out of the way. Mrs. Swan went back to work at [insert law firm name] at the end of January where she continues her banking/public finance work. When she isn’t being the most amazing mom in Atlanta, she is busy with her great girlfriends and continuing her blog,(3) and starting in January, she will be doing a monthly blog post at the parenting website “Dr. Z and Friends.”(4) Mr. Cob continues to practice at [insert law firm name here] and had his first solo federal jury trial in November, which went well. Becoming a father has finally given Mr. Cob a receptive, albeit confused, audience for his crazy voices and characters.(5)

If you have been paying attention, you will now have determined that this means that Lukas is home by himself for much of the day or that maybe he is working too, probably in catering. First of all, he would probably eat all the food(6) and secondly, he isn’t tall enough to climb into his crib for a nap or cook anything on the stove.

In fact, Lukas has his first graduation in January from the “Infant” to the ”Young Toddler” class at Primrose School in Midtown. He spends his day wrestling with his classmates (Rome) and running around the classroom stealing other kid’s toys. Oh and he dances. Like all the time. Any music, he’s down.(7) At home, when he isn’t running around the house, he is busy pointing at ceiling fans, flipping through books and chasing the dog. Dog! DOG! Dog. (He says that a lot).(8) Don’t worry he dances at home too. He is such a happy little guy.

Oh No. Is that the end of the page? Well, I could shrink the font a bit? No? Ok fine. Here’s wishing you all a Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas.

Love,
The Swans

(1) Or is that a lie too? See what I did there…



(2) There was some other stuff that happened, but it really paled in comparison to Lukas, which is saying something considering he spoke terrible English and could barely hold his liquor. Amateur.


(3) PLUG! www.thenestingswans.blogspot.com


(4) PLUG! www.drzandfriends.com. This is the one she is getting paid for so, you know, look at it and comment.


(5) Based on some field research, Mr. Cob  is writing a pilot for a children’s television show version of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment with the role of Raskolnikov played by a Golden Retriever with an Australian accent. His crime – getting up on the couch. His punishment – hugs and kisses.


(6) A clear violation of company policy.


(7)This is not surprising, Lukas comes from a long line of dancers. His maternal great great grandfather Cesar Ramon Cesar was voted best merengue in Sicily three years in a row. His paternal great grandfather the infamous Magnus von Swan was the first, and only, male pole dancer of the Greater Stockholm area from 1875 until 1935.


(8) DOG! includes cats. And sheep. And horses. Basically, Four Legs + Excessive Hair = DOG! So, Tom Selleck might also qualify.

Complete Bullshit

Ok, so I just figured out how to view my blog stats and come to find out that out of my top 5 posts of all time (out of about 300ish), TWO of them are posts THAT I DID NOT WRITE. They are posts that MR. COB WROTE. What the fuck. Seriously? This is depressing to me.

This means one of many things:

1. Mr. Cob is much funnier than me. (Blah, Blah, Blah. Mr. Cob is great, Mr. Cob is funny. Blah. He gets it all from me. Don't let his humor fool you. It's not the improv classes, or the voice impersonations, or the random ass jokes that can make a room full of people laugh. He gets it from me. I'm the inspiration for his jokes, anyway.)

2. I am not funny. No, no, that can't be it.

3. Mr. Cob is more interesting than me. (Hum, lets do a comparison:


• Mr. Cob = lawyer. Me = lawyer.
• Mr. Cob = 30 years old. Me = 30 years old.
• Mr. Cob = oldest child. Me = youngest child
• Mr. Cob = video gamer, baseball lover, scrabble enthusiast, beer maker, dad. Me = wine drinker, sushi eater, wine lover, runner, wino, writer, mom.


Nope, we're practically the same person, so he's not more interesting than me. Definitely not.)

4. I promote his blog posts more than my own. (This is the only logical explanation as to why his posts get more hits than mine. I broadcast his posts on facebook and shout to the world: "read what my hubby wrote." And then you do. Yes, this must be the reason. He's not funnier than me.)

Well now that THAT is settled I'm going to go cry in a corner and attempt to forget that I don't even write the most popular posts ON MY OWN BLOG.

