B's Kidney Update (@ 1 month old)

Last Friday we went to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta for Bridget to have a renal ultrasound and a VCUG. Last night her pediatric urologist gave us the run down of what these tests revealed. So here's the skinny:

Good news first. Her ultrasound showed a healthy appearing RIGHT kidney. (Yay! Yay! Yay!)  Her doctor does suspect that the right kidney has a ureteral duplication (but uncomplicated), which means two ureters are draining from the RIGHT kidney to the bladder.  “Uncomplicated” means no reflux (no urine washing backwards up to the kidney as sometimes occurs) and no obstruction (blockage).  Uncomplicated also means there is no adverse consequence of having this anatomy. (Woohoo! At least one good kidney is what we've been praying for!)

The less than good news, but better than we were expecting news: As suspected from my prenatal ultrasounds, the LEFT kidney also has a ureteral duplication, but it's complicated. The ureter from the upper portion of the kidney (i.e. the “upper pole ureter”) ends in a ureterocele. Ureterocele means that the last part of the ureter as it enters the bladder is dilated, expanded, ballooned.  This is associated with obstruction of the upper pole portion of the kidney. (This was all what we expected from my prenatal ultrasounds.)

B's Left Kidney - all those dark spots are not present in a normal kidney

Because the upper pole ureter pushes on the lower pole ureter the lower pole ureter which does not end in a ureterocele and does not reflux is also partially, but only partially obstructed. While that sounds scary, it is not an emergency because apparently the lower pole of the left kidney can tolerate this situation for some time.  And, here's more good news, the upper pole is a small segment in its overall contribution to renal function- given its ultrasound features it may not offer any real significant kidney function. Bridget's urologist expects her overall kidney function now and in the future to be normal. (Great!!!)

So what is next? Apparently, the management of ureteroceles is very individualized and a key detail in decision making is the level of function in the upper pole and the impact of the left upper pole on the left lower pole function and drainage.  So B needs another test called a MAG3 renal scan. So looks like we're going nuclear.  Kind of scary, but some fellow kidney-moms I've met thanks to the magic of Facebook, have assured me it is tolerable.  The doctors prefer to obtain this study at 6 weeks of age due to the way that neonatal kidney handles the contrast.  B will be six weeks old next Thursday, so the test should be scheduled in the coming weeks. Once the doctor has the results from this scan he'll be able to decide what procedure she needs and when she'll need it. So while we don't have the game plan in place yet, we feel very optimistic and have been able to breathe a little easier today.  Of course I don't love that B will need surgery, but I'm thankful that her long term prognosis is looking good for now!

Thanks for the continued prayers and thoughts! We are loving our little lady and feel so lucky to have her in our family!

Welcome Bridget Starr

I am thrilled beyond words to announce the arrival of our daughter, Bridget Starr! She was born a week and two days ago and we are so utterly in love with our sweet girl.  It feels as though she has always been a part of our family. The boys adore her and she's already acquired the nickname "Bridgey" from her brother Julian. Our family is now truly complete. 

Here is her birth story:

Date of Birth: January 7, 2016 @ 11:29am

Original Due Date: January 14, 2016

Weeks Pregnant: 39

Baby's Weight: 8 lbs 4 oz

Baby's Length: 20 in

We learned back at my 37 week appointment that my MFM recommended that I deliver Bridget at 39 weeks. He had told us he didn't want me to go past my due date, but the notes he sent to my OB recommended that I be induced at 39 weeks if she wasn't here by then. While this was disappointing to me since I wanted to have a natural birth with no interventions, I also realized that I was lucky to have made it this far with my pregnancy given Bridget's kidney defect. So I tried to make peace with the likelihood of induction, but still hoped I would spontaneously go into labor on my own.

Over Christmas I thought things were starting.  I lost my mucus plug on Christmas Eve and was worried she'd arrive that night and I'd miss Christmas morning. Thankfully she stayed put. I then got the stomach bug the weekend after Christmas and prayed she would sit tight until I was over that awfulness. Again, thankfully she stayed put. Then on New Year's Eve at my 38 week appointment my OB checked my cervix and without warning swept my membranes trying to move things along.  She knew I wanted to avoid pitocin, so I think she figured a membrane sweep was the least invasive intervention that might get things started. I would've liked being consulted before this happened, but it is what it is. This is when the fun false/prodromal labor started. For the next week I had contractions daily, sometimes for hours on end.  And Sunday afternoon, January 3rd I was convinced the real deal had started. 

