When the Attacks Come Back

I have to admit I've been feeling really good about myself the past few months and had actually believed the anxiety attacks were behind me. Turns out it was time for me to be knocked off my high horse. I had a panic attack Friday night at dinner and then the beginnings of another one last night before a Beautycounter social got underway.  It starts with my heart racing and then I simply panic (hence the name...) and sometimes I get it under control, yet other times it just spirals. Friday night it spiraled. Last night I reigned it in, thankfully.

Friday night we were out to dinner with my sister-in-law and her husband to my favorite restaurant in Macon (coincidentally it was the same restaurant where I had my last attack in December on our first double date with my Tuesday Morning friend). We were finishing dinner when the heart pounding began.  I tried so hard to will it away, reminding myself there was nothing to worry about. But it devolved until I found myself sitting on my bed holding the bottle of Xanax with tears streaming down my face.  The medication was there for a reason, yet I couldn't make myself take it. In the moment I felt like taking the medicine would amount to failure on my part. So I just sat there staring at the orange bottle still filled with 15 small, white pills. I couldn't calm down, yet I couldn't open the bottle. I felt so conflicted. Eventually, reason won out (along with a little hand-holding by my husband and the gentle remind that this was not my being defeated). I just wanted it to stop, so I took the pill. And it stopped, allowing me to fall into a blissful sleep.

Saturday I woke up in a fog and it didn't lift for most of the day. We had friends over for an early Easter egg hunt and I felt disconnected until late in the afternoon. I'm not sure if it was lingering effects of the Xanax, or if it was self-imposed depression for feeling like a failure. The sadness continued into Sunday.

After talking with Kajal, my awesome nutritionist, she reminded me that I had stopped taking my normal supplements earlier last week to battle some sort of sickness I'd come down with. So she wasn't surprised the panic attack and anxiety came back. On the one hand it showed me that the whole food supplements are working, but it worries me that I'll have to take those forever to keep this in check. And while I'd rather take a natural supplement over medication, I apparently could continue working on my coping mechanisms.  Yoga and meditation come to mind as something I need to get into, but continue not doing.

But I'm not sure what to think of last night's near attack.  I'm back on my regular supplement routine (although only for a day), so maybe the supplements aren't keeping it totally under control. But part of me feels it was self induced - before I even departed for Athens I realized I'd left my little orange bottle of pills at home on my nightstand instead of safely tucked away in my purse where they've lived for the past few months. I considered driving home to get them before leaving but decided against it, thinking I'd be fine. So I'm wondering if the fear of not having the pills with me in case an attack started was what brought on the heart pounding to begin with? I now sort of understand the doctor's worry about retreating into social phobia if you have panic attacks. You wonder why you even bother putting yourself in a situation where you could get anxious in front of a whole group of people.

But I was able to suppress the anxiety long enough last night to get through my presentation. I think it helps that part of my "story" involves admitting to a room of strangers that I have this anxiety problem. Once it is out there, some of the power goes away.  Which is one reason I want to keep writing about these attacks. I want to not be afraid of having an attack. I want others to know that people deal with this. I want others to know that the smiling girl next to you at a party may end the night in tears after being struck down with debilitating anxiety.

The smiling girl                                            And the anxiety

We all have our things. I was reminded of this last night in talking to a friend who's dealing with her own set of shit, which is completely different from my issue. Just remember when you're interacting with anyone that you don't walk in their shoes. You don't know what internal battle they're fighting. One of the most compassionate things you can do is to love others as you want to be loved and really try not to judge someone because you just don't know where they are on their path.  And treat yourself with the same love and kindness. This is a lesson I'm continuing to have to remind myself and one I suspect I'll continue struggling with as time goes on.