Stay tuned. I'll see if my celebrity fame-whore husband will write a guest post for your enjoyment soon.

What I bring to the table…

Cob, here. So last weekend, Mrs. Cob and I went to a birthday party at a place called Dip and Dab. Here is the set up. BYOB, BYOF. They supply you with paint, canvas, and a teacher lady who shows you how to paint a picture that is at the front of the room. Grab the big pointy brush, use some green and make some trees. DRINK. Now here’s a river, use some blue on this one. DRINK.

At this point it was apparent that I suck at painting. I had already screwed up my skyline and river so I thought I could cover the mistake by painting a man’s face over it. You know have the forest scene in the background. Crap, his head is too large… ah Crap, that chin is too wide… let’s cover it with a beard. Hm, ok now a mouth… shit, no red paint. So, Blue lips? … yeah its cold out there, hypothermia. Ultimately, I painted a hobo dying of hypothermia down by the river.

Suffice to say, art is not my thing. In fact, the incident with the drunken hobo and his frigid, frigid death is just the tip of the iceberg (pun absolutely intended – sorry). I have been to museums, the Louvre even, and I just don’t get it. For example, at the art museum by millennium park in Chicago (can’t even remember the name) they have a room filled with medieval weaponry. They also have what I am told are many great pieces of sculpture and painting. But all I do is look at the swords. Look, I know it is simplistic, but I like paintings that look like the thing they are depicting. “Hey that is exactly what that is supposed to look like.” Yeah… it is shameful. And here’s the problem, Lukas will be looking up to me to teach him things and when it comes to art, Daddy is a Neanderthal.

Part of raising a child is teaching them what you know and what you love, and hoping they like at least some of it so you have something to talk about when you are 70 and are too old learn the new stuff “them kids are into.” What is embarrassing about what I bring to the table is that while it is a ton of fun, it is ultimately useless. For example, being a Cubs fan is pointless. It has been for at least 103 years and there is no end to that futility in sight.

But let’s, for the sake of this blog, imagine Lukas grows to love, er obsess, over the things I do. Being obsessed with Mr. Show, Saturday Night Live, Monty Python, the State, Patton Oswalt, the Sklars, Star Wars (movies and novels), J.R.R. Tolkein, Marvel Comics, Weezer, the Beatles, Seinfeld, Role playing games, board games, video games, Judd Apatow Movies, and beer brewing involves a set of skills that are really only useful in pub trivia. Don’t get me wrong, I do know a lot of things, which my wife tells l me are helpful, and I follow directions well (can follow the shit out of a recipe or flow chart). Also, I know how to make people laugh without taking my pants off, which is a pretty useful skill (this is not to say that I don’t also make people laugh by taking my pants off, but I digress). Its things like art, ballet, theatre, and literature other than science fiction that are things that I wish I knew more about, or even understood, such that I would also help Lukas learn and enjoy them. After all, kids tend to mirror their parents, so if he doesn’t learn to appreciate these things from me, then from who? Well there is Mrs. Cob isn’t there? Great, problem solved. Looks like it is up to you to bring some sophistication into this little boy’s life.

Good luck, my love.

Guest Post: Room Decorations, Parenting Philosophies, and Digesting Turtle Shells Like an Alligator

Cob here. We picked out a theme for Lukas’ room this weekend. Very exciting. It is this adorable theme of lions, bears and tigers playing soccer, baseball and football. It is so cute. Yes, I do sound like Mrs. Swan saying that, but it is true.


However, the choosing of said pattern was brutal. Absolutely brutal. Here is the thing. Mrs. Swan wanted something classy. Something subtle. Mauve, sea foam, and other colors that make the baby’s room look like it should be in a Restoration Hardware catalog. Granted, I understand her position. We are the ones who have to look at it all the time. He is just a baby, he won’t understand the décor anyway.

I guess I beg to differ. To me, the idea is to surround Lukas with as much stimulation, learning opportunities as possible. This kid is going to spend the first 6 months of his life just looking around at stuff. A lot of the time he is going to be in this crib and in his room. Now, what can he learn, or even focus on, by looking at what is essentially a catalog lay out. To me, lets show him lions, soccer balls, dinosaurs, and dinosaurs eating lions while kicking soccer balls. Things that will trigger his imagination.

