I cried...

Yup, Monday morning was rough. Mr. Cob and I both went to drop Lukas off at “school”, both wanting to be there for his first day. We took separate cars so we could go to our offices straight from school. I drove Lukas and talked to him the entire ride over, explaining where we were going and that Mommy works and it doesn’t mean that I love him any less. I told him about all the friends he was going to make and how nice his teachers were going to be and how they were just going to love him. I was clearly still trying to convince myself that this was a good idea.

We got to the school and Mr. Cob carried him in. We went back to his room and met his teachers, who are both wonderful, nice ladies. There were a few other mom and dads there dropping off their babies. This one little boy was just crying. Loud, uncontrollable, inconsolable crying. This did not help my state of mind.

I was hugging on Lukas while we talked to one of the teachers, explaining a few of the little bits of information we thought might be useful for her to know about Lukas. And she sneakily asked to hold him. I didn’t realize at this time that when she took him, it meant it was time for me to go. Not that they were pushing us out the door at all. It’s just that it hadn’t occurred to me that she wouldn't give him right back and I’d stay all day holding him. But Mr. Cob looked at me and said, “Ok, it’s time.” And I just lost it. I started bawling. Like seriously bawling. I looked at Mr. Cob and the teacher and said, through my sobs, “I can’t go. I can’t leave him.” And I really didn’t think I could. If Mr. Cob hadn’t been with me and held my hand while coaxing me out the door, I really don’t think I would have left. But somehow I did leave. But I continued to cry.

Mr. Cob and I grabbed coffee afterwards and I cried some more. I drove to my office and sniffled in the car ride over. I composed myself on the walk from my parking deck over to my office. But then I got in my office, shut my door and just sat at my desk hysterically sobbing again. We’re talking full on break down for a good five to ten minutes.

But luckily one of the partners I work for called and gave me a project to keep me busy. She said there was no way I could sit here all day and not have anything to do. So I got to work and stopped crying. But then the franchise owner of Lukas’ school sent me this email:

Lukas is having a great first day at Primrose! What a sweet boy he is!! I went down to visit with the new students and immediately I realized that Lukas is the happy, smiley one in the group. The entire time I was in the room he just grinned and grinned at me. He has such a sweet demeanor. What’s the secret? ;) He’s truly having a great morning. I hope you are too! Thank you for sharing your sweet boy with us!

And they included this picture:

Then I started crying all over again. But this time I was crying for another reason. I’m happy he’s at a school where they send you an email on the first day letting you know how your baby is doing. And I was happy that he was OK.

At lunch I drove over to Lukas’ school and fed him. I’m not sure I would have made it through a full day without going to see him. And I left work early to pick him up. By the end of the day I felt emotionally drained. But we made it through his first day.

It has been easier each day. Mr. Cob is dropping him off in the mornings and I’m picking him up after work. So far I’ve gone over and fed him every day at lunch. Yesterday he was so sleepy that he didn’t even open his eyes while I nursed him. He clearly wasn’t missing me. And then today he was happy when I got there, ate like a champ and was happy when I left him. I know I won’t be able to see him every day during lunch, but for this first week, it is definitely helping me feel better his being there. We are lucky to be able to afford such a nice school and lucky that his teachers are so great.

And it really is the best feeling to go pick him up at the end of the day and have him give me a huge gummy smile when he sees me. It lets me know he knows who his momma is and that he’s happy to see me. Because Lord knows my heart skips a beat when I see him after being away from him all afternoon.

Can you tell I adore my little man?