Advice that Isn't

There are many aspects about being a woman that I love.  But cattiness and judgement between other women is not one of them.  And worse yet, is judgement from other moms. 

I was on facebook the other day and saw a post from a college sorority sister that read something like this: hey facebook mommy friends, any advice for this new working mom?  Some days are really hard.  My response:  You can do it! It is really hard at first, but I promise that it does get better! My biggest advice is to not feel guilty and don't let other people's opinions make you feel bad. And cry when you need to :). Some days will be worse than others - but know there are lots of other working moms out there who can relate and are here to help!

I thought my advice was what I would've wanted to hear last February when I returned to work when I had a 12 week old at home/daycare.  It was upbeat and encouraging, yet understanding and hopefully made the recipient know she's not alone in her feelings.  And there is no sugar-coating it.  Return to work after having a baby is really, really hard.  I cried.  A. Lot.  But it did get better.  And eventually I got into a routine and everyone in our house is happy (some days more than others).  I made it through the first couple of months because I had a lot of people behind me and other working moms giving me advice and encouragement along the way.

What I luckily did not get, at least not to my face, was someone telling me that I was making the wrong decision.  That maybe it was hard because I should instead be at home with my baby.  But sadly, my facebook friend, received such "advice", if you can even it call it that.

One comment was to the effect of "It never gets easier."  This is not helpful to the new working mom, in any way. Whatsoever.  And for most working moms that I know, it's just not true.  It does get easier.  It takes time, but it does.  I still have days where I cry in the middle of the day at work because I wish I was at home with Lukas.  But those days are usually after I've been on vacation with him (and with my husband and away from all the responsibilities of day-to-day life), and/or are having an awful day at work, and really I'd rather be anywhere else.  It does get easier.

Another comment, which was the impetus for me writing this post said something along the lines of "It was really hard for me and I never became comfortable being away from my child. I love being home now and realize how precious this time is and how fast it will go. Something to consider?"  This comment made me want to jump through the computer and yell at this person.  It took all of my constraint to not post a comment in response and start an all out comment war on my friend's wall.  What got me the most was the end.  Something to consider?  As if this new working mom hasn't considered this.  I'd bet that just about EVERY new mom who plans to return to work at least CONSIDERS if only for a moment (or much longer) staying at home with her new baby instead of going back to work.  And a new mom reaching out to other moms for advice on juggling working and being a mom, certainly does not need someone else to remind her that she could get rid of this problem by quitting her job and staying at home with her baby.  If I'd read this piece of "advice" a week or two after returning to work from maternity leave, I would have immediately lost my shit.  At that point I was considering every second, of every day how I could figure out a way to be a stay-at-home-mom.  And I sure as hell didn't need someone else asking me if I'd considered it, especially since it was not an economic possibility for my family at that time, or even now.  And regardless of the reason a mom has for returning to work, financial or otherwise (call me crazy, some women LIKE working), putting into question another mother's decision is not your place, or helpful in any way.

Why that woman couldn't have said something encouraging and left it at that is baffling to me.  You are entitled to your opinion, but you might want to weigh when and how you express it.  And what is right for you, may not be right for the next person. 

So my advice to anyone offering advice to a new working mom, be kind with your words.  Say something loving and empowering to her.  Women have fought hard for rights of equality in the workplace and for the right to CHOOSE what to do with her career and her family life.  So don't judge someone when she chooses to be a mom and a working woman.  Love her.  Cheer her on.  And wish her strength and success.