This is not to say that I was going to veto a “classy” bedroom set. Ultimately, this theory of mine, even if true, is probably no substitute for good old fashioned parenting, i.e. reading books, brushing your teeth, and not cursing too much. In fact, we were going to go with a cartoony owls pattern matched with some plaid stuff that was pretty good. I was down with it. But ultimately, Mrs. Swan realized that she really didn’t have a clue what she wanted in a room. And I did. So Animal All-Stars it is.

Then we got home and I went to my improv class. After class, I came home to find a beaming wife. Apparently, in cleaning out kids stuff form my room growing up, she came across all the adorable little sports and dinosaur things I had in my room growing up (which quite frankly I had mostly forgotten about). The big find was my grandfather’s baseball glove from the 1930s and 1940s (which he played catch with me using as late as the 1990s). Growing up I had it hanging in my room along with some autographed baseballs. Inspired, Mrs. Swan started going on some vintage baseball sites and found vintage baseball pennants, football and soccer posters etc. She was now very excited to decorate the room in a vintage sports theme. Needless to say, we are both excited about making this room fun.

You: Now, why the hell is he talking about home decorating? I thought I knew this man, is he sick? Schizophrenic? Did she just write this post and put his name at the top?
Me: Well after having “won” the great room debate (as I am calling it in my head), I began thinking about my theory. Essentially, I am trying to brainwash my son. And I am so excited about it. Maybe brainwashing is too strong of a word, but quite frankly, everything motivating me right now are my plans to introduce him to all the “things” that I love. I love the Cubs – so I am getting him a Cubs hat, just like Daddy. Soccer – I bought a mini soccer ball (that I presently kick around with the dog) with the thought of teaching him to play soccer. Science –Animals, especially dinosaurs. I always found dinosaurs are so mind blowing as a child, I mean essentially monsters roamed the earth. Learning Stuff - I have these flash cards of trivia questions about literature, math, science, history, etc. that I used to use as a kid to just teach myself random facts. I can’t wait to show those to him. Magic Cards – I used to play with my best friends and someday, maybe I can play with my kid. You know, totally nerd out with him.
A little bit of this, I acknowledge, is part of me dreaming of being able to act like a kid again. It is fueled by the nostalgia of what a great childhood I had. And he may not like all of it; he may not like any of it, really. But, like all parents, I am putting the stimuli in place to emphasize those things in his young life. It is why members of a family tend to have similar values. As parents, I think we try to give our children the things that we think are great, which necessarily means a little bit of brainwashing is going to happen.

You: But wait… I thought he was really into comedy too. SNL, Mr. Show, Monty Python, The State, The Comedians of Comedy, Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!

Other You: Yeah, you’re right, isn’t he a complete weirdo? He laughs at stuff that doesn’t make any sense.

Other Other You: Yeah, sometimes he talks to himself in the mirror in different accents. Surely his isn’t going to take the kid to see Patton Oswalt, or watch the Big Lebowski?

Me: That is correct. The Dude will have to wait a bit. I am reminded of a bit that Patton Oswalt does. He talks about his parents growing up being boring government employee parents and how that forced him to be an angry little world traveler with a killer sense of humor.

You: So does this mean only three more months of Cob’s jokes and voices?

Me: Well, kind of. Let me explain. My parents are complete weirdos. They look normal, they act normal. And for most of my life, I thought my father (government official) was a straight laced as they come. After all, the FBI had to ask our neighbors if he had “wild parties” once every couple of years. Trust me though, they’re nuts. They have a great sense of humor, they are so very funny and we have such a great time together.

But I have to be honest with you. I really didn’t know that growing up. My memories of them as a child is that they were rather serious people. My dad still thinks Norm McDonald “Isn’t funny.” But I think that is what made humor so fun to me. Like Patton, I felt like my quirky ways were some how dangerous, exciting, and little bit against mom and dad’s wishes. It fueled that silly side of me and encouraged me to take pride in being a weirdo. It encouraged me to forget what people think about me and just have fun.

