Head Above Water

Do you ever feel like you're doing it all wrong? I know it's a common feeling for moms. We question everything. Every decision. Every word that comes out of our mouth. Every disciplinary word. Every interaction with our children. It's like a bad movie reel rolling in my head each night. Did I give enough grace? Or was I too harsh? Did I rush them through bedtime even though I know it's their favorite time of day with me? Are my priorities seriously off? Am I messing them up? Am I missing it?

I really struggle with parenting. It doesn't come easy to me. I didn't grow up dreaming about becoming pregnant. I hated babysitting. I feel like I'm walking blindly with each stage of parenting. It is not innate to me. You'd think that almost 8 years and three kids later that I'd have a grasp. I don't. I am winging it every. single. day. And some days I just know I'm doing it wrong.

I know they say that if you're worried about being a bad parent then you aren't one. I know I'm not a "bad" parent, but I don't know if that equates to doing a good job at parenting. Is the opposite of a bad parent a good one? I don't necessarily think so.

Regardless of the label, I worry that I'll wake up in ten years and wish I had done it different. Ten years from now I'll have a senior in high school. If I wait until then it'll be too late. It already feels too late in many ways. My oldest is full on boy. He's not little anymore and I miss that baby boy who I used to hunt dinosaurs with on our morning commute. I know, babies don't keep.

In today's world we are pulled in so many different directions. Work. Social. Marriage. House. Friendship. Working out. Eating healthy. Date nights. School functions. Sports. Extended family. Laundry. Social media. It is exhausting just writing it all. I try to balance it all but I do a horrible job. Actually, I don't try to balance it all, I simply try to do it all. Often to the detriment of my kids. I check Facebook during homework time. I get annoyed if I have to miss a MNO because of soccer practice. I'm a little bitter if I miss a long run because we have to be at the field early.

And even when I'm present, I'm not present. I've always prided myself on being a great multi-tasker, but I'm starting to think multi-tasking is just one way we cause ourselves more stress. I'm not sure how to change, but I know I want to. I'm sitting at my kitchen counter listening to Avril Lavigne on repeat crying as I type this. I know life is busy, but I don't want to be so busy. I want to fully sink in to this beautiful life. I want to a great mom, not merely a good one by default of not being "bad" and I know it's possible. I simply need to put as much energy into committing to change as I do to say training for a half marathon or buying sushi when the urge strikes.

I don't know if the answer is a social media detox, or perhaps deleting apps from my phone. I actually think turning my phone OFF for certain periods of each day might do me wonders. I'm not sure how I'm going to become this version of myself I want to be, but acknowledging that I'm not her right now is a good start, right?

And so it begins...again

I haven't kept up this blog, obviously. But I miss writing. Every time I feel the urge to write again I go through this process of feeling the need to start over. Begin a new blog. Start fresh. So I go looking for a new name and platform. I think of a new angle. I want the perfect start. And then I end up doing nothing. But not this time. I've realized that the package doesn't really matter, does it? The point is to get the words on the page. So, here I am. I did change the blog name though, so there's that.

My goal: to write. Same as always. I never sit down with an agenda. I simply let the words flow. Sometimes that is disastrous and the end product is pure crap worthy of the delete button and nothing more. But other times the words that emerge surprise even me.

Writing is cathartic. It helps me work through all the thoughts jumbled in my head. It sometimes provides clarity. So that's my one hope.

Another hope is to connect with other people. I think that's my gift in this world - to connect others together. Women crave connection but so often we feel alone. At least I know I have at various times throughout my life. Some of those times were when I had a lot of people around me and others occurred when I was the new girl in town without a friendly face in sight.

Encouraging others to live their best life is my passion. It's taken some time to figure that out, but it's clear. I am at my best when I am helping someone else realize their true potential. To see the spark ignite in someone, to help them fan the flame and then to see them step into their light is truly a beautiful space to hold. I want to help more women find this light within themselves.

And I feel that the two, connection and encouragement, go hand in hand. Going alone towards any target is scary. But when you have a hand to hold, the journey is sweeter. The fear is lessened. The victories are grander, as they are shared. So apparently this is my end game goal with this writing. To write until the path is opened upon which I can connect and encourage others. I don't know what that is going to look like. I don't know how long it will take to uncover this road. But I'm beyond excited to get going.

