Uncertain Future

I haven’t written a real post in a while. I’m a hormonal ball of emotions these days so I think I’ve been scared that if I sit down and put it all on paper, the threads will finally come undone. If you ask my husband, they probably already have. I’m blaming my emotional turmoil on pregnancy hormones but the truth is that I’m scared. The future is uncertain and I’m having a hard time riding out that uncertainty.

I know I shouldn’t talk about my career and job, but fuck it.

So next month is the start of my 9^th year as a lawyer. This time 8 years ago I’d just taken the bar exam and was drinking my way through Belgium, Paris and London with my then-boyfriend, now-husband. I was so relieved to be done with that test and feeling excitement for the career I was about to embark on. I was finally a lawyer. At 26 my career was beginning and I was making big money and it was great.

But it never really was great. For years I’ve told friends and family how much I dislike the confrontation that comes along with being a lawyer. I don’t like dealing with other lawyers. I don’t like the stress. I don’t like sitting in an office all day long staring at a computer and reading 200 page documents. I’ve never loved my job. But I stayed for many reasons. My firm was one of the good ones. My coworkers had become close friends over the years. My student loans didn’t magically go away. My diplomas needed to mean something; law school couldn’t have been for naught. The money.  So I stayed and lived for the evenings and weekends when I didn’t have to be a lawyer.

Then I became a mom and really struggled with continuing in a job I didn’t love while leaving my baby boy in daycare for 9 hours a day. But I continued knowing my boy was safe and happy and that my working was best for my family in the long run. And then second baby came along and I really struggled as a working mom. I cried many days in my office and had many conversations about it being too much. My boss knew I was not juggling things well and I think he expected me to leave. My husband, ever supportive, had the hard talks with me. We made the decision to put his career first, which allowed him to apply for a job that would possibly relocate us, which it did.

I asked my firm if I could continue working remotely, for some reason not ready to give it all up yet. But my boss wasn’t keen on the idea. After some difficult discussions we ended up with an arrangement that left me as a contract employee with no guarantee of work, no benefits and no future with my firm. But it was better than nothing, and possibly my ticket to reducing my work stress and getting more time as a mom. Fast forward a few months and through a strange turn of events I ended up being loaned out by my firm to a client in my new town and have been an acting-in-house counsel for them since October of last year. I’m working full time again, though I am not an employee of my firm or the client. I only get paid when I work. I still have no vacation time or benefits, which includes a lack of maternity leave.

And here I sit over 4 months pregnant with a huge question mark in front of me. This secondment (as my loaner job is called) could be over any day and my firm doesn’t even know I’m pregnant. So it would seem that come January (if not sooner), I’ll finally get what I’ve been wanting since Lukas was born almost 5 years ago. To be a stay at home mom. So why am I not ecstatic?

The reality of the financial shift came crashing down around me last week when we plugged the numbers. In a nutshell, they don’t work. We have too many bills and our $1000 a month law school loans are a huge problem if I am not working. If I bring no money we can barely make ends meet every month (and that doesn’t even include the boy’s school which we’ve set aside savings for this year alone). So we set about finding a way to make it work. Reducing or cutting cable. Cutting our cell phone plans. No travel. $100 a month to eat out. $500 a month on groceries (including diapers, cleaning supplies, pet food, etc.). Reducing our energy and water bills by 10%. We can make it work, it is just going to take some big changes.

So rather than wait for the shoe to drop, we’ve instituted our new budget as of August 1. I planned all our meals for the week and then went grocery shopping on Saturday with $125 to spend. We spent $137, but bought a few items that will last a few months. Yet we forgot to buy bread, laundry detergent and soap. I refuse to sacrifice the quality and health of our food for the budget, so one way or another, we will make this work. It just might take some time.  I’m eating lunch with a girlfriend tomorrow and have already looked at the menu. I’d normally get the fajitas which cost $11.99 but have decided I’ll get 2 tacos with rice and beans for only $6.99 as that will preserve more money for the monthly eating-out budget.  I realize many people live on a budget and that I’ve been fortunate not to have to worry about these things, but it is a difficult shift for us nonetheless.

But the budget and reduction in money isn’t the only problem. I’m realizing that I’m scared of no longer being a lawyer. If I stop (which I may not even have a choice in the matter at least while the baby is young – no one would hire me right now anyway) does that mean my career is over? What will my lawyer friends think? What will my family think?  What will my kids think?  What will my old coworkers think? I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to be another statistic and another woman who couldn’t hack it in the legal world once she had children, but the reality is that the law is not a family friendly place. It’s just not. At least not the legal worlds I’ve lived in.

I’m also worried about the shift in my marriage that my occur if I no longer work. We’ve always been equals, but what will happen if I’m home all day while he’s working making money for our family? I trust my husband and I can work it out and will ride out any bumps that my happen, but I fear we won’t even realize there’s been a shift until it’s a crater.

The other reason I'm so confused about my mixed emotions is that I will still be working. I have my Beautycounter business which I truly love and feel so passionate about. But in all honesty it feels like a hobby more than a job right now, so I fear others won't view it as a real job. But perhaps that means it's the perfect job since it doesn't actually feel like one. It is fun and the women I work with are uplifting and supportive. I love educating others and helping people making healthier choices in their lives. I know if I put the time in to it, it can grow and be a successful venture for me - it already is and brings in the extra money we could use each month to travel or put away towards savings. I'm committed to making my business thrive, but it requires me to get out of my comfort zone and widen my network and grow. So there is some fear there, I just need to not let it hold me back.

I just wish I knew why I couldn’t grasp this opportunity to be free of a job I loathe and jump into this new, uncertain future with both feet.  I know I need to let go of the fear. I know I need to let go of caring about what anyone else thinks about my decisions and I know I need to embrace a simpler lifestyle for my family. But I’m just not sure how to let these fears go. Hopefully step number one was admitting so publicly to having them.