The Time is Never Right

I read another interesting article on the work-life balance conversation recently. I love this topic and know there's no one path that works for each family.  But it helps to keep talking about the issues we all face!

When we decided to move to Macon over a year ago we made the decision to put my husband's job first.  This was a hard decision (especially as I was on the cusp of making partner at my firm), but it was right for our family. He has his dream job as an Assistant U.S. Attorney. And in 8 weeks I will fully step back from my legal job. It might be until Bridget is 4-6 months old, or it might be indefinite.  I'm not sure yet.  But December 18th has been set as my last day.

I'm excited and petrified by the possibility. I'll get more time with my kids and won't have to hand Bridget over to someone else to return to a job I sometimes loathe.  I won't be sitting at a desk 8 hours a day. But I will be stepping away from a career I've spent a lot of money on and for which I'll still be paying student loans for years to come. I don't know if I can get back in the game if I completely leave and that is where the massive fear comes from. Will that time, money and schooling have been for naught? Will I regret this choice?

But what about the other things out there?  What if I devoted more hours a week to my Beautycounter business that I truly love?  What if I actually wrote that book I've been wanting to write? What if I got yoga-teacher certified or became a lactation consultant like I've dreamed? What if I find that thing that I don't even know is my thing yet?

And how will my family life change? How much stress can I take away from my husband by taking over the morning drop off so he can always get to work on time? How much stress of my own will be relieved by being able to devote our mornings to the kids rather than rushing around trying to throw myself together too? And our evenings? What will happen when I can prep dinner while the boys are at school and then actually spend time WITH them when I pick them up?  How will their behavior change when they are no longer stuck in aftercare until 5pm every day?  I am so excited by these changes. 

So why am I so afraid? Why can I not answer the question "What do you want to do once Bridget is here?"  I was asked it this morning by my boss, but I couldn't respond.  In truth we won't know the extent of Bridget's medical needs until she's here, but I used that as an excuse to not commit to anything right now.  A convenient by-product of her diagnosis.  Hey, I'm trying to find the silver linings where I can.  

Yet in my heart I already know.  I want to step away from the law. It's not my passion.  It never was.

I know what I'm giving up.  But I don't think I fully understand the potential of what I have to gain.  The timing is never right to make big changes.  I'll never feel we're financially settled to take this big pay cut. But sometimes you have to leap. Sometimes you have to trust that it will all work out.

I think it's finally time to run and do what I need to do.  I'm ready to find out who I am when I finally lay aside my lawyer's hat.  Maybe I'll put it on again one day.  Maybe that day will be sooner than later.  But maybe, just maybe, I'll never look back.

Julian's Birth Story

My littlest baby, Julian, turned 3 months old a few weeks ago.  So I figure it's high time I jot down his birth story before I forget it....

So going back in time to Friday, July 12.  I went to work that day expecting to go back to work the following Monday.  I was only 39 weeks and 3 days at that point.  Lukas was born at 40 weeks plus 3 days so I figured I might as well get comfortable.  I even had Mr. Cob snap a picture of my growing belly that night.

39 weeks + 3 day belly

We woke up Saturday morning and went about our day.  We did something for breakfast, donuts maybe?  (See I'm already forgetting).  And then we went to the bank.  I decided I should probably cook some food to freeze for after the baby arrived so we then headed off to the Farmers Market.  I didn't really want to go but we'd already made the fatal mistake of mentioning the farmers market to Lukas so there was no way we weren't going after that.  So off we went.  It was at some point in the late morning that I noticed the contractions.  Nothing painful.  Nothing consistent.  On we went with our day.

Our good friends' son was having his first birthday party that afternoon so after cooking a few meals in the early afternoon we headed over for the party.  Sitting in the car I realized the contractions were somewhat timeable.  About every 7-8 minutes.  I was still unconvinced.

I spent all afternoon chatting with friends at the party and watching Lukas and his friends play, so I didn't really notice the contractions.  But on the car ride home (around 6:30pm) they began again.  Every 7 or so minutes again.  We got home and put Lukas to bed and I figured I'd cook the rest of my freezer meals in an effort to distract myself.  Finally around 9pm, with contractions hanging around every 7 minutes, we decided to call my parents to give them a heads up and said they could come over if they wanted.  My mom said there's no way she could sleep now knowing the real thing might be happening, so they decided to head over. 