Looking back, I clearly was wrong about my perceptions of my parents. I don’t know how many twelve year olds watched SNL nearly every week, or were allowed to catch Monty Python everyday after school. And they never scolded me for being a goof ball. Looking back, I see that they encouraged me, but it was subtle, such that I felt like it was my own this. I didn’t realize this, or how funny they really were until I was older, when I got to college. Then the family dynamic changed and it is great. The best part is that now I see a bit of what I imagine my parents were like before they had me and had to “get responsible.”

So there is my challenge, ladies and gentlemen. I know for the first ten years of Lukas’ life, I am going to have to keep my comedic indulgences on the DL. You know, DVR the latest episode of Always Sunny… and watch it later. And this is fine. But let me tell you this, I can’t wait for the day when he looks at the DVD collection and says “Dad what is Monty Python?” and instead of saying “I will tell you when you’re older” I can say to him “Well, have you ever heard of the Parrot Sketch? No? Pop it in. John Cleese is one of my favorites.”

On that note, I leave you all with a little game that I have been playing with my best friends and soon-to-be “uncles” Ronnie Trey and Kung Pao. Someday the four of us will share this little bit of gold with him. It is inspired by the famous Bill Brasky, described herein:
Bill Brasky: Holiday Inn

So in that vein, Kung Pao, Ronnie Trey, and Mr. Cob present…

Baby Lukas is a hell of guy!
[Interior Irish Pub. Three Drunks are drinking beer from glasses shaped as boots, as typically found in bars in Brussels]

Drunk No. 1: Do you know baby Lukas?

Drunk No. 2: I know Baby Lukas.

Drunk No. 3: Baby Lukas is a hell of a guy!

Drunk No. 2: Well he stands 5 foot 6, and weighs 165 pounds.

Drunk No. 1: Yeah. He’s a Genius too. He correctly spelled the word "subtle" at age 3 months, don’t ya know!

Drunk No. 2: Yeah, he’s been changing his own diapers for months now!

Drunk No. 3: You know he only gets his news from the BBC

Drunk No. 1: Baby Lukas delivered himself and slapped the doctor!

Drunk No. 2: He put together his own crib dont ya know!

Drunk No. 3: Baby Lukas just signed with the Miami Heat for the league maximum

Drunk No. 1: They say Baby Lukas warms his own bottle simply by staring at it.

Drunk No. 2: I heard he changes his grandparents' diapers as well as his own!

Drunk No. 3: Well, he's been known to rock his father to sleep at night!

Drunk No. 1: To Baby Lukas.

Drunks: To Baby Lukas!!!!

Get Fit!

Did you know that May is National Physical Fitness and Sports Month?  No?  Well, it is and its time to get fit!  And while May is winding down, its not over yet, so in an effort to promote physical fitness and sports, I wanted to bring some fitness info to the blogosphere!  Lucky for me, my amazing sister-in-law Ana Lisa is a yoga instructor and was recently interviewed for CNN's Morning Express show with Robin Meade.  So I thought it would be fun to interview her and bring some of her yoga knowledge to you! 

(pics from Jai Shanti Yoga in Atlanta - one studio Ana teaches at)

TSAN: So yo, how'd you get into this whole yoga thing?

ANA: I grew up in Los Angeles CA where Yoga was abundant and taking classes from some of the most famous Yoga teachers like Sean Corn and Shiva Rea and I didn’t even know I was in the Yoga mecca at the time. After getting a BA in Child Development in California (CSUN), and a BS in Recreation Therapy (VCU), I became certified in 2004 as a Yoga instructor in Integral Yoga. I immersed myself in the Yoga lifestyle (not just the postures of yoga but LIVING the Yoga) and lived at the Satchidananda Ashram in Buckingham VA, also called, believe it or not, Yogaville!!!! After my experience there, I worked in GA at a Psychiatric Hospital as a Recreation Therapist and started a Yoga healing program for all the variety of patients including those with Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, post traumatic stress, addictions, eating disorders, Alzheimer’s, those in wheel chairs and those with blindness, all the way from children to elderly. …the list goes on. And let me tell you if you are going to learn about Yoga and how it can help EVERYONE, this is definitely a total experience of that!!