And so tonight I start day 1 in this discovery. The intention has been set. The keys are ready for my fingers to fly. The words will uncover the way. I'm excited to see where we go.

And this is the beauty of writing - I had no idea this was all in my head until I sat down tonight and begin typing. "Those who don't jump will never fly."  XO

Suck it Should

I'm coming up on the anniversary of the day I quit practicing law. December 18th. I had so many hopes and feelings wrapped up in that decision and it has been life changing. But sometimes I forget that life is still messy and hard and it's OK to feel overwhelmed. I've struggled with thinking that I don't have a right to feel completely and totally overwhelmed because, well, I'm not a lawyer anymore. I don't have a high pressure, stressful job. So I should be fine.

But then I remember: I have three children, two of which are still extremely needy and little and who still wake up more nights than not. One who is in a naked phase right now (including undressed during naptime...including her diaper.) All 3 kids need their mama in different ways (although usually all at bedtime when I am so depleted and have to remind myself that those back scratches and books are the things they'll remember. Those are the important things.) Also, I work from home in between nap times, before anyone else is awake in the mornings and everywhere in between. (Mind you, instead of loathing my job I actually love what I do now, but it's still work that takes time, effort and attention.) I am a wife, a housekeeper, a chauffeur and a mom (oh wait, I already said that. But I think it bears repeating. I'm a mom of 3 littles). Occasionally I like to be a friend too. And next week I'll take Bridget back to her urologist for a scan that will determine if the post-op swelling has dissipated or if more tests are necessary. Plus, my kitchen has two huge holes in the wall and floor from a water leak that is costing us our $2000 deductible to repair. And the laundry. Oh the laundry.

I don't say any of that to complain or for anyone to feel sorry for me. These are all very first world problems, if you can even call them problems. But they are my life right now and they pile up causing huge feelings of "too much". Which is only fueled by the nagging voice in my head telling me I should be able to manage it all. I should be doing a better job. I should should should.

Well. I think that voice needs to be silenced. So I sat at the kitchen counter and cried all the tears today. And I actually feel better. Because I do know that I'll get it all done. And I know that life will never run perfectly or smoothly and that if I wait for it to then I'll miss all the beauty along the way.

But this time of year, when the holidays are upon us, we all need to give ourselves grace. 

Do the best you can. Say no if that's what is in your heart. Put all the "shoulds" aside and cry when you need to. Love on your babies and your significant other. Laugh when you hang four different shades of white icicle lights on your house and post the video on social media. Invite friends over for dinner even if your house is a disaster. Cut the feet off a pair of footie pajamas and put them on your nudist toddler backwards so she can't escape.  And for the love of God, set an alarm on your phone to move the damn elf.

I've Missed This. So Here We Go...

I haven’t written in a while. I used to blog often. About everything. And then one day I stopped. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious decision, it simply happened. Sometime after my third child was born. You could say that having three kids doesn’t give you much time for hobbies.

The thing is, I miss it. I miss having thoughts that turn into words that form sentences and paragraphs and a piece of writing. Most things I wrote were nothing special. Basic mommy-blogger stuff. But it felt cathartic to share my experience with others. And I like to think I was a real voice in a world full of filters and perfectly curated, matchy-match family photos. So I’m going to start writing again. Starting, well, now.

Here’s the thing, I’m trying to disconnect from the technology. Ironic that in my quest to do so I’ve decided to start writing again. It’s not the technology that I loathe. It’s the lack of relationships it causes and the ability to simply fold within. I find myself scrolling away on facebook for what adds up to hours a day. Yes, hours. I tell myself it’s for my “business”, but it’s not. Very few of these instances do anything to further my mission and business. If I’m being honest I’m escaping. The internet is the perfect place to hide.

But in doing so I am missing all the goings on around me. I am missing my children needing me. I am missing connection with my husband. I am missing out on forming actual, real relationships with people IN REAL LIFE.