They arrived a little after 10pm.  Mom helped me finish making enchiladas while dad and Mr. Cob watched TV.  Lukas continued snoozing away, unaware that anything was happening.  The contractions were about 6 minutes apart but not painful.  I took a bath at one point to relax and thought about laying down for a bit but everyone else was more concerned than I was and around midnight Mr. Cob convinced me to call my OB.  My OB said that I could head to the hospital at any time, but it sounded to her like things were happening!  I was still not convinced.  (Sidenote, I LOVE my OB.  As in, may have another baby just to hang out with her on a regular basis again.  Even though I had clearly woken her up from a deep sleep, she chatted with me on the phone for 10 minutes, at midnight, about how excited she was that my little boy was finally coming.  I mean, really, she is Fabulous!)

So at that point I decided to actually pack a hospital bag and we left around 2am for Northside.  Eerily it was the same time we went to the hospital for Lukas' birth.  I was convinced we were in for a long labor (remember Lukas wasn't born until almost 3pm the next day).  And I still wasn't even uncomfortable.  I thought we'd get to the hospital and be turned back for a false alarm.  Before I go any further I need to make note of what has now become one of my favorite parts of being in labor - the car ride to the hospital with my husband.  We are both so giddy and excited and we sing very loudly to fun music.  It's just a burst of fun before the "labor" part of labor begins.

We arrive at the hospital and a sweet security guard asks if I need a wheelchair.  I do not.  (I'm still convinced this isn't happening).  We check in and wait for the nurse to take us back to our room.  We get in our room (one without a window) and I get hooked up to the fetal monitor.  In case I didn't mention it with Lukas, the fetal monitor is one of the most uncomfortable parts about the whole thing.  They wrap a band tightly around your gigantic belly and the thing is so tight it leaves marks.  I hate it.  Anyway, she checked my progress (about 2-3 cm) and confirmed that the contractions were about 6 minutes apart, so we were staying.  The real deal had truly begun!

Then the nurse left and said she'd be back and to try to rest.  Mr. Cob passed out on the "sofabed" and I got a little sleep myself.  I could only get comfortable on my side though, and they lost the baby's heartbeat every time I laid on my side so eventually around 6am I had to turn back over.  I was still in no pain at this point.  I noticed the contractions but didn't have to breathe through them or anything.

Here I am after my night's "sleep"....

And here's Mr. Cob...ha

At 6:30 the nurse came in to say my OB wanted to start me on pitocin since nothing was really progressing. I asked if we could give it 30 more minutes to see if things would pick up on their own. She agreed. Nothing progressed. So they started the pitocin. (Which, if you're keeping score, I'm now 2 for 2 on the pit front. Oh well.) Around this point someone checked me and I was like 3 cm, so not much progress.

My OB came in around 8:30 to check on things. The pitocin had made the contractions pick up in timing, but they still weren't of the painful variety.  She checked me and said I was closer to 4cm.  She then broke my water.  Now, let's talk about this for a second.  I had thought I felt some leaking before the big water breaking event, but chalked it up to wishful thinking.  Well after the water breaking (the big gush variety), which took her some time (we think his head was really low and was preventing the water from breaking on its own), things started to pick up.  As in I went from totally cool and in no pain to having to breathe through the contractions and really concentrate in the span of 30 minutes.  By 9:30am I was in some serious pain, but still breathing through.  By 9:45am I lost my mind and was screaming for drugs.

The anesthesiologist was called and on his way.  This did not change the fact that I completely lost it from about 9:45am -10am.  The pain was too intense.  My nurse (Katherine Hill, who just happens to have the same name as my BFF) was INCREDIBLE.  And so was Mr. Cob.  If it wasn't for them I'm not sure I could've made it through that 30 minute span before the doc gave me the epidural.  It was rough.  The contractions were very intense and very close together.  I do think the hypnobirthing techniques I learned with Lukas (and practiced during my nightly meditations before bed this go around) helped keep the pain at bay for as long as it did and helped me somewhat breathe through the really bad contractions.

Finally the doc with the goods arrived to get rid of the pain.

But I lost it again when he was there because the mere thought of a needle in my spine sends me over the edge.  Thankfully he was quick and painless (seriously, the insertion of the epidural did NOT hurt).  And within 5 minutes the pain was gone completely.  BUT, the pressure started before the anesthesiologist even left the room.  The pressure down there.  You know, there there.  I mentioned it to the nurse and the anesthesiologist and they just figured it was nothing. 

Well it wasn't nothing.  Thirty minutes later (about 11am) the nurse was back to check me.  I looked at her like she was crazy because I knew nothing had happened since the last time I was checked.  Wrong.  Ten centimeters baby!  It was time to go.  (Sidenote:  if there is a baby #3, and I'm not saying there will be, I will ask to be checked once more before getting the epidural.  Looking back, I think I was probably in transition when I got the epidural.  I am not crazy or against the epidural, but if I'd known the finish line was so close, I think I would have opted to skip the epidural ONLY because it took seemingly forever to wear off this time and I couldn't walk for hours after delivering J.)  So at eleven am I was ready to go but my OB was not there.  The nurse called to tell her it was time, like N.O.W.