Together the patients and I discovered through the movements and the breath, how to decrease stress, slow down the mind chatter, the worry, increase endorphins and a sense of purpose in life, we explored the possibilities of acceptance, self confidence, and learned how to adjust and modify postures so that all could participate and still feel successful in their practice of Yoga. For example one time a little boy, he must have been only about 8 years old, was having panic attacks that was taking over his life and as part of his therapy he was to participate in Yoga just once a week. During one of his attacks he grabbed the wall and it looked like he wanted to jump out of his own skin and all he could say was take it away and help me. So we focused specifically on the breath and we learned 2 specific Yoga breaths that helped him refocus his attention and take control of his own healing. After a few sessions he was able to calm himself down and even slow his heart rate without any help. I also developed a very successful Yoga program for the staff (Nurses, Drs, Psychologists, Social workers etc.) at the hospital so they could not only see what their patients were doing, but to keep healthy and fit themselves.

I now have taken additional immersion Yoga courses in Vinyasa Yoga, Restorative Yoga, and a teacher training in Hot Core power Yoga and expanded my teaching to instruct more out in Yoga studios across Atlanta and I am teaching 2 elective Yoga classes at Emory University for the undergrad Business department.

So I am a firm believer that Yoga is and can be for anyone that wants to try it!!! My goal is to tear down the perceptual barriers, the inner thinking of anyone reading this that may say that they can’t do yoga for whatever reason.

TSAN: What exactly is yoga?

ANA:  Yoga literally means to Yoke or to Unite….and it may be the only “exercise” that integrates the mind body and spirit. And right now surprisingly even in the change in our economy, people are seeking out to live a life more consciously, with more meaning, and with greater empowerment to achieve a sustainable sense of health!

TSAN: But there are different types of yoga, right?  What are some of them and the benefits?

All Yoga styles increase flexibility,

Hatha Yoga is a general term, which doesn’t actually clarify the specific style of yoga for the class. This just means you are going to be practicing the postures or the physical part of Yoga rather than the other aspects of Yoga such as the yoga of intellect (Jyana), the Yoga of Devotion (Bhakti) for example. But generally there is an assumption that this class is for beginners. The best thing to do is ask your instructor what style he/she teaches to get a feel for what this class is like.

Vinyasa actually means breath synchronized with movement. So in my Vinyasa classes for example, we move to the rhythm of the breath. When we breathe in we move into one posture and when we breathe out we move into the next. So there is a constant flow and movements to make you feel like you are dancing. It is a very graceful practice that asks you to lead your body by watching the breath. It consists of sun salutations and circular movements. Depending on the teacher Vinyasa can be vigorous and fast paced or slow and relaxing and the postures can change from class to class.

Power Yoga to my understanding is a very broad term of Yoga but tends to come from Ashtanga Yoga which is very precise and has a set series of vigorous postures where the student learns at their own pace. But this class is not for beginners. If you enjoy precision, order, and a focus on strengthening postures, this is for you. Most athletes gravitate to these classes.

Restorative Yoga which includes other names such as Yin, Restorative Flow, or even Svaroopa Yoga, include a gentle relaxing experience of Yoga with the use of props such as bolsters and blankets. Each student finds an easeful way to get into the postures. There is also a long Savasana, or restful stillness, at the end of each class.

Integral Yoga, which is where my roots are as a teacher, means to integrate mind body and spirit! The practice includes forward folds, backbends, sun salutations, inversions, inward reflection, meditation, and 15 minutes of Yoga Nidra, a specific type of deep relaxation that asks you to witness your body relax and it is worth 2 hours of deep sleep. Integral accommodates to beginners to advanced practitioners.

There are so many other types of Yoga…its really endless.  There are also Yoga classes that do not follow a specific tradition but tailor to the group such as Yoga for foodies, Yoga for the stiff guy, Yoga for the curvy girl, Nude Yoga, Laughter Yoga, there’s even yoga for dogs called Doga yes Doga!!!

TSAN: So you mentioned above that you teach Hot Yoga.  Is this the same as the Bikram thing thats all the rave?

