It's happening again. I'm feeling a strong pull to turn in my briefcase and this 9-5 gig. Last Monday I emailed my BFF and told her we needed to talk because I'd made a very important decision that morning and I wanted her to non-judgementally tell me if I was crazy. Our schedules made it so we didn't have that talk until Thursday over a glass of wine (her) and orange juice with a side of pear-gorgonzola flat bread (pregnant me). She patiently waited for me to dive in to my newest self-centered world problem, as good friends do. But when it was time to tell her what my big "decision" was, I started it out with, well I think I've changed my mind already. She laughed and knew what my big decision (or lack thereof) was without me even having to tell her. (If you haven't figured it out yet: I had decided that I was going to quit my six-figure lawyer job for the SAHM gig, without actually running the idea by my husband. But by the very next day there was no way I was going to do that.)
I just keep changing my mind. Daily. Sometimes hourly.
This constant juggling act is hard. I know parenting is hard and I don't think everything magically turns to gold the minute you trade in your career for full time domestic goddess-ness. But I can't help but wonder if we would all be happier if that were the decision I made.
I don't know if Lukas' recent reluctance to get out of bed in the morning and say goodbye to us at school is because he is two, or because he really would rather be at home with mommy. I don't know if his fear of my leaving his room before he falls asleep at night is because he is two, or because he truly needs to spend more time with his mommy. I do know that prying him off my leg and handing him over to his teacher when he cries and begs me not to go is torture for me. I know that listening to him plead with me not to leave his room at night is heart wrenching and most nights I don't leave until he is sound asleep. I know I am the parent and I should not be letting a two year old dictate his bedtime routine, but the guilt of the matter is eating me up. I can't help but feel like he wants to read one more book and rock for one more minute and then sit in my lap and cuddle before bed because he feels like he doesn't see me enough during the day.
On a good day I'm with him 15-20 minutes in the morning and then 2.5 hours at night (30 minutes of which are spent in the car and another 30 I'm preparing dinner and an hour of which is spent doing the bedtime thing). I want more time. I need more time with him.
So emotionally the decision is easy.
Financially and logistically and realistically there is a lot more to it. There are the thousands of dollars of debt that I still have to pay back from law school loans. There is the financial hit that our family would take. There would be the change in lifestyle. There would be a reduction in money to travel and visit family. There is the juris doctor diploma hanging on my wall that I'm not sure I want to give up just yet, if ever. There is the sense of identity I have with being a lawyer. There is the unknown aspect of being a stay-at-home-mom. There is the worry of being wholly financially dependent on my husband and putting that pressure on him. There is the fear of stepping away from a great job that I may never be able to get back. There is the worry of what if something happened to my husband in the future and I wasn't in a position to support our family anymore. There is another mouth to be fed in less than 4 short months. There are all the positive aspects of daycare. There is the security that comes with a two-income household. There are just a lot of unknowns.
I've decided it's best to not make any rash decisions while pregnant. Pregnancy hormones are real man. Like whoa. I know I'm hyper sensitive and hyper emotional right now. I know this in my head. It's just conveying that to my heart that is the daily struggle.
yes. every. single. day.
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