Sunday, the 3rd, I walked 2 miles in my neighborhood in the morning. Then we took the boys to the Museum of Arts and Sciences here in Macon. As we sat in the planetarium watching a show about the life of a star I noticed I was having consistent contractions. I didn't start timing them for a few hours, convinced it was just more false labor. But as the evening went on, it was clear they were there to stay. Todd and I went for another mile walk and while we were walking the contractions were coming about 2 minutes apart and were quite intense. We got back to the house and I called my doula asking her advise. She suggested we eat dinner, give it an hour and see if they stuck around.  So we ate, put the boys to bed and eventually headed off to L&D around 7:30pm.  Contractions were still coming about 3-4 minutes apart and lasting 60-90 seconds long. Yet they weren't painful. We got assessed at the hospital and I was 3cm and 60% effaced, with contractions registering every 8 minutes.  Of course, on the ride to the hospital I noticed the contractions slowing down, but we went in anyway. The nurse said they wanted to monitor me for an hour and then decide what to do. I made it clear that I did not want to be admitted if I was not in active labor and that sitting in a hospital bed for an hour was not something that I intended to do. So we were allowed to walk the floor for 45 minutes and come back to see if things had progressed. An hour later, nothing had changed. So my midwife agreed that I could go home.  I was embarrassed that we'd even gone in to the hospital, but glad we were not being kept unnecessarily. So off we went home and I was able to go to sleep for the night.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday brought more contractions, but nothing consistent. On Wednesday I made one last ditch effort go get things going on their own. I walked miles around my neighborhood, drank red raspberry tea and applied clary sage EOs to my belly, hips and ankles (something that supposedly can get labor going). But by late Wednesday night I accepted the fact that we were heading for induction the next day. My doula called that night to talk things out. She said the hospital would likely have me arrive at 11pm Thursday night to start the cervadil and then depending on where things stood Friday morning they'd go from there. So I went to bed assuming we'd have all day Thursday to try to get labor going on its own. 

I was jolted awake at 5:30am Thursday morning by a phone call from the hospital telling me to arrive at 7am!  This was surprising since I thought I wasn't going to go in until that evening!  I quickly took a shower, ate some eggs and finished packing our hospital bag. Julian woke up so I was able to get some snuggles in with him and then we woke up Lukas to tell him we were leaving.  The boys were groggy and I was a little sad to leave knowing they wouldn't be getting my full attention once their sister arrived. 

So Thursday morning we arrived at the hospital and checked in. I was sad that I wasn't going to have the birth experience I was hoping for and a little on edge. The nurse checked me and I was 3-4cm and 60%. So not much change since our trip to L&D that Sunday, which was discouraging - I had hoped the prodromal labor contractions were doing something! And thankfully the monitors were picking up contractions, so things were happening. My midwife knew I wanted a natural birth, so rather than starting with pitocin, she agreed to break my water and give me 3 hours to see if things would start on their own. 

My water was broken at 9:15 and things moved FAST! My awesome nurse, Karla, suggested I try nipple stimulation to get things moving as it sends natural pitocin (aka oxytocin) signals to your body. So I got up and walked laps around the room whilst rubbing my nipples. It was surely a sight.  But it worked! Almost immediately contractions started coming regularly and within thirty minutes I went from chatting with Todd to having to concentrate and breathe through each one. 

My doula, Mandy, arrived around 10am. I was still jovial when she arrived and excited that things were progressing. But that didn't last long. I wasn't able to continue standing once the contractions really kicked in. So I sat on the hospital bed with my back straight and my legs criss-crossed and knees pointed down at the suggestion of Mandy. Contractions were intense and quickly were one on top of each other. Mandy and Todd helped me breathe through them, each sitting on either side of me holding my hand. As a contraction would hit I closed my eyes and zoned out for each contraction. The hypnobirthing classes I took during my 1st pregnancy 5 years ago for Lukas definitely helped keep me relaxed. Todd, Mandy and Karla talked about Todd and my love story which kept me entertained in between contractions. Or at least distracted! 

By 11am I had the urge to throw up and felt a lot of pressure around my bum. Apparently these are sure indicators that things are moving along, but it was also the time I absolutely lost it and was convinced I couldn't continue but I was in transition at that point and there was no turning back! Mandy looked at me and said "You can do this. You ARE doing this!" And she said that within 3 hours I'd be holding my baby. She meant this to be encouraging but I looked back and said there was NO way I could do this for 3 more hours!  Thankfully we didn't have to wait that long. 

My whole body began shaking uncontrollably and I was feeling the need to push.  Karla checked my cervix and there was a lip that wasn't moving, so she told me to push once and she helped move part of my cervix back that wasn't moving because of the baby's head. This helped get me to 10cm and suddenly it was time to push. The midwife wasn't there yet, and Karla had another nurse come in the room to be a second set of hands in case she needed to deliver Bridget! Let's just say I was a vocal momma bear during pushing and I feel sorry for anyone that could hear me. Lots of F-bombs and a few "get her OUT!!!!!" yells may have happened. Along with some other choice words. But in only three contractions she was out! Somehow I didn't experience the ring of fire and had no tearing!!! And the sense of relief once Bridget was out was immediate! But holy hell it was intense. 

Bridget was born at 11:29am - under 2 hours from the start of real contractions to finish with no pain meds! It felt great to not be drugged afterwards and I was shocked that I actually did it. And this recovery has been much easier than the first two. We only stayed in the hospital 24 hours and are all happy to be home.  (And as a fun sidenote, my mom was here helping us with the boys when Bridget was born. She was blow drying her hair and suddenly all the power in the house blinked off.  She had to reset the clock in the kitchen and looked at her phone to find out the power outage happened at exactly 11:29am! How cool is that?!)