I read an article yesterday explaining the rise in depression and anxiety among teens as correlated to the rise in iphones. Not surprising news, but jarring to read nonetheless. With a click of the button you can instantly see events you weren’t invited to, playdates that didn’t include your kids, the perfect date another couple is on or that dream vacation you don’t have the money to take. So I am vowing to say enough is enough. I need to change. I am going to change.

One of my girlfriends recently deactivated her Facebook account. She said it was freeing. She doesn’t miss it in the least. I’m not ready for that step as I do enjoy social media (I mean, please, have you seen the ridiculous amount of selfies and kid pictures I post?). But I am going to find a happy balance. I must.

A few nights ago I was rocking Bridget before bed. She is 21 months old and fits perfectly in my lap. Her chubby little legs wrap around my body, her head full of soft blond curls rests in the crook of my neck and her arms hold me tight. I am her world. And it is fleeting.

I walked out of her room and sobbed. Not because I will miss this. Because I will. But because I can’t remember how it felt to hold either of my boys (now 4.5 and almost 7) like that. I don’t know the last time I rocked either of them. I don’t know when it was that they were too big for me to hold like that. And I know that in the blink of an eye Bridget will be too big too.

I left my job as a lawyer to spend more time with my kids. I wanted to be the stay at home mom that I wasn’t when the boys were babies. I wanted to BE there for them. But I’m not there. I’m 1,000 miles away in some bullshit Instagram photo or FB article. I am distracted to say the least. And they deserve more. I’m not saying they need to be the center of my universe, but they need a present mother. And since I can’t uninvent the smart phone, I will start where I can. I will make a conscious decision to put my phone in the closet. I will get on the floor and draw with them. I will even get out the paint and the playdough and we will make a damn mess.

And I will foster relationships in person. I want more coffee dates with moms I don’t know well. I want to visit with my best friend and her family and make memories together. I want to talk on the phone and hear your voice rather than hide behind a text message. (Related, a friend texted me this week asking me to call her about some beauty products and my heart skipped a beat. We had never actually talked on the phone. How awkward would that be? Spoiler alert: we gabbed on and on as if we were teenage girls and it was oh so refreshing.)

I want more real, messy life. And as fucked up as it might seem given all this, I plan on documenting it as it unfolds on this blog. So let’s get wine. Let’s have coffee. Let’s have a video call at 10am to chat about life. Let’s get our kids together after school and sit outside watching them play. It’d be so much more soul-filling than simply liking each other’s posts from afar, don’t you think?

B's Kidney Update (@ 1 month old)

Last Friday we went to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta for Bridget to have a renal ultrasound and a VCUG. Last night her pediatric urologist gave us the run down of what these tests revealed. So here's the skinny:

Good news first. Her ultrasound showed a healthy appearing RIGHT kidney. (Yay! Yay! Yay!)  Her doctor does suspect that the right kidney has a ureteral duplication (but uncomplicated), which means two ureters are draining from the RIGHT kidney to the bladder.  “Uncomplicated” means no reflux (no urine washing backwards up to the kidney as sometimes occurs) and no obstruction (blockage).  Uncomplicated also means there is no adverse consequence of having this anatomy. (Woohoo! At least one good kidney is what we've been praying for!)

The less than good news, but better than we were expecting news: As suspected from my prenatal ultrasounds, the LEFT kidney also has a ureteral duplication, but it's complicated. The ureter from the upper portion of the kidney (i.e. the “upper pole ureter”) ends in a ureterocele. Ureterocele means that the last part of the ureter as it enters the bladder is dilated, expanded, ballooned.  This is associated with obstruction of the upper pole portion of the kidney. (This was all what we expected from my prenatal ultrasounds.)

B's Left Kidney - all those dark spots are not present in a normal kidney

Because the upper pole ureter pushes on the lower pole ureter the lower pole ureter which does not end in a ureterocele and does not reflux is also partially, but only partially obstructed. While that sounds scary, it is not an emergency because apparently the lower pole of the left kidney can tolerate this situation for some time.  And, here's more good news, the upper pole is a small segment in its overall contribution to renal function- given its ultrasound features it may not offer any real significant kidney function. Bridget's urologist expects her overall kidney function now and in the future to be normal. (Great!!!)