So my OB arrived around 11:15 and got set up.  And when she was ready I started pushing.  (We need another sidenote at this point.  There were only 4 people in the room for the pushing this time: my OB, Katie Hill the nurse, my hubby and me.  With Lukas there was about 12 people in the room.  Seriously.  The was meconium when my water broke so the neonatal care team was brought in.  I hadn't realized with Lukas that if there are no reasons to suspect complications, there are very few people in the room.  I much preferred only having 3 spectators!)  So back to the pushing.  I pushed three, maybe four times and out he came.

It's true what they say, your heart simply expands and you truly can love another child as much as your first.  I did not believe this until I saw Julian for the first time.  We are truly blessed to have him in our lives and it's hard to think of our family before him.  It simply feels like he has always been a part of it.

Julian Rhys

What the "Experts" Fail to Talk About

So thanks to the folks who have filled out my little survey!  So far, the lead contender for an increase in air time is Being a Working Mom.  It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts on this very hot button issue, so let's check in for an update.

If you read the news (and I consider Huffington Post and CNN to be the news), then you know the whole work-life-balance/working mom/can women have it all topic has been HOT HOT HOT lately.  From Marissa Mayer to Anne-Marie Slaughter and most recently Sheryl Sandberg's new book, the issue is all over the place.  And critics are hitting it from every angle.  Except for one.  People don't seem to talk about the emotinal side of being a working mom.

It's one thing to tell women to "Lean In" at work and take on more duties.  Or to let go of the mom-guilt and stop trying to be perfect in your appearance, house and child-rearing.  And to not set yourself up to fail by say jumping off the partner track before you even have a child.  These are all easy to say in a vacuum, but in reality, they are hard things to do.  And they are impossible to do without experiencing the feelings that go along with doing these things.

One article I read today highlighted a mother who said she didn't mind missing her daughter's 4th birthday because we all turn 4 and it's just another birthday.  The author applauded this mom for taking her career seriously and not letting mom-guilt eat her up for missing her daughter's birthday.  I say bravo to that woman, but that's not for all women.  That is not me.  Nor do I ever strive for that to be me.  I never want to be OK with missing my child's birthday.  No matter the cost.  There is no work accomplishment that I can think of that would make missing my kid's birthday OK.  And if I did have to miss the birthday, you can be damn sure I'd be torn up about it and have a hard time holding back tears when someone asks how it feels to be missing a milestone. 

I don't judge this woman for being OK with missing this event in her daughter's life.  To each her own.  But what I do find offensive is the insinuation that to be a successful working mom/career woman, you have to give up on the "mom" part a little.  You have to be OK with being a little less in your mom world.  And I am not OK with that.

I don't know if women can have it all.  I don't know if I want it all.  I do know I don't want it all if it means I'm not there for all the crucial aspects of my kids' lives.  And the hard part, when you're the mom, and especially when your kids are young, is that it all feels crucial.  It is hard to miss any of it.

Some days my son still cries and clings to my leg when I drop him off at daycare.  He is 2 years and 4 months old.  The last 7 days in a row he has begged me or my husband not to leave him.  These mornings are heartbreaking.  And we are leaving him somewhere that we love, with people who have become family to us.  But he is not with his mom or his dad.  For 9 hours a day, 5 days a week he is not with one of his parents.  That is more than a 3rd of his day spent apart from us.  And he is only 2 years old.  It breaks my heart when I really think about it.

I tell myself many things to get through the hours of 8-5 when we're apart.  I tell myself that he is thriving at school.  That he is such a cheerful boy and his social skills are stellar.  I tell myself that his teachers do more with him at school than I would do at home - they draw, they paint, they sing songs.  I tell myself that he is happy and what more could I possibly want or hope for him.  I tell myself these things daily.  But I'm not sure I believe them.  Yet I keep telling myself them.  I will them to be true.  Perhaps they are.  But I have doubts and I have guilt and I have a deep fear that I'll regret the decisions I'm making today in the future.  I worry I'll feel as though I missed his childhood.  That I wasn't there enough.

And while this isn't one of those posts to boost other working mom's up and convince you that you too can do it, it is an honest post.  It is a struggle for me to be a full-time working mom.  Some days are very hard.  I miss my son when I am at work.  I have no less than ten pictures of him up in my office so I can look at his smiling face while I'm away.  I watch videos of him on my iphone while I'm eating my lunch.  I race to daycare at 5pm eager to see him, as picking him up is the best part of my day.