I'm thrilled our baby girl is here. She is a sweetheart and we are completely wrapped around her finger already. She is peeing great so we don't have to do anything immediately with her kidney. We are scheduled to go to Atlanta for her first round of tests on January 28th, so we'll know more then.  But for now we're just loving on our newest addition!

34 Weeks. Round 3.

How far along? 34  weeks + 1 day. (Go here to see my 34 week bump with Julian)

Next OB appointment?  December 16th and 17th - MFM on the 16th and Midwife on the 17th (when I'll be 36 weeks). Then I start going to the OB/Midwife EVERY week. I think the MFM will stay every other week, but I'm not sure.

Total weight gain/loss? Don't know, don't care. At my OB appointment this past week I made the best decision I've made in a while and opted to not look at the scale. I figure the midwife would have said something if she was concerned about my weight gain. I don't need to know the number unless it's a problem. I've already gained over 30 pounds and I'm sure the Thanksgiving feasts didn't help that number go down.  I'm still slimmer this pregnancy than the other two and I can fit in my designer maternity jeans so I'm not giving it another thought.  I'm eating healthy (aside from the pie at the holidays) and exercising when I can/feel up to it.

Maternity clothes?  Yes and I did do a little Cyber Monday shopping to snag another pair of maternity jeans (I only had 1 and the fact that I wont' have to get dressed for an office after 2 weeks seemed to be a good reason for another pair of jeans). 

Stretch marks? The belly is still stretch mark free!  The gal that did my ultrasound on Wednesday noted how smooth and mark free my belly was, especially for a 3rd baby. I told her my hips and thighs weren't so line free, but I am blessed to not have them on my belly.

Sleep? Terrible. I can't fall asleep at night and I can't stay asleep. It's not event that I'm uncomfortable, I just can't sleep. I am every night for a while around 4am.

Best moment last week? Seeing Bridget on the ultrasound. She's growing great and is estimated to already weigh SIX POUNDS ONE OUNCE! She's doing great practice breathing and is just a cute little thing. She appears to have a head full of hair and is head down already and hopefully will stay that way!  Her right kidney is holding strong and doesn't have any signs of damage or blockage, which is what we are hoping will continue. Her left kidney looked worse this week, but we won't know the full extent of the damage until she's here and can be tested.  My amniotic fluid level is staying in the normal range and all in all things are good. The MFM said he hopes I can go into labor on my own, but that we'll continue evaluating the situation until she's here and adjust the plan if need be. He made the point that it is best for her to stay until at least 39 weeks to avoid any other potential complications in the event her kidney requires attention sooner than later. It's best if her lungs are fully developed if she needs surgery soon. So fingers crossed I stay pregnant until January!

Movement? Oh yes. Her feet pack a pretty hefty punch!

Food cravings? Nothing in particular.  My appetite has decreased slightly in the past few days. 

Food aversions?  Not really.

Gender? Sugar and Spice and everything nice.

Labor signs? Braxton Hicks contractions daily.

Belly button in/out? Out. And Lukas was kind enough to point out that I still have a freckle in my belly button but that it is gross and he doesn't want to see it.  Thanks bud.

What I miss: Sleep.

What I am looking forward to: This weekend my girlfriends are throwing me and Bridget a small Sprinkle shower. I'm excited to see my girls and celebrate B.

Milestones: I went 5 days between hair washing this week. I think that's a record for me. That's the only milestone I can think of for this week...

31 Weeks. Round 3

I've clearly fallen behind on the weekly updates this pregnancy. But in an effort to continue having a documentation of this pregnancy (and not just the kidney-related issues), I want to jump back on the horse.

How far along? 31 weeks. (Go here to check out my 31 week survey with Julian....I was obviously in a good mental state of mind at that point in my last pregnancy...)

Next OB appointment?  Next Wednesday I head to Atlanta to see my Maternal Fetal Specialist in Atlanta to check on Bridget's kidney and my amniotic fluid level. Then next Thursday I have my 32 week appointment with my midwife. I feel like I spend a good chunk of my time in doctors' offices.

Total weight gain/loss? 30+ pounds. Last week I think I was around 31 pounds at the OB's office. I've stopped weighing at home. It is what it is.

Maternity clothes?  Yes. And I'm totally sick of them. I'm trying to hang tight with the clothes I already have but have picked up a few new pieces over the last few weeks. I'm trying to stick with tunics and ponchos and other non-maternity clothes that will work after the babe is here.

Stretch marks? No new ones, just the old ones getting darker.

Sleep? Not the best, but I'm trying to get more of it. Last night I went to bed at 7:30pm after putting Lukas to bed. I woke up at 12:38 and 3:50 to pee and then was up for the day at 6:15 with Julian. I think my body needed the rest. I also only worked for an hour on Tuesday because I felt terrible and went home to sleep on the couch for 5 hours. I think I might be fighting off the crud.

Best moment last week? Celebrating Lukas' 5th birthday with a superhero themed party!  This is the first birthday party I've successfully pulled off.  Don't get me wrong, the kids have had parties, but they've been nothing to write home about. In fact, one year, my friend Emily threw Lukas' 3rd birthday party for me because I simply couldn't pull it together. I'm not a big planner and something about birthday parties stresses me out to the max.  

