No Update

We haven't heard from the doctor in a week so we're still waiting on the results of Bridget's microarray analysis. I'm trying to stay calm. I'm telling myself that most of the big, scary things have already been ruled out. Which helps a bit. But I know there are other scary things that are still possible. And there is the chance that they'll find something but not know what it means, which would just cause more worry and wonder.  Doing this amnio was opening Pandora's box in a way. It can be comforting to have information, but at what point is the information toxic?

I'll be 23 weeks tomorrow. I feel Bridget move on a regular basis. The contractor is at our house right now working on our house renovations that will include creating Bridget's room. I talk to her daily. She's not just an abstract thing anymore. She's this real person growing inside me. At this point I'm pretty sure I'll continue the pregnancy regardless of the microarray results. I hope I didn't jinx myself by saying that out loud. But it's true. I feel like I'm in this now. Plus, we're more or less to the point of viability. So there's that. I hate that my head still contemplates this what if decision. I wish I could just turn it off. I suppose that won't happen until the doctor calls. Or until next Thursday when I'm 24 weeks and there is no decision to be made.

I'm now nervous about her kidney. I can handle her having one kidney when she's born (well, she can handle having one kidney since I'm told that's all she'll need to thrive). It's this waiting every 2 weeks for another ultrasound to check on her progress that is so hard. There was a sense of relief last Wednesday when the MFM told us what he saw (and didn't see for that matter). It lasted a few days. I'm a week away from my next appointment and I'm wondering what's going on in there. Is the fluid in the kidney/cyst/urinoma accumulating more? Is her right kidney still functioning properly? Is my amniotic fluid level staying at a normal level or is it dropping? And yet all I can do is try to stay calm and wait. I know my worrying and stressing out isn't good for me or Bridget, but I can't turn it off. The fear is sitting with me every minute of every day. The doctor told me to enjoy my pregnancy, but really, how am I supposed to do that?

A friend posted on Facebook earlier this week that Worry is believing God won't get it right.  I so wish I had faith that would allow me to believe those words. But my relationship with God has always been complicated. But you can bet your ass we're talking on a regular basis and I'm praying and pleading and begging for her to be healthy. I believe in the power of prayer and the collective consciousness that can move mountains, so thank you for your continued prayers.

And speaking of prayer, please say a prayer for my sorority sister Liz who is awaiting results from a brain biopsy. She is such a sweet soul, a young mother, professional woman and loving wife. Pray that she gets good results this week and that she finds some peace in the waiting.