While the world keeps debating the "having it all" question, I hope people start talking about the feelings of it a little more.  Because I think it's important for us working moms to admit that sometimes we aren't tough like men and we do feel very strong emotions about being away from our children all day.  And I'm not ready to simply push those feelings aside in order to just lean in.  I'm pretty sure I couldn't even if I tried.  And for me, I don't want to try.

Mini Moustache

A little humor for your Monday morning.  Enjoy!

(make sure your volume is turned up...it gets silly around the 55 second mark!)

Quick Cali Trip

Luke and I were in California the past 4 days visiting my brother and nephew, with my parents thrown in as an added bonus.  Our trip was amazing.  Lukas and Stuart LOVE each other and played great together.  They were two little wild monkeys and played the entire time we were there.  They make quite the pair.

I can't wait for our next visit out West...



Michigan Getaway

We've been in Michigan the past four days visiting Mr. Cob's family. It was a great trip. Relaxing. Recharging. Much needed.

A few pictures from the lake...

Happy Monday!

Monday, we meet again. 

I'm just glad it's today and not yesterday.  See, I woke up yesterday morning and groaned in my head about how I didn't want to get dressed and go to work.  And then it hit me: It's Sunday silly - no work today!  I love when that happens.  (Hate when I wake up on a school day thinking it's the weekend though... does that happen to anyone else?)

We had a fantastic weekend.  It was one of those weekends that felt like it lasted for three weeks. Have you had those weekends?  Time slowed down and I was able to really enjoy my friends and family and life.  I was truly happy this weekend.  We spent time laughing with good friends Friday night.  We saw Eugene Mirman at the Laughing Skull in midtown.  He is a hilarious comedian - check him out if you have an opportunity! 



Mr. Cob with comedian Eugene Mirman



Saturday morning Mr. Cob and I ran errands while my parents watched Lukas. We talked. We connected again. It's good to do that when you have little kids. It's too easy to put them first and your marriage second. I think that's the wrong order of things. Happy parents will make for happier kids. We are blessed to have family close by who offer to watch Lukas on a regular basis so we can make time for each other. But we're already lining up sitters for my parents two month getaway later this summer.  It really is important to have some kid-free time with your spouse.  Even if you have to pay someone for that time.

Saturday afternoon we took Lukas to the pool and the park and then celebrated my mom's birthday.  Sunday we went to the new doughnut shop in our neighborhood - Revolution Doughnuts - it goes against any diet I've ever been on, but it was worth the splurge!  Vanilla Bean.  Almond.  Dark Chocolate.  Salted Carmel.  (We just missed the salted carmel with BACON.  I mean really?  Heavenly.)  Seriously, check out these doughnuts if you live in the area!  It was worth waiting in the line around the block.

Lukas drenched from the splash park

We spent the rest of the morning at the Old Fourth Ward Splash Pad and park.  Lukas is always a bit leery of the water at first, so he starts by playing on the playground, works up a good sweat and then once he's hot enough he loves running in the fountains.  He fell asleep in the car while he was still eating his snack.  I'd say it was a successful morning!

My tired boy!  Oops - momma may have forgot to bring dry clothes...

While Lukas napped (in his crib, not the car seat...), I snuck out of the house for some alone time.  I'd say it was the perfect afternoon.  I did a little shopping and then got a pedicure.  In other words, I was able to sit for an hour, in a chair that massaged my back, while someone else did my toenails and I read another 100 pages of Fifty Shades Darker.  Yes, I'm currently ready the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  And despite what should be embarrassment, I am totally obsessed with these books.  Judge if you must.  But, oh my. 

Our late afternoon was spent at the Farmer's Market, getting the week's groceries.  Followed by planting my three tomato plants and then eating dinner outside on our back deck - a first after over three years in our house!

It really was a wonderful weekend.  I hope yours was equally amazing. 

What'd you do this weekend?  Anyone else reading Fifty Shades?

Guns, Horses & Meat

I was a country girl this Easter weekend.  The highlights of which included riding a horse for the very first time, shooting a 20 gauge shotgun and breaking my vegetarian streak by consuming steak, fried chicken and pulled pork all within a 48 hour span.

My little Easter bunny

We spent the weekend at a hunting lodge in South Georgia with a group of friends and their kiddos.  Lukas loved the fresh air and took a 3 and half hour nap one day!  I enjoyed hanging with my girlfriends and my two boys.  Lukas and his friend Elise even did an Easter egg hunt! I thought they were too young and wouldn't catch on to the hunt part, but they did - I'll post some pictures when I get them uploaded.  It was a wonderful weekend getaway. 

In the meantime, here's a video of my little guy from last week.  It's long, but the entire thing cracks me up. This is such a fun age!