And this year was no different. But L was turning 5, which is a big deal in kid-land. So I knew I had to have a party for him. I decided that our awesome "new" park down the road would be the perfect place - there's a pavillion for cupcake eating/parent sitting and a huge park for the kids to play on. Easy peasy. I sent out a Paperless Post invite and was done.  No theme, no hoopla. Just a good old fashion party.

Until the weather forecast set in. Rain. Rain and more rain. I tried to convince myself we'd have sunny skies come Sunday afternoon, but eventually I had to face reality. This outdoor party was not going to happen. So the husband and I took advantage of our 2 hour car ride the Friday before (on our way to Athens to visit some of my sorority sisters!) to plan a new party. Then Saturday afternoon we ran around town like crazy people buying all the goods to have a party at our house. I shot off a message to all the parents to let them know we'd moved indoors to our house and we all set to work getting our house in an acceptable condition for guests and making the party a reality.

We bought superhero masks from Target (I had planned on the kids making their own masks but then the thought of kids and glue and glitter set in, and we changed course), my mom and I made super hero capes out of tee-shirts from Hobby Lobby, hubby cleaned the garage so we could spend most of our time outside and then we went about preparing the games. We found an elaborate Pinterest superhero party full of superhero games and decided to go with 4: Pin the Star on Cap's shield, Superhero Mind power (guess the # of starbursts in the jar), Spidey String (silly string fun...bad idea in retrospect), and a Batman pinata. I think a good time was had by all. Oh, and we served Publix cupcakes because ain't nobody got time for homemade at 8 months pregnant.

Lukas felt so special and my mom is a pro at keeping a party moving along so everyone was in and out in an hour and a half and the house wasn't a disaster!  All in all, it was a huge success! But I don't think I'll be starting an event planning business any time soon....

Movement? I'm pretty sure Bridget is an octopus.

Food cravings? Carbs. Give me ALL.THE.CARBS. This is a problem because I stopped eating gluten free this pregnancy, but gluten gives me massive indigestion. And when I eat something with gluten, I just can't stop. Like the leftover Chex Mix from Lukas' birthday party. Forget it. I'm fine if I don't eat something, but once I have one, it's over. I'll probably have gained 10 pounds this past 2 weeks.

Food aversions?  Nope.

Gender? I'm still a little shocked I'm having a girl.

Labor signs? Nope.

Belly button in/out? Outie. As in you can see my belly button poking through all my shirts. It's a little disturbing.

What I miss: My energy. I have been exhausted lately.

What I am looking forward to: Getting started on Bridget's room. So her room is constructed, but that's about it. I am sort of stuck with what to do. I get an idea and then it takes a detour or is too expensive. Basically, I have no idea what her theme is or what colors I'm going with. I need help.

Milestones: We are into single digit weeks left! 9 weeks buddy!  And that's if I go to her due date.  While I really want her to go full term, I'm not going to lie - another 9 weeks sounds sort of miserable.  Obviously I want her to keep cooking, but I'm just feeling so, well....what's the word?  Rotund. Yes, that's it.

When Boring is Great

I saw the Maternal Fetal Specialist this morning and I am thrilled to share that we had a boring appointment! There was basically no change from two weeks ago which means Bridget is stable and we weren't given any additional bad news!  Hallelujah. My amniotic fluid level looks great which means that at least some of Bridget's kidney(s) are functioning properly!  This is hugely encouraging!  The doctor does suspect Bridget has the duplicated ureters on both kidneys, rather than just the left side like we'd originally thought.  BUT, the right kidney tissue looks normal and is not dilated size. This is all great news.  No change is what we want. We want to stay boring!

She is measuring over a week ahead (I'm 29 weeks + 6 days today but she's measuring 31 weeks + 1 day), so her growth is great. This is positive. She currently weighs 3 pounds 12 ounces!  My big girl!!!!  We still want her to stay in until she's full term, but it's good that she's measuring on the bigger side in the event she does come early.

We could see her eyelashes on the ultrasound and spotted a few wisps of hair, but it doesn't look like she'll be coming out with a head full of luscious locks! Considering her oldest brother was bald until he was almost 2, it's no surprise that she might be hairless. I'm still holding out hope that the hair she does have will be brown, but I'll be happy with another little toe head.

This is the first appointment I've come out of in a while feeling good. I don't feel defeated and I actually feel positive. The anxiety hasn't set in. I've cried no tears today.

Instead, Todd and I enjoyed the afternoon alone together. We went for Thai food in Decatur and then went shopping at our believed Dekalb Farmer's Market before heading home to Macon. We then spent the afternoon working on the house (him) and following up with Beautycounter clients (me). We got the boys at the end of the day and just had a nice, normal evening. Bridget started bumping around as I was laying down with Lukas at bedtime and he got to feel his sister kick, and then we had a fun conversation about HOW Bridget is going to get out. I actually used the "V" word and ended up with a very giggly boy convinced that Bridget would get pee-ed on when she was born. Clearly we have some anatomy lessons ahead of us!

