For this week's edition of "Toddler Tips Tuesday" we have a guest writer - my man, Mr. Cob. I hope you enjoy his tip(s)!
Cob here. So Ms. Swan said to me the other day “wow you are a great Dad. How do you do it? Though you are truly the most handsome,funny, brawny, gorgeous, hilarious, and strong man this side of the Mason-Dixon,and surely most of that is from your fine gene pool, you must have some tips you can offer the rest of the common men out there to help them become such great dads. Can you please share them next Tuesday.”
“998, 999, 1000… Sure,” I said putting down the fifty pound dumbbells, “I think there are a couple things that I do that other people might find helpful.”
So here we are. Let me first say that in our parenting of Lukas, Ms. Swan is certainly the person doing the heavy lifting right now. Most notably, up until the last week or so she almost exclusively handled the bedtime duties – as we are starting to wean Luke, I have now taken over the night time duties. And to be perfectly honest, the only real thing that I think I do well as a father is act as Ms. Swan’s foil.
I understand that children, especially toddlers, need consistency and certainly mom and dad need to be united in the way they handle certain issues (tantrums) that arise. But I think the most valuable thing I offer, and that any dad or partner can offer their mate is, where appropriate, being the antithesis of your partner.
Ms. Swan has been nurturing and been a lot closer to Lukas than I have. This is true both physically and to a certain degree emotionally. Though he sometimes calls out for Da-Da, make no mistake, he wants his Ma-Ma more. And that is ok. As a result, Ms. Swan is sometimes reluctant to let Lukas try new things and to trust him to not hurt himself. I am not. It is not because I am lazy or inattentive – it is because I feel that in order for him to truly learn something, he needs the opportunity to try and fail without the aid of a safety net. For example, I have always let Lukas walk around outside and explore things on his own more regularly than Ms. Swan. No, I don’t let him just walk in the street, but if we are going to a store or walking a few blocks some place, I let him try to walk it himself, rather than carrying him. As a result, he not only has good motor skills, but when we put him down to walk around he doesn’tjust run off as fast as he can – as if he is worried he may not get a chance to walk around outside again – he is more controlled and tends to simply walk along with us.
Another example is plates and silverware. Several months ago I notice Lukas was being particularly picky with his meals. Ms.Swan and I both thought he was being a picky eater, but I decided, without talking to Ms. Swan about it, to give him his food on an adult plate with a small, but metal, fork. Clearly upped the danger a bit but I kept an eye on him. And he actually ate a bit more. I trusted him and we learned that the problem was not entirely the types of food that was offered to him, but that he wanted to eat more like his mom and dad.
Finally, sometimes I am the bad cop. As a father, but really as a spouse, you need to be ready willing and able to say no to your child in situations where your spouse has difficulty saying no. Every parent has certain things that we struggle with and it is the responsibility of your partner to help you with those moments. One example is bath time. I have a hard time with bath time. I don’t like fighting with him to take a bath and if it wasn’t for Ms. Swan putting up with his flailing and yelling, I think he would be one filthy kid. Conversely, I am there for Ms. Cobb at the two moments when she feels the most guilty about making tough decisions for Lukas, in the morning and at bedtime. Though we have not had many tantrums in recent months at school, there was a time when Ms. Swan hated dropping him off because of how badly he cried. And I hated it too. But I knew that it was my job to bear the brunt of that horrible experience because every time Ms. Swan dropped him off and he cried, she cried and had serious doubts about her decision to keep working. To force her to encounter this reminder of her tough decision every morning, before going to work, wasn’t fair to her.
Similarly, we have started weaning Lukas and while Ms. Swan could continue the night time routine and just say no to Lukas’ request for milk, the resulting tantrums were taking a rather large emotional toll on the Swan's nest. So in steps me, the bad cop,refusing milk and enduring the screams. I don’t like it and I wish I could just let him stay up or let him nurse, but it is my job to help Ms. Swan with this one. So we rock, he cries, we read, he screams, he goes in the crib and I pretend to sleep on the floor. It is a long, tough game, but it is getting better. I know nursing has been, and will always be, a very special thing to Ms. Swan and that she misses it everyday. This is the least I can do to help, since I don’t have boobs.
So was this a tip? Idon’t know. It might be common sense to most of you, but the thing I try to be most conscious of is looking at those things that my spouse struggles with the most, that cause her the most pain,the most mommy guilt, and I try to do that for her. And so, for this Tuesday that is my advice to you, whether you are a dad or a mom.
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