ANA: Bikram Choudury who created the concept that yoga could be done in the heat founded Bikram Yoga. Which was a huge shift in the way we practice Yoga. This way, the muscles are more supple and flexible going in. He also developed a specific sequence of 26 postures that if you take a Bikram class it is the same wherever you go and not to be delineated from. Because of the high heat (103-110) and moisture in the room, these postures incorporate more balancing and stable asanas (postures) rather than flow postures where you would be moving from one posture to the next with the breath.

Hot Yoga has many different varieties and does not follow the series of Bikram postures. For example, the Hot Core power class that I teach is about 95 degrees and we practice a combination of balancing as well as sun salutations. There tends to be a flow of postures rather than stopping and starting. There is also more flexibility to change the sequence of the postures and make the class unique each time which helps me as a teacher to tailor the class for the students at any stage in their practice…whether its their first time or they have been doing Yoga their whole life.

TSAN: So are there physical benefits of hot yoga?

ANA: Yes, Yoga in the heat allows the muscles to relax which helps students to move more deeply in a pose, with a greater range of movement in the muscles, joints, and ligaments. But this is also why we practice not just stretching out the tight muscles but also strengthening the muscles at the same time to protect and support the body so as not to over stretch as well.

Another immediate benefit is that while in the heat, you must breath even if you don’t know the yoga breaths it encourages deep breathing which, with the movements invites for not only a deeper concentration in each posture but a great endorphin release.

The endorphin release has been said to be similar to running or after lifting weights, which are two very different exercises.

Hot Yoga helps to oxygenate the body, removing toxins in glands, organs, and tissues and improves your circulation as well as your immune system. making you look and feel younger and more energized.

Another added bonus is that the heat breaks down fatty acids speeding up your metabolism

TSAN: We've all heard that yoga is good for the soul, but does hot yoga have emotional benefits as well as physical, or is just a good workout?

ANA: The emotional benefits of the heat include a positive mood, a calm relaxed attitude, clarity in the mind, increased concentration and a greater sense of inner joy.

When people come out of my Hot Core Power Yoga class they say they feel refreshed, energized, high on life, that it’s addictive, and they even feel blissful!

TSAN: I want to feel blissed out! What type of yoga should I try if I'm new to this whole thing?

ANA:   So if you’re trying to find out if Yoga is for you, or which style to try, then think about the kind of experience you want to have rather than fitting yourself into a specific mold. Because, believe it or not, there is a Yoga class for EVERYBODY.

I want to thank Ana for all her info!  She really is an amazing teacher.  Ana is moving to California at the end of June, but before she goes you should check out one of her hot core power classes on Friday nights at Decatur Hot Yoga or her Sunday morning restorative class at DHY (although get there early because it sells out many weeks)!

Just a Little Something my Husband Cobbled Together / Guest Post

Hello. People call me Mr. Cob. By “people” I mean my wife and you strangers casually observing my life through the electronic magic that is the interwebs. As avid readers you will recall that I promised to address some “gross mischaracterizations” of Mrs. Swan’s retelling our wonderful news concerning Baby S.

Let me begin by explaining how all this started. When and man and woman love each other very much, they get married, and then… well I forget how it actually works. Something about a stork, a twelve sided die and chocolate sauce then poof baby. But here is the thing, I was told, nay re-assured, that the process of creating a new life took the average couple 6-8 months, even longer if you are Sting.

So imagine my shock that Friday in February when, after a truly horrendous day, I came home to the sweet, synthetic smell of Funfetti. Yes, I love funfetti cake. What of it? It is pure sugar, has rainbow colored faux sprinkles inside the cake, and is peddled by an adorable little crack addict who appears to be related to the Stay Puft marshmallow man.

And yes. I was shocked. I thought Ryan baked me a cake because I had such a horrible week. That’s all that unusual. Instead, I found out that I was going to be a father, way ahead of schedule. It was a wonderful surprise to say the least and what better way to celebrate new life than with the finest food life has to offer – Funfetti.

