A Year Later

Today marks the 365th day that I've been back at work since my maternity leave ended.  In many ways it is hard to believe a full year has passed.  In others, it feels like yesterday that I cried my way to work that first day back.  If I had my shit together enough, I'd do a comparison of Lukas then versus Lukas now.  But the reality is, I haven't cracked open his baby book in months and he's changed in more ways than I could count.  So instead, lets talk about me.

Here are the things that I would never have thought would be true about myself a year ago, but are in fact true:

1.  I'm still breastfeeding Lukas.  I tend to not make this fact known and avoid the topic if it comes up, or just fail to mention it.  But I think I'm doing a disservice to other moms who are currently, or who are thinking about, nursing past the year mark.  I really thought a year would be it.  But then November 8th came and went, and nothing changed.  I still wanted to continue and Lukas showed no signs of disinterest, so we continued.  And to be honest, I don't have any plan about how long I'll keep nursing him.  I've read a lot of research on nursing toddlers, mainly in an effort to arm myself against people who think its wrong, and I could give you the information I've learned, but I've come to the realization that I don't need to defend my decision.  It's my decision.  He's my son and it's working for us.   And I'm not going to change what I'm doing based on other people's opinions.  And for any moms out there with questions, I'm happy to talk more about it and think maybe it would help remove the stigma if more moms talked about it.  From my own experience, I can say that I think the continued nursing has helped keep Lukas healthier - he's only had one "sick" visit to the pediatrician since he was born (almost 15 months now) and has somehow avoided almost all of the bugs that have hit his friends at daycare.   And if his social development has been delayed because of my nursing him this long, then I don't really want to know what his non-delayed social development would be.  He can be soothed in other ways than nursing, he can put himself to sleep without nursing, and he doesn't lift up my shirt in public demanding the boob.  He doesn't take a pacifier or drink from a bottle.  So far, I've seen zero negative effects from the "prolonged" nursing.  And, apparently I'm more passionate about this than I even realized.

2.  I like being a working mom.  I don't particularly like the days when I get home after 7pm and only have 10 minutes with my little man, such as tonight.  But most days are not like today.  He is learning so much at baby school and he has fun with his little friends.  Tonight, when Mr. Cob picked him up, Lukas saw Mr. Cob, smiled and then ran away from him and kept playing with his friends.  He's happy.  What more could I want?  And for me, well, I really like having my cup of coffee in quiet.  I enjoy the adult conversation I have on a daily basis with my co-workers.  I like the challenging work and client interaction.  I like getting dressed up in heels every day.  I like that I worked hard for my degrees and am using them.  (Lord knows I am still paying for them, so there's that too.)  Also, one thing I have learned about myself is that I am much more efficient and productive when I have a full plate.  And for me, I'm more present in whatever it is I'm doing, whether it be acting as "mom" or as "lawyer" or as "wife" or as "friend".  I think being a working mom has helped me prioritize my life and approach it differently.

3.  I don't envy stay at home moms -  When I was on maternity leave, I did.  I was jealous of moms who were able to stay home with their babies.  But now, I see how hard it is to be a SAHM.  You are expected to have a full time job (raising the children), while also keeping the house spotless, pack lunches, cook dinners, balance the checkbook, exercise, do all the laundry, etc. etc.  And the reality is, when I'm home on the weekends with Lukas, he requires ALL of my, or Mr. Cob's, attention.  There's little time to get anything else done unless he's napping.  And quite frankly, when he's napping I really just want to sit my tired butt on the couch and do nothing.  Since I'm not a SAHM, I feel like people are more forgiving about the house not always being clean, or the laundry not being folded.  But it seems that SAHMs are expected to do it all and are judged if they're not.  On the flip side, I do realize I miss out on some of those "moments" with the my little guy.  But for me, for now, I don't want to trade in my briefcase for the SAHM gig.

4.  The stretch marks don't bother me.  I have stretch marks from my massive weight gain while pregnant.  I didn't really notice them as they were happening (denial, perhaps?), but they're on my hips, legs and booty.  I consider myself a somewhat vain person, but honestly, they don't both me at all.  When I see them I smile because they make me remember being pregnant with Lukas.  It's amazing what the female body can do and so what if I have a few reminders from growing a new person.  I wasn't a model before the baby and I'm not a model now.  A few stretch marks aren't anything to cry about, or obsess over.  Now, I'm pretty sure I'll cry when my boobs deflate post-nursing, so I'm not totally over the vain-thing.

5.  I have found my passion.  I was meant to be a mother.  I didn't know this until I had Lukas.  In fact, before he was born I worried I would be a horrible mother.  I didn't think I'd know how.  I'd made enough dumb choices on my own over the years and was convinced I'd screw him up immediately, if not sooner.  I also had a lot of inward discontentment because I felt as though I hadn't yet found that "thing" in life that I was meant to do.  (No, no, lawyering never gave me that feeling.)  But since having Lukas, I've realized that I am passionate about being a mother.  There is nothing in my life that I have felt so comfortable doing or felt so happy doing.  And since becoming a mother, all the other areas of my life have improved, and I have grown as a person.  I am happy with the woman I have become.  And I truly do feel joy every day.  I attribute most of that to becoming a mom.  It's the best thing in the world.  At least for me.