Cob here. We picked out a theme for Lukas’ room this weekend. Very exciting. It is this adorable theme of lions, bears and tigers playing soccer, baseball and football. It is so cute. Yes, I do sound like Mrs. Swan saying that, but it is true.
However, the choosing of said pattern was brutal. Absolutely brutal. Here is the thing. Mrs. Swan wanted something classy. Something subtle. Mauve, sea foam, and other colors that make the baby’s room look like it should be in a Restoration Hardware catalog. Granted, I understand her position. We are the ones who have to look at it all the time. He is just a baby, he won’t understand the décor anyway.
I guess I beg to differ. To me, the idea is to surround Lukas with as much stimulation, learning opportunities as possible. This kid is going to spend the first 6 months of his life just looking around at stuff. A lot of the time he is going to be in this crib and in his room. Now, what can he learn, or even focus on, by looking at what is essentially a catalog lay out. To me, lets show him lions, soccer balls, dinosaurs, and dinosaurs eating lions while kicking soccer balls. Things that will trigger his imagination.
This is not to say that I was going to veto a “classy” bedroom set. Ultimately, this theory of mine, even if true, is probably no substitute for good old fashioned parenting, i.e. reading books, brushing your teeth, and not cursing too much. In fact, we were going to go with a cartoony owls pattern matched with some plaid stuff that was pretty good. I was down with it. But ultimately, Mrs. Swan realized that she really didn’t have a clue what she wanted in a room. And I did. So Animal All-Stars it is.
Then we got home and I went to my improv class. After class, I came home to find a beaming wife. Apparently, in cleaning out kids stuff form my room growing up, she came across all the adorable little sports and dinosaur things I had in my room growing up (which quite frankly I had mostly forgotten about). The big find was my grandfather’s baseball glove from the 1930s and 1940s (which he played catch with me using as late as the 1990s). Growing up I had it hanging in my room along with some autographed baseballs. Inspired, Mrs. Swan started going on some vintage baseball sites and found vintage baseball pennants, football and soccer posters etc. She was now very excited to decorate the room in a vintage sports theme. Needless to say, we are both excited about making this room fun.
You: Now, why the hell is he talking about home decorating? I thought I knew this man, is he sick? Schizophrenic? Did she just write this post and put his name at the top?
Me: Well after having “won” the great room debate (as I am calling it in my head), I began thinking about my theory. Essentially, I am trying to brainwash my son. And I am so excited about it. Maybe brainwashing is too strong of a word, but quite frankly, everything motivating me right now are my plans to introduce him to all the “things” that I love. I love the Cubs – so I am getting him a Cubs hat, just like Daddy. Soccer – I bought a mini soccer ball (that I presently kick around with the dog) with the thought of teaching him to play soccer. Science –Animals, especially dinosaurs. I always found dinosaurs are so mind blowing as a child, I mean essentially monsters roamed the earth. Learning Stuff - I have these flash cards of trivia questions about literature, math, science, history, etc. that I used to use as a kid to just teach myself random facts. I can’t wait to show those to him. Magic Cards – I used to play with my best friends and someday, maybe I can play with my kid. You know, totally nerd out with him.
A little bit of this, I acknowledge, is part of me dreaming of being able to act like a kid again. It is fueled by the nostalgia of what a great childhood I had. And he may not like all of it; he may not like any of it, really. But, like all parents, I am putting the stimuli in place to emphasize those things in his young life. It is why members of a family tend to have similar values. As parents, I think we try to give our children the things that we think are great, which necessarily means a little bit of brainwashing is going to happen.
You: But wait… I thought he was really into comedy too. SNL, Mr. Show, Monty Python, The State, The Comedians of Comedy, Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!
Other You: Yeah, you’re right, isn’t he a complete weirdo? He laughs at stuff that doesn’t make any sense.
Other Other You: Yeah, sometimes he talks to himself in the mirror in different accents. Surely his isn’t going to take the kid to see Patton Oswalt, or watch the Big Lebowski?
