I've always felt that life would be a little bit better if everyone was more honest with each other about their "situation" and how they're feeling. For instance, I really appreciated when my friend Katie was honest about the first six weeks of her son's life when she told me it was really hard and that she got really depressed and cried just about every day. Some people would never share this information for fear of it making them look weak, or wanting to keep up the facade that parenting, and all aspects thereof, is always wonderful. But I really appreciated her honesty and felt comforted that it isn't abnormal to have those feelings in the event I find parenting to be difficult myself.
So I feel its only fair for me to be totally honest on here with all of you about this pregnancy, and how I'm feeling, and especially about how it's not all been Sunshine and Roses. (I'm also keeping this blog in lieu of a pregnancy journal, so I think it'll be good for me in the future to have a written recollection of this time).
I've said on here before that I've had an "easy pregnancy." And my rationale for defining it that way is the fact that I've not had morning sickness and have more or less maintained my energy level. But, the truth is, the past six months have not been without their difficulties. So here's the truth about my pregnancy...
For one thing, my biggest pregnancy side effect is flatulence and it's not pleasant - for me, the husband or the animals. And nothing really seems to help.
I've started to pee when I sneeze. Seriously. Not every time, but about 40% of all sneezes are accompanied by a little urine. I had no idea this might happen, but the more I've talked to other pregnant friends, or mothers, this apparently is a common thing during pregnancy. Supposedly kegel exercises can help - here's to hoping! In the meantime, pantyliner might be a new staple...
I have zero libido. I'll leave it at that.
I had a serious breakdown last night about feeling very depressed and not feeling like myself. This was brought on by a shopping trip to Target where I was trying on some clothes - the dressing rooms have double mirrors so you can see your front and back at the same time...lets just say the florescent lights did not help my body image. I'm carrying Lukas very "tight" and low, so my stomach doesn't protrude too much, but I feel like the rest of me is just expanding. Mr. Cob was so sweet and said he honestly hadn't noticed. And most days I feel OK about my changing body, but some days I just feel like I'm becoming the thunder thighed person a frenemy in college once told me I was. I know I'm supposed to be gaining this weight for the little guy, and I don't have a problem with the numbers on the scale, but its the way the weight is being distributed that has been hard. On the plus side, my boobs are bigger than they've ever been, which is great!
Mr. Cob and I are both waiting for this pregnancy to hit him and for him to have a massive freak out. He doesn't feel too connected to Lukas, which I completely understand. I'm walking around with him 24 hours a day, and Mr. Cob doesn't have anything tangible yet that screams "You're about to be a dad!" I wish I knew how to make him feel more included.
I'm worried that I'm going to be a bad mom. I still get scared when the doorbell rings at night and I'm alone, and I rarely get a good night sleep when Mr. Cob is away. How the hell am I suddenly going to gain this courage to be this strong, together person that a baby needs? I worry that the baby will completely change the dynamic of my marriage to Mr. Cob. And I really like my marriage, so I'm nervous about it changing. I worry that I'm going to have a really hard time returning to work after maternity leave and feel terrible about leaving Lukas in daycare all day with someone else essentially raising him. And even worse, I worry that I won't feel those things, but instead will be relieved to go back to work. In general, I'm just nervous about all the unknowns.
Oh, and I am still craving dirty vodka martinis. And red wine. I'm looking forward to my first cocktail post-birth. It's the truth. Feel free to judge me.
So that's the truth. It's not neat and clean, but neither is life. I do love this baby boy though, that's the one constant. Actually, there's two constants - I love my husband. He's been amazing, especially when I've been depressed and upset. I'm not sure I could do this without him, nor would I ever want to. He's going to be an incredible father, and the thought of seeing him interact with his son in a few months is one of the things that makes me smile and feel so excited about being pregnant. The rest of the things, however, I could do without.
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