Head Above Water

Do you ever feel like you're doing it all wrong? I know it's a common feeling for moms. We question everything. Every decision. Every word that comes out of our mouth. Every disciplinary word. Every interaction with our children. It's like a bad movie reel rolling in my head each night. Did I give enough grace? Or was I too harsh? Did I rush them through bedtime even though I know it's their favorite time of day with me? Are my priorities seriously off? Am I messing them up? Am I missing it?

I really struggle with parenting. It doesn't come easy to me. I didn't grow up dreaming about becoming pregnant. I hated babysitting. I feel like I'm walking blindly with each stage of parenting. It is not innate to me. You'd think that almost 8 years and three kids later that I'd have a grasp. I don't. I am winging it every. single. day. And some days I just know I'm doing it wrong.

I know they say that if you're worried about being a bad parent then you aren't one. I know I'm not a "bad" parent, but I don't know if that equates to doing a good job at parenting. Is the opposite of a bad parent a good one? I don't necessarily think so.

Regardless of the label, I worry that I'll wake up in ten years and wish I had done it different. Ten years from now I'll have a senior in high school. If I wait until then it'll be too late. It already feels too late in many ways. My oldest is full on boy. He's not little anymore and I miss that baby boy who I used to hunt dinosaurs with on our morning commute. I know, babies don't keep.

In today's world we are pulled in so many different directions. Work. Social. Marriage. House. Friendship. Working out. Eating healthy. Date nights. School functions. Sports. Extended family. Laundry. Social media. It is exhausting just writing it all. I try to balance it all but I do a horrible job. Actually, I don't try to balance it all, I simply try to do it all. Often to the detriment of my kids. I check Facebook during homework time. I get annoyed if I have to miss a MNO because of soccer practice. I'm a little bitter if I miss a long run because we have to be at the field early.

And even when I'm present, I'm not present. I've always prided myself on being a great multi-tasker, but I'm starting to think multi-tasking is just one way we cause ourselves more stress. I'm not sure how to change, but I know I want to. I'm sitting at my kitchen counter listening to Avril Lavigne on repeat crying as I type this. I know life is busy, but I don't want to be so busy. I want to fully sink in to this beautiful life. I want to a great mom, not merely a good one by default of not being "bad" and I know it's possible. I simply need to put as much energy into committing to change as I do to say training for a half marathon or buying sushi when the urge strikes.

I don't know if the answer is a social media detox, or perhaps deleting apps from my phone. I actually think turning my phone OFF for certain periods of each day might do me wonders. I'm not sure how I'm going to become this version of myself I want to be, but acknowledging that I'm not her right now is a good start, right?