Thank you for the continued prayers and good thoughts!  We all so appreciate the support! xo

2 Weeks at a Time

My bi-weekly appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist is tomorrow in Atlanta. I’ve been going to them for over 8 weeks now and I’ve noticed a pattern. My mental state is OK in the days leading up to the appointment, but the day before I start researching online. I start hunting for stories of other babies prenatally diagnosed with duplicated ureters, ureteroceles and kidney issues. I hunt for stories and statistics, desperately wanting to know what the chances are that I’ll go full time. What the percentage of cases are that require intervention in utero. There’s not much out there, but it doesn’t stop me from continuing to look.

Slowly my anxiety creeps back in. I start worrying that this will be the appointment where my amniotic fluid level is suddenly low. This will be the ultrasound that reveals her right kidney is starting to have issues. This will be the appointment where things get serious, fast. I mean, they’re already serious but we’re in a “wait and see” pattern hoping to make it to full term. Then the hope is that she has a normal output of wet diapers. And then the hope is that the tests at 2 weeks will come back as positive as possible and we can hold off on surgery until she’s at least 6 months old. But the wait and see nature is put on hold every other Wednesday when the doctor actually looks at Bridget and sees where we stand. The day leading up to this is hard for me. All the what-ifs roll around in my head.

The appointment itself is pleasant. The staff and doctor are wonderful and they know how to make a high-stress situation as calming as possible. Plus, I get to see my girl and am reassured that she’s still growing and holding strong. I love seeing her sweet nose – Julian’s nose – and watching her acrobatics in motion. It is comforting to hear she’s growing ahead of schedule and that she looks great aside from the kidney issues at hand. And it is even comforting to get to see the kidney and try to wrap my head around what I’m looking at on the ultrasound screen. I have yet to really lose it in the midst of the MFM appointment. I think it takes time for the new information to sink in.

But the evening after the appointment and much of the next day is when the sadness, anxiety and fear set in. This is the time when I’ll cry. This is when my husband looks at me and asks what is wrong. We handle these appointments differently. He hears the positive things the doctor is saying (or taking the good from the things the doctor’s AREN’T saying). Yet I don’t feel reassured by the appointments. My worry and the reality of the situation smacks me in the face each time. I crumble. I am so fearful of what could go wrong. And I cathartically need that day to wallow.

And then a day or two later the fog lifts and the cycle starts again. My anxiety lessens. My acute fear of the unknown lessens and I’m able to enjoy being pregnant again.

As hard as this all is, I hope the crushing depression sets in tomorrow night after an uneventful appointment. I can handle a day of sadness, because it means a 2 week reprieve is coming until the anxiety and fear starts again. I’m not really sure how I’d handle things if one of these appointments were to actually go bad. As Bridget flips around inside me as I write this, I pray with all my being that I don’t find out what happens if things go sour.

10 weeks and 2 days. That’s 5 more cycles to make it through. Please let me have those 5 more depressing days.

Sweet baby B, stay put. We’re not quite ready to meet you.

Waiting and Waiting

Today is the 3 week mark since my amniocentesis.  On the bright side, I didn't miscarry from the amnio as that window is 3 weeks after the test.  On the negative side, we're still waiting on the microarray results. And the longer we wait the more my mind spins.  Are they waiting for the cells to culture or are they trying to interpret the cultured cells?  Is something amiss and they're trying to figure out what it means?

I'm 23 weeks and 4 days today. So there will be no hard decision to make. Even if we were to get the results tomorrow, and if they were horrible, the time frame would be too short to do anything. I would have one day to make the worst decision of my life and logistically it probably couldn't even be carried out. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm somewhat relieved. I'm probably really relieved. The thought of having to decide what to do if makes my stomach churn. Now I know that I won't have to decide.  Yes, there is a sense of relief.

Yet I still don't know if there's a genetic issue. And I don't understand enough about what the microarray is looking at to know what sort of genetic issue we could be looking at. But that's where we are. So I'll continue hoping that Bridget's genes aren't wonky. If they are, we'll deal with it.

So it's time to turn to her kidney defect now that I know the pregnancy will continue. I have been trying to not get too attached to Bridget in the event that the genetic results were awful. I've failed in that endeavor. I'm attached. I have been for weeks. Months, actually. And now that the time clock has run, I am frightened about the course the next 17 weeks could take. I know there's a chance the right kidney could stop working properly. I know there are complications that can occur at any time. So I have tried to not get too excited about her arrival.  I have not bought her one thing. I've held pink onesies in my hand. I've taken a pint-sized star splattered sweater up to the register, only to return it to the rack. I've searched big bows on Etsy. Yet I can't buy anything pink yet. I'm so worried she won't get into my hands at the end of this.

I'm normally a glass half full type. I know I should be thinking positive thoughts and believing that everything will be ok. But for some reason, I can't.  I am so sad and find myself in tears most days at some point.  This is my child. My baby. I want so badly for her to be healthy and I am praying for her health every single day. I am hoping for it with everything I have. Yet I am still so fearful. I don't know how to let go of the fear. I don't know that everything will work out. And no one can reassure me that it will because no one can know what will happen.