I must say that the best part about finding out we were having a baby was the keeping it a secret. Many times I feel like everyone is in our business. I suppose that is the only negative, and a small negative at that of being so close with our family and friends. We have few secrets that ours, just belonging to the two of us. And so the next week and a half, before we told our parents and friends, was great. We would hang out with people and any time there was an opportunity to share the news, instead of blurting out “We’re having a baby!” we would smile or wink at each other. It was truly special and I will always remember those moments where it was just our little secret.

Having now been immersed in baby land, with our other pregnant friends, for some 9 or 10 weeks, I have learned one thing. Pregnant women are like Jeff Goldblum from The Fly. You know, the part where he is keeping a daily journal of the strange and fascinating changes his body is undergoing as he turns into a giant insect. Only difference is that in nine months, Mrs. Swan won’t have compound eyes – I hope.

Not that I blame them, I mean, it is pretty incredible and their bodies are going through an incredible metamorphosis. But still, it is like every time we get together, I hear about some new fluid or growth that will be coming.

It is in this context that I need to address a statement made by Mrs. Swan. I need to address all this nonsense about breast milk and my apparent shock and horror at her suggestion that I go buy a bag of oreos and drink some up like some perverted Louis Pasteur. (paraphrasing) Look, the reason why I think it is acceptable to drink cows milk but am grossed out by drinking human’s milk is the same reason I think it is acceptable to eat beef, but not eat humans. It is the same species. It is as close to cannibalism as we can get without the plane crash. That was the reason. This whole cave man nonsense is complete and udder fabrication.

Finally, I would like address some recent posts Mrs. Swan has made about herself. First off, you are glowing girl – to say otherwise is absolutely ridiculous. She looks great, the bump is cute . . . everything is just perfect. Second, this woman will be an incredible mom. True, there is no such thing as the perfect parent, but I believe World’s Greatest Mom is not out of the question. That t-shirt is tougher to come by than you would think – though neither I, nor Jerry Seinfeld, are entirely sure how official those rankings really are. (“Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum!”)

So last week we had the uber-ultrasound. The souped up version where we could see the baby’s brain, it was moving around, and most of all heard the heartbeat. Its heart was beating so fast. German discotech fast. If it is a boy, we should name him Dieter and get him a monkey fast. Get it? Good. Moving on.

Notice I have been saying it. Mrs. Swan is thinking that we are having a boy, she constantly says “him” and “he,” but I really don’t care. Truly. And yet, people keep asking me, in slightly different ways, but it is the same question: Do I want a boy or a girl?

When I consider this question I am reminded of the words of my favorite actor John Cusack in one of my favorite movies, Gross Pointe Blank. In this scene Martin Q. Blank, the hitman who returns to his hometown for his high school reunion, is out for a drink with his high school sweetheart, Debi, whom he abandoned – on prom night – to join the army, and who he has not seen or spoken to since.

Debi: So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?
Martin Q. Blank: No, but I do have a very nice cat.
Debi: Not the same.
Martin Q. Blank: Well, you don’t know my cat, it’s very demanding.
Debi: It? You don’t know if it is a boy or a girl?
Martin Q. Blank: I respect its privacy.


Baby S, I respect your privacy – for now. I truly don’t care whether you are a boy or a girl. The die has been cast, so to speak, and I am just on the edge of seat waiting to find out. That being said we are going to find out what you are as soon as we can. As you will learn Baby S, Dad doesn’t handle surprises very well… just ask Mom.

Speaking of surprises did you know that I am tubby? That’s right. I lost nearly 20 pounds at the beginning of this year and most of it is back already. If you have been paying attention, you probably know that I love food that is awful for me. Funfetti, buffalo wings, deep fried, cheese covered twinkies, and, of course, Guinness. And guess what. Daddy books tell us that it is normal to have crazy cravings. They call it couvade – or sympathy hungers. I call it a convenient excuse for my inner fatass to take over. Guess what, I always want a doughnut, but before I heard about sympathy hungers, I said “You are better than that. You don’t need that.” But now, armed with all sorts of daddy books, I say “It’s normal. Make sure it has sprinkles…”

And I that note I bid adieu. Rest assured dear reader, I will be back in the not so distant future to offer more observations on life, choc full of references from Cusack movies, Seinfeld, and possibly Monty Python. Now where did I put that twinkie… oops. I was sitting on it. Again.