Finding Your Path

I've written at least 5 iterations of the below blog post over the past 7.5 years that I've been an attorney (I know this because they're all saved on my computer.). I write them and then never publish them. Never wanting to say it aloud for some reason. Usually getting the words out on paper is enough for me to get over my temporary law slump.  But today I'm putting it out there because today I'm finally feeling OK about being a lawyer. I'll explain in a bit...

I think I picked the wrong profession.  There. I said it.

I've never once met someone who asked me what I did and replied with conviction, "I'm a lawyer!". My response is more muted. Almost an apology. Always with a hint of regret and resignation to this career.

The follow up question usually requires me to explain how this happened. My response, loaded with more regret, is simple and full of active choices on my part.  This didn't just happen to me. I picked this.

I didn't want to go to college right after high school since I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, being that I was barely 18 at graduation. My parents didn't see eye to eye with me on this, especially since I qualified for free college tuition at any state school so long as I maintained a B average once there.

So I enrolled and joined the business school at the suggestion of my father who had an MBA. I had little direction of my own, so I agreed. Once it was time to declare a major, I selected finance since I'd always been good at math. Four years later I graduated magna cum laude. Turns out I was a decent finance major.

I still lacked direction. I moved to the beach and drank a lot of wine for four months. At some point my parents urged me to find something to do and a GMAT book and an LSAT book landed in my lap. I hated the GMAT studies but for some reason enjoyed the LSAT problems. So I signed up for the October LSAT and bought myself more time in further keeping the real world at bay. It was decided, I would go to law school the following Fall.

And so my profession was picked.

A year internship at a law firm before starting school; 1L year filled with anxiety and depression; a summer spent at legal aid; 2L year filled with less Socratic method and meeting my future husband; a summer spent at the law firm I'd interned with and a job offer to return after graduation; 3L year filled with fun and the knowledge that I had secured a job; an awful summer studying for the bar exam; the Bar; a fabulous 3 week trip to Europe; and 7.5 years of practice as a banking and finance transactional lawyer.

I don't love it. I'm not sure I even like it. In fact, there are things about this profession that I down right loathe. Other attorneys is the main one. Specifically, having to negotiate with other attorneys. I've had too many bad interactions to call those a fluke. A lot of attorneys get into the profession because they enjoy debating and arguing. I do not. I try to avoid confrontation. In this profession, it is unavoidable, even as a transactional lawyer. Turns out I was wrong in thinking that only litigators get into heated arguments.

I've had attorneys question my ethics. I've had attorneys ask to speak to a male instead of me. I've had one attorney ask "Where did you even go to law school?" after being so exacerbated from dealing with me. (He wasn't getting his way). I've had attorneys literally scream at me through the phone. I've had men tell me how many years they've been practicing (as intimidation and in argument that I couldn't possibly be right given my short tenure). I've had someone say to me "I went to Harvard law school!" (again as an argument/intimidation). I've been made to cry on more than one occasion because I've felt so beaten down by these lawyers.  The code of civility must go out the window for many the day Esquire is attached to their name. Or perhaps they never knew such code existed. Or simply don't care.

Don't get me wrong, there are some great, kind lawyers. I'm married to one. Most of my friends are lawyers.  But it is the fear of dealing with these less than kind ones that give me much anxiety in this job. And they can't be avoided.

But more than that, I am not passionate about it. I don't get all excited about reading a 200 page document and drafting an agreement. It is rarely fulfilling.

So why do I stay? Between the two of us, my husband and I left law school with over $100,000 in loans to pay back.  And we didn't go to big fancy firms after school that would pay us enough to pay those loans back any time soon.  Each month, we pay over $1000 in student loans. This is a lot of money, especially now that my husband has taken a pay cut to go work for the government. (Which I don't begrudge in the least.  He, unlike me, was meant to be a lawyer. He loves his job and I'm so happy he does.) So to say money would be tight if I were to stop working (or move to a nonprofit or legal aid type job) would be a huge understatement.  Those loans don't just go away if I decide to hang up my law hat.

So why not find a new career?  Everyone tells you that a law degree is always helpful.  No, no it's not. I've had a few friends try to find non-legal jobs and they haven't found that a JD is helpful in the least. It certainly doesn't give you an edge when you're trying to break into a new profession in which you have no experience.  Nor can you easily change the type of lawyer you are unless you want to hang out your own shingle. I doubt I could find a family law practice or say environmental law group who wants to take an 8th year banking associate with zero experience in those practice areas. So in many ways, I feel stuck.

But aren't those excuses for staying put?  Fear of trying something new?  Yes, they are. I admit it.

So the million dollar question I keep asking myself, What would I do if I could do anything?  What am I passionate about?  What do I want to be now that I'm grown up?

And I don't have an answer.  Which is perhaps the biggest reason I stay.   What would I do?  

I don't feel this weight anymore because I've found the answer to what I'll do. (No, I didn't quit my job.) I'm keeping my day job as a lawyer, but this past month, as I've already mentioned, I joined on as a Consultant with Beautycounter and I love it! I'm also surprised by what I've discovered.  I love the camaraderie of women that I've met virtually in the other Consultants around the country. They are always quick to offer support or advice whenever you ask. (Something other lawyers don't readily do.)  I look forward to speaking with my mentor weekly as her infectious enthusiasm and confidence can't help but flow from her to me. (Another thing lawyers aren't keen on - enthusiasm or confidence building.) I love the products and getting to re-connect with old friends by telling them that there are safe, nontoxic products out there that work. I love the springboard I now have in my quest to make new friends in Macon by being able to simply ask if they've heard of Beautycounter and getting to talk to them about something I'm passionate about. I love the company's mission and am more aware myself of the health consequences of my actions and all the various products I'm using on a daily basis.

I never thought I'd sell beauty products (except for that one time when I was a first year associate and went to a Mary Kay meeting...). I never thought I would enjoy this sort of job as much as I do. But the truth is, Beautycounter is filling in a lot of the emptiness that I felt as a lawyer.  I am connecting with other people face to face.  I also feel like I'm making a difference by spreading the word to people about the lack of regulation in the beauty industry in the United States. (I mean how has the US only banned the use of 11 ingredients but the EU has banned over 1300????)  I'm staying up until midnight every night learning as much as I can about the company and the products and the mission.  And I am loving it.

So while I'm perhaps not "meant" to be a lawyer, it appears I can continue with my day job while also having a job that suits my personality and gets me out of my comfort zone (because selling products is definitely outside my comfort zone, or at least it was!).  Life and the turns it takes continues to surprise me every day. But for now, I'm happy with the path I somehow landed on.