Before becoming a mom I was worried I wouldn't be any good at it. I convinced myself that the slew of bad decisions I'd made during my teenage years and early 20's surely made me unfit to parent another human being. I didn't possess an innate maternal instinct and I didn't grow up dreaming about the children I would have one day. But the day Lukas was born was the best day of my life. Something inside me clicked and everything felt right in my world. It turns out that I was meant to be a mother. And I love this role in my life above and beyond everything else that I do. It feels natural. It brings me joy. And I wouldn't trade a day of the hard parenting times (two year old temper tantrums anyone?) for anything in the world. Simply put, I love being a mom.
So there is a huge part of me that is beyond excited to bring another little boy or girl into my life and spread my parenting wings wider. I now know I possess the one single skill you need to be a good mom: love. Lots and lots of love. Everything else works itself out.
But I've found myself anxious and a little worried this time around too, but for very different reasons than my first pregnancy.
I now worry about how my relationship with Lukas will change. I won't be able to give him all of my attention at home. He'll have to share his mommy with a baby sister or baby brother. What happens when he wants mommy to read him his bedtime books and play with Thomas when mommy is nursing the baby (an activity that daddy simply cannot do)? What happens when I'm home alone with both kids and Lukas wants mommy to "carry you" (his way of asking me to pick him up) but mommy's already holding a fussy, screaming baby? How do I share the love? How do I make sure Lukas knows he is loved and not being replaced with a newer model? How do I keep the special bond that we have going strong?
I now worry about being spread too thin. The working mom gig can be tough and I already feel like I don't have enough time with Lukas. Now I'll be splitting that time between two kiddos. Will it be enough? Will I go through all the emotions of feeling like a bad parent again since I don't spend the majority of my time with my children? Will I feel another pull to become a Stay-at-Home-Mom? Will the daycare guilt start all over again when I hand a 12 week old infant over to people he/she doesn't know yet? Will I question my decision to have (more) kids when I'm not even the one to "raise" them?
I know in the end everything will work out. I know there will be up moments and I know there will be down moments. I know that crazy hormones stick around way past pregnancy and tend to amplify any feelings I'll feel. And in my heart I know that all the what-ifs and worrying will be worth it, because while I am worried, I know how my heart will swell with more love than I ever imagined possible the moment I see this new little soul for the first time and hold him or her in my arms. I know the bond that will immediately form the moment I nurse this little one. I know that Lukas is going to be an amazing big brother. I know I will cry when I see Lukas kiss his little sibling on the head for the first time. I know the love I already have for my husband will multiply exponentially when I see him singing songs to our new addition in the middle of the night. I know the joys of motherhood are going to increase with a new baby. And for those reasons I'm so excited to be adding to our family.
But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous too. Transitions and change can be scary. But sometimes the scary things are the best things that happen to us in this life.
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