Religous choice

Over the past week that I spent with my parents at the beach, we had many conversations over dinner and games of dominoes and Phase Ten (our two games du jour for the week).  I learned about aspects of my father's childhood which I never before had heard (for example, when he was very young, he lived in a large house with his extended family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - think typical Italian family.  How have I not heard this in my 29 years with them?!?).  We also had multiple talks about raising children and what it means to be a parent when you have adult children and how to handle elderly parents, when the child flips into the role of "parent".

The conversation that struck me the most and which I haven't been able to stop thinking about is a lengthy 2-3 hour conversation we had over lunch one afternoon.  I'm not sure how it began exactly, but the conversation was about religion.  At some point, I made the statement that in many ways I think it would've been easier if I'd been brought up believing in one specific religion.  I reasoned that I would then know what to believe and not be battling with the current questions I'm facing about religion and my own spirituality.  I didn't mean this as an insult to the way my parents raised me, nor do I think they took it that way.  But both parents emphatically disagreed with me. 

Well, to be fair, my dad acknowledged how I could think that it would be "easier" for me now had I been raised to believe one specific thing, but he questioned whether it would really in fact have mattered in the end.  As he pointed out, he was "raised" Catholic and went to Catholic school his whole childhood, but after many years he made up his own mind to reject Catholicism because it didn't feel right to him.  (These are my words paraphrasing what he said).  So he reasoned, that they could've raised me to be say a Protestant and I could have read the Bible every day and gone to Sunday school each week, but since I am in intelligent, free-thinking woman (thanks dad), at some point I would probably start questioning Protestantism and have to make up my own mind as to whether I truly believe everything I would've been taught.

I see his point.  But yet I still think that if I'd been raised in some sort of religion, I'd at least have a baseline for where to start now.  Would I still be totally confused?  Probably.  But today, I have no real idea what I believe.  Mr. Cob and I have started reading the Bible a few different times, but ended up stopping for various reasons.  We've also tried a handful of churches, but have yet to find one that "feels right." (at least in my opinion).  And so, at 29 years old, I have been struggling with this for a few years now.  I use the word struggling loosely, because this isn't something that keeps me up at night, or something that I put too much effort in to trying to figure out, but it's enough of an "issue" that I went so far as to begin writing a book about my frustrations the past year (only to abandon it when I became busy with other stuff - as is my way).

As it is, I was not raised to believe in one religion and I can't change that fact.  So whether it would've been "easier" for me to handle my spirituality now or not had I been raised differently is moot.  The more important question is what steps do I take from here?  How do I reconcile these feelings of frustration with an almost complete lack of any one faith?  And while Mr. Cob and I are on this church search, is it really a "church" that I should be searching for?  Or is it a belief?  Do I need a formal church?  What are the positives of finding one?  Do Mr. Cob and I need to believe the same thing?  Will Lukas be "better" off if we do find a church and lead him down one religious path of our choosing or will he do as my father did, and one day decide what he believes on his own regardless of how he is raised spiritually as a child?

Lots of questions.  Yet I have very few answers.

So what do I believe?  Maybe that is the best place to start.

- I believe in a higher being.  I refer to him as God, but I think He goes by many names and means different things to different people.

- I believe that inherently people are good and that treating others with kindness and love should be the basis for all interactions.

- I believe that there have been many amazing spiritual leaders who have walked the Earth and whom we should aspire to emulate in our own lives.

- I believe that the Bible has many wonderful stories that can be used to help teach us morals (though admittedly, I have not "read" the Bible and thus cannot really say much about it).

- I believe there are many paths to Heaven and that one religion cannot possibly trump another.  Each person should have the right to choose their own spiritual path and we should never condemn or judge another for believing something different from ourselves.

- I believe in Heaven, although I couldn't tell you what it looks like or really what I think happens when we die.  I believe in Heaven because it saddens me not to.  I use the word "Heaven" to mean something other than this life.  I hope its a place where my soul will be reunited with loved ones and where this journey will continue. 

And while my list of what I believe is short, I think it's equally, if not more important, to sort out what I do not believe.  And so here is what I do not believe.

- I do not believe in Hell.

- I do not believe in a vengeful God. 

- I do not believe in a God who would give us free-will and then punish us for making choices that are opposite to his desires.

- I do not believe that I was born in "sin".  This does not make sense to me.

- I do not believe in fear-based religion.

- I do not believe that premartial sex is "wrong".  I do not believe that homosexuality is "wrong".

- I do not believe this life is all there is.

- I do not believe that simply going to church every Sunday makes you religious.

- I do not believe that there is only one true path to God.

After making this list, I don't think the problem is necessarily finding a church or religion that coincides with what I do believe.  I think the problem will be with finding one that also adheres to everything I do not believe.

I wrote this post in hopes of sorting out some of my thoughts, but I now feel more confused.  I have more questions than when I started.  I suppose the next step is researching various religions and continuing to try new churches in hopes of finding something that speaks to me.

So here's to a renewed interest in the Church Search.  Which should perhaps be changed to the "Religion Search" or the "Spiritual Search".  Or maybe simply "the Great Search"...

If you need me, I'll be searching.