I haven’t written in a while. I used to blog often. About
everything. And then one day I stopped. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious
decision, it simply happened. Sometime after my third child was born. You could
say that having three kids doesn’t give you much time for hobbies.
The thing is, I miss it. I miss having thoughts that turn
into words that form sentences and paragraphs and a piece of writing. Most
things I wrote were nothing special. Basic mommy-blogger stuff. But it felt
cathartic to share my experience with others. And I like to think I was a real
voice in a world full of filters and perfectly curated, matchy-match family
photos. So I’m going to start writing again. Starting, well, now.
Here’s the thing, I’m trying to disconnect from the
technology. Ironic that in my quest to do so I’ve decided to start writing
again. It’s not the technology that I loathe. It’s the lack of relationships it
causes and the ability to simply fold within. I find myself scrolling away on
facebook for what adds up to hours a day. Yes, hours. I tell myself it’s for my
“business”, but it’s not. Very few of these instances do anything to further my
mission and business. If I’m being honest I’m escaping. The internet is the
perfect place to hide.
But in doing so I am missing all the goings on around me. I
am missing my children needing me. I am missing connection with my husband. I
am missing out on forming actual, real relationships with people IN REAL LIFE.
I read an article yesterday explaining the rise in
depression and anxiety among teens as correlated to the rise in iphones. Not
surprising news, but jarring to read nonetheless. With a click of the button
you can instantly see events you weren’t invited to, playdates that didn’t
include your kids, the perfect date another couple is on or that dream vacation
you don’t have the money to take. So I am vowing to say enough is enough. I
need to change. I am going to change.
One of my girlfriends recently deactivated her Facebook
account. She said it was freeing. She doesn’t miss it in the least. I’m not
ready for that step as I do enjoy social media (I mean, please, have you seen
the ridiculous amount of selfies and kid pictures I post?). But I am going to
find a happy balance. I must.
A few nights ago I was rocking Bridget before bed. She is 21
months old and fits perfectly in my lap. Her chubby little legs wrap around my
body, her head full of soft blond curls rests in the crook of my neck and her
arms hold me tight. I am her world. And it is fleeting.
I walked out of her room and sobbed. Not because I will miss
this. Because I will. But because I can’t remember how it felt to hold either
of my boys (now 4.5 and almost 7) like that. I don’t know the last time I
rocked either of them. I don’t know when it was that they were too big for me
to hold like that. And I know that in the blink of an eye Bridget will be too
big too.
I left my job as a lawyer to spend more time with my kids. I
wanted to be the stay at home mom that I wasn’t when the boys were babies. I
wanted to BE there for them. But I’m not there. I’m 1,000 miles away in some
bullshit Instagram photo or FB article. I am distracted to say the least. And
they deserve more. I’m not saying they need to be the center of my universe,
but they need a present mother. And since I can’t uninvent the smart phone, I
will start where I can. I will make a conscious decision to put my phone in the
closet. I will get on the floor and draw with them. I will even get out the
paint and the playdough and we will make a damn mess.
And I will foster relationships in person. I want more
coffee dates with moms I don’t know well. I want to visit with my best friend
and her family and make memories together. I want to talk on the phone and hear
your voice rather than hide behind a text message. (Related, a friend texted me
this week asking me to call her about some beauty products and my heart skipped
a beat. We had never actually talked on the phone. How awkward would that be?
Spoiler alert: we gabbed on and on as if we were teenage girls and it was oh so
refreshing.)
I want more real, messy life. And as fucked up as it might
seem given all this, I plan on documenting it as it unfolds on this blog. So
let’s get wine. Let’s have coffee. Let’s have a video call at 10am to chat
about life. Let’s get our kids together after school and sit outside watching
them play. It’d be so much more soul-filling than simply liking each other’s
posts from afar, don’t you think?
