Head Above Water

Do you ever feel like you're doing it all wrong? I know it's a common feeling for moms. We question everything. Every decision. Every word that comes out of our mouth. Every disciplinary word. Every interaction with our children. It's like a bad movie reel rolling in my head each night. Did I give enough grace? Or was I too harsh? Did I rush them through bedtime even though I know it's their favorite time of day with me? Are my priorities seriously off? Am I messing them up? Am I missing it?

I really struggle with parenting. It doesn't come easy to me. I didn't grow up dreaming about becoming pregnant. I hated babysitting. I feel like I'm walking blindly with each stage of parenting. It is not innate to me. You'd think that almost 8 years and three kids later that I'd have a grasp. I don't. I am winging it every. single. day. And some days I just know I'm doing it wrong.

I know they say that if you're worried about being a bad parent then you aren't one. I know I'm not a "bad" parent, but I don't know if that equates to doing a good job at parenting. Is the opposite of a bad parent a good one? I don't necessarily think so.

Regardless of the label, I worry that I'll wake up in ten years and wish I had done it different. Ten years from now I'll have a senior in high school. If I wait until then it'll be too late. It already feels too late in many ways. My oldest is full on boy. He's not little anymore and I miss that baby boy who I used to hunt dinosaurs with on our morning commute. I know, babies don't keep.

In today's world we are pulled in so many different directions. Work. Social. Marriage. House. Friendship. Working out. Eating healthy. Date nights. School functions. Sports. Extended family. Laundry. Social media. It is exhausting just writing it all. I try to balance it all but I do a horrible job. Actually, I don't try to balance it all, I simply try to do it all. Often to the detriment of my kids. I check Facebook during homework time. I get annoyed if I have to miss a MNO because of soccer practice. I'm a little bitter if I miss a long run because we have to be at the field early.

And even when I'm present, I'm not present. I've always prided myself on being a great multi-tasker, but I'm starting to think multi-tasking is just one way we cause ourselves more stress. I'm not sure how to change, but I know I want to. I'm sitting at my kitchen counter listening to Avril Lavigne on repeat crying as I type this. I know life is busy, but I don't want to be so busy. I want to fully sink in to this beautiful life. I want to a great mom, not merely a good one by default of not being "bad" and I know it's possible. I simply need to put as much energy into committing to change as I do to say training for a half marathon or buying sushi when the urge strikes.

I don't know if the answer is a social media detox, or perhaps deleting apps from my phone. I actually think turning my phone OFF for certain periods of each day might do me wonders. I'm not sure how I'm going to become this version of myself I want to be, but acknowledging that I'm not her right now is a good start, right?

And so it begins...again

I haven't kept up this blog, obviously. But I miss writing. Every time I feel the urge to write again I go through this process of feeling the need to start over. Begin a new blog. Start fresh. So I go looking for a new name and platform. I think of a new angle. I want the perfect start. And then I end up doing nothing. But not this time. I've realized that the package doesn't really matter, does it? The point is to get the words on the page. So, here I am. I did change the blog name though, so there's that.

My goal: to write. Same as always. I never sit down with an agenda. I simply let the words flow. Sometimes that is disastrous and the end product is pure crap worthy of the delete button and nothing more. But other times the words that emerge surprise even me.

Writing is cathartic. It helps me work through all the thoughts jumbled in my head. It sometimes provides clarity. So that's my one hope.

Another hope is to connect with other people. I think that's my gift in this world - to connect others together. Women crave connection but so often we feel alone. At least I know I have at various times throughout my life. Some of those times were when I had a lot of people around me and others occurred when I was the new girl in town without a friendly face in sight.

Encouraging others to live their best life is my passion. It's taken some time to figure that out, but it's clear. I am at my best when I am helping someone else realize their true potential. To see the spark ignite in someone, to help them fan the flame and then to see them step into their light is truly a beautiful space to hold. I want to help more women find this light within themselves.

And I feel that the two, connection and encouragement, go hand in hand. Going alone towards any target is scary. But when you have a hand to hold, the journey is sweeter. The fear is lessened. The victories are grander, as they are shared. So apparently this is my end game goal with this writing. To write until the path is opened upon which I can connect and encourage others. I don't know what that is going to look like. I don't know how long it will take to uncover this road. But I'm beyond excited to get going.

And so tonight I start day 1 in this discovery. The intention has been set. The keys are ready for my fingers to fly. The words will uncover the way. I'm excited to see where we go.

And this is the beauty of writing - I had no idea this was all in my head until I sat down tonight and begin typing. "Those who don't jump will never fly."  XO