So what is next? Apparently, the management of ureteroceles is very individualized and a key detail in decision making is the level of function in the upper pole and the impact of the left upper pole on the left lower pole function and drainage.  So B needs another test called a MAG3 renal scan. So looks like we're going nuclear.  Kind of scary, but some fellow kidney-moms I've met thanks to the magic of Facebook, have assured me it is tolerable.  The doctors prefer to obtain this study at 6 weeks of age due to the way that neonatal kidney handles the contrast.  B will be six weeks old next Thursday, so the test should be scheduled in the coming weeks. Once the doctor has the results from this scan he'll be able to decide what procedure she needs and when she'll need it. So while we don't have the game plan in place yet, we feel very optimistic and have been able to breathe a little easier today.  Of course I don't love that B will need surgery, but I'm thankful that her long term prognosis is looking good for now!

Thanks for the continued prayers and thoughts! We are loving our little lady and feel so lucky to have her in our family!

3rd Times a Charm

It's true, the more kids you have the easier it becomes. Or I have a really chill baby - jury's still out on why this newborn phase with Bridget has been rather blissful. Perhaps the large looming questions about her kidneys are causing me to truly embrace this time with her. Or it is the fact that I'm not nearly as crazy as I was with the boys.

For instance:
Feeding: 
Lukas and Julian: I had an app on my phone that tracked which boob I fed them from, for how long and the time in between each feeding. I used this app obsessively.
Bridget: Girlfriend gets nursed any time she seems hungry/bored/fussy. I have no clue which side she has eaten off of last and am relying on the trusty "which boob feels heavier" method to pick a side. I don't care if I fed her 10 minutes ago, if she seems hungry, to the boob she goes.  If 3 hours have passed, I DO NOT wake the baby. Never wake the baby. I mean, come on.

Sleeping:
L&J: Swaddled every single time for a nap or nightime and asleep on their back in the pack n play. This resulted in an exhausted momma as I was up with them seemingly all night for months.
B: We stared bedsharing at 4am her first night at home after she was up every hour in her crib. I haven't even attempted putting her back in her crib for nighttime and don't plan to. She takes naps in the Moses basket, in her vibrating chair, on my chest or wherever she will continue sleeping.  I've swaddled her about 5 times and apparently suck at it now as she Houdini's herself out each time.

Getting out of the house:
L: I specifically remember calling my mom when Lukas was about 4 weeks old in tears because I was going stir crazy. I had this tiny baby, in winter, and I was too scared to take him anywhere or do anything, but I was so alone and bored and a little loony.  She told me to put him in the car and drive the 35 minutes to her house. This "outing" saved my sanity!
B: We have had a few weeks staying inside the house but we get out much more than I did with the boys. Yesterday we drove the boys to school, went to the post office, grocery shopped and picked the boys up from school. Admittedly, it was a bit too much in one day with a 3.5 week old.

Noise level:
L&J: I never tried to keep a quiet house with the boys, but I didn't love the dog barking or loud noises that might wake the baby.
B: With two rowdy boys, a dog, cat and two adults, there is no silencing the noise. But this time around, I encourage it and purposely have vacuumed around Bridget while she sleeps in her lamb chair on the floor. If the baby can sleep through the loudness of our house, she can sleep anywhere!

Although, there are a few things that I'm arguably more crazy about:
Head position:
L&J: I didn't worry at all about how much time they spent on their backs or in the car seat. L turned out fine, but if you'll recall, J had that lovely 4 month period in a helmet to correct his flat head.
B: Todd and I are both hyperaware of which side Bridget favors.  She likes looking to her right, so we are making sure she doesn't spend too much time on her back looking right. I've done a few of the physical therapy exercises we did for Julian's torticolis and she sleeps on her side often so hopefully we'll avoid the flat head syndrome this time around.

Wet diaper count:
L&J: My biggest concern with their peeing was try to prevent getting peed on!
B: I get more excited over wet diapers than one would think possible. Better yet, I'm like a cheerleader on crack when she pees while I'm changing her.  Pee means at least one of her kidneys is working, so we are cheering on the peeing.

