Suck it Should

I'm coming up on the anniversary of the day I quit practicing law. December 18th. I had so many hopes and feelings wrapped up in that decision and it has been life changing. But sometimes I forget that life is still messy and hard and it's OK to feel overwhelmed. I've struggled with thinking that I don't have a right to feel completely and totally overwhelmed because, well, I'm not a lawyer anymore. I don't have a high pressure, stressful job. So I should be fine.

But then I remember: I have three children, two of which are still extremely needy and little and who still wake up more nights than not. One who is in a naked phase right now (including undressed during naptime...including her diaper.) All 3 kids need their mama in different ways (although usually all at bedtime when I am so depleted and have to remind myself that those back scratches and books are the things they'll remember. Those are the important things.) Also, I work from home in between nap times, before anyone else is awake in the mornings and everywhere in between. (Mind you, instead of loathing my job I actually love what I do now, but it's still work that takes time, effort and attention.) I am a wife, a housekeeper, a chauffeur and a mom (oh wait, I already said that. But I think it bears repeating. I'm a mom of 3 littles). Occasionally I like to be a friend too. And next week I'll take Bridget back to her urologist for a scan that will determine if the post-op swelling has dissipated or if more tests are necessary. Plus, my kitchen has two huge holes in the wall and floor from a water leak that is costing us our $2000 deductible to repair. And the laundry. Oh the laundry.

I don't say any of that to complain or for anyone to feel sorry for me. These are all very first world problems, if you can even call them problems. But they are my life right now and they pile up causing huge feelings of "too much". Which is only fueled by the nagging voice in my head telling me I should be able to manage it all. I should be doing a better job. I should should should.

Well. I think that voice needs to be silenced. So I sat at the kitchen counter and cried all the tears today. And I actually feel better. Because I do know that I'll get it all done. And I know that life will never run perfectly or smoothly and that if I wait for it to then I'll miss all the beauty along the way.

But this time of year, when the holidays are upon us, we all need to give ourselves grace. 

Do the best you can. Say no if that's what is in your heart. Put all the "shoulds" aside and cry when you need to. Love on your babies and your significant other. Laugh when you hang four different shades of white icicle lights on your house and post the video on social media. Invite friends over for dinner even if your house is a disaster. Cut the feet off a pair of footie pajamas and put them on your nudist toddler backwards so she can't escape.  And for the love of God, set an alarm on your phone to move the damn elf.

I've Missed This. So Here We Go...

I haven’t written in a while. I used to blog often. About everything. And then one day I stopped. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious decision, it simply happened. Sometime after my third child was born. You could say that having three kids doesn’t give you much time for hobbies.

The thing is, I miss it. I miss having thoughts that turn into words that form sentences and paragraphs and a piece of writing. Most things I wrote were nothing special. Basic mommy-blogger stuff. But it felt cathartic to share my experience with others. And I like to think I was a real voice in a world full of filters and perfectly curated, matchy-match family photos. So I’m going to start writing again. Starting, well, now.

Here’s the thing, I’m trying to disconnect from the technology. Ironic that in my quest to do so I’ve decided to start writing again. It’s not the technology that I loathe. It’s the lack of relationships it causes and the ability to simply fold within. I find myself scrolling away on facebook for what adds up to hours a day. Yes, hours. I tell myself it’s for my “business”, but it’s not. Very few of these instances do anything to further my mission and business. If I’m being honest I’m escaping. The internet is the perfect place to hide.

But in doing so I am missing all the goings on around me. I am missing my children needing me. I am missing connection with my husband. I am missing out on forming actual, real relationships with people IN REAL LIFE.

I read an article yesterday explaining the rise in depression and anxiety among teens as correlated to the rise in iphones. Not surprising news, but jarring to read nonetheless. With a click of the button you can instantly see events you weren’t invited to, playdates that didn’t include your kids, the perfect date another couple is on or that dream vacation you don’t have the money to take. So I am vowing to say enough is enough. I need to change. I am going to change.

One of my girlfriends recently deactivated her Facebook account. She said it was freeing. She doesn’t miss it in the least. I’m not ready for that step as I do enjoy social media (I mean, please, have you seen the ridiculous amount of selfies and kid pictures I post?). But I am going to find a happy balance. I must.

A few nights ago I was rocking Bridget before bed. She is 21 months old and fits perfectly in my lap. Her chubby little legs wrap around my body, her head full of soft blond curls rests in the crook of my neck and her arms hold me tight. I am her world. And it is fleeting.

I walked out of her room and sobbed. Not because I will miss this. Because I will. But because I can’t remember how it felt to hold either of my boys (now 4.5 and almost 7) like that. I don’t know the last time I rocked either of them. I don’t know when it was that they were too big for me to hold like that. And I know that in the blink of an eye Bridget will be too big too.

I left my job as a lawyer to spend more time with my kids. I wanted to be the stay at home mom that I wasn’t when the boys were babies. I wanted to BE there for them. But I’m not there. I’m 1,000 miles away in some bullshit Instagram photo or FB article. I am distracted to say the least. And they deserve more. I’m not saying they need to be the center of my universe, but they need a present mother. And since I can’t uninvent the smart phone, I will start where I can. I will make a conscious decision to put my phone in the closet. I will get on the floor and draw with them. I will even get out the paint and the playdough and we will make a damn mess.

And I will foster relationships in person. I want more coffee dates with moms I don’t know well. I want to visit with my best friend and her family and make memories together. I want to talk on the phone and hear your voice rather than hide behind a text message. (Related, a friend texted me this week asking me to call her about some beauty products and my heart skipped a beat. We had never actually talked on the phone. How awkward would that be? Spoiler alert: we gabbed on and on as if we were teenage girls and it was oh so refreshing.)

I want more real, messy life. And as fucked up as it might seem given all this, I plan on documenting it as it unfolds on this blog. So let’s get wine. Let’s have coffee. Let’s have a video call at 10am to chat about life. Let’s get our kids together after school and sit outside watching them play. It’d be so much more soul-filling than simply liking each other’s posts from afar, don’t you think?