Up's Day

Today is a very special man's birthday. Today is Up's birthday.  (And if you're a new reader, I should explain that UP is my dad.  He now goes by Up because both of his grandsons call him Up.  Lukas also raises his hands in the air (i.e. UP) when we talk about him.  It's cute.)

Many years ago he told me that your age goes in reverse when you hit 50.  It's always been our little joke.  By this method of calculating age, daddy and I turn the same age this year - 31!

For his birthday, here are some of my favorite memories/factoids of my daddy (in totally random order):

1. When I was little and had a loose tooth, he would tie one end of the dental floss around the tooth and the other end around a door knob and then slam the door.  I loved it.

2.  He was my first date to a dance - the daddy daughter dance when I was in first grade.  It was western themed.

3.  He tried to teach me to parallel park when I was 15 and we didn't speak to each other on the car ride home.  It did not go well.  

4.  He bought me a Barbie once I could juggle the soccer ball 5 times.

5.  He may or may not have influenced my decision to go to UGA (where my tuition was free thanks to the Hope Scholarship) by promising me a car.  And I may or may not have lured him to Carmax under the pretense that I wanted a 0% interest Mitsubishi only to fall in love with a used BMW when we got there.

6.  When I graduated from high school he said he was proud of me since he hadn't actually graduated from high school himself and this made me laugh and smile.  (He has a GED and an MBA!)

7.  We share a mutual love of the movies Groundhog Day, Dirty Dancing and What about Bob.  My mom does not share this feeling.

8.  The morning of my wedding, we had breakfast together - just the two of us.

9.  He has given me an angel figurine every year for years.

10. His other name, aside from daddy and Up, is Narf Erasec.

11. We sing a pretty mean version of Palisades Park.

12.  He has always been my biggest supporter in everything I've done.

 

Happy Birthday daddy.  I love you!  

Question 3

So back to the 30 questions, which I will probably not answer in 30 days, but hey, let's consider it an ongoing project. So Question #3...

Describe your relationship with your parents.

This is an easy one.  I have a great relationship with my parents.  They live only 35 miles away and we see them on average once a week.  My mom and I talk on the phone about once a day.  Sometimes to chat for a while, others to just check in.  She's an amazing mom and has provided me a wonderful example on how to be a good mother.  We know how to push each other's buttons (don't all moms and daughters?!), but I love her with all my heart and am so happy she lives close by.  And as far as my relationship with my dad, I'm a daddy's girl.  Always have been, always will be.  I still call him daddy and hug and kiss him every time I say goodbye.  He always walks me out to my car and watches as I pull down the driveway, waving at me before he goes inside.  It always makes me smile.  My parents are both amazing and I'm lucky to have them.

Monday Monday

We had an interesting weekend.  It was great in many respects and not-so-great in others. 

The weekend review bullet-point style:

• Friday night grilled cheeses with brie and the best broccoli of your life
• 10K Saturday morning on a VERY hilly course - Mr. Cob pushed Lukas in the jogging stroller the entire way (so proud of him as he's a self proclaimed running-hater)!
• BBQ Saturday afternoon with great friends where I accidentally ate some bacon, but otherwise remained vegetarian
• Saturday night at the emergency vet until midnight with a very sick dog
• Lukas had his first sleepover.  With a girl.  We are lucky to have great friends who will take our kid at 9pm on a Saturday night so we can take care of our pup
• Sunday morning coffee with friends
• Sunday afternoon consignment sale shopping (me) / lawn-killing in preparation of backyard renovation 2012 (Mr. Cob)
• Sunday late afternoon/evening dinner with friends and playing outside with the kiddos

Our pup is still at the vet and they don't know exactly what's wrong.  Perhaps she ate a squirrel or other small animal, or she ate something toxic - we just don't know.  We're hoping and praying she gets better soon and can come home because we miss our girl!

Back to the Kid

I've been talking way too much about me, my feelings and what I'm eating lately.  It's time to turn back to the kiddo.

Mr. Cob caught us reading a book last night.  One of our favorite books, in fact.  It's a Little Book by Lane Smith.  You can get it here.  Lukas' aunt is a first grade teacher so she's in the know about good kids books and she gave this book to Lukas.  He loves it.  It'd be a great gift for a friend's new baby or first birthday.  Also, while we're talking about great gift ideas, any book by Mo Willems would also be a great choice.  (Our personal favorite is The Pigeon Wants a Puppy.  Or does she?)

Anyway, back to the book.  Lukas loves it.  We read it at least once a day.  And by read, I mean we actively read it.  Lukas now does the motions for us, and it's freaking adorable.

(Note: Please disregard my after-work hair and attire.  Kay, thanks.)