The doctor told me to enjoy my pregnancy. I know that a defect in a kidney is small beans compared to some other birth defects we could be looking at instead.  But my emotions are flooded and I don't know how to listen to the logic in my brain. I hope to get some comfort at my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I pray he'll give me some good news that will pull me out of this depressive funk I'm in.

I know I am not being the strong mother that Bridget needs. I am not being the mother my boys need. I need to find a way to get past the fear and settle in for whatever may happen. I'm just not quite sure how to do that.

P.S. It has been brought to my attention that this post sounds as though I'm not functioning.  Perhaps it was a bit melodramatic. I am functioning on a day to day basis.  I'm still working everyday, showering most days and taking care of the boys (although Todd is being super dad, so that HAS helped). So please don't read this as though I'm not getting out of bed on the regular. I am.  I'm just not my usual happy self.  I'm scared and nervous. But I'm not depressed in the clinical sense. I've been there. I know what that entails and this is different. My tears right now are related to my worries and my heartbreak over what could happen. Although, to be fair, a therapist is probably not a bad idea.  So thanks to my dear friend for suggesting it. I'm glad I have friends who say something when they're worried about me. Xoxo

23 Weeks. Round 3.

I know I've missed the last few weeks of updates, but in an attempt to get back into the groove of this pregnancy, I'm back to document my weekly status.

21.5 week bump

How far along? 23 weeks today! (For comparison, go here for my 23 week questionnaire with Julian).

23 week bump.  In our bar/temp kitchen.
Clearly we need to update it from the 1970s.

Next OB appointment? Next Wednesday.  I see my OB here in Macon Wednesday morning for my 24 week checkup. I'm scheduled to meet the other midwife in the practice and after that will decide whether or not I'm going to switch OBs. I go back and forth on whether or not I think it'd be best to find another practice to deliver Bridget. The OB hasn't done anything "wrong" but I'm just not in love with them. I loved my OB in Atlanta and I know she's a hard act to follow. I feel like my MFM in Atlanta has Bridget's well-being under control, so as long as he thinks I can have a regular birth then I'll probably stay with my OB here.  After two births I know that, no matter who your OB is, the nurses at Labor & Delivery are the ones there to support you during the labor and you can't pick them. 

Next Wednesday afternoon I see the MFM in Atlanta for my next appointment to check on Bridget's kidney and my fluid level. I'm anxious for this appointment already. I want a peek at our girl and reassurance that she's thriving.

Total weight gain/loss? No clue. Probably big gain. I feel fat.

Maternity clothes?  Yes and they're getting old already.  I'm trying to not do any shopping but I have very few work appropriate maternity tops to wear that fit and a handful of my maternity dresses are too big.  So I did get a few more items from Gap today during a 40% off sale.

Stretch marks? Nothing new this pregnancy.

Sleep? I have a hard time falling asleep most nights but then I can't get out of bed in the morning.  It's a vicious cycle. 

Best moment last week? Breaking ground on our kitchen renovation. Our house is a hot mess right now, but that means we're close to our beautiful new kitchen.

This used to house our stove, trash compactor, sink & dishwasher plus upper cabinets!

More demo!

Demo day 2.  Goodbye ceiling and ugly light fixtures!

Look at the pretty wallpaper hiding behind the cabinets.

Day 2. The door to the dining room is gone and the opening is wider.
Let there be light!

This desk and upper cabinet was moved from the kitchen into our laundry room.
Command central's mess can now be hidden away behind a closed door!

Movement? Yes! Although, I have an anterior placenta for the first time so I don't feel her move nearly as much as I did the boys.

Food cravings? I don't have any serious cravings, I'm just generally hungry.  I fear the fun rapid-weight-gain stage of pregnancy has begun.

Food aversions? Not really.

Gender? Team Pink!

Labor signs? Nope.

Belly button in/out? In but starting to look funny.

What I miss: My carefree pregnancy before the 20 week ultrasound.

What I am looking forward to: Going to the MFM next Wednesday and seeing Bridget.  I'm also excited for this kitchen renovation.  We even decided to add another bedroom to our house to give Bridget her very own room without having to put the boys in a room together. The contractor opened the wall to put in her bedroom door today and he's starting on the wall tomorrow!  I'm excited to plan and decorate a girly nursery.

Hallway looking into what will be Bridget's room!  This will be her door.
The electricians have some work to do...

Pink fabric samples!
 The glider is already covered in the plaid/houndstooth fabric in the bottom right and my mom isn't keen on recovering it again, so we're trying to find other fabrics to complement it.

Milestones: Julian moved into a big boy toddler bed this week!   And Lukas has his first soccer game (and daddy is the coach)!!!

No Update

We haven't heard from the doctor in a week so we're still waiting on the results of Bridget's microarray analysis. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm telling myself that most of the big, scary things have already been ruled out. Which helps a bit. But I know there are other scary things that are still possible. And there is the chance that they'll find something but not know what it means, which would just cause more worry and wonder.  Doing this amnio was opening Pandora's box in a way. It can be comforting to have information, but at what point is the information toxic?