Me: That is correct. The Dude will have to wait a bit. I am reminded of a bit that Patton Oswalt does. He talks about his parents growing up being boring government employee parents and how that forced him to be an angry little world traveler with a killer sense of humor.
You: So does this mean only three more months of Cob’s jokes and voices?
Me: Well, kind of. Let me explain. My parents are complete weirdos. They look normal, they act normal. And for most of my life, I thought my father (government official) was a straight laced as they come. After all, the FBI had to ask our neighbors if he had “wild parties” once every couple of years. Trust me though, they’re nuts. They have a great sense of humor, they are so very funny and we have such a great time together.
But I have to be honest with you. I really didn’t know that growing up. My memories of them as a child is that they were rather serious people. My dad still thinks Norm McDonald “Isn’t funny.” But I think that is what made humor so fun to me. Like Patton, I felt like my quirky ways were some how dangerous, exciting, and little bit against mom and dad’s wishes. It fueled that silly side of me and encouraged me to take pride in being a weirdo. It encouraged me to forget what people think about me and just have fun.
Looking back, I clearly was wrong about my perceptions of my parents. I don’t know how many twelve year olds watched SNL nearly every week, or were allowed to catch Monty Python everyday after school. And they never scolded me for being a goof ball. Looking back, I see that they encouraged me, but it was subtle, such that I felt like it was my own this. I didn’t realize this, or how funny they really were until I was older, when I got to college. Then the family dynamic changed and it is great. The best part is that now I see a bit of what I imagine my parents were like before they had me and had to “get responsible.”
So there is my challenge, ladies and gentlemen. I know for the first ten years of Lukas’ life, I am going to have to keep my comedic indulgences on the DL. You know, DVR the latest episode of Always Sunny… and watch it later. And this is fine. But let me tell you this, I can’t wait for the day when he looks at the DVD collection and says “Dad what is Monty Python?” and instead of saying “I will tell you when you’re older” I can say to him “Well, have you ever heard of the Parrot Sketch? No? Pop it in. John Cleese is one of my favorites.”
On that note, I leave you all with a little game that I have been playing with my best friends and soon-to-be “uncles” Ronnie Trey and Kung Pao. Someday the four of us will share this little bit of gold with him. It is inspired by the famous Bill Brasky, described herein:
Bill Brasky: Holiday Inn
So in that vein, Kung Pao, Ronnie Trey, and Mr. Cob present…
Baby Lukas is a hell of guy!
[Interior Irish Pub. Three Drunks are drinking beer from glasses shaped as boots, as typically found in bars in Brussels]
Drunk No. 1: Do you know baby Lukas?
Drunk No. 2: I know Baby Lukas.
Drunk No. 3: Baby Lukas is a hell of a guy!
Drunk No. 2: Well he stands 5 foot 6, and weighs 165 pounds.
Drunk No. 1: Yeah. He’s a Genius too. He correctly spelled the word "subtle" at age 3 months, don’t ya know!
Drunk No. 2: Yeah, he’s been changing his own diapers for months now!
Drunk No. 3: You know he only gets his news from the BBC
Drunk No. 1: Baby Lukas delivered himself and slapped the doctor!
Drunk No. 2: He put together his own crib dont ya know!
Drunk No. 3: Baby Lukas just signed with the Miami Heat for the league maximum
Drunk No. 1: They say Baby Lukas warms his own bottle simply by staring at it.
Drunk No. 2: I heard he changes his grandparents' diapers as well as his own!
Drunk No. 3: Well, he's been known to rock his father to sleep at night!
Drunk No. 1: To Baby Lukas.
Drunks: To Baby Lukas!!!!
Great post! I agree that you don't really appreciate or understand who your parents really are until you are older and can reflect on your childhood. I think what was great about your parents, and mine as well, was that they allowed the weirdest comments to fly. Seriously, just recall some of the most random and weird things that have been spoken in our households over the years. I am pretty sure it will only make you a better parent to Lukas as he grows up because he won't be stifled in any way. Also, I wanted to say that you should have some sort of music playing device in his bedroom. I really believe listening to music at a young age can have a big impact on someone's creativity later in life. Bring on the beatles and Gwar!
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