Germs:
L&J: With L I wasn't concerned with germs at all. I'm not a germaphobe and it didn't really occur to me to do be concerned even though he was born in winter. I mean, we washed our hands and had visitors use hand sanitizer but it wasn't on my radar.  Julian was born in summer so germs, the flu and RSV weren't a huge threat.
B: I think I've lost my mind. The boys come home from school and immediately strip off their school clothes, go straight to wash their hands and then put on clean clothes.  No one is allowed to touch Bridget's hands (because a baby's hands go directly IN their mouth) and I'm not a big fan of others holding her. The only positive side of her on the prophylactic antibiotic is that hopefully it will prevent her from getting any nasty winter germs!  Oh and it's making sure she doesn't get a kidney, bladder or urinary tract infection, so I suppose there are multiple positives.

I love being a mom of 3. I have had crazy thoughts of having a fourth but my sweet husband has assured me that I'll need to find a new husband to make that happen. And well, I like my hubby, so I guess we're done.  Unless we're not. I mean, we are. But one more would be so sweet. But insane. Definitely done. I think.

Kidney Tests

Sweet Bridget will be two weeks old tomorrow (in case you missed it and are curious, you can read her birth story here). We are all loving having her here and she is getting spoiled daily. The combination of our first girl, our last child (I think...) and her precarious health condition have lead me to truly enjoy the newborn phase with her. I'm not normally a fan of this stage, but I am relishing our days laying on the couch, co-sleeping at night and bonding while nursing. My recovery this time around has been my easiest of all three kids so that is probably contributing to my postpartum bliss.  Although the baby blues definitely come and go and I've had a few random bouts of tears which are making my husband think I'm going a little crazy.  I remind him that it's my hormones. Always blame the hormones!

So I haven't given an update on Bridget's kidneys because we unfortunately don't know anything more yet. She had an ultrasound the day she was born and our pediatrician said that it confirmed what we already knew. I didn't press him on this because he's not the specialist and I had given birth a mere 5 hours earlier and wasn't thinking too clearly.  Bridget's abdomen has looked distended to me since birth and one of the nurses even commented on this, but when I asked our pediatrician he didn't express concern. Bridget started taking a prophylactic antibiotic the day she was born because there is a risk of infection due to the urine that is backing up in her ureter(s) and left kidney. She will continue taking this until the urologist can determine it is not needed.

As for the next steps, we are scheduled to go up to Atlanta next Thursday for her first round of tests. I believe she will be having three tests, but I only know two of them. She'll have another ultrasound which should be able to more clearly show what is going on compared to the ultrasounds that were done on me while I was pregnant.  She will also have a VCUG which will show us how well her kidneys, ureter and bladder are working. All I know is that it will involve Bridget getting a catheter and getting x-rays. The whole thing makes me nervous so I haven't spent much time researching the procedure other than finding the link for this post.  And to be honest, I haven't read through the link. At this point, ignorance is bliss. I'm already nervous for Thursday and figure I don't need the extra anxiety of knowing exactly what will happen to B.  I also don't know if we'll meet with the urologist to go over the results that day or if we'll have to come back up for a follow-up appointment. But hopefully within a week or so we'll have an actual diagnosis and treatment plan. We know it is almost certain she needs surgery, we're just hopeful it is minimally invasive and can wait until she's at least six months old.

Aside from her round belly, Bridget looks completely normal and perfect. Our pediatrician referred to her as perfect at her first checkup. She is peeing regularly so we know at least one of her kidneys is working properly. But the fact remains that she has a birth defect. And until we know the extent of the issue, my mind can't help but worry every day. When she cries uncontrollably I worry she's in pain. When I look at her belly I am reminded that while she looks perfect, her insides tell a different story.

I am praying for the best possible outcome next week. I don't even know what that means, other than Bridget getting to live a full, long life.  She is such a sweet baby and I am so blessed to be her mom.  Thank you all for the continued prayers and inquires about how she's doing.  As soon as we know more, I'll update everyone. Until then, please continue praying for her health and our strength as we navigate this next phase.

Ok, time to snuggle with my sweet girl.