I'll be 23 weeks tomorrow. I feel Bridget move on a regular basis. The contractor is at our house right now working on our house renovations that will include creating Bridget's room. I talk to her daily. She's not just an abstract thing anymore. She's this real person growing inside me. At this point I'm pretty sure I'll continue the pregnancy regardless of the microarray results. I hope I didn't jinx myself by saying that out loud. But it's true. I feel like I'm in this now. Plus, we're more or less to the point of viability. So there's that. I hate that my head still contemplates this what if decision. I wish I could just turn it off. I suppose that won't happen until the doctor calls. Or until next Thursday when I'm 24 weeks and there is no decision to be made.

I'm now nervous about her kidney. I can handle her having one kidney when she's born (well, she can handle having one kidney since I'm told that's all she'll need to thrive). It's this waiting every 2 weeks for another ultrasound to check on her progress that is so hard. There was a sense of relief last Wednesday when the MFM told us what he saw (and didn't see for that matter). It lasted a few days. I'm a week away from my next appointment and I'm wondering what's going on in there. Is the fluid in the kidney/cyst/urinoma accumulating more? Is her right kidney still functioning properly? Is my amniotic fluid level staying at a normal level or is it dropping? And yet all I can do is try to stay calm and wait. I know my worrying and stressing out isn't good for me or Bridget, but I can't turn it off. The fear is sitting with me every minute of every day. The doctor told me to enjoy my pregnancy, but really, how am I supposed to do that?

A friend posted on Facebook earlier this week that Worry is believing God won't get it right.  I so wish I had faith that would allow me to believe those words. But my relationship with God has always been complicated. But you can bet your ass we're talking on a regular basis and I'm praying and pleading and begging for her to be healthy. I believe in the power of prayer and the collective consciousness that can move mountains, so thank you for your continued prayers.

And speaking of prayer, please say a prayer for my sorority sister Liz who is awaiting results from a brain biopsy. She is such a sweet soul, a young mother, professional woman and loving wife. Pray that she gets good results this week and that she finds some peace in the waiting.

Saint Bridgid's Cross

This weekend I received a gift in the mail from my sister-in-law, Casey. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received in my life. And her note had me in tears.

She sent me a necklace with St. Bridgid's cross. Isn't is beautiful? 

We chose to name our baby girl Bridget because it means strength. Casey did some more research about the meaning behind the name.  I love this name even more after reading what she found.

The name comes from that of a saint - St. Bridgid (Irish Spelling). St. Bridgit sees the beauty and good in God and all his creation. She is gentle and compassionate with a happy and devoted nature. She is strong, gets things done, and most importantly is an original. 

What more could a mother hope for her daughter?

Casey's next words are so true.  

I will wear my St. Bridgid's cross to remind myself to be strong just like my girl.  This wait is so hard and as much as I try to relax and hope for the best, I'm constantly on edge.  I know whatever will be, will be, but the tears continue to come and the fear hasn't left just yet.

I feel so lucky to have such an incredible family by my side and a wide network of friends to support me during this pregnancy.  You all are helping us more than you know.

And to Case, I love you sister.  Thank you for your words and the beautiful gift.  Bridget is lucky to have aunts who already love her so much!

Baby Bridget Update

Todd and I had a good day yesterday and are feeling positive for the first time since this whirlwind began. We received a call that the full karyotype that looks at all of the baby's chromosomes in detail came back NORMAL! So the only other genetic test we're waiting on is the microarray analysis that identifies chromosomal abnormalities, including submicroscopic abnormalities that are too small to be detected by conventional karyotyping. (This is all way over my head...) So that's the final piece of the genetic puzzle and hopefully we'll hear (good) news on that later this week.

We also went to Atlanta for a second opinion on Bridget's kidney and other issues. Perhaps the best part of the visit was seeing that she does NOT have the choroid plexus cysts on her brain, her neck size is normal and her bowel is fine! So 3 of the 4 concerns are gone....in ten days! (So were they ever there or did everyone's positive vibes and prayers help them go away? We'll never know - we weren't actually shown the problems on the first u/s and were relying on the doctor's analysis of the scans so we can't know. And frankly, I don't care. I'm just thrilled they're gone!)

We learned more about her kidney defect, but it sounds promising. She either has one large cyst in her left kidney, a urinoma or an extra kidney that's gone haywire (this is my obviously nonmedical interpretation of what the doc said). The doctor was able to spot some normal left kidney tissue, which is really positive news, so it's possible she has some function in her left kidney but we won't know until she's born! We'll meet with the pediatric urologist at CHOA in a few weeks or so and continue monitoring the kidney until she's here. There are still hurdles to getting her here so I'll go for ultrasounds ever 2 weeks to keep an eye on her - there are possible interventions that will be needed while she's in utero but we're hoping to avoid those. For now it's wait and see and hope for the best! We really need her right kidney to keep working properly so please keep the prayers coming!

Thank you again to all for reaching out and for sending your prayers and positive energy. It means more than we can adequately express! xo

The Emotional Side of Waiting

The maternal fetal specialist called this morning with more results from my amniocentesis. The full karyotype that looks at all of Bridget's chromosomes in detail and can show up other chromosome disorders and abnormal genes aside from those tested in the FISH test will still not come back for another week or so.  But we did receive more good news this morning!  The lab used part of the amniotic fluid to test for any fetal infections or parasites, which can cause the echogenic bowel.  Thankfully these tests came back negative!