My favorite is the emailing.  And the quacking.

Vacation Roundup

We have been in California for a week spending time with family and enjoying the beautiful SoCal weather.  We leave tomorrow.  It will not be easy to say goodbye.  

This video perfectly sums up our trip.

It has been full of joy and dancing.

Hungry, Yes. But Hopping?

It's been raining a lot in the ATL lately.  A. Lot.  And rain means one thing when you have a toddler at home.  No outdoor playground time resulting in a rowdy kiddo who can't run around and burn off all their pent up energy. 

But I recently found an indoor playground called Hippo Hop.  I didn't realize hippos hopped.  I mean, they're quite large and I imagine it'd be difficult to get that much mass off the ground at one time to jump.  But, I'll buy it.  Sure.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, Hippo Hop.  It's essentially a big building with six or seven inflatable bounce/jump houses and a random assortment of surely germ-infested toys.  You just kind of have to ignore the whole germ thing.  As Mr. Cob says, it builds their immunities. 

So, before we went to hop like hippos, I assumed that Lukas was too young to really enjoy the bounce houses.  But I was wrong.  He. Loved. It.  He even loved when I accidentally double bounced him and he fell flat on his face after flying high into the air.  I was waiting for the tears and he just rolled over and started laughing loudly.  He's a dare devil, this one.  The best part is that there is one bounce house dedicated to the little tyke crowd (3 and under).  I had to play bad cop mom and kick a bunch of 5+ year olds out, but hey, I don't call him my "little" man for nothing - the kid could get trampled by a beefy 4 year old, never mind a wild 8 year old.  Momma's gotta watch our for her little buddy.

If you have a wee one at home and haven't checked out one of these places, it's worth it. (And FYI, for you Atlanta mommas, I've been told that Monkey Joes in Roswell and Leaping Lizards in Decatur, are similar indoor bounce/playgrounds).  Hippo Hop is only $5 ($3.75 if you buy a $30 prepaid card) a visit/kid (adults free!) with no time limit.  I think that's pretty cheap for a rainy afternoon.  Especially considering all the jumping wiped Lukas out and he took a good, long nap afterward.  And what mom wouldn't pay a few bucks to ensure a few hours of quiet later in the day?!

Mr. Cob's 2011 Christmas Letter

[BACKGROUND: For the past four years, Mr. Cob and I have sent out a Christmas letter and picture to our friends and family.  This year was no different.  The letter is always filled with footnotes - it's Mr. Cob's signature style.  After a request to post it for those not on our "official" Christmas card list, I decided to share it with my loyal readers.  I hope you've had a wonderful Christmas, and spending time with your family.  This year has been especially joyous for me.  Seeing Lukas and my nephew play and dance together has been the highlight of my year.  Without further ado, the letter...]

Dearest Family and Friends:

Hello this is the Swans sending you season’s greetings and yet another letter filled almost entirely with fabrications and half-truths.(1)  In our last episode, Lukas had just been born (November), and Mrs. Swan and Mr. Cob… well to be honest, last year Lukas was born. That’s about it really.(2) If you are even marginally competent at math, you will realize that this year’s letter will mostly focus on the first year of Lukas’ life, or as doctor’s call it “his first year.”

So let’s get some of the housekeeping out of the way. Mrs. Swan went back to work at [insert law firm name] at the end of January where she continues her banking/public finance work. When she isn’t being the most amazing mom in Atlanta, she is busy with her great girlfriends and continuing her blog,(3) and starting in January, she will be doing a monthly blog post at the parenting website “Dr. Z and Friends.”(4) Mr. Cob continues to practice at [insert law firm name here] and had his first solo federal jury trial in November, which went well. Becoming a father has finally given Mr. Cob a receptive, albeit confused, audience for his crazy voices and characters.(5)

If you have been paying attention, you will now have determined that this means that Lukas is home by himself for much of the day or that maybe he is working too, probably in catering. First of all, he would probably eat all the food(6) and secondly, he isn’t tall enough to climb into his crib for a nap or cook anything on the stove.

In fact, Lukas has his first graduation in January from the “Infant” to the ”Young Toddler” class at Primrose School in Midtown. He spends his day wrestling with his classmates (Rome) and running around the classroom stealing other kid’s toys. Oh and he dances. Like all the time. Any music, he’s down.(7) At home, when he isn’t running around the house, he is busy pointing at ceiling fans, flipping through books and chasing the dog. Dog! DOG! Dog. (He says that a lot).(8) Don’t worry he dances at home too. He is such a happy little guy.

Oh No. Is that the end of the page? Well, I could shrink the font a bit? No? Ok fine. Here’s wishing you all a Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas.

