My favorite time of year is almost here. New Year's Day. In two days a blank slate is handed over. I realize that the new year is just like any other day and I could pick any day of any week of any month to start "fresh" but for me, it's always New Year's Day. I always make resolutions. Although the past few years I've wised up and listed out my Intentions for the year instead. I've found that if you break a resolution you tend to throw your hands up in the air and move on, having failed at your resolve. But if you set an intention for your year, you can't ever fail at that. It is something you just keep striving for. If you get off course, it's OK. You simply get back on. But it's a road map or blueprint for your year. And I like knowing where I'm trying to go.
I usually write out my intentions on New Year's Day. I keep them in the notes on my phone. I still have my lists from 2012, 2013 and last year. They're all more or less the same. Eat clean/stop eating out/plan meals. Exercise/walk 10,000 steps per day/do something active at least 10 minutes each day. Have lots of sex. Save more money. Be patient in parenting. Work on communication skills. Put down the phone/be present in this moment. Don't judge others/don't gossip. Stop caring what what others think/don't compare.
I suppose these are my self-help desires that I'm constantly working on. Some years I follow these intentions and keep them at the forefront of my mind. But for the most part, I have so many intentions that I can't focus on any of them. Sure I'll eat better in January and February. I'll get a good workout routine going. I can set an automatic savings plan up with my bank. But eventually most of my intentions end up just like failed resolutions. Forgotten.
2014 brought many changes to my life and my family. It's been a good year, but it's also been a hard year. Change is like that. It's good but hard. And sometimes I've lost sight of what is important and other times I've worried about how it's all going to work out. I've actually spent a lot of time worrying. How are we going to make this new budget work for us? How am I going to make friends in this town where I don't know many people? What is going to happen with my job? When will we ever save enough money to renovate our kitchen? When will I finally lose all the baby weight? When will Julian learn to sleep all night, every night? What if I am fucking up as a parent and screwing up my kids even though I have their best intentions at heart? How do I maintain my friendships now that I no longer live in the same town?
Come to think of it, there's been a lot of worrying over the what ifs. And it's time to stop worrying. As my aunt has always said, Worry if it helps. Well, worrying about all these things doesn't help. It just causes anxiety and fear. There are many things I can't control and only time will tell how things will unfold.
So I've decided that instead of making a list of intentions or resolutions for 2015, I'm only focusing on one thing. This is my year of Letting Go. I know this will be difficult for me at times, as I'm a planner and type A person in many ways, but I need to just live in the moment. I need to let go of the fears. I need to let go of the worries. And I need to believe that things will work out.
I'm also Letting Go of my obsession/addiction with my smartphone and social media. I love Facebook and Instagram because I feel connected to people. I feel like I'm in the know. But the truth is, I'm not actually maintaining any relationships via social media. I'm giving myself a false sense of friendship and connection. Seeing what is going on in someone's life via their FB post is not the same as them calling you about it and sharing in the joy together. I will likely keep my accounts going and continuing posting, but it will be much less frequent.
I'm Letting Go of my need to know how this is all going to work out. My friendships in Atlanta that are meant to sustain, simply will. I will build a network of friends here in time and I'm going to stop worrying about that happening - it will. It has already started. My career will find the right path. My boys will be OK despite my flaws as a parent. My marriage will withstand these hard years of small children and little sleep and this big move we've just made. In fact, it will not only withstand, it will thrive. It too, already is.
I'm excited for 2015 and what it will bring. If you'd have told me on January 1st, 2014 I'd end the year living in Macon and working in a new place, I'd have thought you were crazy and I certainly wouldn't have been thrilled at the idea. But as this year closes, I am thrilled with where I'm sitting. So bring it on 2015, I'm ready for you and my year of Letting Go.
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