So yet another hurdle crossed.  To be honest, I had no idea they were using some of the sample to test for an infection or parasite. I assume the doctor explained this to us, but I was in my own head and sobbing by the time we were discussing the amnio so I didn't hear much after the whole brain cyst announcement.  (Which, by the way, are more common than I realized and almost always resolve themselves.)

I had a rough day yesterday and didn't feel well. My energy was extremely low and I generally didn't feel right. So of course I was worried that something was wrong with me or the baby. I spent the day Googling the time frame for a miscarriage after an amnio.  Most instances occur in the first 72 hours, but a miscarriage up to 3 weeks after the amnio is said to be correlated to the test. I also was worried that I was leaking amniotic fluid. Normal pregnancy discharge which typically doesn't give you a second thought suddenly becomes the enemy in the days after an amnio.  Is that fluid or discharge? This question is on repeat in my brain.  The doctor assured me that I'd know if I was leaking and would have to change panties as it's a constant stream, but I am still paranoid.

And of course I started questioning my decision of having the amnio at all.  I still think it was the right choice given all that was found on the ultrasound, but as we get further away and positive results are coming in, I'm wondering if I made the right decision. I didn't even ask any questions about the test when it was suggested. I just said yes. I already knew there was a miscarriage risk. But I didn't even ask what all was being tested for. I didn't ask if there was an alternative. I didn't take time to consider what I would do with the results.  Well, if I'm being honest, in that moment when she was listing off all the bad things they'd discovered, my first thought was, I cannot do this. I cannot raise a child with a severe disability. I'm not strong enough and it's just not happening. I can't do that to my boys. I will not do this. So I guess I didn't need time to ponder what I'd do with the results. My gut reaction was clear.

As was the one question I did ask after saying yes to the amnio: "What is the cutoff for an abortion in the state of Georgia."  The words just came out of my mouth. I needed to know if there would even be an option on the table. I'd still want to know what I was dealing with even if I had no option but to carry the baby to term, but that wasn't why I asked the question. When she said 24 weeks, I was relieved. I was 20 weeks + 4 days and even if the results took two weeks to come back, at least I still had an option. I know some people will fault me for that, but it's the truth in my thinking. I was taken aback by my own thoughts. I've always been pro-choice but I never thought I would be in the position of having to consider an abortion, never mind a late term abortion. In all honesty, I've heard the rumblings of those pushing for a 20 week abortion ban and I've always thought that was reasonable. Who in their right mind would even consider an abortion after 20 week?  Turns out, I would.

The morning before this terrible appointment, my daily Scary Mommy email summary was sitting in my inbox. One of the articles was entitled Why a 20-Week Abortion Ban Is Scary for All Women. I'd never considered this side of the debate. When I read the article that morning I certainly didn't think I'd be in her shoes, contemplating what I would do if the very bad news was delivered to me. But I encourage you to read her words.  I wouldn't ever attempt to know what is best for another person and I know that a decision like this is a deeply personal one. Yet, for many it is black and white. However, I firmly believe that you cannot possibly know what it is like to contemplate this decision until you are actually faced with making it. So far we're lucky to not actually have to make this decision, and I pray every day that we don't have to make it. But I don't think there are enough voices out there telling the personal side of this decision.  I have been feeling my baby girl move inside me for weeks now. She is deeply, deeply wanted by my family. And yet I am grateful that there are still options on the table should the last part of the amnio results come back with awful news.

Todd and I have had a lot of difficult conversations since Monday. What would we actually do? Could we actually go through with it if we were faced with bad news? Initially we were both  shocked and felt there was no way we could continue the pregnancy if we were given bad news.  And we both have felt deep shame for even having those thoughts. What does it say about my character that my initial reaction was that I would end the pregnancy? I felt that the fact that I was even considering that choice this far along made me an awful person. It doesn't. I know that now. We feel what we feel. We cannot censor our own internal feelings and to not acknowledge them will just cause guilt and residual negative feelings in what is already a difficult time.

I would say that as our conversations have continued, we both lightened our stance. We convinced each other that we were stronger than we realized. That the boys are more resilient than we were giving them credit for. We could, perhaps, handle the very bad news and continue with the pregnancy no matter the results, even if our sweet girl would be stillborn or would die a minute, an hour, or a few days after birth. It would not be easy, but we could do it.  The scariest outcome to me would be a diagnosis whereby she could survive birth but would have no quality of life. If she would suffer and be hooked up to machines and not even know us or feel our love. Would that be the best option for her? I don't know. I truly don't.

I can honestly say that at this point I don't know what decision we would make. I think it would depend on the specifics of her diagnosis. In a way it would be a relief to not be able to make a decision and to have to ride it out no matter what.  To be faced with the choice is a burden in itself, but it is a burden I would rather bear than the alternative of not being able to make medical decisions for myself and my child.

To think about the potential decision on a daily basis has been torture, but I can't escape the thoughts. It is constantly sitting below the surface.  What would I do?  I pray with every fiber of my being that I do not have to find out how I would answer that question.