Love,
The Swans

(1) Or is that a lie too? See what I did there…



(2) There was some other stuff that happened, but it really paled in comparison to Lukas, which is saying something considering he spoke terrible English and could barely hold his liquor. Amateur.


(3) PLUG! www.thenestingswans.blogspot.com


(4) PLUG! www.drzandfriends.com. This is the one she is getting paid for so, you know, look at it and comment.


(5) Based on some field research, Mr. Cob  is writing a pilot for a children’s television show version of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment with the role of Raskolnikov played by a Golden Retriever with an Australian accent. His crime – getting up on the couch. His punishment – hugs and kisses.


(6) A clear violation of company policy.


(7)This is not surprising, Lukas comes from a long line of dancers. His maternal great great grandfather Cesar Ramon Cesar was voted best merengue in Sicily three years in a row. His paternal great grandfather the infamous Magnus von Swan was the first, and only, male pole dancer of the Greater Stockholm area from 1875 until 1935.


(8) DOG! includes cats. And sheep. And horses. Basically, Four Legs + Excessive Hair = DOG! So, Tom Selleck might also qualify.

Future Soccer Stars?

Mr. Cob and my brother have grand plans for Lukas and his cousin Stu to play on the US soccer team in the world cup in 2018.  If you want to be the best, you have to start early....

At Christmas, we'll take a video of Stu and Lukas kicking the soccer ball together!  Love my boys.

Me, Me, Me

Enough about the little dude for a minute.  Let's talk about me.  (Egocentric? Yes.  It happens.)

So what have I been up to?  (I'm assuming you've been wondering this. No?  Ok, well, whatever.  Just go with it.  Or stop reading.  Either way.) 

I'd say that right now I'm still identifying most with the title of "mom".  I feel like I'm finally comfortable in this roll and actually good at it.  I like taking care of Lukas, I like every aspect of being a mom so far.  Even the dirty diapers, laundry and other mundane tasks.  Mothering is definitely one of the things I was meant to do in this life.  I'd be lying if I said I don't get frustrated, mainly when I'm in the middle of trying to soothe a teething boy or cleaning the poop out of the tub, but even those are things that I find joy in.  Because they're all for this little guy.  And he's just so cute and in this great stage of learning and changing so much right now.

But I said we weren't here to talk about him.

I'm still working full time.  I'm now in my 5th year as a lawyer, at the same firm I started with out of law school.  Most days I love my job.  The people are what make it great.  My boss is understanding and respectful of the fact that I have a family, and because of that, I have a more positive outlook towards work and don't mind working in the evenings and weekends, if need be.  I leave work at 5 on the dot most days, which gives me a few hours with Lukas in the evenings.  But it's hard to juggle work and home life, especially when I'm busy.  I've been getting in the office around 8 every day, working until 5 and then about every other day I end up working a few hours at night after Lukas goes to bed.  This leaves little time for housework, leisurely activities, friends and even Mr. Cob.  Time management and trying to do everything I want to do is the hardest part of being a working mom.  I usually feel like I'm neglecting someone or something in my life.  Often, that someone is myself.  I'm having a hard time fitting in exercise time, which is something that I enjoy doing and something that makes me feel good about myself.  And if I do find time to exercise, that's time that I'm not able to spend with Mr. Cob.  And time with him, especially alone, is hard to come by these days.  I still don't know how some women do it all, and make it look easy.  Because it's not.  But I'm trying to figure it out as we go and not beat myself up in the process.

While I can't find too much time to exercise, I have managed to lose ALL of the baby weight.  As in all SIXTY FIVE plus pounds of it.  And then some.  (But let's not mention the fact that I've lost a ton of muscle tone too...).  I was doing Weight Watchers, and am still signed up for it, but have been bad about keeping track of my points the past two weeks.  WW definitely helps you realize what you are eating and change your habits as needed.  But the other reason I swear I've been able to get rid of this weight is because I'm still nursing.  I really believe it's helped me get the weight off.  I'm almost at the 11 month mark of breastfeeding and plan on continuing until Lukas is one and then cutting back or stopping altogether.  I've heard that your body drops another 5ish pounds once you stop nursing, so that'll be a nice plus at the end.  I would like to tone up and get some muscle definition back, as well as work out a few times a week.  Now with the cooler weather coming in, I can take Lukas out in the jogging stroller and hopefully get back in to running.  And it really does feel great to fit back in my clothes again.  It may have taken 9-10 months to drop the weight, but that's how long it took me to gain the baby weight and I'm not a crazy celebrity non-eating woman, so I'll take the 9-10 month time frame.  And the best part, I not only have my old, thinner body back, but I now have boobs to go with it.  Maybe I'll never stop nursing...Just kidding.  Maybe.

Well that's enough about me for now.  I'm sure I'll write about the little guy again soon.  I just can't help myself.  I'm obsessed.

Here I Am...

Life has been happening lately.  So blogging has not.  Not that anyone has probably missed me.  Anyone even out there?  Hello???

So what have we been up to?  In a nutshell:

Lukas started walking.  Like for real walking.  As in, he can walk clear across a room without falling.  Does this mean I have a toddler?  Toddle is a good description of the way in which he walks.  I need to get a good video, but in the mean time, picture a miniature drunk sailor wobbling along half running taking lots of mini shuffle-esque steps with his hands raised in the air.  Usually with a big grin.  Onlookers tend to smile after seeing this silliness.  It's infectious.

Mr. Cob turned 30 and I managed to plan and execute a surprise 30th birthday trip to Chicago for him (and me and Lukas).  His brother from Miami flew in, his sister and her boyfriend spent the weekend with us, his two childhood best friends helped us celebrate (one driving in from Iowa and the other secretly helped me plan the whole thing along with his sis) and his parents babysat - it was amazing! We even fit in a playdate with two of Mr. Cob's college buddies and their kids.  We had a quick trip, but it was so fun.  I love Chicago and feel like I'm supposed to live there one day.  Probably not any day soon because I would want to live in the city, and I think we've missed that window for the time being.  I told Mr. Cob that when our kiddos are grown and we have more money than we do today, maybe we can rent a condo in downtown Chicago and live there for a year.  It just makes me so happy to be outside walking down Michigan Avenue.  I think I'm a city girl at heart.


We have a busy fall ahead of us full of family and friend visits, a wedding, two trips to the beach, Lukas' baptism and then his first birthday.  Life is busy, but good.

Simply Unimaginable

I had prayed I wouldn't have to write this post.  But sometimes the power of prayer just isn't enough.  God has different plans.

My friends Emily and Chris lost their 9 month old son Marco this morning.  Within a little over two weeks he first showed signs of being sick, was diagnosed with cancer and passed away.  It is not fair.  He was such a sweet soul with a beautiful smile.  He was just a little baby.

There are no words to make this "better" or spin this tragedy.  I'm trying to stay positive, but that's very hard to do when you can't make sense of something.  I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, but today I don't know what that reason is.  God works in mysterious ways, but I'd like to ask him "why?" on this one. 

I pray that Marco's momma and daddy have strength to get through unimaginable time.  Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts and send them love.

Please hug and kiss on your family a little tighter and a little longer than usual tonight.  Make that phone call to whoever it is you've been holding off calling for whatever reason.  Say you're sorry to whoever you've wronged.  Reach out to that friend you haven't been in touch with.  Be kind to both neighbor and stranger alike.  Call your momma just to tell her you love her.

Life is truly precious and too often we take it for granted.

Sweet Marco, I know you're an angel in Heaven now, safe in the arms of God.  You will be missed by so many.

Back in Balance

Luckily my woe-is-me moment of last week was fleeting and I snapped back into seeing life with rosy glasses rather quickly.  I'm blaming my slip into the blahs on the hormones.  Yup, I'm still blaming the hormones.  (I'm still breastfeeding, so the hormones that went insane while I was pregnant have yet to restablize.  My new plan is to continue nursing until I get pregnant again so that I can continue blaming the hormones for any of my strange behavior for the next few years.  I'm only half kidding...)

How can I not have a smile on my face with this silly dude in my life????

I was also reminded this weekend how great of friends and family I have.  Friday night after work I spent a few hours with my parents, grandma and Lukas.  I love that they are close and I really love that my grandma is staying in Georgia for the foreseeable future (I haven't told y'all this have I?  Hum, Ok, well tack that on to the blog posts I need to write. Here's the would-be-title: "Grandma J is not going back, back to Cali, Cali!" (which is really a factually wrong title since she never lived in Cali, but you'll overlook that in the interest of a catchy blog title, right? Thanks.)).  I also had a long talk with my brother this weekend and while he did move back, back to Cali, Cali (am I annoying you yet?), I'm glad we've stayed close, though I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish on a daily basis that he and Stuie lived around the corner.  Maybe one day.  Maybe I'll move back, back to Cali, Cali (yup, I've now annoyed myself.  I'll stop now, I promise.  And no, we have no current intention of moving across the country.)  I love my family. 

And my friends rock too.  We caught up with a handful of friends this weekend and it was good for my soul.  Everyone left our house after a cookout yesterday and I turned to Mr. Cob and said "We have some really good people here."  And he agreed.  I love my people.  Thanks to all of you who are my people.  You mean a lot to me!